Helpless When She Smiles
by GraveDancer
Summary: A post Didn't We Almost Have it All fanfic. Completely totally 100 MerDer...although hell, it's going to be a roller coaster ride. Song fic...Helpless When You Smile by the Backstreet Boys...yes, their brand new song.
1. Chapter 1

"Want another one Doc?" Joe asked me.

I nodded my head as he poured me another glass of scotch, smiling at me sympathetically. Which was probably to be expected. A man sitting in a bar, wearing a rumpled tux, eyes rimmed red had a way of attracting sympathetic smiles. The smiles were better than people trying to get me to talk…Joe, Alex…even nurse Tyler. Apparently I looked like shit.

Not that I cared at this point.

I wasn't even sure what had brought me here. I couldn't go to the hospital, cutting when I felt like I did would be generally a bad idea. The trailer was in horrible shape, and tonight I wasn't in the mood to deal with the invading raccoons. Meredith's was…Meredith's wasn't an option anymore, which made me feel pretty damn homeless.

Joe's was the last place on the list.

_It's over. It's so over._

The words kept running through my head, like a damn broken record. I definitely wanted to turn it off, but the scotch wasn't helping with that. If anything it was making it louder. Maybe she hadn't been talking about us, maybe she had been just referring to the wedding and it had been nothing more than that. Because the wedding had definitely been over. There was a small iota of a possibility that the tears I had shed on the drive over here and the scotch I had consumed had been a waste.

Of course, she had looked at me.

And that was the damn problem. When she had reached the altar she had looked at me. It wasn't the happy, in love Meredith look. It was the tormented, dark and twisty look.

Then she had said that.

There was no way she had just been referring to the wedding. They were over. Meredith Grey and Derek Shepherd were over. Done. Finished. Finito. Kaput. Not curtain call. No nothing. Just over.

I didn't even know why.

"Another bachelor party?" a vaguely familiar voice came from somewhere beside me.

I turned to find the cute young thing from the night before looking at me. Actually looking at me probably wasn't the best description. She was undressing me with her eyes. Or eating me with her eyes. She was doing something with her eyes that went far beyond looking.

And reminded me of the way Meredith used to look at me.

"Nope," I sighed. "Tonight it was the wedding."

"And from the looks of it, it didn't turn out so well?" she laughed. It was a good laugh. Loud and confident. At one point, I would have probably thought it was a cute laugh. But nothing compared to Meredith's giggles.

"You could say that," I chuckled. "The groom left the bride at the altar. Or the bride left the groom. Hell, I don't know, someone left someone. Actually…everyone left someone."

"Are you okay?" she asked softly.

"No…no, I don't think I am," I shook my head, blinking my eyes quickly, because I wasn't about to cry at Joe's. Not where I knew everyone. And not in front of some cute young thing that was obviously interested.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked.

"No, not really," I said, looking at the glass in my hands. "Right now, I just want to drink."

"Drinking is good," the brunette nodded. "Drinking helps all sorts of problems."

"It does," I nodded as I gestured to Joe to come refill the glass. I ignored the warning look that he gave me. Joe didn't know. He had no idea that I was free to flirt with any girl I wanted.

"So apparently you come here often, two nights in a row now," she laughed.

"That's purely a fluke," I chuckled softly. "I actually haven't been coming here at all. But as I said, tonight I needed a drink."

"I guess I got lucky then," she smiled.

"I guess you did," I sighed, not feeling all that lucky myself. Being at Joe's without Meredith felt wrong. Being anywhere without Meredith felt wrong.

But that was over…that was so over.

"Could I be forward again, and offer to buy you a drink? Since you're not with your friends tonight…" she suggested, smiling. She smiled a lot.

Something about that smile…

It brought me back and I squeezed my eyes shut at the memory of my first time sitting in this bar. That night when the beautiful blonde had walked in, wearing the black dress and looking miserable. Everything had stopped for me that night, and I didn't want it to restart. For no reason at all I had approached her, I had gone after her. I had forgotten about everything, all the pain, the wife, everything and I had flirted. I had flirted terribly, but somehow it had worked. She had smiled at me and everything had been done.

And now she was gone. Now she had finished them.

Something about the young thing's smile brought me back to that.

I opened my eyes to see her examining me, concern etched on her face. She was here. The night was repeating itself…me, sitting in Joe's, miserable about my failed love life, nursing my pain with scotch, a beautiful girl smiling at me. It was like the night I had met Meredith all over again.

Except for this girl wasn't Meredith.

She could never be Meredith.

"No," I shook my head. "I think…I think I'm done."

The bell on the door tinkled and I turned quickly, watching the former interns walk in, Meredith walking behind them, grinning at something one of the others must have said. Her mouth looked happy, but her eyes, they were haunted by tears. Others probably wouldn't have even noticed, but when you look at someone as often as I looked at Mer, you started to learn these details. I saw things in Meredith others never would. She was mine.

And she wasn't happy. She wasn't happy at all.

Her eyes caught mine across the crowded room, and I had to blink quickly again to stop the instant tear flow as time stopped as we looked at each other. She looked beautiful tonight and completely broken. Her eyes filled with tears as they held mine and the small grin disappeared. She looked like me.

And then her eyes drifted to the girl beside me, who was now grasping my arm and saying something I had long since stopped listening to.

Meredith, my Meredith, turned away in disgust.

"….or we could head to your place. I have roommates so it's complicated, but your place is always an option," the girl said, her voice coming back into focus as the emptiness that was my life without Meredith surrounded me.

"No it's not," I shook my head.

"Oh…ummm….there's hotels. It seems a little tacky but we could rent a hotel room," she smiled, flirtatiously at me.

I felt something roll in my stomach. I couldn't flirt, I couldn't pretend to be gunning after another girl. I didn't want another girl. I wanted Meredith. She was my everything. Less than twelve hours ago, I told her she was the love of my life. And that wasn't going to change because some brunette in the bar reminded me of her. If I couldn't have her, I didn't want anyone else.

_It's over, it's so over._

"I can't," I shook my head. "I'm spoken for."

"Oh…" she frowned, releasing my arm. "You're…you are here alone again, and you look sad and alone. And there's no ring. …I just thought…"

"I'm alone," I nodded, sadly, willing myself not to glance in my beautiful blonde's direction. She didn't want me. "But that doesn't mean I'm not spoken for."

She opened her mouth to answer but I moved before she said a thing, placing some bills on the counter as I gestured to Joe that I was leaving. I was wasting my time here. I could go across the street and crash in an on call room, sleep it off till tomorrow. I didn't have to be here. I had no reason to be here. Coming to Joe's, trying to be a man that wasn't completely tangled up in love, was a waste of time.

I started to walk towards the door but paused as I felt eyes on me, and turned to see my Meredith, staring at me, her lip trembling ever so slightly as she gazed at me, tears and something else in her eyes.

I wanted to go to her. I wanted to go hug her and tell her that we'd be okay, that we would figure this out. Everything in my body ached for me to do that.

But I couldn't.

Because she didn't want me.

_She cuts me and the pain is all I want to feel._


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I am writing this fanfic to clean up a mess that Shonda made. If I owned Grey's Anatomy this mess would not exist to need cleaning up in the first place. Simple as that.**

**So since I didn't write an intro before I will now...this is obviously a post Season 3 fic, therefore I guess a season 4 fic. But unlike my never finished Season 3 fic, it only concentrates on Meredith and Derek...with obviously other characters working their way in. I really don't have the time to write this, but well the story got stuck in my head after the finale and didn't want to leave, so here we are. The entire thing will be from Derek's perspective as he's basically the centeral character in my mind...and god I love getting in his head. And pants. And bed. And anywhere else he'll let me in. **

**And yes, I know my other one isn't quite done yet...but I will finish it. I'm done writing it, the files are saved on my laptop which is in the shop. But it will be updated as soon as I get it back. And I have another story entirely to post. Lol.**

**Enjoy!**

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Work the next day and my head was pounding. Probably should have thought about that before drinking all the scotch at Joe's the night before. Except for at that point it wasn't really about thinking much, just needing. Last night I had needed a drink. Drinking last night had been basically as necessary as breathing. And despite the pounding headache, it was starting to feel like that again. But drinking on the job was generally bad, very bad. There was nothing good about drinking on the job.

And now I was rambling in my own pounding head. Great.

Somewhere along the way I had probably picked the habit up from Meredith.

Meredith.

Probably best not to be thinking about her. I'd see her today; that was bad enough. She'd look beautiful and perfect and everything I had ever dreamed of and every wanted. And then I would definitely need another drink, regardless of whether I was in the middle of an operation or not. Right now Meredith made me feel the need to drink.

Because she had dumped me.

Or she might have dumped me.

And today the interns weren't interns anymore, they were residents. And I decided to ignore the burst of pride I felt for Meredith, for making it this far. The sinking feeling in my stomach was stronger anyway. Because last time we had talked about it, she was definitely thinking of specializing in neurosurgery, which at the time had seemed like the most brilliant of ideas. Nothing could be better than constantly scrubbing in with the love of my life.

Nothing could be worse than scrubbing in with the love of my life who was now my ex girlfriend.

Maybe ex girlfriend.

I felt eyes on me and decided to ignore them. They weren't Meredith's eyes, I knew how it felt when she was looking at me, and this was not how it felt. At all. It was probably one of her friends, they had a habit of studying me, with disapproval in their eyes. Which was possibly one of the reasons I might have been dumped. But today I didn't need to think of that, and the pounding headache was disapproving enough, I didn't need an int…resident's glare added to that.

"You work here?" a familiar voice filled my ears, far too loud and maybe just a little panic tinged.

Vanilla. It reminded me of Addison which generally wasn't something that I wanted to remember. And the familiarity of the voice cause that sinking feeling in my stomach, the Meredith-caused one, to tighten into a leaden ball. I slowly looked up and wasn't actually surprised to see the girl from the bar standing in front of me. Wearing scrubs.

Apparently there were more similarities between last night and the night a year ago than I had been aware of.

Still, she'd never be Meredith.

"I work here," I nodded.

"You're Dr. Shepherd? Dr. Derek Shepherd?" she asked, more panic in her voice.

"That would be me," I nodded again.

"Oh…crap," she frowned. "I was…that's bad, isn't it? Last night in the bar, I was hitting on you. And I'm an intern…you're a major surgeon, you're my boss. This is not good."

"You're an intern?" I asked, trying hard to hold back the groan. Okay, apparently last night had been a complete copy of exactly a year ago. Well minus all the amazing sex on Meredith's couch.

God, what I wouldn't kill to have amazing sex on Meredith's couch.

With Meredith.

"I am," she nodded, looking rather proud of herself. "You're my boss and we nearly slept together. That's not good."

Slow, she was a little on the slow side. Or maybe just not observant. Or hopeful. Or something. Because at no point had we even come anywhere close to sleeping together. "It happens," I shrugged.

"It does?"

"Yeah," I nodded, slowly. "Who's your resident?"

"Bailey," she sighed. "Is it true they call her the Nazi?"  
"It's true," I nodded, glancing around for Bailey, making a mental note to make her swear not to put this one on my service anytime soon. The last thing I needed was to work with Meredith, the girl I wanted in my pants, and this one, the girl who wanted in my pants. "You'll survive. At least the interns last year did…kind of."

"Kind of?"

"It's a long story," I sighed. Too long, and probably would make a good movie, or television show. And not a story I was about to share. "You should probably go find Bailey. She doesn't like lateness."

"Oh, okay," she nodded, smiling widely at me, obviously having decided that it was okay to flirt with her boss again. "I'm Lexie Grey by the way."

Grey.

Last night a year ago I had flirted with a woman at Joe's bar the night before my first day at work, who happened to be an intern with the last name Grey.

Last night this year, I had flirted with a woman at Joe's bar, who happened to be an intern with the last name Grey.

Well, actually she had flirted with me more than I had flirted with her. And that definitely couldn't be said about Meredith. And the amazing sex on Meredith's couch was still missing, but that was mainly because I wasn't about to have sex with anyone that wasn't Meredith.

Lexie Grey.

I knew that name. Not just that last name, I knew the entire name. I knew the name Lexie Grey. She was…hell, she was Meredith's other sister. The one neither of us had ever met, but we had heard Thatcher talk about proudly. I vaguely remember Thatcher saying she was starting her internship this year, before Meredith and I had gone to hell. But she was here, in our hospital.

Wanting in my pants.

This was not good.

The urge to have that drink was growing stronger by the second. No wonder the smile made me think of Meredith, the way she talked made me think of Meredith. Everything. She was my Meredith's sister. And I had flirted with her. And Meredith had seen me flirting with her. Yes, Meredith had also seen me walking away, but still the fact remained, I had flirted with her. This was bad.

"Miranda!" I called, seeing her cross my path.

"Shepherd, do I look like I'm in the mood?" she groaned.

"I need to talk to you," I demanded, falling in step behind her.

"And I need you to go away," she snapped, before stopping to take a look in me. "Derek, you look like you just crawled out of the ditch."

"Well…yeah," I nodded. "But that's not what I want to talk to you about."

"Than what is it? Your intern is now a resident and no longer my intern, I don't want to hear about your love problems," she sighed. "Didn't want to then, don't want to now."

"She's not my intern anymore either," I murmured.

"What?"

"Nothing," I shook my head. "It's just…your new interns. I need to talk to you about your new interns."

"What about them?" she asked, sharply, before a look of realization crossed her face. "Oh, Grey. I have another one named Grey. No, you can't have her just because she has the same last name as your intern. Or not your intern, whatever she is."

"She's Meredith's sister," I sighed.

"Excuse me?"

"Lexie Grey…she's Meredith's sister. Well half sister," I frowned.

"Oh….does Meredith know?" she asked me.

"No, I don't think so. They've never met, and I don't think Lexie even knows who Meredith is," I shrugged. "But there's a small problem."

"What now, Shepherd?"

"Lexie…umm…I met her at Joe's the other night, and we flirted and now…" I sighed.

"One Grey wasn't enough for you?" she demanded.

"One Grey is more than enough for me," I nodded confidently. At least that I knew the answer to, not even Bailey could make me doubt that. "But Mer and I, right now I don't know if we're going to make it. Actually I don't even know if we're together or not. It was innocent, nothing happened but Lexie saw me here this morning, and I don't know how innocent it is on her end."

"Great," Bailey groaned. "Just what I needed…another intern spending her year moping about McDreamy."

"Could you just keep her off my service for a bit? Until Meredith and I have this thing worked out."

"Fine," she sighed.

"Really?" I hadn't expected a fine. I expected begging and pleading, probably some bribery. Anything but a simple fine.

"On one condition…" Condition, of course there was a condition. This was Bailey, she obviously had a condition. "You tell Grey."

"Meredith?"

"Yes, Meredith," Bailey nodded. "You're the boyfriend, or you were the boyfriend. You're the one that gets to tell her her half sister now works at this hospital and is apparently as stupid as she is to fall for the McDreamy bit."

"I can't tell her about that…" I groaned.

"Do you or do you not want the other Dr. Grey to have a chance to sink her claws into you?"

"Okay, Meredith, I can tell Meredith," I nodded. Not that I was one hundred percent sure Meredith was still talking to me at this point but I could at least try and tell her. Elevator. I could corner her on the elevator and tell her.

Actually…she might kill me on the elevator.

Maybe somewhere more public.

"Good," Bailey smiled. "And Derek?"

"Yes?"

"Don't hurt her again. And don't let her hurt you. You two claw at each other like clawed animals but if you ever slowed down to hear each other speak, you might actually figure things out," she advised.

"We don't fight…" I frowned.

"No you don't. You find other ways to claw. Stop it."

"Oh…." I sighed, watching Bailey walk away.

I didn't claw, not at Meredith, not at my Meredith. I had made some stupid decisions in the past when it came to her, but I didn't claw. I didn't try to hurt her, I didn't want to hurt her. I listened to her, I was there for her. I breathed for her half the time. I never clawed her.

And now I had to go find her.

And hope to god she didn't claw me. Literally.

_Now I'm bound by the life you left behind._

**So poor Derek isn't in good shape at all. And then he finds out the girl (notice that he considers Mer a woman, Lexie a girl) is an intern, and Meredith's sister. Bad day for Derek. And here's what I love about this update...in all of his pain and misery not once does he think about anyone but Meredith. He isn't contemplating sleeping with Lexie, he isn't even trying to get over Mer. It's just her. And he has this tiny bit of hope...because he really doesn't know if they're over or not. He's just...hurting. And now Lexie is there...and yes she freaked...but since it happens all the time (Derek was stupid for saying that, but Derek is usually stupid) she got over it...and is definitely not going to leave Derek alone, even if he tries his best to put distance between them. So yep, next update there will finally be some Mer/Der interaction...maybe some clawing. **

**And that will be up sometime tomorrow. Probably in the afternoonish. **

**Read. Love. Review.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: So I have developed a love of car racing because of Paddy…so if I owned the show I so would have been in Indianapolis this weekend with him instead of stuck at home watching it on tv.**

**So this was supposed to be updated earlier today…but I had a monster hang over, lol. But I'm better now and here's the update. It hurts…I'll warn you that now. It hurt to write and I'm sure it hurts like hell to read. So I'm sorry for that. But well it had to happen.**

**Enjoy!**

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I had to tell Meredith.

Which was probably good. I was her boyfriend, at least I might be her boyfriend. And someone had to tell her. It was probably best that it came from me. As I had been the one stupid enough to flirt with her sister in the bar. Not that flirting was bad, as I was single. Maybe. But still someone had to tell her and that someone should be me.

I think.

But none of that made the telling her bit any easier. She wasn't about to take this one well, and I wasn't exactly in the best position to comfort her right about now. Right now I had the feeling that if I tried to comfort her she would run. Or other things would happen, bad thing, and I happened to like having my balls attached to my body, thank you very much. And when she was being Meredith, my Meredith, she liked the balls attached too. Of course she might never want to see them again, but the fact remained at one point she had liked them. A lot…or at least her tongue had.

Stop.

Thinking about Meredith's tongue and my balls was a very bad idea. Because I had to tell her that her sister was an intern. And that her sister was the girl in the bar and apparently wanted in my pants. And we might not actually be a couple at this point. So thinking about her tongue on any part of my body, let alone my balls was a pointless form of torture.

Sweet sweet torture.

My favourite dirty blonde hair caught the corner of my eye as she stood outside the elevator bank, looking annoyed at the world and miserable. I wanted to make that better but it wasn't mine to fix. I had tried. I told her I was in, and god I was still pathetically in. But she was the one who had to take the next step.

Actually, literally, that was me taking the next step.

Next step to my doom.

I squeezed onto the elevator just as the doors closed, happy to find it empty of anyone else but Meredith. That happened a lot. I wasn't even sure how it happened. Okay, sometimes it happened on purpose, but still there was numerous times, like now, in which it just kind of happened.

Not that I was complaining.

I still fondly remembered the first time it happened. Which was something else I shouldn't be thinking about right now.

"Meredith…" I started, trailing off my sentence immediately, having no idea what to actually say to her. There wasn't anything about this in dating books. Not that I read dating books, but my sisters had. And there was nothing in them describing how to tell your maybe ex-girlfriend that her long lost sister had appeared and wanted in your pants.

"Der…" she murmured, not meeting my gaze, not even looking at me.

My hand instinctively reached out to her, to grab her close to me and hold her and try to make whatever pain she was feeling go away. But she flinched and my hand fell to the side. "I need to talk to you," I urged.

"No…I can't…not now, please not now," she shook her head quickly, looking at the floor. I didn't need to see her eyes to know she was crying.

"Mer…it's not about us," I sighed.

At that her head snapped up and her eyes caught mine. My heart clinched at the sight of the tears I knew were going to be there. Not my problem. She didn't want me to comfort her. I had tried. There wasn't anything I could do.

"What?" she whispered.

"That girl in the bar last night…" I began, immediately regretting my words as her eyes narrowed in my direction. Not that she wasn't adorable when mad. But this situation was a little too serious to appreciate it.

"I don't want to hear it, Derek," she shook her head. "If you want to pick up sluts in bars, that's none of my business."

"I don't want to pick up sluts in bars," I said quickly. "It's just….she's Lexie."

"Lexie?" she asked, her eyes growing wide.

I nodded solemnly, yet again fighting the urge to pull her into my arms. She didn't want my arms, she wouldn't find comfort in my arms. It was futile, but hell, I ached to hold her and take all the pain she was feeling away. I ached to be there for her.

If she wanted me there, I'd be there in a second.

"I'm sorry, Mer," I whispered.

"Lexie…as in my sister Lexie?" she asked. I nodded. "But…no. You tried to pick up Lexie at a bar?"

"I didn't try to pick her up," I protested quickly, grabbing Meredith's arm and forcing her to look at me. "She was pretty, I noticed. There was flirting. I didn't try to pick her up. I left alone, you know I did."

"She didn't want you…" Meredith whispered, her eyes glued to mine.

"Actually, the complete opposite is the problem," I scoffed.

"What?"

"She was the girl in the bar the night of the party too…I turned her down. She tried again last night, I still turned her down. This morning she saw me…and she kind of freaked but she still tried. She's not getting the hint that I'm not interested."

"You're not?" Meredith asked, in a shaky voice.

"There's only one Grey woman I have any interest in," I said, attempting a smile as I looked at her, her eyes filled with tears, her shoulders shaking slightly under the force of repressed sobs. I ached for her, in a completely non-sexual way that I didn't even think was possible, I ached for her.

"I…I…" she mumbled, tearing her eyes away from me again as she fingered the bottom of her scrub top. "Derek...you…and…I just…I…this is…I can't…."

"Just talk to me, Mer," I silently urged, tears coming to my own eyes. I didn't even try to hold them back. Standing in an elevator, watching her fall apart and have no idea who to turn to sucked any strength I might have to hold back tears right out of me.

"I…I can't…" she whispered as the elevator came to a stop. "I…this is…I have to go, Derek. I…first day resident and I have to go and do things, save lives and I have to go."

"Can I come over tonight so we can talk?" I asked, grasping for whatever she was willing to give, trying to hold onto something, anything.

"I don't…no, that would be…just don't Derek," she shook her head.

"Oh…umm….okay," I swallowed, my throat suddenly growing thick.

And then the doors closed and she was gone.

_It's over. It's so over._

Suddenly the words replayed in my head and a knot of dread twisted in my stomach. Or maybe it was just a knot of nausea.

My shoulders shook as I hit the emergency stop on the elevator and sunk to the floor. She was talking about us. If she hadn't been she would have been different, she wouldn't still be pulling away. That would have gone differently. She was talking about us. Sobs racked my body. This wasn't dignified. I was a grown man, sobbing on the elevator at work wasn't dignified and I'd give anything to make it all stop. But I couldn't. There was nothing I could do to ebb the tear flow, to still my shoulders or to make myself breathe again. Nothing.

Because the one thing that had ever mattered to me had just vanished.

And there wasn't a damn thing I could do about it.

Because I wasn't quite certain why it even happened.

_I'm gasping for the air to fill my lungs with everything I've lost._

**So that little tiny bit of hope that Derek was clinging to...gone. Because she's refusing to talk to him, she's refusing to even listen to him. So he's quite certain they are over. And yeah, it hurt like hell to write that. But still...he made it very clear that he doesn't want Lexie, he just wants her. He right out said that. And even with all his own pain...he just wants to hold her...he just doesn't think she wants that. So things will start to get better. Oh and I know that right now Derek seems to be getting off scotch free and it appears it's all Mer's fault...but that's not the case. This is Derek's perspective so we're only seeing what he's thinking is going on. He doesn't see his own fault in this...but he will. **

**And as I said...this will be updated tomorrow...maybe in the morning if I write fast enough, definitely in the evening. Oh and if its in the morning I might update twice, depending on my mood. **

**So Read. Love. Review.**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I have to go to work soonish...my day will be filled with steaming too many dresses, sewing on beads and dealing with annoying brides...if I owned Grey's Anatomy my job would be about a gabillion times cooler.**

**Sorry this didn't get posted yesterday...I did write it but by the time I got done I was too tired to actually come here and make the effort. But it is here now. So yay for that! I don't have much to say in introduction, just that someone is helping Derek out, cause god knows right now the man needs a friend. And who better to be a friend than McSteamy!**

**Enjoy!**

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"You look like shit," Mark announced to me as he walked uninvited into my office, a habit he had picked back up a few weeks ago. And right now I really didn't mind. Mark was probably better than no one.

"So do you," I pointed out, sizing up my former best friend. He looked like he needed a shave. And about 24 hours straight of sleep.

"Yeah, well…Addison's gone," he sighed, slipping into the chair in front of my desk.

"Gone?" I asked. Somewhere in the back of my consciousness I knew I should probably care a little more about the fact my ex-wife was apparently gone. That was definitely something I should have some sort of reaction to. However, that part of me had been pretty much smushed when Meredith got off the elevator.

"Gone," Mark nodded. "She didn't even say goodbye, she just left. Webber said she went to LA."

"Wow…" I breathed.

:Yeah," Mark frowned. "I came here for her and now…now I'm stuck with you."

I laughed harshly as my eyes glanced at the framed picture I had been trying desperately not to look at since I had come to my office to be alone. Taking it down probably would have been a better idea, but I couldn't bring myself to do that either. "If it's any consolation, Meredith dumped me."

"What?" Mark demanded loudly. "I could have just sworn you said Meredith dumped you."

"She did," I nodded sadly. "At least I think she did."

"There is no way that girl dumped you," Mark shook his head.

"I wish there wasn't but she did," I said sadly, surprised to feel more tears come to my eyes. After spending half an hour on an elevator crying I really had thought that I didn't have any tears left. Apparently I was wrong.

"What? Why?" Mark asked his voice gentler than usual.

And in that moment, I knew I had missed him. Because somehow when my life was going to crap my jerk of a best friend managed to be a human and be there for me. Never fail. Sometimes it was unwanted, sometimes it was annoying, but it always was what it was. And somewhere in the past year I had started missing that.

"She doesn't want me," I sighed.

"Sexually?"

"No, not sexually," I groaned. "She still wants me sexually, actually that's the only was she wants me. She doesn't want me in her life."

"That's bullshit," Mark said, quickly shaking his head.

"Excuse me?"

"Meredith not wanting you in her life, it's bullshit," he shook his head again. "I see the way she looks at you. A man could only be so lucky to have a woman, especially that woman, look at him like that."

"Like what?" I asked, hating the feeling of being clueless about my own life. Mark wasn't even part of my life. He wasn't supposed to know things I did, notice things about Meredith that I didn't. Even if it was just the way she looked at me. I should notice those things.

"Like you're the only man in the world. Like the world stops when she looks at you. Have you not noticed those looks?"

"No," I sighed, frowning to myself. She was my Meredith, and she used to look at me like that, she used to have this look that made my heart stop dead in my chest. But recently, I definitely hadn't noticed any of those look recently. Things had changed.

"That's sad, even for you," Mark sighed. "So what are you going to do?"

"What can I do?" I shrugged. "Meredith dumped me. End of story."

At this point, the kind of sensitive manwhore that I was considering re-allowing to be my best friend burst into laughter.

"Out of my office," I snapped.

"Sorry, Shep," Mark gasped for air. "It's just…the idea of yours and Grey's story ever ending is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard."

"Doesn't feel that way right now," I sighed, wishing I could laugh at the absurdity of this. Because Mark was right, mine and Meredith's story wasn't supposed to have an ending. We were us…and that was supposed to be enough and it wasn't supposed to end badly. It wasn't supposed to end at all. The fairy tale with the ending had been Addison, this wasn't that. It wasn't supposed to be like that at all.

But somehow it was.

"Than do something about it," Mark shrugged.

"What?"

"I don't know…what exactly is the problem?" Mark asked. "I mean besides the fact you and Grey don't seem to have your heads screwed on straight."

Mark wanted to talk. Mark, the man who slept with my best friend wanted to give me relationship advice. Something seemed off about this picture. Of course I didn't really have many other options, as Burke was MIA and Addison had fled the city. "Honestly, I don't know," I shrugged. "We were happy, at least I thought we were. And then one day…before the accident, I lost her. And I haven't really had her back since."

"Fight for her," he shrugged.

And this is the kind of advice you get when your former best friend is Mark Sloan.

"Thanks for coming out Mark," I groaned. "I tried that. I told her she was the love of my life, that I was in."

"That's not enough," Mark shook his head.

"What do you mean it's not enough? What else was I supposed to do?"

"I don't know," Mark shrugged. "Push your way in, hold on like hell and don't let her disappear. Whatever it takes. This is your problem, Shep."

"My problem is wearing indigo scrubs and sitting in the extra chair in my office," I groaned, knowing what exactly was going to happen next. Mark was going to psycho babble me, a habit I would love to claim he picked up from Kathleen but he had been doing it as long as I had known him. It had been annoying that long as well.

"I'm the least of your problems, McDreamy," Mark sighed. "Your problem is you don't know how to fight to hold on to a woman. You get caught up in your own head and forget to hold on to what it was you wanted in the first place. That, Derek Shepherd, is your character flaw."

"It is?" I asked.

"Yep," Mark nodded. "Not everyone has them but you do. I don't."

"Your character flaw is that you slept with my wife."

"True," Mark sighed. "And what I did to you was crap, I know that. But if you had fought for Addie, if you hadn't let her slip away, I wouldn't have been able to."

I opened my mouth to reply but somehow Mark might be making a little bit of sense. Which was amazing in itself, but still, something about it rang true. I hadn't fought to keep Addie, I had been absent, I had all but pushed her away. The idiot had a point.

"Would you sleep with Mer if…" I trailed off, feeling disgusted just thinking of Mark, of anyone with their hands on her.

"Never," he shook his head. "Meredith is yours, entirely yours in a way Addison never was."

"She was mine," I sighed.

"She still is," Mark insisted. "Talk to her, Derek. After everything you two have been through you at least deserve an explanation."

"I do," I nodded.

Suddenly Mark's pager went off. "Crap, gotta go. Think about what I said."

"I will," I nodded. "And Mark…want to go fishing or something the next day we both have off?"  
"That would be good," he smiled before heading out the door.

I sighed and leaned back in my chair, staring at the picture of Meredith and I from weeks before, right before her mother had shown up, right when everything still felt pretty damn close to perfect. I missed that. That was me, in those moments I had been completely myself, with Meredith I could just be. And she had been happy, they had been happy. I missed that girl, I missed that guy, I missed that life in general.

And Mark was right.

I couldn't lose it. I couldn't just let her slip away and push me out. She was my everything. She was the love of my life. I couldn't let this one pass me by.

Not without a fight at least.

_Said that I'd fight for the one that I found _

_I'm gonna stay here while I wait for you to come around _

_I'll fight, you're a part of me now _

_And I will never give up, no I'll never give up_

**So the main reason I brought Mark in now was because Derek's head is in all kinds of wierd places and someone needed to help sort it out...and convince him that he at least needed to really make Mer talk before she just left. Because Meredith is in the wrong for pushing Derek away...but Derek is just as much in the wrong for pushing Meredith away. And this is a strange fic for me as I feel like these aren't even issues they should have...but yes, I continue to clean up the mess at the end of season three. So tomorrow...Derek starts to fight for her...or at least demands an explanation. **

**And yes, it will be update today, sometime after 6. **

**Read. Love. Review.**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: If I owned Grey's Anatomy I would have a closet full of Jimmy Choo's. Instead my shoe claim to fame is a pair of Steve Madden's.**

**So this update…it's another kind of sort of painful one. But really, in the cleaning up the mess process, Derek has to figure out he's not the perfect guy he thinks he is, or at least wants to be. He messed up to. And I don't know what's wrong with Shonda…but last time I checked….Derek says Meredith's name and she yells…remember?**

**Enjoy!**

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I hated doors.

Which might sound randomly stupid, but the fact remained that in this moment, I hated doors. Or more accurately, I hated the wood and glass door that I was currently staring at. Usually I loved it but nope, right now I hated it. I hated the way it was making my stomach feel and my heart pound in my chest. The last time the door had made me feel this way was after the bomb went off. That wasn't a good sign, not at all a good sign.

I really really hated this door.

Earlier, talking to Mark this had seemed like a completely good idea. Possibly the best idea Mark had ever had which wasn't actually saying all that much, but still generally not a bad idea. But now standing in front of the door, it didn't seem like the smartest thing to do.

But I knocked anyway.

Which reminded me of another reason I hated this door. Because suddenly Meredith was in view, her arms tightly wrapped around herself, a frown on her face. A frown that deepened when she saw me standing there.

For a second I was terrified she wasn't going to let me in.

But she opened the door.

"Derek?" she asked, confusion and panic in her eyes and voice. She was my Meredith and I was Derek, there wasn't supposed to be confusion and panic in her eyes. Through all the crap we had been through it had never been there before, and I didn't want to see it there now.

"We need to talk," I breathed.

"But I said…and you….we…no talking," she shook her head.

"No Meredith," I shook my head, placing my hand on the door. I needed to make it impossible for her to shut it in my face. "You're not doing that again. I am here and we're talking."

"But…no, I no…." she whispered, her eyes widening as I stepped into her house uninvited.

"Are you breaking up with me?" I asked. It wasn't exactly how I had planned to start this conversation but the minutes the word were out of my mouth I new it was the right thing to say.

Her face blanched and I fought the urge to pull her into my arms. "Oh ummm…Derek it's…."

"Why?" I asked, hating my own voice. I sounded like I was begging. I sounded like I was falling apart. I sounded desperate.

Of course I was begging, I was falling apart, I was desperate.

But I didn't want to sound like I was.

"Derek…" she groaned.

But apparently I was on a roll and didn't want to give her a chance to talk. Or more accurately I was too damn scared to give her a chance to talk, because the feeling in the pit of the stomach told me that if I gave her a chance to talk she'd leave me, and I couldn't stomach her actually saying the words. "Because I'm trying everything here, Mer. I told you you were the love of my life, I told you that I'm in. I'm trying, Mer."

"You begged me to end it," she whispered quietly. At least that's what I think she said, it was a little mumbled.

"I what?" I asked.

"You begged me to end it," she said, her voice a little louder now. "That day…before the wedding, in the locker room. You don't want in."

"What are you talking about?"

"You asked me to put you out of your misery," she shrugged, her eyes filling with tears.

I remembered saying the words and they had been honest. I was miserable with her sometimes, I hated the way she came and went, I hated the way she never let me in. But that didn't mean I wanted out. "Meredith, I didn't mean…I said I was in."

"You're in but you don't want…." she sighed, her voice slightly shaky.

"What don't I want?" I demanded to know.

"You don't want to be in," she whispered, a tear spilling down her cheek.

"Is that…that's what you think?" I asked, reaching my hand out to wipe the tear away, cringing as she pulled away from me. This wasn't my Meredith.

"It's…." she whispered. "You said…"

"Meredith, I don't want out. But you keep pulling away," I sighed. "That's not the girl I fell in love with. Why…why aren't you letting me in?"

"I'm breathing by myself."

"What?"

"You told me you couldn't breathe for me," she said, sounding a lot more like Meredith, her voice loud and strong. "Actually you said you didn't want to breathe for me. My life has been crap, my life has been hell. And you didn't want to breathe for me when I needed you."

"Mer…." I began. She was making something into my words that I hadn't meant, she was changing what I said. I needed to correct her.

"No," she shook her head. "See this? This is why I didn't want to talk because I have things to say and you're standing there acting like you're innocent and the perfect boyfriend. You're not Derek."

"I know…" I sighed.

"No, no you don't," she shook her head. "You said you couldn't breathe for me, so this it's me breathing on my own. This is me not needing you to show up. I'm okay without you."

"Meredith…." I tried to cut in.

"No, you say my name and I yell, remember?" she asked. "Derek, I don't know how the hell a relationship is supposed to work, but you promised you'd always show up and you didn't. I don't know what happened but all of a sudden you weren't there. You slept at the trailer, you didn't answer your cell. You disappeared on me, and then you accuse me of pulling away."

"But you said…"

"Derek, you weren't there. You chose your wife over me. You walked away from me. You have played with my head since day one, you can't…you just can't do this," she shook her head.

"Mer…."

"You want me to say I love you?" she whispered, tears streaming down her face. "Last time I said it, you walked away."

And then she spun around and ran up the stairs leaving me standing in her foyer, gasping for air with the sinking realization that maybe she was right.

_Cause part of me is dead and in the ground_

_This love is killing me._

**So Meredith...well, actually, nothing to say about her, she's the Meredith we all know and love in this update, lol. Because as many have said...Meredith isn't all too blame for the mess, Derek played his part. And the interesting thing about this fic is we only see what Derek is thinking, so we know he had no idea that any of this was because of things he had done. So he goes over, fully planning on confronting her and calling her on stuff and getting something out of her...and she knocks him on his butt. And now he knows. **

**Tomorrow I have NOTHING going on and hope to update at least twice...maybe 3 times if I get pretty reviews. Hehehe. **

**Read. Love. Review.**


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I wrote this update before I wrote this disclaimer…and quite frankly it was quite emotionally draining…so yeah, no funny things to say. I don't own the show…but you know that.**

**Okay, as I said, very emotionally draining to write. Because this time it was Derek's turn to say things, and maybe not everything but things all the same. Important things that change things. Just well…you'll see.**

**Enjoy!**

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She was right.

I hated being wrong, I despised being wrong. Part of being a cocky arrogant neurosurgeon meant I hated to be wrong. But in this case, I definitely was. So painfully wrong. And part of me knew I wasn't completely wrong, because Meredith had pulled away, Meredith hadn't let me in. But still wrong. And the fact I was sitting on Meredith's porch alone made me feel even more wrong.

Meredith hadn't been the only one that kept walking away.

I hadn't told her about my wife, and then I had chosen my wife over her. She had told me she loves me, and I had actually chosen to be with someone else. I had called her a whore, and then I had walked away again. After the adulterous sex, I had taken the choice away from her and walked away again. Looking back at the past year it had been a constant pattern of me walking away from her. Even now, I had walked away, I hadn't talked to her, I had just walked away.

And I had the balls to beg her not to do the same.

I had no right to expect that, to even ask for that, not after everything I had put her through. Yet here I was, still sitting on her porch, waiting for something to happen.

Because I had never meant for it to get this bad. I never meant to hurt her this much.

Because I wasn't sure I could get to tomorrow without her.

"Izzie said your car was still here," her voice cut into my thoughts.

I looked up, surprised to see her standing in the door that I hadn't even heard open. My heart clenched as I took in the redness of her eyes, her disheveled hair. She had obviously been cry. She looked fragile, vulnerable, beautiful. I was even more surprised to see two cups of coffee in her hands, one obviously for me. Of course that was my Meredith…she screamed and yelled and hit…and then always came back to me.

Hell, I love her.

"Yeah," I finally nodded.

"Why are you still here? You could have…" she sighed, walking over and sliding onto the porch swing beside me, handing me one of the steaming mugs.

"The raccoons have decided they like my trailer more than they like the woods," I frowned.

"So you don't have a home?" she asked, and despite everything I could hear the concern in her voice.

"This is the only other home I know," I shrugged, turning to look at her, hating the tears that I saw in her eyes. I had done this. Not her mom, not her dad, not any of her friends. These teas were entirely my fault.

I was an ass.

"I'm sorry I yelled," she whispered. "I shouldn't have."

"I'm glad you did," I nodded. "I needed to hear that."

Silence fell between us as we rocked back and forth gently on the swing, slowly sipping at our coffees. I smiled finding mine had been made exactly how I liked it. Our arms touched slightly and something felt different. Not better exactly, but different. Some of the tension Meredith had been holding, whatever had been holding her back from me, keeping her from being my Meredith, it was still there, but it was lessened. Or something.

"Webber told me that he wasn't recommending me for chief because of you," I suddenly heard myself say.

"What?"

"That day I went to see him, to ask him about the job. Apparently he promised your mom he'd watch out for you. And he knew that me getting the job would take me away from you, that it could hurt us. So he wasn't recommending me," I shrugged. "I had to chose between you and the job."

"Oh," she frowned. "Derek…why…what does this have to do with anything?"

"That's where I went, when I pulled away after the accident, that's where I went," I sighed. "And I'm sorry. But I needed to think. Not because I was thinking of which one was more important, I knew what I wanted. But you had given up, you had stopped breathing. And I…I was about to pass up my dream job for you. I needed to think."

"Derek…." she whispered and I felt her arm next to mine move, her fingers wrapped around mine as she squeezed my hand.

"I wanted to be with you. And you…you didn't even want to fight to keep your head above the water. I didn't know what to do," I gasped, ignoring the tears that I felt streaming down my face.

"Der…" she whispered again, her voice more forceful now.

But I couldn't stop, I needed to get everything out. I needed to talk to her and fix this, or try to fix this. Because we couldn't go on like this, we couldn't fall apart and pretend we could survive without each other. This needed to be fixed. And I needed to talk.

"And Mer…I can't breathe for you, I don't want to breathe for you," I whispered shaking my head. "I'm your boyfriend, or I was your boyfriend. And I'm not supposed to breathe for you. I'm supposed to breathe with you. I'm supposed to hold you and love you and breathe with you. You need to breathe on your own, so I can breathe with you. That's all I want."

"Derek…." her voice was wobbly now.

"Meredith, I'm an ass. I'm not the good guy I want to be, and I might even be the world's shittiest boyfriend. And you deserve a lot better than I can give you. But I love you. And I'm not walking away again. I'm done walking away."

"You are?" she asked, and even though I wasn't looking at her, I knew she was looking up at me.

"I am," I nodded. "Mer, I don't want to end this. I don't want you to end this. But it's not supposed to hurt this much, it's not supposed to be this hard. I'm sorry if I made it sound different, I just…I want to be happy. With you, I want to be happy with you."

"Oh," she sighed.

I couldn't take this anymore. Her shoulders were shaking beside me, she was starting to gasp for breath. My Meredith was falling apart, and I couldn't just sit beside her and let that happen. I grabbed the now empty mug from her hands and placed it on the ground, along with mine before pulling her into my arms. She sobbed into my shirt, her shoulders shaking hard against me, her fists grasping at my shirt as her tears wet my shirt. I didn't quite know where it was coming from, if it was for everything she had been through, if it was for us, maybe event the end of us. But I didn't care, she was sobbing and all that mattered was she was in my arms.

"Derek," she gasped, pressing her face further into my chest.

"It's okay…I'm here…." I whispered, rubbing her back with my hand, trying to calm her down. "I'm right here."

Eventually the tears subsided but she still clung to me, not moving from her spot as she hiccupped softly.

"Where do we go from here, Mer?" I asked quietly, running my fingers through her hair.

"I don't know," she sighed.

"I don't either…I just want….I want to be with you."

"I want that too, I do," she nodded. "I just….I don't know."  
"It's okay," I whispered, even though I wasn't sure what she didn't know, but whatever it was, it was okay. Because she was in my arms.

"I…god, I'm tired, Derek," she whispered, shaking her head.

"Go to bed, Mer. We'll…take some time, think about things and talk later. In a couple of days maybe," I suggested.

"Really?" she asked, pulling away from me and looking at me carefully. "We don't have to finish this tonight?"

"No, no we don't," I shook my head. "Get some sleep."

"Okay," she nodded. And then she leaned forward and kissed me gently, quickly, her lips barely brushed against mine, but she did kiss me. It was something. Something good and the first thing I had had to hold onto in weeks. It was something. "You can…couch, if you want."

"That would be good," I nodded, getting up to follow her inside.

She was giving me the couch. She wasn't inviting me to her bed but he was giving me the couch, and that was something too.

_But you're the only one._

_It's not over._

**Okay...now I can ramble. So yeah, Meredith isn't to blame. Derek isn't to blame. But a lot of what Meredith is thinking, it's how she's taking the things he said. Because Derek is a man, and men suck with words and he said things, not setting out to hurt her, but he did anyway. And now, now he's faced with the fact he kind of sucks sometimes. So he apologizes and admits he doesn't deserve her...but doesn't want to walk away. Because the walking away thing is what got them in this mess in the first place. So he's being honest about things, and she's listening. And then she breaks down...and honestly, I'm not sure why, it just felt right...because all of a sudden Derek was there and saying what she needed to hear, he talked to her. So she cried. And then she let him have her couch, even though they left everything up in the air. Because right now, at the end of all this, they're too emotionally all over the place to actually come to a good place. So they'll talk later and right now, he has her couch. **

**And I will definitely be updating later tonight. Hopefully twice. **

**Read. Love. Review.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: I really wished I owned Grey's Anatomy. If I did I would probably walk around all the time wearing a shirt that said "I own Grey's Anatomy" because that would be soooo cool.**

**Okay…this is filler….filler setting up something big and fic changing. But it's filler. So as fun filler, I thought we'd get into Derek's head. I know we'd rather in his pants…but head works better for a fic.**

**Hehehe, that sounded dirty.**

**Enjoy!**

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I think she might be avoiding me.

Or maybe not.

But somehow a couple of days to think had turned into a week. She wasn't answering my calls, she had been working with other neurosurgeons (which probably hurt a little more than one would assume), she disappeared anytime I entered a room even though I was living on her couch.

She was definitely avoiding me.

But that was good. Or it wasn't bad. It was something in between good and bad. Because I'm pretty sure we were still a couple, we hadn't broken up. She wanted this. And she let me have her couch. We just weren't talking right now. She needed some time to think. Thinking was good. At least it was better than not thinking and just ending things. It was definitely better than that alternative.

I had tried the thinking thing. But thinking of Meredith led to missing being with Meredith. So thinking wasn't working out to well for me.

And how that had led me back to my trailer to kick the raccoons out and retake my space, I wasn't quite sure. But it had. Maybe Meredith needed more space to think and not me sleeping on her couch. Maybe if I took more space I could think without missing her. I wasn't even sure if any of that made sense.

But still, time to think after the confrontation last week was probably a good idea.

Time to think after the year we had had was probably a brilliant idea.

I have a pretty good memory but usually pictures become a little fuzzy after a year. But still, even now, I could remember the exact way she had looked the night I had met her. She had looked amazing, she had looked wonderful. She had looked like the perfect distraction from the mess my life had become. And more than anything I wanted a distraction, because back then everything still hurt. Addison and Mark had killed me and Meredith had looked like a beautiful blonde in a sexy black dress that maybe could save me, just for the night.

Looking back at it now, I had fallen in love with her before I had even sat down.

Those two months had been bliss, complete and total bliss. I had lived a lot, I had been with a lot of different woman, but never had I been that happy. Thinking of those two months made me think of an old cheesy country song my mom listened to, about a girl being where the story of his life began. Those two months had been my beginning.

And then I chose Addison.

Because apparently, Bailey was right, I was mentally challenged.

Ever since then, I had been fucking it up with Meredith. My beautiful, wonderful, perfect Meredith.

Those months with Addison had killed me. I was quite certain something inside me had died during those months. Because I knew, I knew by that point I was achingly in love with Meredith, and yet I was trying so hard with someone else. Most of those months were a blur, I didn't try to see them clearly, it hurt too much. Except the stolen moments with her. Holding her when she cried about her mom, spending Thanksgiving trying to save someone together, walking Doc, talks on the bridge, talks everywhere. They were all clear memories. Moments in time that were perfect, thrown between the hell I was living. And something about those moment, something about only having moments with her had killed something inside of me.

And I still wasn't quite sure what.

_You don't get to call me a whore._

That moment stood out. That moment was the stupidest moment of my life. I had hurt her more in that moment than I had ever intended. But god, Finn's hand, George's hands, and everyone else, touching what was mine. Even if I belonged to someone else, Meredith was mine. No one else had the right to her, no one else could touch her like that.

Hell, I had been an ass.

The rest, the rest was the stuff I couldn't think about. Because thinking about it made my insides feel like a pile of crap, and I shook and it was bad. I couldn't think about everything that had happened after that because a lot of it was what had led to me sitting here, trying not to think of it.

But I was quite certain this wasn't how it was supposed to be. We were supposed to be happy, deliriously happy. This was our happily ever after. Which, even my hopelessly romantic heart knew didn't exist, but the fact remained, we were together and we were supposed to be happy now. It wasn't supposed to be this hard.

Lexie briefly drifted into my mind. It would be easier with her. The first night I had met her all I could think about was how she looked at me the way Meredith used to, and how much easier it could be with her. Because loving someone wasn't supposed to be hard, it wasn't supposed to slowly kill you and leave you shaking and alone. Loving Meredith did. And Lexie, she seemed bright and shiny, loving her would be easy.

Sadly, I think I'm done with easy.

And Meredith, I think she deserves better than me. She has had a crap life and she deserves easy too. She deserves her happily ever after, or at least some form of happiness. In the last year I had done nothing to give it to her. She deserved better than me. And if I was the good guy I wanted to be, I'd walk away.

Except I had tried that before.

And it failed miserably.

I couldn't walk away. Walking away wouldn't make me happier, it wouldn't make her happier. We'd just be miserable alone, until we had more amazing sex somewhere in the hospital and ended up back together. Which might make for a television show for good ratings in some cases, but not Meredith and I. Our love was different, our love was all consuming and perfect and amazing. Our love couldn't be the usual on and off dramatic thing that made for heartbreaking television drama. We were better than that. We were different.

She deserved better than me, but hell, apparently she wanted me. So she was stuck. I was stuck.

Being stuck was good.

I couldn't walk away.

So I had to make this work. Somehow I had to make this work. No matter what it took. I had made this mess. She had made this mess. But we had to make this work.

Suddenly there was a knock at my door.

_If I ever write the story of my life_

_Don't be surprise if you're where it begins_

**So this is one of those updates there isn't too much to actually talk about. It was filler as I said, just setting things up so I figured we'd delve into Derek's psyche a bit. Because he wants Meredith to be happy, and right now he's thinking he can't be that guy, not after their year. But at the same time...he knows that for both of them, not being that guy isn't an option. Because it's them. And that's all there is to say. **

**I'm going to update lots and lots tomorrow. **

**Read. Love. Review.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: I don't own Grey's Anatomy. But umm…after this update you might think I do. Not that I'm as evil as Shonda…I swear you guys can trust me on this.**

**So this would be the fic changing update. And it should have been up sooner but I had writer's block so it took a bit of time but it's here now. And I don't think it's what you expected to happen in this fic…but please don't throw things at me. This will be fixed.**

**Enjoy!**

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"You weren't at home," the person on the other side of the door said the second I opened it. "I got home and you weren't there."

Meredith. I hadn't expected her. I had been expecting her all week, every time my phone rang, every time someone knocked on my office door, I had expected it to be her. It never was. So I had given up on expecting her. Of course leave it to my Meredith to show up just when I didn't expect her.

"Oh I…" I stammered.

"Raccoons, you said there were raccoons. Why are you here if there are raccoons?" she asked. "Because generally speaking people try to avoid raccoons. At least you were trying to avoid them. But now you're here."

"I thought you could use some room to think," I shrugged, stepping aside to let her into my trailer.

"I'm done thinking," she mumbled, at least that's what it sounded like.

"What?"  
"I'm done, I'm done thinking," she shrugged, getting a beer out of my fridge. "Actually no I'm not. But you weren't there and I kind of freaked out because you weren't. And I thought things, and I'm not done thinking. But I'm done avoiding. We need to talk."

"We do," I nodded.

"And can we do this outside? It kind of smells like a raccoon in here, Derek," she giggled nervously.

"Yeah, let's go outside," I nodded, ignoring the ball of fear in my stomach as I grabbed a beer. This was it. And I had no idea what to say, I had no idea what she was thinking and where this was going to go. But I couldn't help but think that maybe everything would end for me tonight.

"I want this," she said the second we were out on the porch.

And although her voice was completely totally clear, I was pretty certain I must have heard wrong. Because she was supposed to be ending this. It had taken a week for her to think things over because she wanted to end this, not because she wanted this. It was too hard. I was an ass. She couldn't possibly want this. I wanted it, but it didn't mean she should. I must have heard wrong.

"You want what?"

"I want this," she nodded. "Us. I want us. I'm in. And I can't walk away and you're…I'm in. All of that stuff you said, yeah, me too. I want this."

I could feel tears prick my eyes and tried to quickly blink them away. So the love of my life had just said that she wanted everything I did, she wanted me. This was not the time to cry. It wasn't manly to cry. "You want this?"

"I do," she nodded, looking up at me with tears in her eyes.

"Good…that's, that's really good," I smiled, slowly sitting down on one of the chair. Casual, I had to look casual. She didn't need to know that I had to sit down so I wouldn't fall down.

"It's just…I don't know how," she shrugged. "I…this year has been hell. The world just keeps knocking me down and I don't know how to do this. I want to be happy. I really want to be happy. And with you. But this year has been hell and I don't know if I know how to do this."

"You haven't done this before," I nodded, smiling slightly at the reminder of the conversation we had had before everything had fallen apart for us.

"I haven't done this before," she agreed. "I want to do it now, I just…I don't know how. And right now, right now it just feels like it's too much."

I nodded as she slipped into the chair beside me, and I felt a small smile spread across my mouth, maybe the first true one in quite some time. She wasn't ending this. She didn't want out, she didn't want to be miserable. I reached for her hand and squeezed it quickly, slightly surprised when she didn't pull away. We were going to be okay. She might not know how to make this work, and I wasn't sure if I did, but that was okay. Because we both wanted it. That was good. We were going to be good.

Eventually.

"So where do we go from here?" she asked, echoing the question from the week before.

"I don't know," I sighed. "This is…it's a mess."

"It shouldn't be a mess," she frowned. "We should be happy, we deserve to be happy and I hate that we're not. You're…you're supposed to be my knight in shining whatever and this is supposed to be the happily ever after part."

"I know," I nodded. "We're going to have to work on this."

"Work? But…how?"

"I don't know," I shrugged. "I just know…that suddenly I'm figuring out why people say easy things aren't worth it. Because this is going to be damn hard…"

"And completely worth it," Meredith smiled. "Eventually."

"I think we should take a break," I heard come out of my mouth.

I had no idea where that had come from, I hadn't even been thinking it but the words just tumbled out. My dad used to say that my brain thought too fast for my mouth and apparently this was one of those times.

"A…break? But you… you said no walking away. You said you were done walking away. And love of your life and being in and you, Derek…I…you said…" she rambled in a tiny voice.

"No, no, no," I shook my head quickly, jumping out of my chair and kneeling in front of her. Because the words had come out of no where, but suddenly they were starting to feel like maybe it might be a good idea. It might be the only way to fix this. "I am not walking away. I am in this."

"But…break?" she asked, not looking at me, looking away from me, obviously hoping to hide the tears in her eyes.

"Yes, a break," I nodded. "Mer, I love you. I want to be with you. But this year has been hell on both of us. We've both been damaged by each other, and from other people. It's hurt us, it's hurt everything between us. Meredith, we're in a bad place."

"I know," she nodded. "But a break…you want to break up."

"No," I shook my head. "I think we need to take a break, not break up. I think we need to take a couple of weeks apart, maybe a month, nothing more. And then…we can really start over."

"Start over?" she asked, finally turning to look at me again.

"Start over," I nodded, reaching over to brush some tears off her cheek. "We take some time, breathe a bit and get our heads back on straight. Not get better, because we need each other for that, but just take a step back. Sometimes you need to take a step back to realize you've already taken one hundred steps."

"Seriously?" she giggled softly.

"Seriously," I smiled. "And eventually, in a couple of weeks, I'll ask you out on a date, a real date. Which will lead to another date and another. And we figure out how to make this work together. Step by step."

"And we'll go slow?" she asked.

"We'll go slow. Really slow this time. No sex, no baths together, no on call room meetings, none of that. You're going to get romance this time, Meredith Grey," I laughed, loving this idea. This would work, we'd get a do over, a chance to really be us. And this time I wasn't going to fuck it up.

"And no secret wives this time?"

"No secrets at all," I shook my head. "This time we talk. We'll talk about everything, we'll work through the past stuff and we'll talk. No secret wives, no walking away, none of that this time."

"How long of break?" she asked.

"Two weeks, no more than a month. Just long enough to realize what all of the problems are."

"Okay," she nodded, reaching over and running her fingers through his curls. "We're taking a break."

"A break with rules," I clarified.

"Rules?"

"No one else. We're stepping back to work on ourselves, not be with other people. We're still together, we're still us," I smiled.

"Derek…" she giggled.

"Yes?"

"There is no one else," she smiled.

"There's no one else for me either," I sighed, pulling her into my arms. She felt good up against me and it had been too long since I really held her. Recently it had been just in sleep, and most recently in comfort. But this, this was holding her and it had been too long. The smell of lavender wrapped around me and she relaxed in my arms. God, this felt good. "I love you."

"I…I can't, Derek. I'm not ready to say that," she shook her head, squeezing me tighter. "Last time…and I can't."

"That's okay," I nodded. "I can wait. And when you're ready to say it again, I'm not going anywhere."

"Good…good…" she said as she pulled back. "Let's go home."

"Mer…break, I can't," I shook my head.

"I know," she sighed. "But your trailer stinks. Which is sad because I love the trailer but I can't let you sleep in a stinky trailer. I'm not the girl that's going to let her non-boyfriend sleep in that. You can have the couch."

"Meredith, I can't stay on the couch," I frowned. "This break isn't going to work if I'm sleeping on your couch."

"I know," she nodded. "Tomorrow you can gather your stuff and move into a hotel or something. Tonight though, you get my couch. Because you're not staying here."

"Okay, couch for the night," I smiled.

"Der?" she asked as we walked towards the cars.  
"Yeah?"

"You should probably stop watching Dr. Phil," she giggled, getting into the car. "I'll see you at the house."

I laughed as I got in my own car, smiling as she pulled out to drive away. I could see the smile still on her face. We were back. Well actually not back. Technically speaking, we had just broken up. But not really, because we were us and in weeks we'd be dating again, we'd be working on really being us again. But at least for now my Meredith was back, my giggling, happy Meredith. And we were going to be okay, we really were. We were taking a break and then we'd get back in, slowly this time. This time we were going to do it right.

It was going to be hard.

And it would be worth it.

_At least there's you, and at least there's me._

**So ummm...I'm sorry. I mean, they didn't actually break up break up. And yes, as Katie yelled at me on the phone that a break is a break up. But well this isn't a break, well it is, but it's a good break. Because Derek is right, they're in a really bad place right now. Their relationship has been damaged, because both of them have been damaged and they just aren't in a place to be happy together. So they're taking a step back. And not to heal because as Derek said, they're going to need each other but just to figure out their own heads and breathe and everything. To start over. Although they both know it can't be a complete start over because too much has happened that they do have to talk about...but start over. And do it right this time. So yes, they broke up. But it's not a real one at all. It's a break up with a plan to be happy together. Eventually. And I'm probably rambling..so yeah...just don't kill me. This is good for them, it really is. **

**Update again in a bit. **

**Read. Love. Review.**


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: This update involves random Meredith and Derek communication, and we all watch the show. There's no communication between them on it. Definitely don't own it.**

**Sorry I didn't update yesterday…spent most of the day on the phone with my best friend and then got busy at night. But here's an update now. It's a week after they decided to take a break…and I guess you could call this update the first step to really fixing things.**

**Enjoy!**

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If I had one super power, I'd want the ability to see the future.

Because that would definitely come in handy at times like these, or actually times like last week, when somewhere in my apparently very messed up head I had suggested a break from Meredith. Because had I been able to foresee the hell my life was without her, I would have suggested something entirely different. Something that involved less clothing and a lot less space between us.

Of course I should have known what kind of hell this would be, there had been that whole trying with Addison thing.

And really…the looking into the future thing would be helpful now too, I could just concentrate on what my life with her would be like, instead of the hell that my life without her was.

Rambling in my head again. Definitely Meredith's fault.

This break thing was weird. Last time we hadn't been together we'd been so miserable that every time our paths crossed had been heaven. This time we weren't miserable, we were working on things and when I saw her, okay when I saw her it was still heaven, but a very awkward heaven. I wanted to talk to her, ask her how things were and just be with her, but there was a line. That I had drawn and yet somehow had no idea where it was.

_So this line…is it imaginary or do I need to get you a marker?_

Yeah, that line, definitely couldn't cross that line this time, at least not yet.

"Hey," a soft voice interrupted my thoughts, soon followed by the familiar scent of lavender and Meredith.

"Hey," I smiled, looking up from the chart I was examining to find my kind of girlfriend leaning against the nurse's desk.

"So I met the other Dr. Grey," she sighed, frowning slightly at the thought.

"How'd that go?" I asked, smiling as we were apparently back to talking after a week of strange awkwardness. Talking was good, it was a step and things would follow, other steps would follow.

"Okay," she shrugged. "Callie made sure that no one used my last name, so she didn't know. So yeah…it was okay."

"Good, that's good," I nodded.

"She's a little young for you, Der," Meredith giggled softly. She was giggling. And joking. In my presence. Maybe this break thing wasn't a bad idea. Maybe I was a genius.

"She is," I laughed. "Which is part of the reason I already told you there's only one Grey I'm interested in."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously," I nodded, smiling at her slightly tilting my head. And untrue to popular belief, I'm not an idiot. Even though I do question that sometimes, I do know I'm not an idiot. I knew how I was looking at her. I knew her friends had coined it the McDreamy look. And I knew that that line I hadn't wanted to cross had just been jumped over. But she had giggled, that could definitely be my defense. She giggled and I couldn't be held responsible for things I did after she giggled.

"How are you? It's…we haven't talked and we should talk, so how are you?" she asked, looking at her shoes.

"I'm…I'm me, I guess," I shrugged, thinking more along the lines of screaming and yelling about how much I missed her but for some reason I didn't think that would go over very well. "Mark's driving me nuts."

"Really?" she frowned. "He's been behaving himself recently when I'm around."

"Only because he's now decided since Addison's been gone that this would be a good time to save the friendship he destroyed," I groaned. "He's asked me to go out for drinks almost every night, and now he thinks we should go fishing."

"You should go," she nodded.

"I should?" I asked, looking at her quizzically. "Is Meredith Grey giving me advice?"

"She is," she smiled. "It's just…we're on a break and we're…baggage, there's baggage and we're supposed to fix it or whatever so we can be us. Really us like we want. Mark…he was your best friend and he did that thing and now he's baggage, you should do drinks or fishing or whatever. Talk to him."

"I…you're probably right," I sighed. "It's just…it's going to be hard."

"I know," she nodded, reaching over and resting her hand gently on my arm.

Silence fell over us as we both gazed at her hand on my arm, her skin a stark contrast to the white of my lab coat. Contact. For the first time in a week we touched, even if just simply, we touched. And my arm felt warm where her hand rested on it. I couldn't pull my eyes away from the simple touch.

"Thanks," I finally chocked out, my voice gruff.

"I should…we're…yeah, I should go," she whispered, quickly pulling her hand away.

"Yeah…I have…patient," I cleared my throat.

"Okay…umm…okay," she nodded. "I'll see you later."

"Yep," I nodded, watching her run away.

And I turned back to my chart, not trying to wipe the smile off my face. The week of hell suddenly felt worth it, because the woman that had just spontaneously grabbed my arm was the woman I had seen in the bar over a year ago. The smile on her face, the giggle, the way we talked, that had been my Meredith. I knew the work wasn't over, I knew we weren't back and it wasn't time to ask her out, but I knew it was something.

It made the break worth it.

We were going to get back to us.

_But all this is crazy and amazing. _

_There's only one half of us that I'm saving. _

**First...strangely, I've had them both ask "Where are we going to go from here?" so far. And I know a fan asked me if I was thinking of the song and I swear I wasn't. But I just looked up the lyrics...and they fit this fic. Hehehe. That's where this update's lyric is from. As fo the update...the two of them haven't been avoiding each other but everytime they meet it's awkward. Because they are "together" but not "together" if that makes sense...it's hard to know how to communicate when taking a step back. But it's been a week, and suddenly Meredith talks to him. Kind of casual talk, but actually kind of big talk. She actually tells him about the sister meeting...and then gives him advice about Mark. So yep. It's a tiny bitty step back towards each other. **

**And I'll update again tonight...have to call my friend, and then I'll update this one again. **

**Read. Love. Review.**


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: People keep telling me they wished I wrote for the show, and if anyone knows how to get me a job writing for the show, it would be more than welcome, because right now I definitely don't.**

**Sorry this took longer than it was supposed to to get up, life is crazy like that sometimes, lol. But it's here now…and I feel that I should warn you that Lexie appears in this chapter. No worries…Derek is good and behaves but she is in it. **

**Enjoy!**

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She was flirting.

Okay, I couldn't actually hear what she was saying, so it was hard to say exactly if she was flirting. But she was looking at him, the other guy, with that look in her eyes that was usually reserved for me. That was pretty much flirting as far as I was concerned.

Not that she couldn't flirt.

We were on a break, for the past two week we had been on a break. She was allowed to flirt with other men. She couldn't go past that, but she could flirt. Flirting was fun, there was nothing wrong with flirting. Flirting was good. It was fine and he was fine and it was nothing. She was allowed to flirt.

And yet again I was starting to sound like Meredith in my head.

"Earth to Shep?" my best friend said. Or former best friend. Or something.

"Sorry…just…sorry…." I shook my head.

"Meredith," Mark sighed, looking across the bar at wear the man whore was now leaning into her, his body far too close to the woman that belonged to me.

"Yeah, Meredith," I nodded, trying to look anywhere but at Meredith. And finding it impossible.

"What the hell is up with you guys? For the last two weeks there's been some tension that's strange even for you two," Mark asked, laughing softly.

"We're on a break."

"A break?"

"Yes," I nodded. "As in not actually a couple, although also not sleep with other people so that guy better keep his hands to himself."

"I tell you to fight for her, and you break up with her?" Mark asked.

"I didn't break up with her, this is me fighting for her," I protested. "We were a mess so we're taking a step back, breathing and starting over again. From scratch and doing it right this time."

"That's the stupidest thing I have ever heard," he responded, disgust in his voice.

"No it's not," I shook my head.

"Yes it is," he nodded. "You've spent the last year of your life building this relationship up with her. You can't just turn around and start over, pretend none of that happened. You can't build something, only to burn it down and start over."

"We're not trying to," I sighed. "I know we have issues to work through, and we will. But right now, we're taking a breather."

"And you need a breather from her?" he asked.

"No," I frowned. "But we need it."

"Whatever, man, sounds stupid to me," he shook his head. "And that guy is pissing all over your property."

"No kidding," I groaned.

I was supposed to be talking to Mark, I was supposed to be fixing my own problems. Meredith had told me to fix this and I was trying to listen to her advice but she was making it damn hard draping herself all over some other guy across the bar. Sure, she wasn't actually even touching the other guy but that was definitely beside the point. I couldn't really concentrate on anything when she was looking at someone else with our look.

"Hi Derek…I mean, Dr. Shepherd," a voice came from my other side.

I turned and looked at Meredith's half sister beside me, smiling innocently, and obviously oblivious to her half sister across the bar. And I couldn't help but smile, because without even looking I knew Meredith had stopped flirting with that idiot who somehow thought he had a chance. "Hi Lexie," I nodded. I didn't want to call her by her first name but I couldn't call her Dr. Grey. That name belonged to Meredith and Meredith alone.

"You're here again," she giggled.

"I am," I nodded, gesturing to Mark. "Came out for drinks with my friend. This is Dr. Mark Sloan, head of plastics at the hospital. Mark, this is Dr. Lexie Grey, one of the new interns."

"Lexie Grey?" Mark asked, raising an eyebrow in Derek's direction before recovering himself. "Nice to meet you, Lexie."

"You too," she nodded, reaching out and squeezing Derek's arm. "It looks like your drink ran out."

"It did," I sighed, looking at Mark. "But Mark owes me one, actually he owes me quite a few."

"Oh…" she frowned. "Well umm… some of the interns are having a party tomorrow night. I guess some did it last year so we're making it a yearly tradition or something…you should come, Derek. So should you, Dr. Sloan."

_Take me for a ride, Derek._

I had fond fond memories of that party a year before. But it definitely wasn't something I was looking to make into a yearly tradition.

"I'm going to pass this time," I shrugged.

"This time?" she sighed. "You went last year?"

"Wouldn't have missed it," I smiled, looking over at where Meredith sat, the idiot still hanging all over her but she barely seemed to notice, as her eyes were locked on Lexie's hand resting on my arm.

"Oh…" she said, removing her hand from my arm finally. "I guess I'll see you tomorrow. Both of you."

Mark said something in response but I just gestured to Joe to refill my glass. Just because I was on a break with the other Grey didn't mean I wanted the new Grey draping herself all over me, or even flirting with me. I didn't want her calling me Derek and inviting me to a party that Meredith hadn't even thought to invite me too. I didn't want her to not be willing to give up on me. She was just the wrong Grey…I wanted the original Grey I had met in the bar.

The one that was looking at that other man with our look again.

"Was that Meredith's sister?" Mark asked.

"Half sister," I sighed. "Meredith knows about her but she doesn't know about Meredith. Which I'm not quite sure how it's working out that that Dr. Grey hasn't discovered my Dr. Grey, but well, yeah, it's her sister."

"And the party, Meredith's place last year?" Mark asked.

"Yeah," I nodded, smiling. "We had sex in my car, Bailey caught us."

"Nice, Shep," he laughed.

I glanced over at Meredith again, smiling widely as she shook her head no to the idiot and pulled back ever so slightly. The smile widened further as the idiot looked down with disappointment and slowly walked away. That was my Meredith. Actually it wasn't, my Meredith shot back tequila and took home random guys. But this was my new and improved Meredith, the one that was in and wanted to be with me. Eventually.

"Joe?" I asked.

"Yeah, Doc?"

"Can you give that beautiful blonde in the purple sweater a shot of tequila on me?" I smiled.

"Derek…that's Meredith," Joe said, looking confused.

"I'm aware of that Joe," I nodded, laughing. "And Meredith deserves a drink."

"Whatever you say, Shep," he sighed, turning around to serve Meredith the shot, gesturing towards me as Meredith looked at him, confusion on her face.

And then she looked at me, and time stopped. Because finally she wasn't looking at an idiot with our look, she was looking at me. She was looking at me with our look, in a way I hadn't seen in too long. I was brought back to that night over a year ago, and the way it felt when we had first looked at each other. Suddenly everything felt right again.

_So I'm praying just to let it go _

_Watch from a distance just to see you glow. _

**So Derek went to Joe's with Mark, following Meredith's advice to fix things with him as it would help. But he can't talk to Mark about their issues because Meredith is there, and there's a guy. And then Lexie shows up. And both of them both turn down the other people, because well they're Derek and Meredith. So Derek buys her a drink. And yeah, I know I just summarized the chapter but there's not a lot of stuff to discuss here...Meredith and Derek are sticking to their plan to not try to find anyone else. And eventually they'll be okay. **

**Will hopefully update later tonight if all goes well. **

**Read. Love. Review.**


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: I've spent my evening watching reality television. It sucks. If I owned Grey's Anatomy, during summer hiatus there'd be some cool sow with deleted scenes or backstage stuff or something.**

**Sorry this took a while. Had a fight with the rents and lost the laptop for a bit and yeah, have it back now. So I'm updating. And because it's taken so damn long to get up I gave you a gift. Or well Meredith in my head gave you a gift…because she insisted that it was a good idea. And I think she might be right.**

**Enjoy!**

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"Dr. Shepherd! Dr. Shepherd!" a voice came from somewhere behind me.

Crap. I remembered what my life had been like at this time last year, I remembered it fondly. Running through the hospitals in search of an intern named Grey, who managed to avoid me at every turn. Not this year though. This year I had awkward yet kind of amazing encounters with her anytime we ran into each other. And the intern named Grey was chasing me everywhere while I tried desperately to avoid her.

"Dr. Grey," I greeted her, trying not to wince at using the name that should only belong to Meredith.

"I have to ask you something," she smiled.

"Dr. Grey, I've already told you, I'm involved with someone else. I'm sure you're a wonderful girl, but I'm just not interested," I sighed.

"Oh," she frowned, biting her lip in a way that reminded me of the half sister she didn't know existed. "Actually, it's not about that, it's about the other Dr. Grey."

Or maybe she did know about the half sister.

"Dr. Grey? Meredith?" I asked, trying to keep my voice calm and not to panic. Of course Lexie was going to find out she wasn't the only Dr. Grey in this hospital. And of course there would be questions. And somehow I was getting the questions instead of Meredith, which was very good. But still, Lexie asking question, it felt like panicking time.

"Yeah, that's her name," Lexie shook her head. "I heard some people talking about her, so I was wondering…I asked one of the nurses and she said that if I needed to know anything about her you were the man that I should talk to."

"Oh…umm…I guess I would be," I nodded. Of course I would be. The boyfriend, well kind of boyfriend, or whatever the hospital was categorizing our current relationship as. But Lexie definitely didn't need to know that.

"Okay…so umm…" she hesitated. "Exactly why are you the guy I should ask?"

"Oh…Meredith and I…she was an intern last year and really…she enjoyed neurosurgery," I stammered. Or my body, you take your pick. "We worked together a lot so we're kind of friends." Or kind of soul mates, you take your pick on that one too.

"I get it. Anyway, I was wondering…is her mother Dr. Ellis Grey?"

"I don't know," I said quickly. "We're friends… but it's complicated. I don't know a lot about her." At least that was the truth, kind of.

"Oh," she frowned. "I was hoping you would. See…my dad was married to Ellis Grey before he married my mom, and they had a daughter but I've never met her so I was just wondering."

"That's something you should talk to Meredith about," I suggested. Or not actually talk to Meredith as Mer was going through enough already and she didn't really need the added stress of her sister added to it. But I wasn't about to spill the beans.

"Yeah," she sighed. "I just have no idea who she is."

"You'll figure it out," I smiled. "Now if you excuse me, I have to go do something."

"Thanks for your help, Der…Dr. Shepherd," she smiled as I walked away.

I nodded and walked away. Meredith, I definitely had to warn Meredith that Lexie was asking questions, that Lexie wanted to talk to her. There was no way I could let her just be hit like that unexpectedly. Warning, warning would be good.

Minutes later she met me in an on call room.

"Derek, break. Breaks don't usually involve secret meetings in on call rooms," she sighed the second she walked in. "Even if they used to be a lot of fun."

But she was smiling. I had missed that smile and I hadn't even been aware of it. Long before the accident the smile had disappeared and everything had changed. Long before we had changed. And somehow I hadn't even noticed it had been gone.

Absent. I had been absent.

"Lexie is asking questions," I sighed, motioning for her to come and sit down beside me. She'd want to be sitting down.

"What?"

I breathed deeply as she sat beside me, smiling slightly as the lavender surrounded me. "She heard about you, and she asked a nurse. The nurse told her I was the guy to talk to about you."

"What? What did she ask?" she asked, her voice full of panic.

"She wanted to know if you're mom was Ellis Grey," I sighed. "I said I didn't know, that there was a lot I didn't know about you."

"Oh," she nodded slowly. "Did you…us…does she know about us?"

I shook my head. "I said that you were kind of a friend, that it was complicated. Which I guess…that's the truth, Mer."

"It is," she nodded again.

"I told her…I had no idea what to say, so I told her she should track you down and talk to you," I whispered.

"Oh…" she breathed.

And then I didn't think, I just reacted. Because somehow Meredith had managed to make a word, not even a word, sound completely entirely broken. And that didn't actually leave me with many options. So I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her close, sighing slightly in relief as I felt her body melt into mine, her arms wrapped around me and she fisted my shirt in her hands. I didn't really remember the last time we had held each other like this. It felt good.

It felt perfect.

A tiny shudder ran through her body as she hugged me tighter. "Thanks, Der," she breathed against my neck.

"For what?"

"Not telling her that much. And giving me the warning. I definitely needed the warning," she nodded against my chest.

"I knew you would," I nodded, hugging her tighter. "I didn't want you rambling to Lexie. I'm not sure she'd find it quite as adorable as I do."

"Probably not," Meredith giggled pulling back from me slightly. "I'm still going to ramble. She's my sister, well half sister and I don't know her and she, questions, Derek. Ramble, I'm definitely going to ramble."

"You'll be fine," I smiled, brushing a strand of hair from her face.

"I will," she nodded. "Der…if…when she finds out and questions and stuff, can…break, I know, break, but can I come find you? Whenever it happens?"

"Of course," I nodded quickly, smiling. "Page me and I'll come running."

"Even if you're in the middle of surgery?" she asked, giggling slightly.

"Well… I'll come running the second I can," I laughed.

And then she kissed me.

Soft and quick, barely a kiss. But her lips were on mine, pressing against them. It was so fast that had I blinked I might have missed it.

But I didn't.

"See you later, Derek," she said, suddenly hoping off the bed and heading towards the door. "And thanks…again."

And then she was gone. And I was left smiling, because I could feel her on my lips. Because she was going to come to me when she needed me. Because when I had hugged her she had actually let me hold her, really hold her. So I sat on the bed and smiled.

She wasn't pulling away.

I wasn't be absent.

_When you breathe, I want to be the air for you._

**So to me the big big part of this chapter, more than Lexie, more than anything, was Derek figuring out he had been absent. Because the smile that had captivated him had been gone and he had barely noticed. He had been absent with Addison and it was happening again with Meredith. So him noticing that change, that was big big big in steps wise. Bigger than the tiny kiss. Because Derek is really starting to notice what he did wrong in this. So all the other stuff...pretty great and needed to happen, especially Meredith turning to Derek, preemptively even. That's also big..but him not being absent this time. That was the ultimate. **

**Hope to update again tonight. **

**Read. Love. Review.**


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: If I owned Grey's Anatomy I wouldn't be watching Season 1 right now for shiggles. I'd be busy writing Season 4…that would make Season 1 look depressing.**

**Sorry that this took a bit...I had writer's block in it. Which was ick. But today at work I had time to think about it (thank god for dead and boring jobs) and I worked my way around my writer's block so here's an update.And it's not filler but it's Mer/Der stuff...it's another Der plot. But he says something that will make you smile. **

**Enjoy!**

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"She kissed me," I sighed, looking at the still water in front of him.

"Really?" Mark asked. "And Shep, quite frankly, it's a little sad that I have to ask this, but which Grey are we talking about?"

"Meredith."

"Meredith kissed you? What happened to the break?" Mark asked.

I sighed and looked at him. I hadn't even know how I had ended up here with him. Something vaguely popped into my mind about running into him outside of the locker room right after Meredith had left. And he might have invited me fishing, and at the point I could still feel Meredith on mine and I would have agreed to basically anything. So now I was fishing with Mark.

"We're still on a break," I shrugged. "A break that involves kissing."

"That doesn't sound very break like to me," Mark argued.

"It was barely a kiss, more of a….brushing of the lips," Derek sighed.

"And Meredith has made you a sadder man than you were in New York," Mark shook his head.

"I'm happy," I shrugged.

"Than what exactly is this break about?"

"It's complicated, Mark," I sighed.

And then silence fell again as we both concentrated on the water. I had missed this, I hated admitting that, but I had missed this. You weren't supposed to miss the man that fucked your wife but yet I had. Because fishing with someone who hadn't been Mark, it hadn't felt right. This was what we did, at least it was since my dad had dragged us out when we were five. And I had missed it.

I had missed Mark.

"Remember that place we used to fish at in New York?" I suddenly asked.

"The place your dad found for us?" Mark asked. "How could I forget it? That was the world's best fishing hole."

"We haven't gone there in years," I sighed.

"Yeah, well, one of us was too busy trying to fast track his career," Mark groaned, causing me to glance over at him. That was the first time he had ever said anything like that, anything to make me think that maybe Meredith and Addison hadn't been the only people I was absent with.

Apparently I had been an ass.

"After things are settled with Meredith we should head to New York for a weekend fishing trip," I heard myself suggesting.

"Seriously?"

"Seriously," I nodded, liking the idea as soon as I had said it. Second time in recent memory that had happened. Maybe this not thinking too much and just going with my instincts idea was better than I thought.

"We'll have to book the time off so you're going to have to figure out how much longer it is till you have things settled with Meredith," Mark pointed out.

"I wish I knew," I sighed. "Things are getting better for us but I don't know."

"What the hell is the exact problem with you two, Shep?"

"I was absent," I breathed, hating the way the words turned my stomach. It had been the first time I had admitted that out loud. And it made me feel like shit.

"Again?" Mark scoffed.

"Apparently," I groaned.

"But…how?" he asked.

"I don't know," I sighed. "We were happy. Life was…I thought we had our happily ever after. But Mer…she's amazing and I love her, but she's a mess. Things got complicated and instead of trying…I pulled away. I stopped being there. I was…absent."

"You're an ass," Mark laughed.

I wanted to punch him. Usually when the ass that slept with your wife called you an ass, the appropriate thing to do was to punch him. Except for he was right, which made it worse.

"I'm an ass," I nodded.

"How the fuck did you mess this up again?" Mark demanded. "I got it with Addison, well not really but you two were never that great together. So I got it. But Meredith…Derek, I might have not got to spend that much time with you two, but it's kind of damn obvious that you're so madly in love it's disgusting."

"She's it for me," I shrugged.

"And yet you fucked it up," he groaned.

"And yes I fucked it up," I sighed. "I don't know why I did. Things started getting messy and it was just easier to deal with by working and…it was stupid. I should have pushed."

"Don't lose this one, Shep," Mark sighed.

"I won't," I shook my head. "I can't."

And then silence again, except for this time it felt like usual silence that fell between us when we were fishing. Nothing seemed off, nothing seemed weird between us. For a second in time we were back to being Mark and Derek, the two kids who had grown up together.

"Did you love her?" I suddenly asked.

"Addison?" Mark frowned.

"Yeah," I nodded.

"I thought I did…but I don't know. I wanted to," Mark shrugged.

"How…how did it happen? You're my best friend and you slept with my wife. How the hell does that happen?" I sighed.

"You weren't there," he frowned. "You weren't around so Addison and I, we just started hanging out together. And one thing led to another. I don't know when we started…the sex. But things…it just happened."

"And you don't even know if you loved her…" I breathed.

"At the time I thought I did. But since she left…I've been thinking. And I don't know…I think that maybe…it made it easier for me to forgive myself for what I did if I was in love with her."

"Mark, you slept with my wife…that's not exactly….it's unforgivable," I sighed, closing my eyes for a second.

"And yet here we are…."

"Here we are," I nodded. "You shouldn't have had the shot to sleep with her, I should have been there. It's my own fault."

"Not entirely, Shep," Mark sighed. "I should have kept my hands off her."

"We were both asses."

"If I could go back and do it again, I would."

"You would?" I asked turning to him, vaguely remembering a day he had fallen out of our tree house when we were eight. My mom had rushed him to the hospital and they had done all kind of brain scans, that at the time seemed amazing but now seemed like nothing. They had come out clear.

Apparently they had missed something.

"If I didn't sleep with her, you'd still be in New York and miserable. We all would be. And Shep, your life is a mess right now, but you're happy. Or you will be once you or Meredith figure this mess out."

I nodded, at a loss of anything else to say. Because he was right. In a really twisted way, Mark had managed to give me everything I had ever wanted. And it somehow we could go back in time…actually Mark was an idiot. If I could go back in time I would have left Addison a long time ago and come here to find my Meredith long before either of us could have gotten this damaged.

It would be nice if we could be happy right now, instead of headed toward being happy.

"Mark?"

"Yeah?"

"Meredith and I…she's it for me. And once we get this straightened out, when we finally have things figured out, I'm going to ask her to marry me," I breathed, smiling as I said it. I had been considering doing it since she had given me my second chance but this was definitely the first time I had said it out loud.

It felt damn good.'

"Good for you, man." Mark grinned.

"If I ask you to be my best man again, you won't sleep with Meredith 10 years after the wedding?"

"I won't touch her," Mark promised, shaking his head. "I'm pretty sure that if I tried, she's cut my balls of anyway."

I smiled and passed Mark a beer, grabbing one of my own as well. This was good. Meredith had specifically told me to fix things with Mark. And they weren't fixed, not yet. I hadn't quite forgiven him, and I wasn't about to leave him alone with Meredith anytime in the near future. But it was definitely the biggest step I had taken with the ass in over a year.

I had been taking a lot of steps lately.

**No lyric for this update as I couldn't think of anything that fit. There's no many songs about fishing with the man that slept with your wife, lol. And I'm not sure how much I can say. Derek hasn't forgiven Mark, and I hope we all got that. Because Mark did do something awful that's not easy to forgive. But what happened here...Derek let Mark back into his life in a way that could one day lead to actual forgiving. He reaccepted Mark as his best friend...even if life isn't perfect between them but he's giving him room to get back in. So healing and stuff can happen. Yes, cheesy healing, lol. Oh and Derek is planning on proposing. Heheheh. **

**I will update tomorrow...hopefully a few times...I have some stuff to do but hopefully will still get a least 2 up. **

**Read. Love. Review.**


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer: If I owned Grey's Anatomy Derek would wear a dress at least once. As Patrick Dempsey rocks a dress just as much as he rocks a tux…and a towel. (if you don't know what I'm talking about ask and I shall pm you a website)**

**Sorry this took a bit to get up…it's that time of month, so I have cramps. And the AC in my house is broken so it's stupid hot. And Patrick Dempsey is wearing a pink dress. This all leads to my brain being very slow. But here it is finally. And I made it extra long. And gave you all some Mer/Der.**

**Enjoy!**

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I stared at the lunch in front of me. I hated eating alone. Eating alone was for loser and freaks who watched Star Wars and played video games. It wasn't for successful neurosurgeons, with great hair and an amazing kind of girlfriend. Except for every time I turned the corner anywhere in the hospital the half sister of said amazing kind of girlfriend was waiting for me to ask me questions about said amazing girlfriend, who had apparently finally perfected the art of avoiding people.

Or so I had to believe as I had barely had a moment alone with her since the kind of kiss a week ago.

Kind of girlfriend. Kind of kiss. Far too many kind ofs in my life right now.

And I was definitely developing a kind of headache.

I took a bit of my sandwich and frowned…it sounded like someone was using a key to get into my office. Which made no sense as it was my office. And no one had the key except for me. And there was that copy I had illegally made for Meredith.

But she was avoiding.

"You're in here," she said, as soon as the door was open. Okay, apparently not avoiding. Apparently looking completely overwhelmed by something.

"It is my office, Mer," I smirked.

"I know, of course it's your office," she nodded, wringing her hands together and chewing on her bottom lip. "I just…I had my key and I didn't think you were. The door was locked and I thought. I'll go."

"No!" I protested loudly and quickly. Probably too loudly and quickly but she was here and I wasn't ready for her to leave. "It's okay. You can hide in my office too."

"I'm not hiding," she shook her head quickly, but closed the door behind her and I heard the lock click. "Why are you hiding?"

"Because you're still avoiding your sister, so she keeps finding me and asking me questions," I groaned.

"Sorry," she frowned, falling onto my couch.

"It's okay. I'm good playing on your team," I nodded. "And what are you hiding from?"

"My friends…" she sighed, squeezing her eyes shut. "They're asking questions. Because I told them about the break and then about the kiss, or whatever that was, and now there's question. So avoiding my friends."

"This office is very good for avoiding," I nodded. "Want half of my sandwich?"

"Sure," she smiled slightly, grabbing it from me.

Silence fell between us. Those were happening a lot with me lately, but it was probably a good thing. Years ago my mom told me I spent too much time talking and not enough time thinking. So silences with the two people I had messed things up with the most was probably a generally good idea. It's not like the silences seemed to be hurting. Maybe they were good.

And silence meant I could watch her.

She looked annoyed and a little stressed, but pretty cute. Well no, just absolutely totally cute. She frowned slightly as she chewed the sandwich, her eyes downcast, apparently staring at her shoes. And he had no reason to want her right now, but he did.

"What's she like?" Meredith suddenly asked, her eyes leaving her shoes and finding me.

"Who?" I asked.

"Lexie…she seems to talk to you a lot. She likes you. She wants in your pants," she shrugged.

"I think she's over that last bit," I said quickly.

"Really?"

"I made it quite clear that I'm off the market," I smiled.

"Oh…" she smiled slightly and then quickly shifted, wiping the smile from her face. "So Lexie…what is she like."

"I don't really know," I shrugged. "Most of my time spent with her is avoiding questions. She seems nice, really sweet and…innocent. Sometimes she reminds me of you, if you're life had been easier."

"She does?" Meredith breathed.

"She's like you…but bright and shiny," I smiled. I had noticed that talking to her earlier…how she talked, how she carried herself, definitely Meredith's sister. And it made my immediate attraction to her that night in the bar make sense. I had been desperate for Mer that night. And Lexie had reminded me of her.

"I…she would be," Meredith frowned. "She had the family, she had an easy life, of course she'd be bright and shiny. No one abandoned her, no one messed her up, she'd be bright and shiny and happy and innocent and everything I'm not."

"Mer…" I try to cut in.

"If…I know we're not supposed to see other people but if you want…she's me, but bright and shiny, so I'd get it, Derek," she nodded, looking at the ground again. "She's me but not scary and damaged, she's happy. You could be happy."

"Meredith…" I had to stop this tirade, this adorable ramble, but she was thinking things that definitely were far from the truth of what I was thinking.

"No, Derek, you don't have to explain," she whispered. "I get it. She's better than me, she has everything and I have nothing except a very large pile of baggage. I get it."

"Meredith Elizabeth Grey," I cut in. I never used her full name. I don't even know if she knew that I knew her full name.

"Derek…" she frowned looking at me. "What?"

"Come here…." I said, gesturing for her to come sit in my lap. And I had no idea why. But she was sitting there, talking about how someone was better than her and she looked vulnerable and broken. And when I had been little and looking like she did, my mom had always pulled me onto her lap. I was pretty sure no one had ever done that for her.

"I can't sit on your lap, Derek," she shook her head.

"Yes, you can," I nodded.

"But we're on a break," she frowned.

"Which was my idea, so I get to make the rules," I smiled. "And you can definitely sit on my lap."

She frowned again but she did move. She got off my couch and for a second I was terrified she was just going to walk out of my office, but she moved towards my desk. And fell into my lap. The familiar smell of lavender and Meredith surrounded me and I wrapped an arm around her.

"What am I sitting on your lap?" she asked quietly, melting into me.

"Because you looked like you needed to sit on someone's lap," I shrugged. "And I'm pretty sure you were about to have a nervous break down on my couch."

"I wasn't having a nervous break down," she sighed.

"Yes, you were," I nodded, kissing her head gently. "And I think you've talked enough in the last five minutes. Now it's my turn and you're going to listen."

"Why?" she whispered.

"Because someone needs to talk to you, and as the man madly in love with you…that should probably be me," I nodded, even though I wasn't one hundred percent sure what I wanted to say. It would come to me.

"Okay," she nodded, melting further into my chest.

"Meredith…" I breathed. "Lexie…she, she had everything you didn't. She got your dad and the life you were supposed to have with him. She got the supportive family and the love and everything you should have had. She had the easy life."

"Derek, this is not exactly helpful," she sighed against my chest.

"Listening, Mer, you're listening," I laughed. "I'm going somewhere with this."

"Oh…yeah…listening, I can listen," she nodded.

"You…you didn't have it easy, Mer," I whispered. "You had it far too damn hard. You didn't have a dad, you didn't really have a mom. There was no supportive family, no loving home life. You grew up with nothing."

"Derek…I had a crap life, I know. Pointing it out…not helping me feel better," she groaned.

"You're not good at the listening thing, Mer," I frowned. "I'm getting there…Mer, you had nothing. Everything you've gotten in life, you've had to do alone. Everything Lexie has…it's been a team effort."

"Yeah," she whispered, wiping a tear away, one that I didn't even know had fallen.

"And yet here you both are, in the residency program at Seattle Grace," I smiled. "You had completely different lives and you ended up in the exact same place."

"No we aren't in the same place," she shook her head quickly. "We might…we work at the same place but she's happy, she's bright and shiny and everything and me….Derek, I'm so dark and twisty I'm barely holding it all together."

"You're dark and twisty," I agreed, hugging her tightly, really tightly. "And you're strong. You had no one pushing you, no one helping you, and yet here you are. You did it, Mer. You did it alone. You had every reason to give up and you just keep going. Do you have any idea how amazing that makes you? As far as I'm concerned…you're so much better than Lexie…she can't even touch you."

"Der…I…wow," she breathed.

"You never thought of it that way?" I asked, running my fingers through her hair.

"No…I…I just did what I had to do. I didn't….I'm not strong, I just lived and did what I needed to do," she shrugged.

"That's usually called strength, Mer. Most people, in your situation, they would have given up hell of a long time ago," I whispered.

"Sometimes…I think I should, sometimes I want to," she admitted quietly. "Sometimes I don't believe in happy endings."

"That's crap."

"What?" she asked, looking at me suddenly.

"That's crap," I shrugged. "If you didn't believe in happy endings you wouldn't be here. You wouldn't be sitting on my lap, listening to me. We wouldn't be on a break. You'd be done with me."

"I guess…" she whispered. "You mess me up, Derek. You…you make me happy and I don't know…it's not me, Der."

"Maybe it is," I smiled. "Maybe for the first time, it is."

"Maybe…I'm just…alone, Derek, I operate alone and now…now I have this guy that makes me sit on his lap and tells me all these good things about me and I don't know…I'm not used to this."

"I know," I nodded. "But you have me now."

"I kind of have you now," she giggled.

"You have me now," I whispered. "You completely have me now."

"Derek?"

"Yeah?"

"I want to get used to this," Meredith whispered, resting her head on my shoulder again.

"Good," I sighed. "That's…it's really good."

"Can I…this is awkward, maybe but I'm…I like this, I like you and the holding I just…not move…for a bit?" she whispered.

"I'd love if you didn't move for a bit," I sighed, smiling widely at her. I had missed this, I had missed feeling her against me and smelling the lavender and her. She moved slightly, relaxing more in my arms, curling up closer to me. I had missed this, her leaning into me, finding comfort in my arms. I just missed holding her.

And I couldn't remember the last time I had.

Since the ferry boat thing…that had changed things. Holding her had become desperation, just wanting to listen to her breathe. It had stopped being about loving her, about just wanting to be there, in that moment, with her. We had lost each other in so many ways. And I hadn't even realized it, but it had definitely been killing me.

But now this, this felt right again. I was just holding her to hold her.

"Derek?"

"Yeah?"

"I think…this talking thing, it's good," Meredith whispered.

"Yeah, it is," I sighed, hugging her closely. She was right, this talking things was good. Really good. This talking thing was going to save them.

_Hold me in your arms_

_Just to see how it feels._

**So honestly...I really don't think I can tear this one apart. It's one of those ones that I feel basically talks for itself. I think Lexie could really be used to show Meredith that she didn't need her family, that she did it alone and now she found her family in Derek. And this just kind of shows that...Derek talking to her about this, showing that she's so much stronger. And then her wanting to just stay with him, because he is who is there for her. She's not alone. So yes. **

**And I will update tomorrow night after work...and after ET as they have a new Paddy interview. **

**Read. Love. Reveiw.**


	14. Chapter 14

**Disclaimer: I have a headache. If I owned the show I'd get Derek to look at it. Not that he can help as I'm quite certain it's allergies, but him looking at me would be help enough.**

**Here's it is! Sorry I didn't get this up last night. I wasn't sure how I felt about it so I stopped writing it and started again today. And I still don't know if I love it or not but I'm leaning towards yes, so here it is. It's kind of wierd because we only get so much as it's Der's perspective...so yes...**

**Enjoy!**

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I was still on that damn cloud.

And I probably shouldn't be. Because it had been yesterday and it had just been talking. And sitting on my lap. For a good hour until I had gotten paged away. But in the long story that was our relationship it hadn't been much at all. But somehow it had felt like a lot more.

So here I was, the next day, still sitting on cloud nine.

Or maybe it was fifty.

I felt good. I felt more than good. I felt like everything was starting to work for me. I had gotten Chief, which yes, I had turned down but talk about an ego boost. Mark and I were friends again, well a form of friends, that was very different than what we had had, but it was something. And Meredith…I couldn't stop smiling if I even thought of her name. Things were slowly falling into place and things were changing. They were changing for the better. We were getting back to us.

I was going to ask her out on that date soon.

Very soon.

I just had to think of something perfect. Because this was Meredith and no one had ever really given her perfect. I had never even given her perfect. But she deserved it, the past nearly a month had definitely taught me that. So I needed to figure out the perfect date.

Whatever that meant.

I just knew that this time I had to do better than nights spent up having sex but never going on dates…and even worse night fully clothed going right to bed. This time I had to do better than that.

The girl was going to get some romance.

Speaking of the girl, or thinking of her, that was definitely her on the opposite side of the cafeteria. I had Meredith radar, always had, hence my usual amazing ability to find her alone on elevators. It had been fuzzy recently, but apparently not so much anymore.

And that was Lexie.

Walking towards Meredith. Looking purposeful and determined.

Crap.

Meredith tensed as soon as Lexie said hi. Okay, to everyone else in the area it probably wasn't noticeable but she was Meredith and I was Derek and she definitely tensed upon Lexie's apparently friendly greeting. I felt my body wanting to move closer, to protect her, but I couldn't. Meredith needed to do this.

She needed to do this alone.

I just wasn't moving from this spot until it was over because I'm pretty sure it was my official job to make sure Meredith was left standing.

They were talking. Lexie was smiling, I couldn't see Meredith's face. But they were talking and Meredith didn't seem to Meredithy about it. Well maybe she was; she seemed to be gesturing with her hands a lot. She definitely might be freaking out but at least she had known this was coming. I had done all I could do. At least until they were done talking.

Lexie was frowning now. This was bad. Because it meant Meredith was probably saying things she'd later regret, she did that when she got going. And I would be doing damage control, which was fine. But this was messy, this was my kind of girlfriend and her kind of sister. I had no idea where the lines were, I had no idea how far to push things and what to let go. If Meredith was saying things that she didn't mean, my life was going to get more complicated.

Which was okay, it was worth it for Mer.

Meredith was angry now. Definitely angry. Maybe she wasn't going to say anything she regretted, maybe she was just finally saying what she should have said ages ago. That would be good.

That would probably make damage control more Meredith centric. I happened to love anything that was Meredith centric.

And now Lexie looked like she was going to cry. This wasn't good and it was probably time that I stepped in. As that was beginning to feel like my job again. Protecting Meredith Grey was definitely beginning to be my job again.

"You stole my dad, but not him, you don't get to steal him. Things right now they're messy and complicated but he's mine. And always will be, so back off," I heard Meredith hiss as I approached slightly.

They were fighting about me.

Okay, definitely not the time to step in.

But it was done, Meredith was storming off. She was storming in the opposite direction and I was pretty sure she hadn't even seen me. But she said she'd page after talking to Lexie if she needed me. She would.

She had to.

Because we weren't that not talking couple anymore.

We were saving us.

I turned to leave but Meredith was standing there, at the other side of the crowded room, staring at me with tears in her eyes.

"Are you okay?" I mouthed.

"Yes…no…" she mouthed back, wiping at her eyes. She was definitely doing her Meredith being far to strong routine. I knew it well. And it was usually followed by her walking away.

"Do you need me?" I mouthed, asking the question I was terrified to hear the answer to.

She paused. She paused and frowned. She paused and frowned and rocked back and forth on her feet. My heart stopped. She couldn't…this would kill whatever it was we had salvaged and she had promised. She couldn't walk away again, if she did. We'd be over.

She nodded.

"Page me," I mouthed, pointing to my pager.

She turned around and disappeared but my pager would be ringing soon.

"Dr. Shepherd?"

Lexie. Apparently I was a Grey magnet. She looked just as beat as Meredith did. If I wasn't so worried about her sister I might even care. "Dr. Grey," I greeted.

She needed to change her name.

Or Meredith did.

I definitely voted Meredith as I had one picked out for her. But that was going to take time.

"I talked to my sister…I talked to Meredith," Lexie said.

"So I saw," I nodded.

"She kind of…she freaked out," Lexie frowned.

"She does that," I couldn't help but smiled.

"Is she…do you think she'll actually…maybe one day…" Lexie stammered. And another man would probably be confused but I was an expert on all things Grey.

"I don't know," I sighed. Okay, maybe not an expert but well versed. "She's…difficult and right now things are, a mess. But she might. Just be patient with her for now."

My pager cut me off.

Meredith.

"I have to go," I smiled apologetically as I began to walk away. "I'll talk to you later, Dr. Grey."

"Derek?" she said awkwardly.

"Yeah?" I stopped.

"When you said your heart's already taken…it's her isn't it? Meredith?" she asked.

"Yeah," I nodded. "Yeah, it is."

I left her, and walked towards the on call room I had been paged to. I didn't know if I should have admitted that, but I couldn't lie, not about my heart belonging to Meredith. I could omit the truth, but I couldn't lie.

"Mer?" I whispered, opening the door of the room.

She sat on the bed, staring at the wall, not crying just staring.

"Mer?"

Her eyes met mine, and right in front of my eyes, she fell apart. Sobs racked her body, tears stained her cheeks. I moved quickly, kneeling in front of her and pulling her into my arms, holding her tightly as she gasped for breath. She clung to me, her fists grasping at my lab jacket. She was falling apart.

"It okay," I whispered. "I'm here, it's okay…I'm here, Mer. I'm here."

I lifted her up and moved us both so we were laying on the bed, holding her close as she cried.

I was finally here.

_Take me into your darkest hour_

_And I'll never desert you_

_I'll stand by you_

**So see...Lexie and Meredith had to talk. But this fic is from Derek's perspective and he couldn't really be there when they talked. So I had to twist and turn things to give them a way to talk without us actually hearing all of it. But Derek still needed to witness it someway, so he could have a panic about whether she was going to come and talk to him or not. So this was defintley a hard update to balance...and Lexie in my head (apparently I have a Lexie in my head) really wanted to figure out that Derek's heart belonged to Mer. So that was thrown in. And well the ending...well that was huge. Meredith let him in. And he was there. Sigh. **

**I'll be updating this later tonight. **

**Read. Love. Review.**


	15. Chapter 15

**Disclaimer: If I owned the show I would have bought a lot more clothes than I actually did today. And I bought a lot, so that's saying something.**

**Sorry I didn't get this up last night, I got caught up doing family stuff so by the time I was done this update it was far too late for me to find the energy to come here and post it. But you will love this update, at least what happens in it and all will be forgiven.**

**Enjoy!**

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I stared at the two coffees in my hands. I had done this before. And I wasn't quite sure why I was repeating it but I vaguely remembered the happy look on Meredith's face the first time I had done it. And that happy look had been reason enough to try the tactic again. She wasn't going to say no anyway, there was no way she was going to say no. This is the reason we had gone through all of this in the first place.

So she would say yes.

And then I had to figure out what this date would consist of but that was details.

It had been a week since I had held her in the on call room and she had cried. After that she had gotten up and left but things had improved. The last week hadn't been awkward, we had been…friends.

But that just wasn't enough, not with my Meredith.

"He sent me flowers," I heard her voice from somewhere behind me. "I was sitting on the couch watching the silly medical drama and someone was at my door. And flowers."

"Please tell me they weren't roses," Cristina responded. "If they were roses I have to kill him."

"Nope," she sighed, sounding happy. "A whole bunch of yellow things. No idea what it was but it was pretty."

"You're all glowey and stuff," Cristina replied, I could hear the disgust in her voice.

"I'm happy," Meredith responded. "I mean…life still sucks but I feel…I think I'm starting to feel like me again."

"Like you again? What does that even mean?" Cristina groaned.

"I don't know," she whispered, but I was close enough now that I could still hear her. "I mean, Lexie is…she's here and she's complicating things. And my life is a mess. But Derek is…he's being Derek. It's making everything…he said that I'm dark and twisty but strong, that I'm amazing because I keep going when everything goes to crap. I'm starting to feel like that girl again."

"What the hell? I thought you and McDreamy were on the rocks? Last time I talked to you it was all doom and gloom," Cristina sighed.

"You haven't exactly been around," Meredith said quietly.

"Seriously? Seriously? I was left at the altar and he left…and you're complaining about me not wanting to hear about your and McDreamy's newest drama?" Cristina spat.

And this was time for me to cut in. Because Meredith had just admitted she was feeling like herself again, which generally meant she could hold her own and battle. God, she could do that. But it also meant that a fight with her best friend could knock down any and all progress we had made.

This was definitely a fight that could needed to be delayed.

"Dr. Grey! Dr. Yang!" I greeted them, walking closer to them.

"Der…Dr. Shepherd," Meredith smiled, shooting me a grateful look. "I got the flowers… they were amazing, you didn't have to."

"You had a bad week," I shrugged. "You needed something to cheer you up."

"It was nice," she nodded, her cheeks turning pink. I don't think I had ever seen her blush before. It was adorable. It made her look innocent and happy. "I don't think…no one has ever sent me flowers before."

That was sad. Really amazingly sad. And I wondered why I had never done it before. I was that guy, growing up in a house full of girls had turned me into that guy. I was the flowers and chocolates and complete romance guy. And somehow I had missed ever doing that for Meredith. Our relationship had been such a mess that I had forgotten about the romance part.

I apparently was an idiot.

And I was starting to worry about how many times I had had that realization in the past month or so. How big of idiot was I?

"You're going to have to get used to it," I smiled, happy to hear her giggle at that. Hell, she deserved all the romance I could give her.

"I can do that," she giggled.

"This is disgusting," Cristina snarled. "You two went from dark and twisty to being happy pod people."

"I also brought you coffee," I smiled, pushing one towards her, knowing it was best to ignore Cristina's comment. "Just the way you like it."

"Thanks," she smiled. And then her eyes widened. "Der…"

And that is what I loved about my Meredith. Well one thing on a list that was very long and grew longer by the second. She was quick. She didn't take time to figure things out, she snapped into them. And she tended to remember tiny details of everything that had ever happened between us. Apparently she remembered the first time this had happened to.

"So umm…" I cleared my throat. "I…I honestly have no idea what I said months ago, but I know it was something quite smooth sounding about asking people out over coffee."

"Oh, not this again," Cristina groaned. "What the hell is even going on?"

Meredith smiled at me, apparently playing along with my game of ignoring Cristina's comments. "It was," she giggled.

"So we have coffee," I raised my cup. And for some strange reason my throat felt dry, and my hands felt shaky. This was ridiculous. I had been more calm the last time I had done this routine. Hell, I hadn't been this nervous since I was 13 and had asked Ashley Smith to a dance.

But this was my Meredith.

"We have coffee," she nodded. She was still smiling at me. She knew what was coming and she was still smiling, that had to be a good sign.

"And umm…" I cleared my throat. And I heard Mark in my head, even though he was in the middle of surgery, calling me a pathetic wuss. "We have Saturday night off…both of us…and I was thinking…would you like to go out for dinner?"

She paused and I felt my heart stop for a second. But she was smiling, she was smiling and her eyes were sparkling. Suddenly she looked exactly like the girl that had smiled me the first night in the bar. The girl that had kicked me out the morning after. And the girl that had made out with me on the elevator days later. She hadn't smiled at me like that since Addison and somehow I hadn't even noticed.

And yet here she was. Capturing my heart with her smile.

If Mark or Cristina could hear my thoughts they would kill me.

Hell, if Meredith could hear my thoughts she would kill me.

And she still hadn't actually answered. Just smiled that beautiful Meredith smile.

"Yeah…" she suddenly nodded, her voice sounding breathless. "Yes, I..dinner…Saturday…I'd…yeah."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously," she nodded as her pager went off. "Crap, I have to go. Can we…details, can we figure out details later?"

"Of course," I nodded quickly.

"Okay," she nodded, biting her bottom lip. "Okay. Bye Der."

And then she was gone and I walked away, feeling better than I had since, since before Addison had shown up. I was probably smiling like Meredith, in a way I hadn't smiled since everything had fallen apart between us. Because after that we had gone through hell, we had tried desperately to cling on but we had gone through hell and came out bruised and bloodied. And we couldn't cling to each other anymore.

We had to let go.

And heal.

We were grabbing for each other again.

A nurse gave me a strange look, and that when I noticed I was whistling. I was walking through the hall whistling. But really I needed to get to my office and start searching the net.

I had a date to plan.

_Oh, I see the light and the heat_

_Yes, I want to be that complete_

**Yay! I think that's all I have to say, lol. He did the over coffee thing again because I thought it was adorable the first time and I think they really need a doover for this whole second chance thing, so it's the beginning of a do over. And that's all I have to say about that, honestly, this update speaks for itself. **

**Update immediately following this one.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	16. Chapter 16

**Disclaimer: If I owned Grey's Anatomy this is how season 4 would play out. But apparently the woman that does own GA thinks Season 3 was brilliant, so no this is probably not how Season 4 will play out.**

**So yes, this is the second one for tonight. Last night I ended up getting busy with family stuff so didn't get to post it, as I said in the last update. And this is today's update. So two for the price of one. And this one is kind of filler…but filler with a point.**

**Enjoy!**

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I was a woman.

Meredith Elizabeth Grey, also known as the love of my life, had turned me into a petrified woman.

Grown forty year old man did not stand in front of their mirrors, clothed only in their boxers, panicking about to wear on a date. No grown man did that. And this was ridiculous. It was just a date, a simple meal out with a girl. With Meredith. And there wasn't anything just about Meredith.

So maybe panicking in front of the mirror was a good idea.

Maybe I should call Mark.

Except for he would just call me the woman I was being and that would be the end of a friendship that was just restarting.

But tonight, tonight was big. We had done the date thing before, but it had never felt like this. It had been drinks at Joe's, or quick meals at different diners, but never anything like this. There had been that one time when we were dealing with Finn, but still this felt completely different. This felt bigger, and bigger was terrifying.

This was terrifying.

Because this time it felt like forever.

It was.

I was taking her to the best restaurant in Seattle. I wasn't even sure why. It wasn't us. Not us at all. But last time we had tried us it had ended in pain, suffering and a whole bunch of other shit that I couldn't concentrate on at the moment. So maybe us not being us tonight would be a good thing, a great thing. We were starting over tonight, we were a new us.

And I was doing that Meredith rambling thing in my head again.

Which I didn't have time for as I had to pick her up in half an hour and I was standing here in my boxers.

Which happened to be her favourite pair of mine.

But that wasn't the point, we were starting again. We were a new us. The old us thought dates consisted of boxers, and usually less than that.

New us called for a suit.

I had a lot of suits, benefit of having a big important job. But I hated suits, which was definitely a downside but tonight I could wear a suit for Meredith. I could do anything for Meredith.

Butterflies, there were actually butterflies in my stomach. This was pushing it. Grown men didn't get butterflies in their stomach when preparing for dates. No men got butterflies. It wasn't manly. It wasn't dignified.

Mark would kick my ass if he knew I had butterflies.

Shirt…I needed…I was wearing a black suit, any shirt would go with a black. Except for this was my first date with Meredith, my Meredith, so it had to be the perfect shirt. Because everything about tonight had to be perfect. She deserved it and no one had ever given it to her before. I was changing that, and that meant I really needed to pick out the shirt, not just a shirt, the shirt.

This was ridiculous.

This was Meredith. She had seen me naked more times than I can count, she had seen me in my pajamas one too many times. She had seen me in probably almost every outfit I owned. And most of the time she just saw me in scrubs. So picking out the perfect shirt was ridiculous.

Besides, I had the tie to stress about. And the hair.

Its harder worker than one would think to be known for having amazing hair.

I was ready. Okay, I wasn't ready at all. I looked like a mess that had somehow managed to find a suit, but still a mess. Meredith would take one look at me and close the door in my face. She would definitely not want to be seen in public with me looking like this big of a mess. I honestly looked like a bum who had pulled on a suit, maybe a hung over man.

I hated my job.

Working a surgeon's hours was killing my looks.

And knowing Meredith she'd probably look like she was something out of my dreams. Which she was actually, but that wasn't important. She would look breathtaking and I would be a mess.

Figures.

The ride there was a blur. Which was another really bad thing. They were completely piling up tonight, everything was just bad. Butterflies, bad hair, blurry car rides. Car rides weren't supposed to be blurry, it probably was not safe, probably up there with drunk driving. Driving under the influence of heading to a huge date. I'd be the first person to be charged with it and it would all be Meredith's fault. Hopefully she'd at least bail me out if they actually took me in for it.

"Dr. Shepherd?" Alex said as he answered the door.

"Dr. Karev," I smiled. At least I think I was smiling, my face filled a little frozen with fear. "Is Meredith ready?"

"No idea," Alex shrugged, not that I had expected much else for him. Suddenly he turned around. "Meredith! Shepherd's here!"

"Coming!" she shouted back.

And then she was running down the stairs, looking like her, messy and rushing and…

She was breathtaking.

Her hair was straight, I had never seen it that straight, it looked amazing. Her dark purple dress hugged her every slight curve. She looked…just wow. She wasn't Meredith, not my Meredith. I had remembered how she looked at the bar, I remember how she looked at the wedding. But tonight, this was for me tonight and she looked…just wow.

And I fell in love with her all over again.

She stood at the foot of the stairs, and we stood in silence. Staring at each other. And it was like the first night at the bar all over again. My heart tripped over itself and my breathing slowed. This was it. Right now, here, this was it. Maybe I hadn't been done, maybe I hadn't realized who exactly she was. Because this moment, it felt like something.

Something big.

I was going to marry the woman I was staring at. Not because I wanted to, even though I did. It was just the fact of the world, this was who I was meant to marry.

"Hi," she whispered a little breathless.

"Hi…" I breathed. "You look…wow, Mer."

"I clean up well," she shrugged. "You…you do too."

"Thanks," I nodded.

Silence again. This was weird. There wasn't supposed to be this many perfect silences on a first date. Of course the last thing this was was a first date, just an unofficial first date. Really more like a hundredth date or something. But still this many completely perfect silent moments was weird.

"Want to get going?" I asked.

"Yeah…yeah," she nodded, smiling. "Let's do this."

_Don't anybody wake me if this is a dream_

'_Cause she is the best thing that's ever happened to me._

**So Derek is scared shitless. Like really really scared. Because as far as I'm concerned except for the one date we saw them coming home from on Sometimes a Fantasy, they never really went on dates. The first time it was just a lot of sex. This time around they settled into "old married couple" really fast. So this time, at least in my GA world, they're going their first real date. And he's also terrified because they're going into this knowing this is it. It's not going in blind, they're taking a big step towards forever. That definitely sounded cheesy. **

**And I might update this again tonight but probably not. Tomorrow for sure. **

**Read. Love. Review.**


	17. Chapter 17

**Disclaimer: If I owned Grey's Anatomy I probably would have followed Patrick to Scotland to watch him run around in a kilt. He's there right now, wearing a kilt for his new movie. No I don't have pictures.**

**Sorry I didn't update yesterday. I ended up spending most of my night talking to my best friend on the phone as she currently doesn't have the net. And phone talking and updating don't go well together. But I'm updating now and I think you're all really going to like this one. I know I really like it at least. **

**Enjoy!**

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"So Cristina is impossible to be around right now," Meredith sighed.

I looked over at her quickly, knowing that it had to be something that was bothering her, but instead I found her smiling. She had been doing that all night, I had been staring at her all night but she just kept smiling. She looked beautiful, she looked perfect. I had forgotten how much I loved that smile.

"Understandable," I nodded. "If I left you at the altar and disappeared you'd be more than impossible I'm sure."

"You wouldn't," she said quickly. "I mean…you're not that guy. You'd want to do the talking thing, communicating, sharing feelings, whatever. You definitely would talk."

"I didn't talk when I left Addison," I pointed out, and then immediately cringed. Bringing up the ex-wife that had come between us on the first date was definitely not a good idea. Not smooth at all, Shep.

"That was different," she shrugged. "She cheated and I…I'd never do that to you. I couldn't."

"Good," I nodded.

"Cristina," she frowned. "She's my person. And I'm supposed to help her but I…I have no idea what to do. I don't know how to handle her. She doesn't want to talk, she doesn't want to cry or she's just…it's bad, Der."

"Just be there, Mer," I suggested, squeezing her hand.

"How?"

"I don't know. Just be there, trying to talk and being there," I shrugged. "She's going to break eventually and she'll need you."

"I don't know how to pick up the pieces when someone else breaks," she whispered. "I'm used to being the one who needs picking up."

"You'll figure it out, Mer," I smiled.

"I will…I think, I can do this. I will," she nodded.

I stifled a yawn as we walked down the path together. I was tired, I had been up and cutting since six in the morning. And I hated hotels, I hated sleeping in hotels. I was definitely exhausted. But this was the perfect night. Supper had been perfect, and now walking around the harbor hand in hand, talking, it was perfect. This was everything I had planned on it being. If I yawned, she'd notice and then she'd want the date to end, and I wasn't ready to let go of her yet.

So no yawning.

Yawning was bad.

"And now Izzie is acting weird," she frowned and shivered slightly.

"Are you cold?" I asked.

"No," she shook her head quickly. Which well, this was Meredith, I knew Meredith, her saying no, and shaking her head like that, definitely cold. "Well...umm...maybe… a little."

"Here," I frowned, shrugging out of my suit coat and placing it gently around her shoulders. "You should have said something."

"I was fine, Der," she smiled. And yet she pulled my jacket tighter around her and breathed deeply. "It smells like you."

"Is that a good thing," I asked, taking her hand again.

"Yeah…yeah it is," she nodded.

"So Izzie, weird," I urged. Because this was different. Her talking to me about Lexie was one thing, I had her best connection to Lexie as the intern had decided to attach herself to me. But this, this was her friends, the people she actually loved and cared about. This was good.

"Yeah," she nodded, frowning slightly. "I don't…I have no idea what's going on. She's just quiet…and un-Izzie like. She's more…she's like me or something. All dark and twisty. And I don't know."

"Have you tried talking to her?"

"Yeah but…she's me, Der. She's not talking, people who are dark and twisty like me don't talk," she frowned more. Which seemed wrong, she should not be frowning on this wonderfully perfect first date.

"You're doing amazingly well at the talking thing," I grinned.

"I'm trying," she nodded. "You and…I'm trying. But Izzie is…she's not being very Izzie like."

"I'm sure she'll snap out of it," I nodded. "Or she'll at least start talking."

"I hope so," she sighed, resting her had against my shoulder as we continued to walk. "I feel…you and me, we're getting back on track. Things are…they're good. Really good. I mean, tonight…amazing. And this is good. But everyone else, everyone around me, it's all falling apart."

"I wish I could do something," I sighed.

"You did," she nodded. "You're here and you're being…you're being you. It's something."

"Good," I smiled, as we stopped walking, looking over the water. I pulled her around to look at me. She had that smile on her face. Even though she was worried about her friends she was smiling at me. Really smiling.

I leaned forward and prayed to god I wouldn't be met with her pulling away.

And I yawned.

And not a tiny, maybe I was a little tired yawn. No. Inches from her face I fully yawned, jaw wide open and completely exhausted yawn.

"You're tired," Meredith frowned, pulling away from me slightly as she brushed a wayward curl off my forehead.

"I'm not tired," I shook my head quickly.

"Derek, that was definitely a tired yawn," she giggled. "You should have said something."

"I was having too good of time to say something," I admitted.

"I'm having a good time too," she grinned. "But we'll…I mean, we can do this again, right? That was the plan and I…"

"That is definitely the plan," I cut her off.

"Good," she nodded. "Now you, you have to get home. Or well, hotel. Sleep, you need sleep."

"Easier said than done at the hotel," I groaned, but turned and led her towards the car.

We drove back to her place in silence, she had gotten over the picking on me about the music thing on the way to the restaurant. So this time it was silence. She looked tired too, leaning against the back of her chair, smiling contently. Dating was hard when you worked our hours, but after tonight, it was definitely worth it. Even when we were back to us, even when we became a couple again, there was no way this dating thing was going to stop.

Even if the exhaustion killed both of us.

"Derek, you don't have to see me to the door," Meredith shook her head, as I moved to get out of the car.

"Yes, I do," I nodded. "Dates generally end with the guy seeing the girl to the door."

"Dates don't generally end with the guy looking about ready to pass out," she giggled.

"Be that as it may, I'm walking my lady to the door."

"Your lady?"

"My lady," I nodded, grabbing her hand and leading her to the door.

And now came the awkward bit of the night.

Because earlier before the really awfully timed yawn, there had definitely been an almost kiss. It had been in the moment, and it would have been perfect. I had definitely wanted it, she had definitely wanted it. But now, now it was the end of the date and usually it came with a kiss. Except for this first date broke all date rules that I had ever heard of.

"Dates generally end with a good night kiss," I said, rather lamely as I looked at the ground instead of her face.

"Do they?" she smiled slyly.

"They do," I nodded. "But this is…it's complicated. And better but still pretty messy. So if you don't want to, I'd understand, its okay. We don't have to.

"Derek? Do you…do you want to kiss me?" she whispered, squeezing my hand.

"I'd like that, yes," I nodded.

"I'd like it too," she said quietly.

I smiled and leaned forward, trying to ignore my heart thudding in my chest. This was Meredith, my Meredith, the woman that I had kissed hundreds of times before. And yet somehow this felt like the first kiss.

Our lips met gently, softly exploring each other's mouths as if we didn't already know them by heart. It was quick, as a first kiss should be.

And as I pulled away my heart was still thundering.

"I have a great time, Der," she smiled up at me. "Thanks."

"You're welcome," I nodded, brushing some hair behind her ear, smiling at her flushed face. I probably looked the same, like a big happy idiot who had just had the best kiss of his life. "I had a great time too."

"See you tomorrow?" she asked.

"Of course," I smiled, leaning over and kissing her again quickly. "Bye Meredith."

"Bye Derek."

_My head's in the clouds_

_I am in bliss,_

_Gently you touch me, we unite with a kiss._

**First, I have no idea what the song I used is but I found the lyric online and it just summed up this chapter for me. So yes...and I don't have much to say. That was the end of their date. Walking together and talking about stuff that matters to Meredith, Derek trying to give her advice. Remember when they used to talk like that on the show? Oh those were the good old days. Sigh. And then they kissed, and Derek was nervous and it was a first kiss, even though it really wasn't. Can I sigh again? And I want to give you a heads up...I'm not Shonda. They were now dating again but I'm not going to do a whole "Let's be happy and ignore all our problems so they can just blow up in our face when Derek is looking hot in a tux". Sorry not my style. There will be bumps and stuff and problems and issues but it will all be good. **

**And I'll probably hopefully update later tonight. **

**Read. Love. Review.**


	18. Chapter 18

**Disclaimer: If I owned Grey's Anatomy I'd be rich. And shopping a lot. And I'd have a lot of clothes and a very large closet. And lots and lots of shoes and purses and…okay, I really wish I owned it.**

**Sorry this didn't get up last night, spent it talking to my best friend on the phone again. And then I had some writer's block as this update is kind of filler but kind of not. But it is finally here. And I think it's a good one, cute at least.**

**Enjoy!**

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"Morning Miranda," I smiled at her, stepping onto the elevator early the next morning, a tray of two coffees in one hand, the permanent smile from the night before still on my face.

"It's too early to look that damn happy, Shepherd," Bailey groaned.

"Sorry," I shrugged, laughing softly. "I would try to bring it down a notch, but I think that might be impossible."

"What's gotten into you?" she asked, frowning.

"Life is good," I shrugged. She didn't want details, she didn't want me to tell her how madly in love I was with her former intern, or how completely perfect the date the night before had been. She definitely didn't want to know that I had spent most of my night wide awake and smiling at the memory of Meredith's lips against mine and her small hand in my own.

God, I felt like some sap on a romantic comedy.

"You have to spend your day cutting into brains, and life is good?" Bailey sneered.

"Yep," I nodded, just as two more people squeezed onto the elevator just as the doors were closing.

The most beautiful pair of green eyes met mine and I felt the smile spread further across my face, not that I had even known that was possible at this point. But apparently it was, because I stood staring at her, smiling more than I had a second before. She looked happy. She looked relaxed and well rested and definitely happy.

"Morning Miranda," I heard Mark, the other person who squeezed onto the elevator, say to Bailey. "Hey Shep."

"You're just as stupid as him," Bailey rolled her eyes.

Usually I would have said something back, usually I would have defended myself and protested. Usually I would have called Mark an idiot. But usually I wasn't realizing that Meredith had tiny gold flecks amongst the green of her eyes and they were captivating.

Okay, that was a lie. I had noticed them months before but everything was feeling new.

"Hi," I breathed to her.

"Hey," she smiled, the one that involved biting her lip and looking up at me.

"I brought you coffee," I smiled, pushing the tray in front of her.

"Thanks," she grinned, grabbing one and still looking at me as if we were in our own world, the elevator around us disappearing.

"What's with them?" Bailey asked Mark.

Okay, maybe it hadn't entirely disappeared.

"They went on a date last night," Mark answered. I hadn't told him that, but Meredith must have. Mark must have called Meredith on the gorgeous smile that was spread across her face today, the very un-Meredith-like smile. Of course if he had called it gorgeous I'd have to kick his ass but those were details, and right now I just didn't care.

"So?" Bailey questioned. "It's a date. They're a couple, last time I checked."

"Then you haven't checked recently enough," Mark laughed.

"Sloan, what the hell are you talking about?" Bailey sighed.

A small part of me thought about speaking up at this point, the part that was still a sane neurosurgeon felt the need to protest and protect what Meredith and I had done. Because it's what we had needed to do. But the bigger part of me, the one that was madly head over heals in love with the woman standing in front of me, was to enraptured by her eyes and smile to actually think of anything to say.

"They broke up," Mark answered. "Actually I have no idea what it was. Something about a break, I never actually understood it. I know he was sad, and that they were supposed to be working at things."

"And now they're staring at each other like idiots," Bailey groaned.

"Yes," Mark nodded. At least I assumed he nodded, I was still smiling at Meredith. "They went on a date last night."

The smile on Meredith's face grew wider at the word date.

"And I'm assuming it went well," Bailey sighed, obviously now talking to Meredith and I.

"It went well," I nodded.

"Very well," Meredith giggled.

Bailey said something else to Mark but I wasn't sure what it was, because somehow Meredith's hand had found its way to my own. Or maybe my hand had found my way to hers. I wasn't sure, and I didn't care. This was weird. I was in love with her, I had been in love with her over a year now, there was no reason it should feel like this. I had that feeling you were supposed to have at the beginning of a relationship, not in the middle of one. I felt like I was falling in love all over again.

"You two fools aren't working together today, are you?" Bailey asked, as the elevator came to a stop.

"No," I frowned, squeezing Meredith's hand.

"Good," she nodded. "God knows we don't need you two killing anyone."

She ambled off leaving Meredith and I frowning and of course Mark laughing at us. That was definitely the Mark I had grown up with, laughing at my issues. That's what he always did.

"Der?" Meredith asked, not moving away from us.

"Yeah?" I smiled, squeezing her hand that still rested in mine.

"My friends…ummm…Alex and I were talking and to cheer people up and stuff, we're having a movie night. It's lame, I know, but you can…I mean if you want, you can come. Tonight."

Meredith was inviting me to hang out with her friends. She had never invited me to hang out with her friends. We had always been like two separate entities, the only times we had mixed were runs in the morning, but never hanging out. It had been one of the many aspects of Meredith's life I had never felt welcome in. But she was inviting me, to a lame movie night with her friends that were from all accounts miserable.

"I'd love to," I smiled.

"Good, that's really good," she smiled, looking quickly at Mark. "You can come to if you want."

"Thanks for thinking of me," Mark rolled his eyes and then looked at me. "What do you think Shep?

"She invited you," I shrugged. "And I have no problem with you being there."

"So I'll see you both tonight?" Meredith asked, biting her bottom lip. God, she was hot when she did that.

"You will," Mark nodded.

"Okay," Meredith nodded. "And now I have to go, I have…surgery, and I have to go."

"I'll see you later," I smiled.

"Yep," she smiled back, as our eyes met and held again. This was definitely entirely new, the whole looking at each other and the rest of the world falling away. I loved it. Though Bailey had a point, it might cause problems scrubbing in together. "Lunch?"

"Meet me in my office," I nodded.

"Okay," she grinned. "See you."

I watched as she walked away, a bounce in her step that had always made me smile when I had first met her and had disappeared in recent months. It was back.

"Man, that was lame," Mark laughed, slapping me on my back.

"What?" I frowned.

"You didn't even kiss her goodbye," he shook his head. "You two did the whole pre-kiss staring thing and then you didn't even kiss her goodbye."

"Do you think she wanted a kiss?"

"She definitely wanted a kiss," Mark laughed.

"I'm an idiot," I groaned.

"You said it, not me," Mark chuckled, slapping me on the back one more time before walking away.

Okay, so I had missed out on a kiss. But she wanted it, and that was enough. She wanted me to kiss her. And I was going to hang out with her friends tonight. I could definitely make it up to her tonight.

Or maybe even earlier.

_Do you know that every time you're near_

_Everybody else seems far away_

**So there's nothing to say. Okay...well...they're falling madly in love with each other all over again. And everything is feeling completely new because it really is. The first time was sex. The second time was...okay, I have no idea what the fuck it was. But this time they're really building something and working towards each other. This time they're really letting themselves feel everything that is going on. And Derek, he's completely happy and completely in awe of what he's feeling. So it's all cute and fluffy. Oh and Meredith is even letting him further in, asking him to spend time with her friends, because that's NEVER happened on the show and I think it's really important for them as a couple. So yep. **

**And chances are very likely that I'll update this again tonight. **

**Read. Love. Review.**


	19. Chapter 19

**Disclaimer: If I owned Grey's Anatomy I probably would have found someone by now to tape Isaiah Washington's mouth shut as I'm sick of hearing from him. (note to IW supporters: yeah…he's annoying me, I make no apologies for it)**

**Sorry I didn't get this up yesterday, I got busy doing other things and yeah, just didn't get it done. But it's done and now being posted. And yes, I see no reason you wouldn't like this one.**

**Enjoy!**

**GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA**

I hadn't kissed her.

That had been stupid. Of all the stupid things I had done recently I was definitely getting the feeling that not kissing her had topped it all. I had no idea how I had missed that she wanted a kiss. It was my Meredith and Mark had noticed. Mark had noticed and I had been too caught up in how amazingly happy her eyes had looked.

She probably would have been a lot happier had I kissed her.

I would have been a lot happier had I kissed her.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

The word was on like repeat in my head. And it wasn't even in my voice, it was Mark's. Over and over in my head, Mark was calling me stupid. It was definitely the last thing I needed.

Especially since he was damn right.

I hadn't kissed her.

And then I had to cancel our very informal lunch date when my surgery had ran over. Not that she didn't understand that, I knew she did, but I still hated doing it to her. We were restarting, we were working on things. And hell, I really wanted to kiss her again. Blowing her off at lunch hadn't been part of that plan.

Sometimes I swore to god that my life sucked.

Giggling.

That was definitely her giggle. It came in useful so many times to have a girlfriend with the world's most distinct giggle. Although in all fairness I was probably the only one that had ever found it that distinct.

"Hey," she sighed, coming up beside me at the nurse's station as she said goodbye to George.

"Hey," I smiled, looking up from the chart. "I miss you at lunch."

"That was food you missed, Der, not me," she giggled, her arm softly brushing mine as she reached forward to grab a chart.

"Nope," I shook my head. "It was definitely you."

"I missed you too," she nodded, rolling her eyes slightly.

I turned and looked at her, happy to see that newly perpetual smile still on her face. She looked adorable. Most guys wanted their girlfriends to look sexy or hot or beautiful, I just wanted adorable. Because when she smiled like that, her eyes bright and her nose ever so slightly squished up, she was her happiest. And it just happened to be adorable

"Meredith…"I breathed.

"Der?" she asked, frowning slightly, also adorable.

This was…

"Come on," I nodded, grabbing her hand and dragging her down the hallway. Not an on call room, on call rooms led to sex and we were definitely not going down that path yet. But I needed her, alone. Exam rooms were an option but it was hard to guarantee privacy and for us they led to sex too. Closet, we could use a closet to disappear from the world for a minute.

"Derek, what are you doing?" she asked, as I pulled her into the closest one and shut the door.

"Earlier…earlier you were staring at me," I whispered. Not as smooth of opening as I hoped but I was working on my gut here, there was only so much she could expect.

"Yes," she nodded, looking confused. "You were staring too. And happy, we're happy and the date and I thought…the staring was good."

"It was," I nodded quickly, smiling and brushing a hand along her cheek. "Mark…he, he's an idiot most of the time so he's probably completely wrong and I'm sorry if I'm making an ass of myself. Which I am, definitely. But he thought… he said you wanted to be kissed. And I…Mer, we just started dating, not even dating, we went on a date. A completely perfect date…"

"Der, you're sounding like me," she cut me off giggling slightly.

"I know," I groaned. "I've been rambling in my head for weeks now, it was bound to start coming out of my mouth."

"It's cute," she smiled, her hand grabbing mine. "Anyway…you were rambling about kissing."

"Yes… I…did you?"

"Well…umm…maybe, yeah, kind of," she whispered.

"Oh…" I nodded. Mark was right. As badly as I wanted to kiss her, I hadn't wanted Mark to be right. He was definitely not supposed to notice something like that when I missed. "I could…now, I could make it up to you."

"You could," she nodded, a grin spreading across her face.

I could.

I leaned forward slowly and felt her soft breath tickle my lips. This was slow, the build up, it was slow. I had never taken the time to watch her eyes widen before as I moved to kiss her, or feel her breath tickle my lips. Usually we just grabbed each other hard, desperate for a kiss. But this was completely entirely different.

Our lips met gently, my hands moving to the side of her face to stroke her cheeks as my mouth explored hers. She tasted like her, like she always had. Her lips felt the same as they always had against mine. Her body fit mine just like it always had.

But this time around everything felt completely different.

It felt like coming home.

I had not just thought that, there was no way that cheesy of thought had crossed my mind. I…no. I was a cheesy guy sometimes, I knew that. Mark had made sure for years that I had known that. And since this trying again with Meredith thing I knew I had gotten worse, I knew I pushed limits but there was no way that thought had crossed my mind. That wasn't just cheesy, that was….I was never saying that to Meredith.

Her tongue pressed against my lips and I quickly gave her entrance, surprised to find her pushing for me, to feel her pull me closer. The kiss wasn't gentle anymore, the kiss was desperate and searching and hot.

And my pants were feeling tighter.

"Meredith…" I panted, pulling back slightly. "We…slow. We need to slow down."

"Yes…yes," she nodded, breathing hard as well. "We…starting over and that was not slow and not starting over. That was…hot."

"Very…hot," I smiled in agreement.

"I should...go…yes, go," she grinned, kissing me again quickly. "The kiss…it was…wow."

"Yeah…I know."

"Okay…going…now."

"I'll see you tonight," I grinned.

"You will," she smiled before disappearing out the door.

My lips were tingly and my body felt a little shaky and I definitely couldn't leave this closet for a few minutes without being mocked forever. But that kiss…it had been something else.

But there's something 'bout you

I can't keep away

Just can't keep away

**So this update was Derek in my heads idea honestly. I was just going right to movie night but no, Derek in my head was pissed he didn't get his kiss, so he insisted on this update. So here it is. And there's nothing to say about it. He was hating that he missed the kiss, he saw her and pulled her into privacy and proceeded to kiss her. It got a little hotter than it should have because they are them. **

**And I'll update this evening at some point. Hopefully twice. **

**Read. Love. Review.**


	20. Chapter 20

**Disclaimer: I am wearing a pretty dress, my hair is done nicely and I look hot. As I'm headed to work soon. If I owned Grey's work would be Grey's and if I looked this hot, Patrick Dempsey would be all over me.**

**Sorry this took a bit…it's long and it actually took research and stuff to bring it all together. Well not research but show watching. So yeah, it took a bit but it's here now. And I do believe it turned out quite well.**

**Enjoy!**

**GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA**

My heart was thudding in my chest.

Because this first was an actual first first, not a kind of first.

Our first date had been done before, even if it had just been an impromptu and unexpected breakfast together. Our first kiss had been done before, in a drunken lust-filled moment, but it had happened. We had been through every first imaginable and some ones that no one would have guessed, such as first time my secret wife showed up. Not that we'd be repeating that one.

But this first…this really was the first time I had come over to hang out with her friends.

"Knocking on the door is usually the next step, Shep," Mark's voice came from behind me.

I tore my eyes away from Meredith's door; that I certainly had not been staring at and looked at my friend, or best friend, or enemy, whatever he was at this point. "What are you doing here?"

"Your girlfriend invited me," he smirked. "Or whatever she is. And you gave me the address. Don't tell me the nerves are affecting your memory."

"I'm not nervous," I shook my head quickly.

"Sure you're not," he laughed, reaching around my frozen form to ring the door bell.

"Hey guys," Meredith said a little breathlessly, opening the door. She was wearing my shirt, well not my shirt but that Dartmouth shirt that I loved so much. With a pair of sweatpants that had me begging silently for her to turn around. Instead she leaned forward and pressed a soft kiss on my cheek. "Did you come together?"

"No, I found him frozen on your doorstep," Mark laughed.

"I wasn't frozen," I protested quickly.

"Sure you weren't," Meredith giggled and then gestured with her head towards her living room. "Everyone's already in there and I've been sent to get beers in the kitchen. You both want one?"

"Sure," I smiled as Mark nodded. "Need help?"

"Nope, I've got this," she grinned. "Go grab a spot."

And then I got my wish as she turned around and headed towards the kitchen. Just as I expected, the pants hugged her ass perfectly. Hell, she was hot.

"Nice ass," Mark commented quiet enough so only I could hear as we headed towards the living room.

"Ever say that again and I will kill you," I warned. "But yes, nice ass."

"Hi Dr. Shepherd," George said from his spot on the couch. "Hi Dr. Sloan."

"Derek, tonight George," I smiled, falling onto the opposite side of the couch beside Cristina as Mark parked himself on the floor. "What are we watching?"

"No idea," Izzie shook her head. "We still haven't agreed on anything besides beer and pizza later."

"Pizza sounds good," Mark nodded.

"What are you two doing here anyway?" Cristina groaned. "I though this was some friends cheer up session or something lame like that. You are not friends."

"I'm a friend," I frowned. "I'm Meredith's…something. And Mark…okay, I don't know what he's doing here."

"I invited him because he's Derek's friend," Meredith said, walking into the room and putting the beer bottles on the table. "Cristina, scoot."

"Why should I scoot? Just sit on the floor or something?" Cristina sighed.

"Just move over so I can sit with Der," Meredith smiled at me, forcing herself in between her friend and me. "What are we watching?"

"Apparently we still don't know," Alex rolled his eyes from his spot perched in a chair.

"How do we not know?" Meredith frowned.

"I want to watch a romantic comedy. Cristina refuses to watch a romantic comedy. Alex wants to watch some stupid movie with explosions. We have no idea what George wants to watch as he's barely said a word since he sat down. And Derek and Mark just came in so we don't know…" Izzie said and then paused, turning to Mark. "Is it okay if I call you Mark?"

"If he's Derek tonight, that would make me Mark," Mark nodded.

"This is weird," Cristina sighed from Meredith's other side. "Two attendings being here, definitely weird."

"Get used to it," Meredith shrugged. "Derek is my…well eventually he'll be my boyfriend. And Mark is his…well I assume eventually going to be best friend. They have every right to be here for movie night."

"He was never here before," Cristina pointed out.

"I know," Meredith nodded. Her hand had found mine and I could feel it tighten against my grip and her body fill with tension. This fight didn't need to be had right now. "And that was part of the problem."

"Now would be a good time to decide what to watch," Mark cut in. This was one of the very rare times I found myself grateful that Mark was in my life.

"Good idea, Sloan," Alex nodded.

"So…ummm…what are we watching?" Meredith asked frowning.

"I'm still not watching a romantic comedy," Cristina shook her head.

"Fine," Meredith nodded. "Why don't we just throw on the television and see what's on?"  
"Good idea, Mer," I smiled, reaching forward and grabbing the remote.

"Why does he get the remote?" Cristina frowned.

"I'm the man of the house," I shrugged, smiling at Meredith as she giggled.

"Shouldn't I be the man of the house?" Alex asked. "I'm the man that actually lives here."

"And it's Mer's house," I grinned. "And I'm the one dating her."

"But you don't live here," Cristina argued.

"He will one day," Meredith shrugged, her hand winding it's way into my own as I flipped on the tv. "At least he basically will again."

"And that means he gets the remote now?" George asked, frowning slightly.

"It just doesn't seem very fair," Izzie sighed. "He's new to movie night, why does he get the remote?"

"Well…ummm…" Meredith said awkwardly.

I opened my mouth to help her out but was surprised to hear Mark speak up instead. "Wow, talk about crappy friends. Meredith and Derek are trying this thing again. Give them a break and let him use the stupid remote."

"It's just…" Cristina started.

"It's just nothing," Mark shook his head. "And what the hell is this?"

And for the second time that night I was grateful to have Mark Sloan with me. That was weird. He hadn't only defended me and Meredith, but he had squeezed in a subject change as well. When he put his mind to it he actually was a really great friend.

"It's kind of creepy," Meredith murmured, squeezing my hand a little tighter as she watched the eerily empty hallway of an obviously abandoned building. "What is it, Der?"

"Ummm…" I sighed, hitting the information button on her remote. "Supernatural."

"I've never heard of this," Izzie frowned.

"The episode is called Asylum…if these walls could talk. The brothers investigate a long shuttered mental asylum that has the power to drive intruders mad and murderous," I read. "Staring Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki."

"Oooh…" Meredith grinned, snuggling further against me. "We're watching this. I love Jensen."

"You do?" I frowned.

"Who is he?" Izzie asked.

"Remember that movie we watched a few weeks ago about Marilyn Monroe? Patrick Dempsey was on it. Jensen was the other guy," Meredith grinned. "Complete man candy."

"Oh yeah," Izzie nodded. "Definitely cute, not Patrick Dempsey of course but not bad."

'"Not bad at all," Meredith sighed.

"Excuse me," I cleared my throat, squeezing her tight to me. "Kind of boyfriend, sitting right here."

"Don't worry, Der, you'll always be my number one," she giggled, kissing my cheek quickly.

"So these cops are going to go insane?" Mark asked from his spot on the floor as two police officers entered the premises.

"Apparently," I nodded, running my fingers through Meredith's hair.

"Why would those kids even think of going in there?" George frowned when the one officer found some kids hiding in a corner.

"For fun O'Malley," Alex laughed.

"That one cop is definitely messed up," Cristina laughed.

This felt weird, nice but a little weird. I hadn't done this before, of all the times I had sat curled up with Meredith on this couch, it had never been with her friends surrounding us. I was their boss. And they were her friends. Cristina was right, this was definitely weird. Weird in an entirely perfect way. Because here I was, holding Meredith in my arms, finally finding a place in her life.

"There he is," Meredith suddenly squealed from her spot in my arms as the screen filled with two youngish looking guys sitting in a hotel room.

"He's a pretty boy, Mer," Cristina groaned.

"He is not," Meredith protested, giggling ever so slightly. "Look at the hair, and the eyes. I don't know if they'll show him close up but I've seen pictures, he has amazing freckles. It's just….he's…man candy."

"Man candy?" I frowned at her. This was not my Meredith, giggling and oogling over another man. Of course I had never actually seen her interact with anyone much but me. Maybe this was my Meredith.

It was cute.

"Don't you think he's hot, Der?" she giggled.

"Very hot," I nodded, happy to hear Meredith giggle with delight at my answer as she moved even closer to me.

Yep, this was definitely the dictionary's definition of perfect.

"Sneaky bastards," Mark laughed as the two brothers pulled a fast one on the cop that hadn't gone crazy and killed himself and his wife. "Shep, that reminds me of us when we were younger."

"Sadly, you're right," I sighed. "But those aren't stories Meredith needs to hear right now."

"What? I want to hear the stories?" she pouted at me.

"No," I shook my head quickly. "Watch your show."

"But stories…" she frowned.

"Another time, Mer," I smiled, kissing her cheek quickly. "Promise."

"Good," she nodded, before her attention turned back to her show.

Meredith tensed slightly in my arms as the two brothers began to explore the asylum, which even I would admit was a tad bit creepy. It was dark and dreary and I wasn't quite sure why any sane person would submit themselves to walking in there. Maybe the brothers weren't sane. But this was working out well for me. We had never watched a scary movie together before, or any movie for that matter. This Meredith cuddling into my arms for protection from the creepy house thing was working.

"This is cool," Alex grinned. "They're like ghostbusters, but without the lame outfits."

"This is creepy," Izzie frowned. "Can't we find something else?"

"No, this is good," Cristina shook her head. "So they're dad is missing but he's sending them text messages? Why don't they just GPS him?"

"You heard what they said," Meredith sighed. "They don't want the FBI or anything on his tail."

"But they have all these other gizmos, you'd think they'd find some way to find the guy," Cristina argued.

"More interesting this way," Meredith nodded, still completely transfixed to the screen. "And we're definitely leaving this on."

"She's the boss," Mark laughed.

"If you ever take me to a creepy place like this on a date it will be our last one," Meredith threatened a few minutes later.

"Duly noted," I nodded, laughing softly.

Silence fell over everyone as the two apparently stupid teenagers explored the house, the guy eventually breaking off by himself when the girl was too afraid to go further. Who was stupid enough to explore a haunted place alone, I wasn't quite sure. But Meredith was definitely enjoying this, the nerves in her body was causing her to tense ever so slightly and lean further into me.

"Dude, that's creepy," Alex shuddered as the guy discovered he was kissing some ghost instead of his girlfriend.

"It is," Meredith breathed, her hand clenching my thigh ever so slightly.

Silence returned as the heroes started exploring. I had no idea exactly what was happening, or more accurately why it was happening. Exactly what would bring two sane young guys into an apparently haunted house I wasn't sure and it all seemed a little absurd, but Meredith was enjoying it. She had her cute concentrating look, I had only seen it before in surgery but it was adorable to watch in entirety and be able to enjoy it. She looked so serious. And cute. And maybe just a little scared.

"Woah!" Meredith jumped slightly, as a spirit appeared on the screen, it's head spinning ever so slightly.

Okay, definitely more than a little scared.

She jumped again as another spirit appeared in front of the guy my kind of girlfriend wasn't in love with.

Definitely scared.

Why had I not thought of a scary movie before now? She was basically clinging to me, nearly on top of me. She looked terrified and desperate for someone to keep her safe. This was definitely a good idea.

"God, now they have to drag that girl around with them," Mark groaned. "She's definitely going to cause problems."

"What the hell do you say that for?" Cristina groaned.

"Dragging a chick around with you always cause problems," Mark laughed.

"Watch your mouth, Sloan," Cristina warned. "I'm pretty sure the world would consider it a favor to society."

"Shut up, Yang," Mark sighed, a wide smile on his face.

I knew that smile but I was definitely going to ignore it.

"And of course the other brother found the guy," Alex rolled his eyes.

I laughed softly and was met buy an elbow in my stomach. "Shut up. His name is Sam and just…shut up," Meredith hissed.

"Shutting up," Derek grinned.

"Ahh!" Meredith jumped a few minutes later as some weird hand grabbed the girls arm. And somehow in the jump she ended up basically on my lap.

A scary movie was definitely a good idea.

Or well a scary tv show.

She eased into my arms slightly before tensing again as some freaky spirit appeared in front of the girl. This was amazing. When she had asked me to come over I had expected a night of tension and awkwardness. Instead I ended up with my kind of girlfriend sitting on my lap, clinging to me like I was the only thing standing between her and the creepy things on the screen.

Supernatural should advertise itself as a way for guys to get some action.

Not that I was getting any action tonight, but normal guys with normal relationships could definitely get some action out of this. I was just happy to have Meredith sitting in my arms.

"Why do they keep splitting up?" George asked. "Wouldn't it make more sense to actually stick together?"

"Yes," Alex nodded. "But more drama this way."

We settled back into silence as the two brothers went their separate ways.

"That is most definitely not Dean on the phone," Meredith frowned.

"Yeah, isn't he in that room? That was definitely not the basement," Izzie nodded.

"So the house can call them?" Meredith breathed.

"Apparently," I nodded, running my fingers through her hair.

"Love that it's the chick that can use the gun," Cristina smirked.

"Good idea Sam. Go in the door marked caution," I chuckled, ignoring Meredith as she hit me gently.

"Dude…what the hell is that?" Alex asked as some strange ghost attacked Sam, much like I would have predicted had Meredith not hit me into silence.

"Scary," Meredith mumbled from where her head was now hidden against my chest.

"Sam has apparently been driven mad and murderous," Cristina observed as the brothers met back up and Sam was definitely acting odd.

"That sucks," Meredith frowned.

"Brothers fighting," Mark laughed. "This I can relate to."

"Definitely," I nodded.

"Can you guys relate to the shooting thing?" Izzie laughed.

"No, can't say we can," I shook my head.

We watched the rest of the episode in silence, well almost silence. Meredith was having small problems not talking to the television and squealing at the grosser bits. And it was adorable. But besides that we sat in silence as Meredith's good looking hero saved the day. Even after just one episode I got the impression that this was a recurring conclusion on the show.

And from the look on Meredith's face I didn't think it would be the last episode I saw.

"Derek?" Meredith mumbled as the credits rolled and her friends took off in different direction with nods of goodbye, leaving Cristina, Mark, myself and Meredith alone in the living room.

"Yeah, Mer?" I asked, running my fingers through her hair, smiling at the fact she still remained on my lap.

"I…umm….that was…I don't think I want to go upstairs alone," she said, quietly.

"Alex and Izzie are up there," I pointed out, ignoring the voice that was screaming things about carrying her upstairs and protecting her and making her forget about the nervousness with sex.

"I know…it's just…" she sighed, not meeting my eyes. "Starting over and slow and I don't want sex. Well I do but not now and I just…could you stay here tonight? With me? I mean…no sex, or kissing or anything, just in my bed."

"That sounds like a boring night," Mark laughed.

"It sounds perfect," I sighed, ignoring the man who had just lost a point on the happy to have him as a friend scale. "Of course I'll stay."

"But who will protect me in bed?" Mark frowned.

"Sorry, you're on your own," I laughed.

"How about you, Yang? Need a strong man to protect you?" Mark winked at Cristina.

Wonderful, my best friend hitting on Meredith's best friend.

"If you even think about going near my bed you'll be the one that needs protecting," Cristina laughed, grabbing the motorcycle helmet from the floor. "And that's my cue to leave so I will see you guys later."

"Bye Cristina! Bye Mark!" Meredith smiled, kicking Mark out with not so many words as she grabbed my hand and led me up the stairs as the other two let themselves out.

And it was now official, Supernatural show advertise itself as a way for guys to get lucky, in every sense of the word.

I had come tonight happy to be given a chance to be allowed into Meredith's circle of friends. And somehow I had ended up being allowed into her bed. Our bed. Or at least once had once felt like our bed. I had nothing to wear to bed besides what I had on and it wouldn't be comfortable, but sleeping with Meredith in my arms would make up for that.

"I think I have a tshirt of yours somewhere," she smiled as we reached her room. "Ummmm….here."

"Thanks," I grinned as she grabbed her own pajamas and disappeared into her washroom.

Grinning felt damn good. Being in this room again felt damn good. I had expected it to happen again sometime but definitely not this soon. Not anywhere near this soon. The room smelled like her, like it always had, and it looked like her in the most odd way. It was all the same.

And yet it felt different.

We felt different.

Really, amazingly, perfectly, different.

"So umm….this is awkward," she sighed, coming back into the room. "I…I just…that show was kind of freaky and dark…alone…I just can't do it tonight. So umm…sorry."

"Sorry?" I frowned. "This is perfect."

She smiled slightly and climbed into what has always been her side of the bed. I climbed into mine. Mine. I wasn't kicking Cristina out. Izzie wasn't banging on the door. Tonight this spot in her bed was just purely and completely mine. Mine.

"Good night, Der," she whispered, flipping off the light.

I laid in the darkness, listening to her breathe beside me, painfully aware of the fact she definitely wasn't asleep. And I didn't know what to do. I didn't sleep on my back and sleeping with my back to her would be odd. I wanted to pull her in my arms, I wanted to hold her. God, I wanted to hold her. But was that even allowed? This was…she was right, it was awkward. I rolled over slowly, holding my breath as I slipped my arm gently around her waist.

My breath whooshed out as she nestled against me and pulled my arm ever so slightly tighter.

"Good night, Mer," I whispered, smiling at the feel of her back against my chest.

And suddenly, after nights of not being able to sleep in my hotel room bed, I felt my eyes droop close, and my body ease into sleep as the familiar smell of lavender and Meredith surrounded me.

_Now I'm banging on the door of an angel_

_The end of fear is where we begin_

_The moment we decided to let love in _

**So this update had one huge underlying theme…Meredith truly letting Derek in, in places he had never been allowed in before. For the first time she let him in with her very close knit friends and she even had one of his friends there. She's working on making him a huge part of her life, not just the guy she sexes up. And at the end, she even invited him into her bed because she didn't want to be alone. (which let me tell you, I didn't either after watching that episode of Supernatural). And even better, he's fighting for the spot, the whole remote fight, him fighting to be accepted by her friends as the main man in Meredith's life. And with Mark's help he won.**

**And I'll update tonight after work.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	21. Chapter 21

**Disclaimer: If I owned Grey's Anatomy Isaiah would be right, Patrick Dempsey would be late to set a lot. Because he'd be busy. With me.**

**Sorry this took a bit to get up. It was Canada Day here in Canada (which well where else would it be Canada Day?) so I had a party at my house to celebrate and then went out Sunday with friends and then again Monday. So I've been ever so busy and it left me ever so tired. So I owed you guys one…so here's half an update, lol. I cut this in half so I could at least get something up tonight.**

**Enjoy!**

**GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA**

I.

Hated.

Hotels.

I shifted on the bed as I stared at the television screen, watching CNN of all things. Because nothing else was on at six o'clock in the morning. I didn't have to work today, but the stupid internal clock that had been installed during my internship had woken me up at five. And I hadn't been able to fall back asleep on the cement slab the hotel I was staying at called a bed. I missed my king sized bed in the trailer.

I missed the queen sized bed in Meredith's room.

It had been a week since she had invited me to spend the night there and it had been agreed that it was just the one night for now.

But hell, I had slept well that night.

I closed my eyes and hoped to god sleep would come. I had nothing to do today, and I knew from experience that waking up this early with nothing to do led to a very long day. So sleep, I needed sleep.

My eyes popped open as I heard the key beep in the doorway. Which made absolutely no sense, I had only given one person a key…

And there she stood, looking nervous in my door way.

I really had to stop giving her keys.

"Hey," she smiled shyly, heading forward to join me on the bed. She looked good today, her hair falling in waves around her face, wearing the Dartmouth shirt I loved so much, and jeans that hugged her ass perfectly.

Okay, maybe I shouldn't stop giving her keys.

"Hey," I smiled, watching as she crawled onto bed and sat beside me. On her side. Or what would have been her side if we actually shared the bed.

"You're up early," she sighed, kicking off her shoes before climbing under the covers.

"Which apparently was a good idea as you're here early," I laughed.

"I woke up and couldn't fall back asleep," she shrugged. "I thought maybe you could help."

"I was just thinking the same thing," I smiled. "Do you want something more comfortable to wear?"

"Nope, I'm good," she sighed, settling closer to me.

"I'm good too," I smiled again, even though my head was spinning ever so slightly. Five minutes ago I had been lying in bed alone and thinking of Meredith and now she was curled up beside me. I wasn't one hundred percent sure how it had happened but hell, I'll take it. Lavender now filled the room, and her tiny warm body was pressed tightly against me. She was always warm, my own personal heater.

And definitely starting to feel like mine again.

My eyes were starting to drift close as she suddenly moved in my arm. "I can't stop thinking."

"Thinking does not equal sleeping," he groaned.

"You were up anyway when I got here, you don't get to moan about me keeping you up," she giggled.

"Okay, fine," I nodded, hugging her tighter. "What are you thinking about?"

"Susan."

Oh, serious thinking about real things. Not fun thinking about how good my ass looked in my pyjama pants, really thinking. But that was okay, I could take thinking. It meant communicating. Communicating was good.

"What about Susan?" I asked quietly.

"She was…she was a good fake mom. She was more of a mom than my mom actually ever was," Meredith whispered.

"She was a good fake mom," I agreed, wondering where she was going with this.

"I didn't get to say goodbye," she breathed. "She was okay, things seemed okay and then it all spiraled out of control. And then there was…well, that stuff happened. I never got to say goodbye. I never got to say thanks."

"She wasn't looking for your thanks, Mer," I said gently.

"I know," she nodded. "I just, I wanted to say goodbye. She was…she cared about me, Der. Me. The other daughter, the one that wasn't hers and yet she cared."

"She loved you, Mer," I whispered. "Lots of people love you."

"I know," she nodded, and something about the way she said it, the way she felt in my arms told me she was smiling. "She would have wanted me at the funeral…I think."

"She would have."

"Maybe…I was thinking and actually this is…I came over for this. Well yeah, the bed thing but actually because…they buried her, she has a grave and maybe…I should go see it, say goodbye. To the stone which is silly but it feels… I think I should do this."

"It's a good idea," I assured her, pressing a soft kiss on the back of her neck.

"And you should come with me," she said quickly.

Relief rushed through my body, and I hadn't even been aware I had been holding worry in. This was something Meredith could do alone, this would make sense for her to do alone. But she didn't want to. She wanted me there, without me offering, without me suggesting, she just wanted me to be there. To say goodbye to the one motherly figure that had shown her love. She didn't want to be alone anymore.

"I'll come with you," I nodded.

"You sure?" she said, worry suddenly in her voice. "I know I said, but you don't have to. You're not my boyfriend and you're busy and I know you have today off, but you probably have stuff. And you just…don't feel you have to; I don't want to…you just don't have to go."

"Mer…"I cut her off. "Rambling…adorable but not needed. I'm going."

"Okay," she nodded slowly. "Are you sure?"

"Yes. I'm sure. You want me there, I'm there," I sighed.

"Okay," she nodded, and I could tell the smile had returned to her face as I pulled her closer again.

"But first we sleep."

_You may need me there_

_To carry all your weight_

_But you're no burden I assure_

_You tide me over_

_With a warmth I'll not forget_

_But I can only give you love_

**So there isn't actually much to say. Derek was missing her and then she was there because she missed him too. And he keeps giving her extra keys because who else would he give them to? They try to sleep but she's too busy thinking and everything plays out from there. And yeah, Derek is really happy because she's now letting him in with out his urging. Which is good.**

**And I'll update tomorrow, hopefully in the morning.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	22. Chapter 22

**Disclaimer: If I owned Grey's Anatomy I would have made Patrick give me a massage yesterday when my back and shoulders were bugging me. I have no idea if he is good at them, but finding out sure would be fun.**

**Sorry this took a bit longer than I had planned to get up. It's pretty emotionally heavy so it just took longer to write than I had planned on. And then a character wanted to do something not planned so I had that to deal with and yes, here it is now. **

**Enjoy!**

**GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA**

Meredith's fingers laced in mine as we weaved around the gravestones. I hated graveyards, completely hated graveyards. Which was probably understandable considering my childhood but Meredith didn't know that about me yet. And she needed me here today, now was not the time to tell her about my own dark and twisty pass. That could wait.

I'd tell her soon.

Today she looked nervous. She had slept perfectly after our talk, curled up beside me, everything had seemed fine. The second she had opened her eyes the nerves had crept in and she clung desperately to my hand. It had just gotten worse the closer we go to the graveyard.

Not that I minded the hand clinging.

But still…her…this nervous, it wasn't good.

"Mer, it's going to be okay," I whispered as the stone that said Grey came into sight.

"Of course it is," she shrugged, looking at the ground. "It's just a grave, nothing bad or scary or it's nothing. Of course it's going to be okay, how could it not be okay?"

"I'm right here, Mer," I reminded her gently, squeezing her hand.

"I know," she smiled ever so slightly at me, and for a second the fear slipped out of her eyes, replaced by something entirely different, something I was beginning to realize was only for me.

"You can do this," I assured her.

"I can," she nodded as we stopped to stand in front of the grave.

Silence fell over us as we stared at the grave. This was wrong. Not that visiting a grave ever felt right but everything about this one felt wrong. She had been young, she had been full of life. She had been there for Meredith, my Meredith in ways that no one else ever had been. She had offered Meredith the family she had always deserved and never been given. Meredith had needed that, she had needed her. And now Susan was gone, buried underneath the ground.

Like my dad.

"Hi Susan," Meredith finally said quietly. "Well umm…I'm not crazy and I know you're not actually there. It's just your body. And you're…well you seem to be the type that believed in heaven so I guess you're there. With my mom…if she ended up there. But I thought, I missed the funeral and my life has been…crazy but I thought I should come say bye. I brought Derek too. I know you liked him."

"Hey Susan," I said, rather lamely as she sat down on the slightly damp ground and brought me with her.

"So umm…I'm sorry I missed the funeral, I thought…I thought you'd want me there but things happened and you don't have to worry, I'm fine. Just…and I'm here now. Saying goodbye and thanks. Thanks for trying to make me part of the family, no one has wanted me to be part of their family before. It meant…it meant a lot, Susan," she whispered.

Meredith sometimes said the most ridiculous things.

Susan was definitely not the only person who wanted Meredith to be part of their family. I wanted Meredith to be my family.

"So umm…bye," Meredith shrugged before leaning against me as I wrapped an arm around her.

"Feel better?" I asked quietly.

"No, not really," she sighed. "She was…I wanted more time, Der. I needed more time. She was…she tried so hard and I pushed her away. I wasted so much time and now she's gone."

"I know, Mer," I whispered, having no idea what else to say. Because she had a point, she had pushed Susan away, she had wasted time. But that wasn't something she could let haunt her forever. My Meredith had made mistakes, everyone did.

"I loved her," Meredith whispered. "I mean, I didn't know her well but she was…I might have loved her if…"

"Mer, no explaining to me," I shook my head.

"It's just…" Meredith sighed, as tears started to build up in her eyes. "I lose everyone eventually. No one…you probably come from the perfect family. Two perfect parents and a gaggle of kids. Me…I come from this. The only person who has ever treated me like family is dead."

"My dad died when I was seven," I heard myself blurt out.

"You…what?"

"When I was seven my dad was on his way to pick the six of us up at school. He never got there. Hours later my grandma came to get us and well yeah…I didn't have two perfect parents."

"Oh," she whispered quietly.

"My life…I had a family, I had that love in my life," I sighed, wondering exactly why I was admitting this all so quickly but it just poured out of me. I had always wanted to tell her this, to let her know this detail. And now I was and it felt good, it felt right. "But it was never easy. I turned into the man of my house when I was seven years old."

"I'm sorry, Der," she breathed, running a hand over my chest as she curled closer to me. "I had no idea."

"I don't talk about it much," I shrugged. "It's just…we both have dark and twisty parts, Mer. My life might have been easier than yours but it wasn't perfect."

"Dark and twisty," Meredith nodded, staring at the grave.

"Mer?"

"Yeah," she breathed.

"You have a family," I smiled. "It might not be traditional, but your friends, even Bailey, they are your family. They love you just the way family is supposed to."

"I know," Meredith nodded, from where her head now rested on my shoulder. "But it's…it's not the same."

I took a deep breath and contemplated the words that had popped into my mind earlier, about family. Because they were honest, because she needed to hear them. But somehow now felt to soon.

Soonish, it was good to say things soonish sometimes.

Besides Meredith was working on the not freaking out thing, which was good and maybe this would be good practice.

Yep, deep breath.

"And Susan isn't the only person that wants you to be part of her family," I said quickly, not looking her, staring off into the distance instead. "I want you to be part of mine. I want to make mine with you."

Silence.

Silence and removing her head from my shoulder. Definitely the exact reaction I had been expecting but not the one I had hoped for. I was an idiot. It was too soon, far too soon. Meredith was dark and twisty and we were going slow and fixing this mess that our lives together had become. Telling her I wanted a family with her was definitely honest, but it definitely wasn't slow.

I raised my head to meet her eyes and something inside me hitched when I found hope coming from the depths of her green eyes, instead of the fear I had expected.

"I love you," she whispered.

Breathe.

Breathe, Shepherd, breathe.

The love of my life, who was certainly not my girlfriend, had finally uttered the words I had been waiting months to hear. Months that had felt like entire lifetimes. She had looked at me and said the words, with no fear, with no doubt.

Breathe.

Because now was certainly not a good time to pass out.

"I love you too," I finally chocked out.

She smiled at me than, really honestly smiled and for a second nothing was wrong, we weren't sitting at the grave of the fake mommy she had lost far too early, and I hadn't just admitted to her my dark and twisty past. For the one moment nothing existed but the smiled.

And then the smile disappeared as she pressed her lips against mine.

"Let's get out of here," she sighed as she pulled away.

"Let's," I agreed, smiling like an idiot as I helped her off the ground and started to turn towards the car before suddenly stopping. "Mer, go ahead and I'll meet you in the car. I want a second alone with Susan."

"Okay," she nodded, looking at me strangely before walking away.

"Susan," I sighed, turning back to the grave. "I know you loved her, I know she called you fake mommy and that you saw her as a real daughter. And I know you probably want to kick your husband's ass for what he's done to her recently, hell you probably want to kick mine too. But I just want you to know, because I think you might be the person that cares the most…I love her. I really love her and I'm going to make up for all the crap that's happened to her. I'll protect her, I'll keep her happy, I'll give her everything you ever dreamed of her having. I can't promise bonding with her dad, because at the moment, it's beyond me but I do promise to give her a family. She'll be happy, Susan. I swear she will. And thanks…thanks for giving her a little peak into the world that she deserves so desperately. Thanks for loving her. And I hate that you died so soon, you had so much more you could have given to her. You had so much more to live for. And you would have made a really good fake mother in law."

I smiled sadly at the grave one last time and turned to head towards the car, where my Meredith was waiting for me.

_And when I hold you in my arms I promise you_

_You're gonna feel a love that's beautiful and new_

_This time I'll love you even better_

_Than I ever did before_

_And you'll be in my heart forever_

**Honestly, there's about 100 things I should and could say about this update, but I'll just say one. Meredith saying I love you was not planned to happen yet. It wasn't supposed to happen to much later. But I was writing this and Meredith in my head just kept yelling it, when he was talking about his dad she just shouted and shouted and shouted. And I've really let the character dictate where this fic has gone...as I think the problem with GA is Shonda stopped listening to the characters, so I figured, "Hell, I'll let Mer have this" and well Katie thought it was good timing and made sense. So it happened. And I have no idea what this means...or maybe I do and I'm just not saying. Heheheh. **

**Anyway, will update later today. **

**Read. Love. Review.**


	23. Chapter 23

**Disclaimer: The Grey's cast goes back to work on the 16****th****. If I owned the show I'd be uber excited to see them all again. And by all I mean Paddy. But whatever.**

**Filler! Yeah this update is complete total filler...and I hate filler. But I didn't feel I could get from the "I love you" to the next part without something in between, so filler it is. But it's Mark and Derek filler, who doesn't love Mark and Derek? **

**Enjoy!**

**GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA**

"She said what, Shep?" Mark asked, trailing behind me as I headed towards the elevator.

"She told me she loved me," I sighed.

I hadn't actually meant to tell Mark.

I hadn't meant to tell everyone. I had come to work fully planning on remaining in the happy bubble that the day before had left me in. Because Meredith had told me she loved me at what might have been the world's weirdest and most perfect timing, and I was really damn happy. And I really had meant to stay pretty quiet about it today. Because it was special and perfect and not something I was willing to share.

But then Mark had asked me what the stupid grin on my face was for.

And for no apparent reason, I couldn't not tell him.

"She told you she loves you," Mark said slowly, as if he couldn't process the words. Which I probably couldn't blame him for, as she had said the words to me nearly twenty four hours ago and I wasn't sure if I had processed it yet.

"She told me she loved me," I nodded, noticing that my cheek were starting to hurt. This happiness bubble was a very good place to be. "For the first time since everything…she said it."

"That's good, right?" Mark frowned.

"No, Mark, the smile on my face is because something bad happened," I rolled my eyes, hitting the button for the surgery floor as the elevator doors closed.

"It's just…you guys had a plan," Mark sighed. "What happened? What brought this on?"

"I don't know," I shrugged. "We were at Susan, her step-mom's grave, and I started telling her about Dad and she said it."

"Wait…you told her about Dad?" Mark asked.

"Yeah."

"You don't tell anyone about Dad," Mark frowned at me.

"I told Mer," I sighed, smiling. "And she told me she loves me."

"Okay," Mark nodded, looking at me strangely. I actually don't think he had looked at me like that since about the age of thirteen when I had announced to him I wanted to marry our math teacher. This is one of the many reasons I needed to find a new friend. "What does this mean?"

"It means she loves me, Mark."

Sometimes talking to Mark was like talking to a very small, not too bright child.

"Thanks," Mark rolled his eyes. "But I thought you guys were taking it slow. As in starting over and pretending everything in the past didn't happen. I love you isn't exactly the best way to take it slow."

"We're not pretending the past didn't happen," I shook my head quickly. "We're just starting from scratch, doing it right this time."

"And right would involve her telling you she loves you before the first date?"

Sometime I really hated Mark.

"Yes, in this case…yes," I nodded, even as I knew the whole thing sounded maybe just a bit absurd.

"That's insane," Mark shook his head.

"Mark…"I sighed. "I know it's…it's a mess. For Mer and I, it always has been. This, it's big and what I've basically been waiting for…for a long time. I know it doesn't make much sense but this…I needed to hear it."

"Shep, I get it. And I'm happy for you," Mark nodded.

"And yet I sense a but coming," I sighed.

"It's just…those words change everything," Mark shrugged. "How does this change you two and your weird plan?"

"I don't know," I admitted.

"You might want to figure that out, Shep," Mark laughed. "Because it had to mean something to your relationship."

"I know…"

"Do you do that sickening officially dating thing? Are you going to be able to actually get some action?"

"It means you're annoying," I groaned.

"No, Derek, seriously, what's going on?" Mark urged.

"I need to…second date, I should probably finally ask her on that second date," I concluded suddenly.

"She tells you she loves you and your solution is asking her on your second date?" Mark frowned.

"Yes."

"That's lame, Shep, even for you," Mark sighed, moving to walk away as the elevator doors pinged open.

"And what do you suggest I do?" I shot to his back.

"Make her scream your name," Mark smirked, before disappearing around the corner.

And a very small part of me thought for a second that the man might be a genius.

Okay, it was a big part of me.

A very huge part of me.

Because I had definitely been missing the feel of her body under mine. Or on top. Or in front. Or whichever other way we managed to do it. I was definitely missing the sex and making her scream my name seemed like a damn good idea. Because she loved me and that was big, that had to mean something and it changed things. And sex was probably considered to be things.

Except we were taking it slow.

And sex wasn't exactly slow.

Second date it was.

Wasn't it customary to have sex on the third date anyway?

**So yes, filler. Acutally I'll admit. Mark reflects me. Because Meredith wasn't actually supposed to say that quite yet but apparently she thought it was a brilliant idea, and as much as everyone agreed it left me going "Umm...what does this mean?". So yeah, Mark was me and this filler of an update was my way to figure things out. And to show that Derek is insanely happy about all of this. Which is really cute. sigh. **

**Going to start working on another one now but probably won't get it done tonight so look for it tomorrow...hopefully early-ish. **

**Read. Love. Review.**


	24. Chapter 24

**Disclaimer: According to Ausilleo thanks to fan response, Grey's Anatomy is rethinking a Derek/Lexie hook up. If I owned Grey's Anatomy I would have never thought about it in the first place.**

**Sorry this took a while to get up…it's kind of longish but a good longish and I definitely think it was worth it. So yep, I don't know how much else to say about it besides…**

**Enjoy!**

**GAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA**

"Derrrreeeek…" Meredith whined, stretching out my name, her voice louder than the music thumping through the car. "Where are we going?"

"That's a surprise," I smirked.

"What kind of date is a surprise?" Meredith frowned. "You drag me out where jeans and a tshirt and now we're driving into the middle of who knows where. You're driving me to the bush to take advantage of me aren't you?"

"Mer…if I wanted to take advantage I could just get some tequila in you," I laughed.

"You…I…" she sputtered, in that cute adorable way only she could manage. "I hate you."

"No you don't," I laughed, not meeting her eyes.

I couldn't meet her eyes because what I had just said was most certainly not what I had been thinking. I had been thinking that it wasn't at all what she had said a week ago at the gravesite. But apparently we were pretending that had never happened. Or at least we weren't talking about it. But it had definitely happened and that was enough for now.

She said it once, she'd say it again.

For now I was happy holding her hand as she pouted about my surprise date. And knowing she loved me.

Because she had most certainly said it.

"Where is this place?" Meredith asked as I stopped the car.

"Mini-putt," I grinned.

"Mini-putt?" she giggled. "Seriously?"

"Yep."

"I haven't mini-putted since I was thirteen," she sighed.

"Well it's time you mini-putt," I smiled and then stopped. Because this was kind of lame. I knew that. Mark had made it his personal mission to make sure that I knew that this as a second date was kind of lame. As Mark had put it, I wasn't about to get action out of this. But I wasn't looking for action, I was looking for that giggle. And it had already worked. I just wasn't sure if she would feel the same way. "Are you okay with this?"

"Yeah," she nodded, grinning widely as she grabbed my hand. "The question is, are you okay with me kicking your ass?"

"Oh your ass is mine, Grey," I laughed, leading her into the club house.

"You wish," she winked, giggling again.

Definitely not a lame date idea, I figured as I paid for our games and grabbed the clubs from the kid working the desk. Actually, probably a terribly lame date idea. I don't think I would have ever thought to bring another woman mini-putting for a date. But this was Meredith.

"So, ass kicking," Meredith nodded. "Do I get to go first?"

"If you want," I nodded, smiling at the look of pure enjoyment on her face as we walked towards the first hole.

"It's been a while since I've done this…" Meredith frowned, moving to line up her shot.

And this definitely hadn't occurred to me when Mark was trying to convince me this was an awful idea that Meredith would be adorable while playing mini-putt. She got the concentrating look on her face, the one I couldn't resist. And as she was lining up her shot she wiggled her ass in the most alluring way. Alluring in a way that I was going to chose not to concentrate on because in the last week I had gone from a man who was willing to wait, to a man that wanted her desperately.

"Wow," she breathed as the ball dropped in the hole.

"I thought you said you hadn't done this in a while," I groaned, writing he whole in one down on the scorecard.

"I haven't," she shrugged.

"I'd believe you," I nodded. "Except for you just sunk a perfect hole in one on the first hole. Seems kind of…hard."

"Oh," she nodded, frowning slightly. "I should have mentioned…first boyfriend when I was thirteen, huge golf player. I personally hated the sport, so we compromised. I spent a lot of time doing this."

"That was something you might have warned me of," I rolled my eyes.

"I did tell you I was going to kick your ass," she giggled, kissing me quickly before turning around so I could line up my shot.

Which of course took me three shots to sink. Which of course Meredith made sure I knew.

She was annoying in an adorably cute way.

And that is exactly how the rest of the day went. Girls should probably come with warning. And not adorable warnings from them about how they could possibly kick your ass, actual warnings. I had always assumed Meredith had many talents I had yet to discover, I hadn't thought that mini-putt was one of them. She was kicking my ass.

And it was great.

"Derek, are you okay?" she asked, as we approached one of the last holes, some complicated thing that involved getting the ball through a canon of all things.

"Great," I grinned. "Why wouldn't I be?"

"Because I'm kicking your ass," she giggled.

"Oh, I'm fine with you kicking my ass," I nodded, smirking at her. "Although you should know, there is a catch?"

"A catch?"

"Winner buys loser ice cream," I smiled.

"Can do," she nodded, kissing me quickly, turning to take her shot.

I enjoyed this quick kiss thing and I wasn't exactly sure when it had started but recently she had been kissing me a lot, out of habit like we had when we first found each other. It felt even damn better this time around. And made my ass being kicked maybe just a little easier.

"Is this something I shouldn't ever tell Mark about?" Meredith asked as we finished off the game.

"Probably a good idea," I nodded. "He thought this was a lame date in the first place. He doesn't need to know that I indeed don't have your ass, but apparently you have mine."

"I always wanted yours," she smirked, wrapping an arm around my back as we walked out of the club house. "And it wasn't a lame date. It was…kind of perfect. I really liked it, Der."

"Good," I smiled, and then gestured toward the ice cream stand across the street. "But it's not done."

"Ice cream," Meredith nodded.

We walked across the street, our arms wrapped around each other, holding on tightly as we headed towards the ice cream stand. And I felt like a damned teenager. Probably had a lot to do with the very lame, very teenage date, but still, I had a feeling it might have a little to do with the beautiful blonde that was holding onto me.

""She'll have strawberry," I smiled as we reached the counter.

"And he'll have coffee," Meredith giggled leaning into me.

"You remembered?" I smiled. After everything that we had been through I barely remembered telling her, even though it had probably been one of our best nights together.

Although this night was definitely in top contention.

"Of course I remembered," she beamed at me as we were handed our ice cream cones. "You remembered too."

"Of course I did," I grinned, kissing her quickly.

"So I was thinking…" she sighed as we wound through the picnic tables that surrounded the stand, holding hands as we found a free one and slid onto it, sitting beside each other. "Things are going…amazingly well."

"They are," I agreed.

"And I…I said things," she mumbled before taking a bite of her ice cream.

"I personally loved the things you said," I shrugged, smiling as she licked some ice cream off her lip. Apparently in the course of the night things had changed and now we were most certainly talking about what had been said. This was definitely an interesting development.

"Well I do," she nodded, not meeting my eyes. "But that's not what I was thinking about."

"It wasn't?"

"Well it was," she rolled her eyes. "But well…things have been good. Really good. Better than ever. We're happy and we're communicating and no one is running, no one is chasing. It's good. So I was thinking…maybe. I mean, if you think it's too soon…"

"Meredith," I cut her off, running my fingers through her hair. "Just say it."

"Dating…" she mumbled. "I know we have a lot…we're still a mess but it's better. And I'm getting tired of saying you're my kind of boyfriend."

"Mer…what are you saying?" I said slowly.

"Do you want to be my boyfriend?" she asked quickly, and then frowned. "Okay, that sounded really lame and right out of high school hell."

Yet again…breathe.

I needed to breathe.

We were supposed to be going slow. Slow and steady and starting again. And she had told me she loved me. Which had been completely perfect but the exact opposite of slow so we had been playing a very large game of pretending that she hadn't actually said it. Except for now she was definitely admitting to saying it. And changing the game again, in a really big kind of perfect way, that felt a lot faster than I had ever been planning on going.

Not that I was complaining.

Just not breathing.

Breathe.

Actually smile and breathe because the look on Meredith's face had changed ever so slightly and now she looked like she might be freaking out.

"I'd love to be your boyfriend, Mer," I smiled.

She frowned.

"You hesitated," she sighed. "You said yes and you smiled but you definitely hesitated. Derek…I…I'm ready and I want this, but if…I know I did a lot of damage, so it you don't want this yet, you can say no."

"Mer…I didn't hesitate," I shook my head. "Okay, maybe I did. But it wasn't bad hesitating. I just couldn't breathe."

"You couldn't breathe?"

"You have a tendency to knock the air right out of me, Mer," I sighed.

"And that's a good thing?" she giggled.

"That's an amazing thing," I nodded.

"I'm done my ice cream cone," she sighed, throwing up her now empty hands.

"So am I," I smiled, grabbing a hand in my own and leading her off the bench. "As we both work in the morning, I do think this amazing date does have to come to a close."

"I hate work," she sighed as I led her back across the street and to my car. "So we're boyfriend and girlfriend?" she asked as we slipped into my car.

"We're boyfriend and girlfriend," I nodded, smiling to the point my cheeks already were hurting but I didn't care that much.

"And we can work on our issues and whatever, even though we're boyfriend and girlfriend," she whispered.

"We can," I assured her.

And then snores filled the car. I contemplated drowning them out with music but right now they actually sounded kind of beautiful. Which was sad, I was a sad sad man. But those snores were mine again. My girlfriend was curled up in a ball in the passenger seat, snoring more loudly than anyone would ever consider feminine. And it felt completely entirely perfect, because somehow on our second date she had become officially mine again.

"Mer, you're home," I whispered gently as I pulled up to her house.

"Hmmph," she mumbled, cuddling further into my car seat.

"Mer…do you need me to carry you in?" I offered, leaning over to shake her ever so gently.

"No," she shook her head, finally waking up. "Izzie and Alex are probably still up and would never let me live it down. I can walk."

"Okay," I nodded.

"So umm…tonight was amazing," she smiled shyly.

"It was," I agreed, leaning towards her.

"You're my boyfriend," she giggled breathlessly, her mouth getting closer to mine.

"You're my girlfriend," I countered.

Our lips met gently, exploring softly. She tasted like strawberry ice cream, which I usually hated but it worked well with her. Her hands moved to my hair, tangling in my curls as she kissed me harder, pushing at my lips with her tongues. I opened my mouth, taking her tongue in as I pulled her closer, choosing to ignore the car parts that were digging into my body because holding her this close felt too damn good. Her tongue danced with mine as I deepened the kiss further, my hands gently gracing her breasts as I felt myself harden. I could smell lavender, and taste strawberries and I wanted more.

"Wow," Meredith breathed, as we finally pulled away, completely breathless and seconds away from ripping each others clothes off.

"Yeah…wow," I nodded.

"I should go… and you should, probably not move for a few minutes," Meredith giggled, staring at the general area of my crotch. I didn't have to actually look down to know what she was referring to.

"Probably a good idea," I agreed. "But I should walk you to the door."

"Don't worry about it. This date has been already so perfect I don't need it," Meredith shook her head quickly. "Besides if you did…I might do something I regret."

"That sounds promising," I winked.

"No…not yet. Soon…really soon, but not yet," she sighed.

"I know," I nodded. "See you at work tomorrow, Mer?"

"You will," she nodded, kissing me quickly. "Bye Der."

"Bye Mer."

I sat in my car a few minutes longer, watching her walk up the driveway and disappear inside, a happy bounce to her step. There'd be no happy bounce for me, just a long drive back to the hotel to take a very cold shower and work on being patient.

Which was fine.

Because we were boyfriend and girlfriend again.

And as much as that sounded like an after school special or something, it felt pretty damn close to perfect.

Or it would.

Once I got rid of this hard on.

_Baby, say that you'll take me, wherever you're going to_

_Maybe, say that you'll save me a seat next to you._

**So that's it, that's the end of the date. And well, they weren't supposed to decide to be exclusive quite yet, but they were definitely ready to stop with the kind ofs. So they have. But Mer is right, they still have a lot of work to do. And I really don't have much else to say about this chapter. It was just a perfectly cute date, nothing more than that.**

**And I will update again tonight. **

**Read. Love. Review.**


	25. Chapter 25

**Disclaimer: If Grey's was mine I so would be paying everyone I could think of to get my a copy of Harry Potter now instead of later.**

**Sorry this took eons to get up. I wrote it a while ago and meant to post but I've been busy with work and other stuff. So yeah, it took a bit to actually get it posted but it is here now. And it's complete filler but it's fun good filler.**

**Enjoy!**

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"Hey," a soft voice came from behind me, skinny arms wrapped around my waist and a warm body pressed against my back.

"Hey," I smiled, leaning into my girlfriend.

"Your hair looks really good today," she giggled from behind me, her chest shaking against my back.

"My hair looks good?" I laughed.

"It does," I felt her nod.

"Well then," I nodded, my hands moving to cover hers as I pulled her ever so slightly closer. This was new. We had been an actual couple for two weeks now, and it had been perfect but never did she come to me at work, not to act like this. This was good. "So the good hair got me a random display of affection?"

"That and Lexie is looking at you like a piece of meat," Meredith giggled.

"Oh so you're being possessive?"

"I guess," she giggled and then suddenly stilled. "That's okay, right? I mean…I've never really done the possessive girlfriend thing but it's okay, right?"

"It's perfect," I nodded, smiling widely at her doing the possessive girlfriend thing. It felt damn good to have Meredith's arms around me just because she wanted to make it clear to someone else that I was indeed taken.

"Good," she smiled, standing on her tiptoes to kiss the back of my neck. "And I'm done work for the day."

"So you are," I nodded, turning around to find her in jeans and a purple sweater. "What are you doing tonight?"

"We're headed to Joe's," Meredith smiled, pushing a curl off my forehead. "What time are you done tonight?"

"About an hour," I answered.

"Meet me there?" she smiled slyly at me.

"Definitely," I nodded as my pager went off. "Damn. I'll see you later?"

"You will," she grinned, kissing me quickly, running her fingers through my hair one last time before turning around to leave.

Actually before turning around to shoot Lexie a triumphant look.

Joe's tonight. With her friends that we had definitely actually avoided being around together for the last two weeks. Hell, I was even certain if she told them about us, and I wouldn't blame her if she hadn't. Things were still strange with them, awkward and we were new. But she had invited me tonight, to be with them and drink with them. Apparently we were entirely out in the open now, entirely together.

It felt damn good.

The next hour was hell. It shouldn't have been, as I zoomed through the hallways, going to my patients, checking up on them doing, finishing up the post op notes for the day. Technically speaking it was the easiest part of my day. Except for usually when I was zooming through the halls there was this huge stop sign, or at least a yield sign that looked an awful lot like my girlfriend's face. So this was hell, complete and total hell.

How the hell had this happened?

I couldn't work an hour without Meredith.

This was a new and very sad territory.

"Derek! Over here!" Meredith's voice greeted me the second I walked into the extra crowded bar.

I waved a quick hell before grabbing a scotch from Joe and heading over to join her friend. Our friends. Or maybe our friends, what could possibly become our friends. "Hey everyone," I greeted, kissing Meredith quickly as I slid into the seat she had apparently saved for me.

"Hey McDreamy," Cristina groaned.

"Hi Dr. She…Derek," George nodded.

"How many have you had?" I smiled at Meredith, gesturing to the empty shot glasses in front of her.

"Just the three," she giggled, her hand finding a place on my lap, one where I covered it with my own larger hand. "And I'm done for the night."

"Seriously?" I frowned.

"I'm not an alcoholic, Der," she giggled, rolling her eyes.

"I know," I smiled. "But you do have tomorrow off."

"And tonight I don't feel like drinking," she shrugged, leaning closer into me. "I'm here with my boyfriend."

"You broke her," Cristina frowned.

"I didn't…" I started to argue.

"Derek," Izzie cut in, smiling brightly at me. "How was work today? Any interesting surgeries?"

And that's how the rest of the night went, Meredith holding onto me, getting closer and closer as the night wore on. Cristina sending any attack she could my way, always being intercepted by another one of my friends. Izzie was full of questions for me. George kept cutting in with any story he could, some I was pretty certain he made up. And even Alex kept distracting me with games of darts and rounds to get drinks. Every time Cristina said something I felt Meredith tense beside me, and I felt like defending, I felt like attacking back. But then one of her friends would rush to my aide, me of all people, and I'd step back.

Her friends had it tonight.

Tonight they were taking care of her. And me. They were taking care of us.

"Sorry about that," Meredith sighed, hours later as we walked out of Joe's together hand in hand, being by far the last two to leave. "I wish I could make her like you or at least, I don't know, something."

"It's okay, Mer, I'm fine," I assured her with a squeeze of the hand. "The others are taking things well."

"They are," Meredith grinned at me.

"So I need to find us a cab so we can both get home," I sighed, looking around the parking lot and coming up with only one. "Okay…we'll go to your place, drop you off, and then I'll go home."

"Der?"

"Yeah," I nodded, as I started to lead us toward the waiting car.

"You could just get him to drop us both off at my place," she shrugged. "I mean…I know you don't have stuff there or anything but you have tomorrow off so you can get stuff tomorrow and it's easier so you could…if you want."

"Your couch is more comfortable than the hotel bed," I nodded slowly.

"Actually…I was thinking my bed," she whispered.

Breathe, Shepherd, breathe.

I should probably get that tattooed on my forearm or something for a friendly reminder when I needed it the most. Or even better, Meredith's forehead as she was usually the one that made me forget to do so.

I love you.

Want to be my boyfriend.

I was thinking my bed.

Yes, definitely Meredith's forehead.

Breathe, Shepherd, breathe.

"Sure, Mer," I nodded, finally catching my breath again. "I…yeah, I want to crash at your place tonight."

_'Cuz you leave me speechless when you talk to me _

_You leave me breathless the way you look at me _

**So as I said...filler. The actual entire point of this update was to get to that last little bit. So it was complete filler and didn't have too much meaning behind it besides to show where Derek now stands with her friends. And then she invited him to spend the night with her...which was huge and actually leads the next update that is even more huge. **

**And that will be up tomorrow morning.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	26. Chapter 26

**Disclaimer: If I owned Grey's things like that would happen on the show. Instead we get silly things like Meredith saying it's over and Derek not breathing for her. God, I think we all wish I owned the show.**

**Sorry this has taken a while to get up. I went camping with friends and I had some other stuff to do. So yeah I've been busy and sadly writing got put on the back burner, but here is an update. And it's kind of sort of huge...hehehehe.**

**Enjoy!**

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Meredith's bed.

I felt like Christopher Columbus discovering America. Or more accurately Christopher Columbus returning to America after a very long and hellish trip to somewhere that certainly wasn't America.

And now I had apparently lost it as I was comparing Meredith's bed; that I had slept in thousands of times before, to a country.

I felt her move beside me and bit back a chuckle. When I had agreed to spend the night…no wait, agreed wasn't the right word. Agreed suggested there had been some way in hell I would have disagreed, and well…I definitely couldn't have disagreed. Anyway, when I said I'd sleep over my instant thought had been that I'd be up all night listening to her snore as I didn't have my earplugs anymore. My second thought had been about how amazing it was going to be. I hadn't had any thoughts that involved her keeping me up by rolling around.

And yet she was.

"I can't sleep," she whispered into the darkness, cuddling further into my arms.

"So I noticed," I nodded, trying not to laugh. She sounded frustrated. And laughing at frustrated Meredith usually led to bad things.

"My head is being noisy," she sighed.

"Want to talk about it?" I asked, rubbing her arm with my hand.

She sighed loudly but remained silent. Her breathing didn't change, she hadn't fallen asleep. But apparently she wasn't talking. Which was fine. It was. She didn't always have to talk, even if we were trying this communicating thing. Not talking sometimes was fine.

"Webber is still chief," she suddenly said.

I had been expecting worry about sharing a bed, I had expected claims that we were moving too fast. I hadn't expected anything that came out of her mouth to be work related. Or quite that obvious.

"Yes, Webber is still chief," I nodded slowly.

"What…he was retiring," she whispered. "But still…what happened, Derek? You should be chief, that was…why is he still chief?"

"Oh…" I sighed. I didn't even know how to start answering this. Because this answer was huge, the decision had been huge. It had been huge and private and I had never really thought about having to explain it to anyone else. It had been my decision and mine alone. Except for the woman in my arms had asked a question, and she was my everything. I couldn't lie to her, I could dodge the question. "Umm…the person he offered it to turned it down."

"Oh…did he offer it to Burke and then…"

Lie. I could easily lie. I could nod my head and then we could go to sleep and not have to deal with the decision I was pretty certain she wasn't actually going to be all that thrilled about. Lying would be easy. And then within weeks the gossip would start getting around the hospital and Meredith would find out. And she'd kill me.

Or even worse, end the beautiful delicate thing we had going on.

"Actually…me…he offered it to me," I whispered into the dark.

"What?" she gasped, spinning around in the bed so she was facing me. Her eyes were wide. Her hands flew to my chest as she pushed me slightly. "What are you talking about Derek?"

I took a deep breath. "The day of the wedding…Richard called me into his office and told me that I got the job. I was going to be Chief of Surgery at Seattle Grace."

"But you turned it down," she cut in, her eyes searching my face.

"I turned it down," I nodded.

"Your dream was about to come true but you turned it down," she said slowly and then her eyes flashed in a way that I knew always spelled my doom. "Derek…you…did you…you have brain damage right? The man I…you aren't this stupid. You're stupid a lot but this…it's pushing it. And…you can't turn it down. It was your dream."

"Dreams change," I shrugged, smiling slightly at her.

"Dreams change? What? I…Derek, what are you talking about?"

"Meredith…I…you actually have to stop talking," I smirked. "Because I'm not stupid and I'm not crazy. I have my reasons but you need to be quiet so you can actually hear what I'm saying. Can you do that?"

"Derek Michael Shepherd," she glared at me. "Not the time to be talking with that attitude."

"Sorry," I shrugged. "But will you hear me out?"

"Yes," she nodded, running a hand up and down my chest.

"When I was with Addison, I wanted to be chief. I was…you didn't know me in New York, Mer. I wasn't me. The man you met…he's entirely different than the man that lived in New York. I was obsessed with my job, I lived for my job. And it killed my marriage. I know that now…it killed what we had. Part of it was my mistake. I'm not making that same mistake, I'm not making that mistake with you."

"Derek…"

"Shh … no talking," I reminded her. "Some people can do balance, some people know how to do the job and have the life. In the past I haven't been one of those people and with you I don't want to risk it."

"You…you gave up your dream for me…" she whispered, tears filling her eyes as she ran a hand over my curls.

"No," I shook my head quickly. "I gave up that dream for me. Because the life I've carved out here…it's a life, Mer. And I love it. I love what we're building, what Mark and I are building. Nights at Joe's, days fishing, this is the life I want. If I became chief it would all…disappear. I gave up my dream for me, not for you. You're just a part of it, a big part of it."

"Oh…" she nodded. "So you don't have a dream now."

"I have different dreams," I smiled, running a hand down her cheek. "Dreams that involve having a life instead of a job."

"And me?" she asked quietly.

"Definitely dreams that involve you," I breathed. I had wanted to say it. I had wanted to say that my dreams involved weddings and babies and everything else. But I was terrified of asking.

But she had asked.

"Okay," she nodded slowly. "And you're okay, Der? Giving up a dream…it's big. And even if…you don't have to be okay. If you need to talk or vent or…whatever. Everything you ever worked for…we can talk."

"Thanks," I nodded, smiling softly at her. "But really Mer…I feel…I don't know, freer than I can remember feeling in a long time."

"That's good," she nodded.

"Can we sleep now?" I asked, laughing softly at her.

"We can sleep," she nodded.

I expected her to turn her back again, to move so I'd cuddle behind her. Instead she snuggled deeper into my arms, burying her face in my chest as I held her close. This was different, good different, but different. We had never slept like this before, but it felt good. It felt intimate. And I fully expected her snoring to fill the bedroom in the next instant.

Instead I got more rolling around to keep me up.

And really keeping me up this time as she was squashed so tightly up against me.

"What's filling your head now?" I whispered.

"It's…nothing. Sleep, we should definitely sleep," she whispered.

"Mer…" I sighed, hugging her a little tighter. "What is it?"

"I'm sorry I gave up," she said, her voice so quiet I wasn't one hundred percent sure it even qualified as a whisper. "I shouldn't have given up."

Okay, if the chief thing was huge this was gigantic. When she had invited me back to her place tonight I had been hoping out conversation would have more names being used, along with cursing and panting, but I guess this work too.

This was probably better.

Even if it felt huge.

"Meredith, why did you give up?"

The question popped out of my mouth before I had had the chance to realize that it was even coming. It has been pressing in the back of my mind since the moment I had figured out she had given up, the moment I had found her under the water. The pure thought of that moment made my stomach turn. But I had never planned on asking the question. That was in the past, she was doing so much better. I hadn't meant to ask.

But it just popped out.

"Oh…umm…I don't know," she shrugged. "I was…tired. My mom had…I felt like my world was…my mom turned everything upside down on me. The water was so cold and I was trying so hard to fight. And then…for a second, Der, I swear it was just a second, I wondered what the point was. I thought it would be so much easier to just give up. So did…I…it was stupid and I wish I hadn't…but I did."

"I was…I have never been that scared in my life," I breathed.

"I never…" she sighed, not meeting my eyes. "I wasn't thinking. In that moment…I've tried to figure it out. But Der…I don't give up. I…I'm where I am because I don't give up and that day, I don't know what happened. But I really don't. I don't know. I didn't…"

"You didn't what, Mer?" I whispered.

Suddenly she looked at me. Her deep green eyes were dark and shining with tears, her cheeks were wet. She looked terrified and alone, even as she laid in my arms. "I didn't want to die. I never…in the water, I didn't want to die."

"Oh Mer," I sighed, pulling her close to me, feeling her cling to my shirt. She was shaking in my arms. "I know you didn't. I never thought…I know you didn't want to die."

"I was just so tired, I've been fighting against it for so long, I just wanted to stop for a second. I didn't want to fight anymore, but I didn't want to die."

"I know…I know…" I whispered.

"And I'm so scared."

"Why are you scared, Mer?"

"Because…" she whispered, pulling away to look at me again and I could see the fear in her eyes. "My life is hell, it's been…I've always been fighting. And I know it's not over. I have to keep fighting and I don't know if I can keep doing it. I gave up once…"

"Oh Mer…it doesn't mean you're going to give up again," I soothed, pulling her close. Because I had to feel her against me. I had to hold her as I found out she feared the same thing I did. "You're so strong. And Mer, you're not fighting alone anymore. You're never fighting alone ever again."

"I know," she smiled sadly at me before laughing harshly. "You're going to think I'm crazy."

"Why?" I frowned.

"When I was…dead, something happened. I can't say…its personal Derek, really personal. But I was…it was my choice to come back. I had to choose and I came back. I came back because a whiff of you and my friends wasn't enough. But mainly you. I came back from the dead for you. And then I nearly lost you, I couldn't say…and I nearly lost you."

"You…you came back from the dead for me?"

"No," she shook her head. "I came back from the dead for me, you were just…you were a part of the decision."

"Wow," I breathed. I had assumed medicine had brought her back, medicine and medicine alone. Or that prayers had helped. I hadn't thought of this, I hadn't thought that maybe she had chosen to come back.

To me.

"So I very may well be an idiot."

"Except for you never nearly lost me…I thought I had nearly lost you, but me, I've been right here all along."

"I know that now," she smiled, shakily.

"And Mer…you're not going to give up again. I won't let you," I shook my head, squeezing her tightly. "You have me. Your life is better now."

"It is," Meredith nodded slowly. "And the talking thing…my life feels…dealing with Lexie, it was easier because I knew you were there to talk to, to vent, whenever I needed it. It's nice having someone on my side. It's…it's helping Derek."

"Good, I'm glad," I smiled. "Sleep now?"

"Sleep," she nodded, burying herself back into my arms like she had been before. "Der? I'm not sure if I've said this before, but thanks for saving me."

"Mer?" I whispered. "Thanks for saving me too."

I felt her smile against my chest and finally her body really start to relax into my arms as I held her close. She felt good against me, she felt good hiding in my arms, either for protection or just to get lost in them. It felt right to have her curled up close to me. It felt good having some more air cleaned between us.

And it felt damn amazing to be in her bed again.

Finally her loud snores filled the room.

_Tell me who you think you see  
When you look into my eyes  
Lets put our two hearts back together  
And we'll leave the broken pieces on the floor_

**So yeah...that's it. A huge huge conversation. That they really needed to have. Because taking the time, not having sex, going on dates...even the talking about any non issues, it means nothing if they don't talk about the mess they're coming out of. So yeah, they talked. I don't have much to say about the talking, it's pretty clear and at least my perception of what happened on the show. So yep...that's it.**

**Will update tomorrow.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	27. Chapter 27

**Disclaimer: If I owned Grey's Anatomy I'd be entirely flipping out right now as the Emmy nominations are announced in like ten hours. As it is…I'm only flipping out a little.**

**Sorry this took so long to get updated. I've been busy with work and stuff and this update was a complete bitch to write for no apparent reason. And I'm still not loving it but it's up and it's something. So yeah…**

**Enjoy!**

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"You didn't actually have to make breakfast for everyone," Meredith sighed as we walked into work together a week later. "You don't actually live in the house yet."

"I know," I nodded, staring at our intertwined hands. For the past week this had been how we had arrived at work. Together. Hand in hand. I completely totally loved it. And I was definitely getting used to it. "But it was either that or you guys went hungry since Izzie had to be here so early."

"We can feed ourselves," she pouted.

"Cold pizza pulled out of the fridge is not considered feeding yourself," I laughed. "Besides, I'm working on winning them over."

"You are?"  
"I am," I nodded, kissing her quickly. "And I have surgery in an hour so I have to go get ready. See you at lunch?"

"Of course," she grinned, kissing me again.

I smiled quickly at her before turning to head toward the elevator. Life was good, at least better than it had been in hell of a long time. Meredith and I were happy. Mark and I were good. I didn't even cringe when I watched Mark approach Meredith before I stepped onto the elevator. Okay, maybe I cringed a little but just a little. Meredith was my girlfriend. Mark was my best friend. Them talking was good, those two were supposed to talk. There was no reason to cringe.

Of course there was the small fact that he had slept with my wife.

But my Meredith wouldn't do that to me.

"Dr. Yang," I greeted the only other person on the elevator as I stepped on. Another thing that didn't make me cringe. Okay, lie. It completely made me cringe. Even if Meredith and I were great I was slightly afraid of her best friend.

Okay, maybe terrified.

"Shepherd," Cristina nodded in greeting, as the elevator doors closed.

"How are you today?" I asked. Conversation was good. I fully planned on marrying this woman's best friend. Conversation was a must.

"Don't pretend we like each other, McDreamy," Cristina rolled her eyes.

"I like you," I frowned. And lied. Because I didn't actually know her at all, all I knew was that I was quite certain she had planned my death a few times. But I could like her, eventually. Meredith liked her. And I loved Meredith. I'm sure I would like her eventually.

"No you don't," Cristina groaned. "We can't stand each other, McDreamy."

"You're my girlfriend's best friend," I rolled my eyes. "Even if we can't stand each other we have to at least try."

"For now at least," she mumbled.

"And what is that supposed to mean?"

"It means that you're her boyfriend for now," Cristina shrugged. "Until it gets hard again and you run."

"I'm not running again," I shook my head firmly. And for once, I wasn't afraid of her. Because if that's what she was going to accuse me of, we were fine. I wasn't about to run again.

"You say that now," she rolled her eyes.

No, this wasn't going to do. I wasn't going to have Meredith's best friend, Meredith's person thinking that I might run, that I wasn't fully entirely in this. Because if she thought that, she'd say it to Meredith. And if Meredith thought that she might be persuaded to run first. And Meredith couldn't run, not this time. She couldn't end this because her friend scared her.

I pulled the emergency stop button.

It's not like the elevator was important to the hospital anyway.

"I am not running," I shook my head as the elevator jolted to a halt.

"As I said, you say that now," Cristina shrugged. "Until some other bad shit happens to her and you go running the other way."

"I am not running," I repeated, clenching my fists.

"Really? If her dad comes back and slaps her again you're not going to not show up that night? You're not going to keep telling her you can't breathe for her? Are you going to stick around until another secret pops up that drags you from her? Really, Shepherd, how long are you around this time?"

"Forever," I shrugged.

"Or next weekend."

"No, Cristina," I hissed. "I'm in this. Meredith is in this. We love each other and I'm not going anywhere so you might want to learn to accept that."

"I have nothing to accept," she shook her head.

"You have to accept that I'm part of Meredith's life now," I groaned. "And I'm not planning on leaving it…ever."

"Listen McDreamy, Meredith forgave you for all your shit because she loves you. Izzie forgave you because you have nice hair and you and Meredith are cute. That shit doesn't work on me. Meredith is my best friend and I'm not going to sit down and let you hurt her again."

"I'm grateful for that," I smiled.

"You're…what?"

"Grateful," I nodded. "Meredith is…she's used to going at it alone. And hell she's pretty good at it. But I'm grateful that she has you, all of you. Meredith deserves people that want to kick my ass."

"That doesn't let you off the hook," she frowned.

"Nor should it. I messed up. Numerous times. So did she…"

"If you even thinking of blaming this mess on Meredith…"

"I'm not," I snapped. "Both of us messed up and now both of us are working on fixing it. And you're not helping."

"I'm not...what?"

"You're not helping," I shrugged. "Meredith and I are trying damn hard to figure this out and you with your attitude are not helping. So get over it. I'm her boyfriend and I need a place in her life."

"What are you even talking about?"

"Cristina…" I sighed, knowing this isn't at all what I had been planning on talking to her about. This was what I was keeping silent in hopes that it would change over time. And yet the words were spilling out. "I'm happy Meredith has friends that close ranks when they need to. I'm glad she has that family unit. But you guys shut everyone out…and that everyone includes me."

"You're usually the one hurting her," Cristina pointed out.

"I was in the past," I nodded slowly. "But that's done. I'm done hurting her and you have to let me in."

"We're just not going to let you in because you want in," Cristina shook her head.

"Fine," I nodded. "But you should probably know the only person who is hurting her is you. Not letting me in, being like this to me, it's hurting her. She feels like she has to choose and that's bullshit."

"She doesn't have to choose," Cristina groaned.

"I know that!" I snapped. "And I'm not the one that is asking her to. Cristina, I know your life has been hell recently, but can't you at least try to let Meredith be happy for once."

"I'm trying to protect her."

"You don't have to protect her from me!"

"Shepherd, what the hell do you expect us to do, we're her family…"

"I'm her family!" I shouted. "She loves you, you're her sister but me, I'm number one. I'm her family!"

And strangely, Cristina didn't respond. She shut up and looked at me. She stared at me, with something that may have very well been admiration in her eyes. Or something. But she didn't say a word. She just paused and stared at me like I was nothing she had expected. This might be a little scarier than the yelling thing.

"If you hurt her ever again, I will kick your ass, you know that right, McDreamy?" she finally asked.

"I'm not hurting her again," I shook my head. "But if I do, I hope you kick my ass, I'd deserve it."

"Good."

"And you're going to let me into her life?" I asked quietly.

"Yes," she nodded. "Until you mess up again."

"I'm not messing up this time," I shrugged. I wasn't. This time I was giving her romance and then sex. This time I was eventually going to give her a ring.

"We'll see about that, McDreamy," Cristina sighed, pulling the emergency button again to get the elevator started again.

"I don't need you to like me, Yang," I shook my head. "I just need you to figure out that I'm Meredith's boyfriend and I plan on staying her boyfriend."

"You're in, whatever," she rolled her eyes. "Don't tell me you want a hug or something."

"No, I'm good," I laughed.

"What does she even see in you?" Cristina asked before disappearing off the elevator.

We had talking.

We had talked and somehow I was still alive. Not even bleeding. Not even wobbling. If anything things felt better. I was in, really in now. Maybe not liked but at least I was in, at least I didn't feel like it was me or them. That maybe, just maybe, I was part of everything now. This was damn good.

"You're still alive," Meredith's voice cut into my thoughts.

"You're still clothed," I winked.

"Of course I'm still clothed," she laughed, hitting my arm playfully. "Mark is trying to be friends with you, he's not about to touch my clothes. Anyway, I'd have killed him had he tried."

"You would?"

"I would," she nodded, slipping her hand into mine and squeezing it gently. "He threatened me."

"He what?"

"He told me that if I dared to hurt you, he would get revenge somehow. Because you've been hurt enough and I'm not allowed to hurt you anymore. I told him I wouldn't."

"Our best friends are very similar."

"Why?"  
"Cristina threatened me," I sighed. "After some yelling and arguing she let me in, I have now officially been accepted as your boyfriend. And then she threatened to kick my ass if I ever hurt you again."

"I'll let her," Meredith sighed.

"So would I," I nodded.

"But it's good that they let you in…it's really good. They were…nice but this is good, Der. I needed them to do that. Even with everything…and I am most certainly starting to ramble, which isn't bad as you think it's cute but this is really really good. Maybe perfect. Your best friend, and my best friend and the threatening. Good."

"You're right," I smiled. "That was adorable."

"Shut up," she giggled, as my pager went off.

"I have to go," I sighed, kissing her lightly. "I'll see you later."

"Definitely," she nodded.

Life was most certainly good.

_Say a prayer that we might find our happy ending _

_And if you're in you know I'm in _

_I'm ready and I'm willing _

**So this is another update I don't actually know what to say about comment wise. Week since she first invited him to spend the night and they fell right back into that habbit and they're happy and things are good. But they were still iffy with friends...so he talked to Cristina. And there was yelling and arguing. And Derek said exactly what Cristina needed to hear, and even if she doesn't like him, she's at least come to accept him. Because right now on the show, I think Cristina very much doesn't accept him as Meredith's boyfriend. But now she does...although that's not entirely dealt with...hehehe. **

**Will update sometime tomorrow, probably in the morning as I'm waking up stupid early to hear Emmy nominations. **

**Read. Love. Review.**


	28. Chapter 28

**Disclaimer: If I owned Grey's Anatomy I have no idea what I'd be doing right now. But I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be curled up on my couch in a pair of leggings and an oversized hoodie posting an update of a fanfic online.**

**Sorry this took a couple of days...busy with work and family stuff. 3D life and all that jazz. But it's here now...and it's kind of filler and kind of not filler all at once if that makes any sense. It probably doesn't but oh well. Lol.**

**Enjoy!**

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"I can't believe you took me to see Harry Potter," Meredith giggled as we walked down the street holding hands.

"Why wouldn't I?" I asked.

"Der…last date we went mini putting. And now a kids movie," she pointed out, smiling widely at me. "Do you actually remember what age we are?"

I leaned over and kissed her quickly. Another week had passed since Cristina and I had figured things out and we had finally squeezed in enough time for another date. This dating thing was harder to schedule than I had imagined. But it was well worth it to see that grin on her face.

Even if she was complaining about my cheesy dates.

"You loved the mini putt," I laughed, letting go of her hand to wrap my arm around her. "And you loved the movie."

"Doesn't change the fact that they are very juvenile dates," she laughed, leaning into me.

"I can think of more mature dates," I winked, before pulling her close into my arms and kissing her deeply.

I was getting used to this again. Used to pulling her into my arms and smelling lavender all around me as I kissed her hard. She was blending into me again, melting into my arms. It hadn't actually felt like this since before Addison and it was back again. It was perfect, well not quite perfect yet but something about it felt like it was most definitely on the way toward being perfect.

"Hmm…" she moaned against my lips. "Soon, Der, I swear."

"Not complaining," I shook my head. "This is…perfect."

"It is," she nodded. "But still…Harry Potter?"

"I had to see it," he groaned. "If I don't see it my nieces and nephews will never let me live it down."

"So you dragged me on a date to keep your nieces and nephews happy?"

"Yes," I grinned. "And everyone loves Harry Potter."

"You love Harry Potter," she giggled.

"I do," he nodded. "When I was little I wanted to be a wizard. Before I figured out they didn't really exist, I definitely wanted to be a wizard. After that it changed to a magician but yep, I would have loved to go to Hogwarts."

"I wanted to be a ballerina," Meredith grinned.

"I didn't know you danced," I frowned slightly.

"I didn't," she sighed, her head against my shoulder. "Well, I did. For a year. When I was four my dad signed me up for it. But he left…and my mom…she didn't have time."

"But you loved it," I sighed. Meredith hadn't gotten what she deserved since day one. And something felt entirely wrong about that. She was my Meredith, my wonderfully perfect Meredith and she deserved everything in the world. If she had wanted to be a ballerina she deserved to go to any class they could find. Hell, if she wanted to be an astronaut she deserved her own rocket ship.

And yes, a voice in the back of my head knew it was insane to love a woman that much.

But I didn't actually really care.

"I loved it," she nodded. "I…it was nice feeling like I was the one people were paying attention to. I didn't actually realize that at the time, but looking back, I liked it. And just…I really liked it."

"I'm sorry you had to give it up," I sighed.

"I had to give up a lot of things," she shrugged, barely looking fazed by the admission. "You get used to it after a while."

"You shouldn't have had to," I shook my head. "You didn't have a great childhood, did you?"

"It was crap," she shrugged. "My mom…I think she tried her best, I really do. I don't blame her for messing up. Her life was hard…and I don't think she should have been a mom. But…yeah, it was crap. I lived through it."

"You lived through it and came out amazing," I smiled. "But still, a childhood isn't something you should have to live through."

"I know," she nodded. "But its okay, Der. I'm happy. My life is…its good."

"Good," I nodded, even though something still hurt inside. Because the fact Meredith's life was good now didn't actually make up for all the not good it was in the past before we had each other.

Crazy irrational thought number two.

"What was your childhood like?" she asked.

"A movie," I laughed. "Over protective Mom. Too many sisters to drive me mad. And from what I remember a completely involved Dad. It was definitely like something from a Disney movie."

"That sounds perfect…" Meredith breathed.

"It was in a lot of ways," I smiled. "Sometimes, when I got a little older it was hard…but yeah, it was a good way to grow up."

"You're going to want me to meet them all eventually, aren't you?" she whispered.

"Eventually," I nodded. She'd have to; at that wedding I was most definitely planning in the back of my mind. "But no rushing, whenever you feel ready for it is fine."

"They're not all like Nancy, are they?"

"Definitely not," I laughed.

"Good," she smiled. "I'm…I'm going to have to hear a lot more about them before I agree to go."

"Of course," I nodded.

She didn't outright say no. She suggested that maybe, eventually, she'd be willing to meet them, willing to come home with me and emerge herself into my far too large family. I didn't even want to emerge myself in that mess half the time and yet here Meredith was volunteering to do it eventually.

She really was amazing.

"Seriously…Der…Harry Potter?" she all of a sudden said again.

"Seriously," I frowned. "It's great. The books are better than the movies. They leave a lot out of the movies."

"Like what?"

"Well that prophecy," I explained. "In the book it was a bit of a controversy because how it was worded it could apply to either Harry or Neville, but obviously they didn't put that in the movie."

"Oh," she nodded.

"It wasn't as bad as the third movie though."

"What was wrong with the third movie?"

"They left out so much important information, like who Padfoot, Prong, Mooney and Wormtail were. And why they were animagus in the first place. And the significance of Harry's patronus being a stag."

"You're kind of a dork, aren't you?" she giggled beside me.

"I told you, my nieces and nephews insist that I keep up to date," I groaned.

"Der…you haven't seen or talked to those nieces and nephews in over a year," she argued.

"Oh….umm…shut up."

"It's okay," she laughed as we approached her door. "I still want a fourth date even if you are some weird Harry Potter dork."

"Good to know," I nodded. "And this is where I leave you."

"What? You're not coming in…" she frowned.

"No, I'm not coming in," I shook my head, smiling at her. "Tonight is date night and if I go sleep in your bed…date night will only end in one way. And we're not quite ready for that, so I'm sleeping at the hotel tonight."

"Oh," she frowned.

"It will happen soon," I smirked. "And I am willing to kiss you goodnight."

"Well, that's a relief," she giggled.

I leaned forward and found her lips, pressing my own against them hard as I breathed her in. I really did love kissing her. The way her tongue played against mine, her teeth clashed against my mouth, everything. She was a damn good kisser. And she was mine.

"I had a good time," she smiled as she pulled away, her cheeks flushed.

"So did I," I nodded.

"Goodnight, Der."

"Goodnight, Mer."

_All you can say_

_All you can feel_

_Was wrapped up inside that one perfect kiss_

_Leave it at that:_

_I'll watch you turn the corner and go..._

**So nothing much to say...the joy of filler. They talked about their childhood's a teeny tiny bit. And they talked about Harry Potter. Mainly because on that really cute video of Paddy visiting the girl in the hospital he says he's taking Talula to see Harry Potter...and it was hot...so yeah, Derek is a Harry fan, lol. I figure my dad is so why not Derek. **

**And I fully plan to update this tomorrow...with something that's not filler. **

**Read. Love. Review.**


	29. Chapter 29

**Disclaimer: spoiler so ignore this if you don't like them According to Ausilleo Alex and Lexie Grey will be hooking up in Season 4. For the first time in what feels like ages I approve of something Shonda did. Still don't own the show though.**

**Sorry this has taken a while to get an update up. Been busy with family stuff as our summer is winding down and my two siblings are about to move out again for school so yeah it's been busier than usual. Almost can't wait till the summer is over and my life can get back to normal. But yes, an update is here now. **

**Enjoy!**

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"Derek! Derek!" a familiar perky voice came from somewhere in the crowded bar.

I groaned silently and stared at my drink, hoping that I'd look brooding enough to be left alone. Not that I was actually brooding. Meredith had been called into emergency surgery so I had come here to kill time with a drink instead of going home with her friends. Wasn't quite that comfortable with them yet. But maybe if I looked brooding she'd go away. Because with all the perkiness and the inability to figure out I certainly wasn't interested I was beginning to wonder how the brunette headed my direction had any genes in common with my girlfriend.

"Derek," she smiled as she finally reached me. "I was hoping I'd run into you here."

"Well you did," I sighed, staring at the bright pink drink in her hand that had some colourful umbrella popping out of it. There was no way this woman was related to my Meredith. It didn't seem possible.

"You're dating my half sister," she sighed, slipping into the empty bar stool beside me.

"I am," I smiled, despite my annoyance. I was after all exceedingly happy to be dating her half sister.

"You really love her, right?" Lexie asked.

"Yeah," I sighed happily. I couldn't stand Lexie but if she wanted to sit beside me and talk about how much I love Meredith, I was okay with that. I'd talk to anyone about how much I love Meredith. I'd especially enjoying talking about it to the daughter of the man that had most certainly never loved Meredith enough.

"And you know her pretty well?"

"Getting there," I nodded.

"I want to talk to her," she sighed. "We talked the once but she was…it didn't go well at all. I don't think she likes me very much."

"Why should she?" I asked.

"She doesn't even know me," the younger Grey frowned.

"The first time you entered her life was hitting on me," I pointed out.

"She can't hold that against me," Lexie shook her head. "You're a good looking guy, she has to know that. I didn't know that you were her good looking guy. That was most certainly not my fault."

"You still did it," I sighed, gesturing for Joe to pour me another drink. Meredith was meeting me here, she could drive us home tonight. She'd understand once I explained the Lexie of it all. "And with your family's past she doesn't exactly need more of a reason."

"I know my dad messed up," she sighed.

"Your dad more than messed up," I shook my head. "He messed up when Meredith was five. Now…he slapped her. That's more than messing up."

"He…what?"  
"You didn't know?"

"No, no," Lexie shook her head, looking disgusted. I felt disgusted just thinking of that day, of the way he had touched my Meredith. I should have punched him. My gut had told me to punch him and then some huge rational voice had told me not to. Something about work and that not helping Meredith. But I should have done it. I should have punched him and then gone to Meredith.

What I had done had backfired anyway.

"He did," I sighed.

"I knew there had been a falling out. He told us they fought and I knew…I knew something had happened but I didn't know," she shook her head again. "My dad isn't a violent person, Derek. I'm sure he didn't…"

"I saw it."

"Oh."

"Lexie," I sighed. Because when she had said oh her eyes had done this thing that Meredith's did, and I wasn't all that good at hating anything that Meredith did. "I'm sure you're a nice person. You seem it. But Meredith…I love her. A lot. I'm just trying to protect her. And the Grey family, you guys have a way of hurting her. I'm not letting that happen again."

"We're her family," Lexie frowned.

"Blood doesn't make you family," I shook my head.

"We are…" Lexie insisted.

"What's her favourite kind of ice cream?"

"I don't know."

"Who's her best friend?"

"I…I think it's Dr. Yang…or you."

"What's her favourite drink?"

"…"

"What's her favourite 80s group?"

"Derek, all of this…it's not the important stuff," Lexie sighed. "I want to know all of that, eventually."

"When she was little what did she want to do when she grew up? And why?" I demanded.

"Derek, it's beside the point," Lexie shook at her head. "We're her family, not you."

This had to stop. This was absurd. That was the second time in recent memory that someone had tried to tell me I wasn't her family. This was completely ridiculous. If I wasn't her family, I wasn't sure who was. I was Derek. She was Meredith. She was my family, and I was hers. I had to do something about this soonish. I had to figure out a way to get a ring on her finger so people would stop claming she belonged to them.

Meredith was my family.

"She's my family," I hissed. I didn't mean to hiss but this was most certainly becoming a button. "She's my girlfriend and my everything. I'm her family, not you."

"I… I'm sorry, Derek, I just want to get to know my sister."

"Are you planning on hurting her?"

"Of course not," Lexie protested.

I studied Lexie carefully. She was sweet. She was young. And seemed nice enough. She definitely wanted in my pants, and probably still did but she seemed like she might actually want to be friends with Meredith. And Meredith could use family. Not just me, not just her friends. I loved being her family but she deserved more than that. She deserved everything. Besides, Lexie was giving me the pleading Grey eyes that matched her sister's far too well.

"Fine," I sighed. "I'll see what I can do. I'll talk to her but…she comes first to me. If she doesn't want this…that's it."

"But you'll talk to her?"

"I'll talk to her," I nodded. "But…if you hurt her…Meredith is, a lot of people love her very much. A lot of people that have a lot of power and say in this hospital. If you hurt her, I will make sure that I and all of them make your life a living hell at work. That is if Dr. Yang even let's you live."

"Dr. Yang?" she gulped.

"You were right, she's Meredith's best friend," I nodded.

"Oh…and she…."

"If you hurt her, you will regret it," I nodded.

"But you'll help?"  
"I'll talk to her," I sighed. "I'll let her know what you want, and I'll see what she has to say. But everything else…it's up to you two."

"Thanks Derek," she smiled brightly. "It's really great of you. She seems…I don't know but she's my sister. I've always wondered what she'd be like and now…now I'm really excited. Really excited. It's going to be so great if she wants to get to know me."

And in that second she stopped being related to Meredith.

In that second I became pretty certain that she was going to use some word like gunho.

I had definitely had enough of Lexie Grey.

I could wait for Meredith at the hospital.

"Meredith should be done soon so I'm heading back to meet her," I sighed, getting up. "Nice chatting with you."

"Thanks, Derek. Thanks for everything."

"I'm doing it for Mer, not you."

"She's lucky," Lexie sighed. "To have what you have…"

"I'm the lucky one," I smiled, before going to find my girlfriend.

**No lyric. There's really nothing that fits it. Lexie has gone after Derek in hopes that he'll help her form a bond with Meredith. Becasuse god knows the first time didn't end well for her. So he goes after Derek because he's a lot easier to approach. And Derek is all protective of his Meredith as he's pretty sure he's her family. But he gives in...because a family would be good for Meredith...mending things and stuff. So he says he'll talk to her...and then gets all threatening. Now if Lexie is being sincere...that's yet to be seen. **

**Will update tomorrow after work so sometime after 5. **

**Read. Love. Review.**


	30. Chapter 30

**Disclaimer: Thursday during Grey's we're getting sneak peaks of the new season. I am ever so excited. If I owned the show I wouldn't actually be excited about sneak peaks as I'd know what was coming.**

**So here it finally is. Sorry it took forever. I have friends visiting and work and family stuff so I've been busy. But it's here now. And seriously girls...I'm not going to lie. I LOVE it. Call me conceited but I think this is one of my favourite things I've ever written, it really is. So yeah, I hope you enjoy is just as much. Really, I do. **

**Enjoy!**

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I couldn't hear my music.

And I considered turning it up to over power the far too loud to be considered cute snores from my girlfriend, except for it might wake her up. And when I had finally found her in the hospital after leaving the bar she had looked exhausted, bags had marred her beautiful green eyes. So I just didn't have the heart to risk waking up my sleeping beauty.

Even if her snores were annoyingly loud.

Besides, I certainly needed time to think.

Lexie wanted to be part of Meredith's life. Meredith's life that for once felt like it was going right. She seemed happy and in control and in a good place. A really good place. We were in a good place. And Lexie was, she was a Grey. In the past, nothing good had come from that. I didn't want bad to come, I didn't want bad to hurt us. Not that it would but Meredith was happy. I loved her happy.

I loved her not happy too but that wasn't the point.

But she needed something, she needed a family, a bond with people that actually shared her blood. I didn't want her to, I didn't want to risk her being hurt that badly again, but they were her family, they were her blood. And until she could figured things out with her family, she wouldn't be happy, not really. The daddy issues, the family shit, it would always bug her. And I'd give anything for my Meredith to be truly happy.

Mine.

She was mine.

But if Lexie, if Lexie wanted in, I had to at least try. For Meredith.

"Mer…we're home," I whispered gently as we pulled up to her house.

I got a mumbled reply and then a return to the loud snores. She was out, she was entirely completely out. And it was adorable but it definitely meant I had no help getting her actually in her house.

"Come on, Mer," I sighed, getting out of the car and running around to her side of the car.

"Der…" she mumbled softly as I pulled her out of the car and she cuddled immediately into my arms.

"It's okay," I whispered, shifting to carry her closer as I headed toward her front door. She was snoring softly again and her arms were clung around my neck. This had never happened often, maybe twice before we made a mess of things. And every single time she had managed to stay sound asleep until the next morning. It was a skill.

"Derek?" Izzie said, opening the door as I walked up the stairs.

"Hey Izzie," I smiled. "She passed out in the car."

"Oh," Izzie frowned, looking at Meredith cuddled up against me. "Do you need help getting her in bed?"

"Just hold the door and I can get it from there," I nodded.

I walked by her and headed up the stairs, smiling at the fact that this path was becoming familiar again, that going upstairs to her bedroom felt like exactly where I was supposed to be heading.

And then we reached her room.

It hit me as I placed her gently on her bed.

She was still dressed. She was still wearing her clothes. And she hated sleeping in her clothes. She'd wake up in the middle of the night and be angry. At me. For letting her sleep in her clothes.

I hadn't seen her naked in months.

"Meredith…" I whispered, shaking her gently. "Meredith."

"Hmmm…" she mumbled in reply, her hand swatting at mine.

"Meredith…" I said louder. "We're home. You need to get up so you can change."

"Hmmpphh," she murmured into her pillow.

This was a lost cause, she wasn't going to wake up. And short of letting her sleep in her sweater and jeans, I didn't actually have that many options of things left to do. I had to undress her. I had to undress my beautiful amazing girlfriend that I wanted to do nothing more than to undress. Except for I most certainly wanted to undress her when she was conscious and begging to have me inside her.

Which is most certainly not something I should be thinking about before undressing her.

"Okay, Mer…" I sighed. "I'm going to take off your clothes. Because you're sleeping and you won't be comfortable in that stuff. So I'm taking it off. If you wake up in the middle please don't hate me."

"Hmmm…" she groaned in reply.

Okay, I could do this. It was just a body. That's exactly what I had to think. Body, just a body. I was a doctor, I was used to seeing people in all kinds of undressed, this was just another body. Not the body that I was madly in love with and most certainly wanted under me. Shaking, quivering with need.

Yet again, not the way I should be thinking.

I pulled her into a sitting position so I could slip the sweater over her head. I had expected something under it, one of those lacy tank top things or something. Instead I found a lacy bra. Black. And I definitely shouldn't be looking. Or noticing how flat her stomach was, or the gentle swell of breasts under the black lace. Definitely not. Body, she was just another body. An entirely perfect amazing body.

Shirt, she needed a shirt.

I grabbed the shirt from the ground that I had known she wore the night before and pulled it over her head. That was better, not seeing all that skin was certainly better. Or not, but better in the sense that it needed to be better. Because looking at a shirt made it much easier to keep parts of my body that should be down, down. So shirt was very good. Besides she looked cute in the shirt. Cute, not hot, cute.

And now the bra had to go.

Because sleeping with those wires and everything couldn't be comfortable. And had I taken the bra off with no shirt on I couldn't have been held responsible for anything I had done. So doing that thing that girls did, the taking off the bra without taking off the shirt thing was the only option. As long as I didn't accidentally touch any breast, because that would definitely have to be added to the list of things that meant I couldn't be held responsible for anything that I did. So bra coming off, from under shirt.

I reached around to her back and undid the bra, trying to ignore the urge to pull off her shirt up and stare as I grabbed at the bra through the sleeve of her shirt. This was certainly not as easy as it looked.

And somehow I managed to do it with no boob contact.

Damn it.

Best to pretend I hadn't thought that.

"Okay, Mer," I whispered loudly, ignoring the huskiness in my voice. "I'm going to take your pants off now. I am not looking for sex…just jeans, not comfortable."

At least my jeans weren't comfortable.

I reached for her belt and undid it quickly, trying to recite the different sections of the brain in my head instead of concentrating on what this action usually led to. There was nothing sexy about the brain. And this was just me taking off pants, pants on a body, just another body. That had these amazingly perfect legs that looked like they went for miles and were just the right amount of muscle and softness. Perfect perfect legs that felt amazing wrapped around my waist.

It was probably good to concentrate on the legs and not the matching lacy black panties.

Meredith had a thing for black panties.

It was hot.

Pajama pants were on. She was dressed. Fully clothed. No more skin showing to entice me to do all kinds of naughty things we weren't actually doing yet. Dressed. This was good. I had somehow managed to strip down my perfectly beautiful girlfriend and dress her again without jumping her.

I deserved a gold star.

Or at least a cookie.

Maybe sex with the girlfriend.

No. Scratch the last one. We weren't going there yet.

And now I had to leave. Because I was spending every night here…unofficially. Every night she asked me if I wanted to stay. Every night I had accepted. But we never talked about it. We never said I was living there, or that I was even welcome there all the time. And I wasn't about to jump into her bed uninvited when she wasn't even able to wake up.

Leaving.

And then she grabbed my hand.

"Der…" she mumbled, her voice full of sleep.

"Yeah?"

"Stay…" she breathed.

By the time I had slipped off my shoes her snores had returned and I pulled on my pajamas smiling at the sound. I was growing to love the snores. They were so perfectly Meredith.

I slipped into the bed and pulled her close.

She was sound asleep.

But she had still managed to ask me to stay.

_I know you're mine, all mine, all mine _

_But you look so good it hurts sometimes _

**So yeah...that's my masterpiece...I even love the lyric I chose for it, lol. And really...nothing to say. Derek was worried, Mer passed out...Derek got Mer naked. Hehehe. And as I said, as amazing as this way...it was complete filler. Because something is about to go down and before that went down I wanted something cute and fluffy and fillerish. So that was it. Hehehe. And now you're all scared.**

**Will update tomorrow evening after work. **

**Read. Love. Review.**


	31. Chapter 31

**Disclaimer: Right now I should be buying a ticket to go visit my best friend in Florida for the Grey's Anatomy season premiere. However, I can't as I don't have the money. If I owned the show lack of money would not be a problem.**

**So here's another update! It's kind of shortish compare to some other ones but I think it's just as important.**

**So enjoy!**

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"So I had a chat with Lexie last night."

Okay, so that hadn't been the opening I had been going for. I had stayed up half the night as she snored beside me trying to figure out how to start the conversation and I was quite certain that some time around three o'clock I had come to the conclusion that just blurting it out like that wasn't actually a good idea. I hadn't actually decided on any attack plan but I had decided against this one. And then I used it.

Sometimes I wondered how my brain worked.

"Oh," Meredith nodded as she walked out of the washroom. "About how she wants in your pants?"

"No," I shook my head firmly. "About how she wants in your life."

"She wants…what?"

"She's your sister, Mer," I shrugged. "She knows that you guys haven't exactly gotten off on the right foot, but she's your sister."

"And?"

"She's your sister, she deserves a chance," I sighed, not feeling great about where this was going. Actually it was more of not feeling great about the glint in my girlfriend's eyes. I knew that glint. It did not bode well for me.

"She doesn't deserve a chance," Meredith shook her head.

"Why?"

"Because…she's his daughter," she shook her head again, faster this time, not meeting my eyes. "She his daughter…he was…she…he chose her and I don't want anything to…no, Derek, no."

"Meredith, she's not to blame for what he did," I whispered. "I would never ask you to try with him, not again. But she's…she's just as innocent as you are."

"Innocent? She wants in your pants."

"She's backed off since she found out we're together."

"Of course she did," Meredith rolled her eyes. Eye rolling was never a good sign. "She backed off. And now she wants to be my sister so she can get closer to you."

"Mer…she wants to be your sister because…she wants to know the most amazing person in the world," I tried.

"Seriously? Seriously?"

"Mer…just give her a chance," I sighed.

"No," Meredith shook her head firmly. "Every time…I gave that thing or whatever a chance with Susan and it blew up in my face. I'm not doing it again."

"Mer…" I groaned, running my hand through my hair. "I'm not asking you to buy cheesy sister picture frames or name our first child after her…just, coffee or something. Talk to her. And not Meredith talk, really talk."

"Meredith talk? And what is that?"

That had most certainly been the wrong thing to say.

"Mer…I didn't mean…"

"No," she shook her head. "What did you mean, Derek? We're being honest this time, remember? What did you mean?"

"It's just…" This was bad. It has passed from kind of bad to really bad. I hadn't meant for this to become a fight, our first fight since getting back together. I had just wanted to casually bring it up, end of story. Instead it had turned into this. And this was bad. "Sometimes…you avoid things. You talk around things and over things and just…it's adorable but not what you need to do with Lexie."

"I don't need to do anything with Lexie," Meredith snapped.

"Mer…just talk to her," I sighed. "She's your family."

"She's my family?" Meredith shouted. "Those people… they're not my family. We share a last name and some DNA, that doesn't make them my family."

"But you need…"

"I have a family."

"Mer…"

"No," she shook her head, her voice louder than normal. "Cristina…Izzie…and George, Alex they're my family. I don't need Lexie."

"Mer…"

"You."

"What?"

"You…this is, I'm pretty sure we silently agreed that this is…it, whatever it is but this is it. And that means…you're my family now. You. More than anyone else. You're my family. I don't need another family."

And finally someone had gotten it.

She got that I was her family.

Even if the words hadn't seemed that comforting, the whole yelling them thing had a way of putting a damper on the bigness of what she had just said, but she had said it. She had said that I was her family. The exact thing I had been fighting for weeks and she had said it. She had come to the same conclusion I had without me fighting her on it. I was her family. She was family. She knew it, she didn't want anyone else to be her family, she had me. And that was enough.

"Sorry, Mer," I breathed, the fight flowing out of me. "I…I'm your family, I know that."

"Good."

"I just…I don't want you to cut anyone out of your life that might bring you happiness," I shrugged. "She's your sister. And even if you don't like…it's who she is. I don't want you to cut that out because of what your dad did to you."

"I know," she nodded. "It's just…I'm happy. I'm actually happy. And I don't want anything to ruin it."

"Neither do I."

She sighed and walked toward me, wrapping her arms tightly around me and leaning her head into my chest. "You just want me to talk to her?"

"I want you to," I nodded, hugging her tightly. "But just…do what you can. If you're not ready for that, it's okay."

"I'll think about it," she murmured.

"That's all I'm asking for," I grinned.

"Can we go to work now?"

"Of course."

I grabbed her hand and led her out of the bedroom. We had gotten through our first fight. We had made it out alive and well and she had said I was her family. I was her family.

And I think I had won the fight.

**So no lyric for this update, because the lyric I was going to use doesn't fit the update now that the update decided to change itself. Sigh. So yeah, they fought over Lexie because Derek didn't really bring it up in the most graceful of ways, because when does Derek ever bring anything up in the bests of ways. So yeah, they fought. And then Mer said he was her family and took the fight right out of the poor guy. So they made up...kind of. Which wasn't the plan. Except for the characters didn't want to fight anymore. So yeah, this still works.**

**And chances are high that I'll update again tonight. **

**Read. Love. Review.**


	32. Chapter 32

**Disclaimer: We've gotten tons of previews for the premiere, pictures, clips, everything. And if you put them all together they all become one really confusing mess. Sigh. If I owned the show this wouldn't be a problem.**

**Guys, sorry that this has taken so long. I've been crazy busy with life and stuff and living in happy GA spoiler land. But here's an update finally. And really...I am quite certain this makes up for any wait that I put you through. Hehehe.**

**Enjoy!**

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Okay, I had thought I had won the fight.

Except for we had come home from work together; or at least to her home together, and something was certainly off. I couldn't put my finger on it but something had certainly been off since I had met her outside my office. Off. After we had made up and I had apparently won the fight, we were still most certainly off. And after months of being off together, I didn't like being off again.

It led to me staring at her ceiling.

And I hate staring at her ceiling.

I wanted to wake her up. I wanted to shake her awake and demand for her to tell me why exactly we were off. Except for I knew my Meredith well enough to know she would say nothing was wrong and groan about me waking her up. Besides, there was a very good chance she didn't know why we were off either.

Except we were.

We had a had a fight, a small insignificant fight, and now we were off.

Some voice in the back of my head, the one that I was pretty sure was Mark's fault from somewhere along the way, said something about make up sex.

But I was going to ignore that voice.

Because we hadn't actually had sex yet. Three dates in and spending every night together and we hadn't actually had sex. We had made out, we had made out a lot. It was like high school all over again. Except we hadn't even ever talked about having sex. Somehow it had become an entirely taboo subject for us, it was like sex didn't even exist. Which was sad, incredibly sad. I had thought of it, plenty. All the time. But never had we actually talked about it, about when we were going to have sex or any of that stuff.

It seemed wrong for our first time to be make up sex.

"You're not sleeping," her voice interrupted my thoughts.

I had been so lost in thought that I hadn't noticed the lack of snoring coming from beside me.

"Neither are you," I smiled, flipping onto my side to look at her.

And I found her smiling back at me.

I held her gaze across the bed and wondered what we were doing. We were good at meaningful looks across a crowded room but generally didn't share them in bed. But here we were, staring at each other across the bed. It was definitely nice, strange but nice.

Her fingers snaked through mine.

And then we were kissing.

Kissing kissing. Meredith had lots of kisses. And I was getting really good at reading them. Their were I love you kisses, goodbye kisses, good morning kisses, forgetting about a bad day kisses, making someone jealous kisses, tons of different kisses. And there was her I want sex kisses, which I hadn't actually had since we had gotten back together from our brief self-imposed break.

But this was certainly an I want sex kiss.

I released her hand and pulled her close to me. I needed her close to me, feel her body against mine as her kisses grew harder, her tongue delving into my mouth. She pulled at me gently, pulling my body closer to hers, her body screaming for sex.

Questions about her being sure hovered somewhere in my brain but her hand running along my growing erection chased them away.

She groaned as her hands clawed at my shirt, pulling it over my head. This was unreal. We weren't supposed to be doing this, talking was supposed to come before this. There was definitely talking that should be happening. This was our first time and it wasn't supposed to be like this. And then her mouth left mine and started traveling along my neck and any doubts left my mind.

Talking was highly overrated.

I fumbled with her shirts as she nipped lightly at my neck. I loved when she nipped at my neck, only she knew how to do it right. I pulled the shirt over her head and flipped her onto her back. She was half naked and under me, her lips still searching my neck. I groaned slightly and moved down to her chest, giving up the feel of her lips on my neck to explore the slopes of her breasts. I had once known them by heart. Apparently it wasn't a memory that was going away, as she gasped as I took her nipple into my mouth. I sucked on it gently, loving the way she was thrashing underneath me as my hands moved to remove her pants.

"Derek," she moaned as I pushed a finger into her, my mouth never leaving her breasts that tasted like her.

I wanted to take my time, this was our first time and I wanted it to be more than a quick roll in her bed. Except for she tasted so damn good and her body was moving so perfectly under me. And she was so ready.

It had been so long.

"Now…I…now," I begged.

"Please," she murmured in response.

One syllable had me pulling back and ripping off my pants. I breathed her name as I slowly thrusted into her. I stilled the second I was fully inside. Meredith. Meredith surrounded me, I was…this wasn't just sex. It was something entirely different and it hit me like a wall. This was Meredith. And she was it, she was it and she was under me. And I was inside her. This wasn't sex.

"Derek…please," she whispered.

I pulled out slowly before pushing back in, my hips discovering the rhythm I hadn't been sure I remembered. But of course I had. She was Meredith and now we were…rocking against each other, getting lost in the feel of the other's skin against our own. Our lips clashed together again, tongues delving in and out of mouths as our movements lower became harder, more urgent.

"Mer…" I gasped, feeling my own body begin to tighten, readying itself for release.

She groaned in response and her body arched forward, rocking harder and harder under mine and I knew she close. I knew her body too well. She gasped my name one last time as I felt her body release around me.

My mind went blank as my body released into her.

"Wow," she breathed as I rolled off of her, our chests both heaving.

"Wow," I agreed.

"Should we…" I started sometime later.

"Talk? Tomorrow," she whispered.

And then I took a deep breath. Because there were words hovering at the tip of my tongue. Big words that she had said the once but we hadn't actually said it since. It was out there. I knew she meant them. But for no actual reason we avoided the words like the plague. And now we had just had mind blowing sex and the words were screaming in my head.

I wanted to say it.

I didn't want to ruin the moment.

If I let the words slip and she hadn't wanted them she'd freak and possibly kick me out of the bed. If she was expecting the words and I didn't say them she could possibly freak and kick me out of bed. I was stuck. It was an impossible situation. Sometimes I was quite certain that figuring out the human brain was easier than figuring out Meredith Grey.

Now was one of those times.

"I love you, Derek," her breathless whisper interrupted my thoughts.

Okay, maybe it wasn't that hard.

"I love you too."

_One thing I've left to do _

_Discover me _

_Discovering you _

**So what is there to say? Sex. They had sex. For the first time since they got back together they had uber hot make up sex. Out of the blue, not even talked about. Because they didn't know how to fully make up without it, they needed the sex. And it was amazing sex. And yes, there is still talking that should be done but sometimes other things talk for itself. And then there was an I love you. That Derek wasn't sure about but Meredith said it first. Nothing else to say.**

**I may update again tomorrow night, will definitely do so tomorrow.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	33. Chapter 33

**Disclaimer: I clearly don't own Grey's Anatomy. If I did...well Season 4 would be more like this fic and less like what it's actually like. So I clearly don't own it.**

**Sorry this has taken so long to get up. I've been uber busy. Crazy crazy busy with school and work and everything else. Life has just been entirely hectic and yes, very busy. So this has taken eons. Sorry for that. Very sorry. But here is an update now. Finally.**

**Enjoy!**

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"Meredith. Wake up."

Somehow that's what I woke up to the next morning. The post sex morning, the post a lot of sex morning, and we were certainly naked in her bed. Naked with the covers up but naked. And I woke up to the voice of Izzie Stevens in my bedroom. Or Meredith's bedroom but still, she was certainly inside the bedroom. Not that I had expected any better treatment. They had been barging in since day one.

"Come on, Grey. Wake up," Alex's voice filled my ears.

Great, both of them.

Meredith seemed to still be asleep; or at least ignoring her friends so I chose to keep my eyes shut. Because if she was choosing not to deal with them right now I certainly wasn't going to deal with them for her. Not when they didn't bother to knock at least.

"Mer…seriously, up now."

"Grey, ass out of bed."

I wanted to kill them; I honestly wanted to kill them. The door had been closed. It had been closed and it was probably before six in the morning as that's what time our alarm was set for. And they had just barged in unannounced and uninvited. To probably complain about something like no hot water or Alex not picking up tampons or something else that could have definitely waited until Meredith and I were out of bed and clothed. Unless one of them was bleeding heavily, preferably from the head, they had no reason to actually be in the bedroom right now.

Of course I had lost count how many times over the past year we had had this exact problem.

I hated that Meredith ran the intern residence, or residents residence now I guess. Her roommates were enough to drive the most sane of men insane.

"Mer, do not make me wake you up," Izzie threatened.

Izzie Stevens was the only person in the world that would barge into another person's room and threaten to wake them up.

"Sleeping," Meredith finally replied, her voice muffled by the pillow as she cuddled further into my body.

"Mer, you're not sleeping if you're talking," Alex pointed out.

"Was sleeping," my not sleeping girlfriend groaned.

"Well now you're not," Izzie reasoned. "And we need to talk. Now."

"Can we talk later when I have some clothes on?" Meredith asked, starting to sound more awake but still not moving from her spot against my chest. Her hand lightly brushed against my stomach and I knew she knew I wasn't actually sleeping. But there was no reason to actually share that with her friends.

"It's not like we can see anything," Alex sighed. "The blanket is covering you two."

"Beside the point," Meredith groaned and I didn't need to open my eyes to know she was glaring in Alex's direction.

"Actually the point is he walked in on me again. In the shower. I was in the shower and he just waltzed in like he belonged there. He saw me naked, Mer."

"Seriously?" Meredith asked, finally pulling away from me. I felt a woosh of cold air as she sat up, dragging the blanket with her and leaving my torso naked for everyone to see.

"I know," Izzie whined. "I was in the shower, Mer. The shower. I think I deserve a little privacy in the washroom of all places."

"Seriously?" Meredith demanded. "You just…you barged into my bedroom to tell me you deserve privacy? Seriously?"  
"Yeah," Izzie frowned, I could actually hear the frown in her voice. "I mean, you can't just walk in on someone in the washroom."

"I didn't see anything," Alex groaned. "I went in to grab my toothbrush, that was it. I was in there for five seconds."

"Out."

"What?"

"Out," Meredith groaned. "Get out of my room."

"What?"

"You two had a fight. And I'm sorry. But Izzie it's not my fault Alex walked in while you were having a shower. And Alex I can't stop Izzie from being mad at you for that. I own this house, it does not make you my mother."

I smiled with pride. The smile might alert her friends that I was awake but I couldn't help it. I had never said anything, I had kept my mouth shut and let Meredith deal with it how she wanted. But every single time I had wondered why she didn't say anything, why she never stopped to yell at them and demand that they stop barging in. She finally had.

"Mer...we just…" Izzie started.

"Just nothing," Meredith groaned. "But…you're not the only one that's privacy was invaded. If you missed it we're naked. And in our bed. You can't do this."

"Do what?" Alex asked.

I often wondered how some of her friends had managed to get into the program.

"Just barge in. This is my room and you knew Derek was here. You can't just walk in like you own the place when Derek and I are in here. We need privacy too."

"Meredith, we didn't mean…" Izzie started.

"I don't care what you didn't mean," Meredith snapped. "This has been happening forever. And if the door is closed that means Derek and I want to be left alone. We're a couple and get to be left alone sometimes. So out…now."

"Okay," Izzie sighed. ""But what about Alex…"

"Alex, if Izzie is in the shower don't go in," Meredith groaned. "Actually never mind. Derek and I will go get a lock for the door when we have time off. And while we're at it we'll get one for this door too."

"Mer…you don't need a lock," Alex protested.

"Yes we do," Meredith sighed. "And until then, try knocking before you come in. Now out."

"Fine, leaving," Izzie sighed. And I heard their footsteps retreating and the door being shut. "You'd think after a night of all that hot sex she'd be in a better mood," was the last thing I heard before the door clicked shut.

"You can stop pretending to be sleeping now," she sighed, falling back onto the bed beside me.

"That was hot," I laughed.

"I'm glad you think me telling off my friends is hot," Meredith groaned.

"It needed to be done," I shrugged, lifting myself up so I could look at her. "They need to figure out they can't just walk in like that."

"I know," she sighed. "I don't know why they think they can do that. We're naked, Der. Naked. And I'm pretty sure Izzie was checking you out. Not that I blame her, not completely but still checking you out. After barging in. We could have been having sex or something. Getting dressed. Anything. They can't just barge in."

"I know, Mer," I nodded. "We'll get a lock."

"We will," she nodded firmly, stopping mid nod to stare at me. "We had sex."

"We had sex," I grinned. "A lot of sex. Amazing sex."

"It was amazing," she giggled. "And a lot. But…we should talk."

"Talking is highly overrated."

"Der….we said we'd talk."

"We will," I nodded. "After we have more sex."

"Well…I guess I can deal with that," she laughed.

I laughed and pulled her close to me, amazed at how well her naked body fit against my own. The laughter died in both of our throats as she kissed me deeply and I slipped inside her, falling into a slow rhythm, entirely grateful to finally really be us again.

_Girl, there are really no words strong enough_

_To describe all my longing for love_

_I dont want my feelings restrained_

_Ooh, babe, I just need you like never before_

**So there we have it. And really...who hasn't wanted that to happen at one point or another on the show? Because her friends have the world's most annoying habit of barging into the room unannounced and it's kind of a miracle that they've never walked in on Meredith and Derek in the middle of the act. So yes, Meredith definitely needs to tell her friends off. And since I can do what I want in this fic...well, there we have it. Her telling them they just can't walk in and they can't expect her to fix everything for them. So yes, she told them off.**

**Depending on comments I'll try to update again later today. And I will definitely update tomorrow. **

**Read. Love. Review.**


	34. Chapter 34

**Disclaimer: I don't own the show. I'm finally updating when they're all not writing. Which should actually prove that I don't own the show, or I wouldn't be writing at all.**

**Sorry this took so long. I really don't have any specific reason just that my life has been busy and this kind of got pushed to the side. But here it is finally...an update. If anyone is still with me, lol. This update is kind of fillerish but it's a fun filler so yes.**

**Enjoy!**

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"Mer, we had sex. It had to happen eventually," I tried to reason with her as I grabbed my bag from the back of my car. It had been the first words I had gotten in edge wise since we had climbed into my car.

"It didn't happen eventually," she sighed as she grabbed my hand, walking with me into work. "It happened last night. We should talk."

"We did talk," I smiled. "Or you talked. Actually freaked out. But still, it was talking. We had sex. We love each other. It seems pretty simple to me."

"We're never simple," she frowned.

I stopped in my tracks, knowing I was in the middle of traffic flowing in and out of the hospital but not really caring as I held Meredith's hand tightly, forcing her to stop along with me. "Mer, breathe. What if, for just this once it is that simple? I love you, you love me, we had sex. It is that simple."

"Can we be that simple?" she asked, her voice quiet as she looked up at me, something different in her eyes.

It almost looked like hope.

"We can be," I nodded, beaming at her.

"Okay," she nodded, a tiny cute smile tugging at her lips. "And it's not going to explode in my face? Because usually, good things have a tendency to explode in my face. It's the pattern of my life, something good happens and all of a sudden bomb in the face. Or hand it was a hand once."

"Mer…rambling," I laughed, running my free hand along her cheek. "No exploding in your face."

"But it could," she said quietly.

"No," I shook my head. "Nothing is exploding. It's me and you babe."

"Did you seriously just say that?" she giggled softly.

"I did," I laughed, leaning forward and capturing her lips with my own, trying to hold back a moan as she gently slipped her tongue into my mouth.

"Well if it isn't my two favourite love birds," Mark's voice interrupted our kiss.

I groaned and released her lips but still pulled her close to me. "Mark, what the hell do you want?"

"You two are both late," he smirked.

"And why do you care?" I asked.

"Oh," his smirk widened into a smug grin. "Chief Webber got called away on a family emergency and since you didn't answer your phone and I was here he named me interim chief for the day."

"Seriously?" Meredith groaned.

"Seriously," he grinned widely. "And you're both late. Can we pause for a moment while I think of an appropriate punishment."

"Mark, we're five minutes late, you don't have to punish us."

"Oh I think I do," he nodded, crossing his arms in front of him and pausing to study both of us, our arms still around each other. "Oh too easy. You're not scrubbing in together today."

"What?" Meredith protested.

"You can't do that," I shook my head. "We spent all day together yesterday prepping this case, it's our case."

"I can do that," Mark nodded. "Shep, you don't need her. And everyone else seems to already be busy so we could really use Grey in the clinic."

"But she's…it's her case," I protested.

"Did I ask to hear complaints?" Mark laughed. "Come on you two. You're already running late. Get a move on it."

"I guess I'll see you at lunch," Meredith sighed, reaching up to kiss me quickly.

"Definitely," I nodded, leaning down to kiss her again. "Love you."

The words had slipped out of my mouth out of pure instinct. I was saying goodbye to my girlfriend, my Meredith and saying that had seemed to fit, to entirely fit. And it had slipped out, like it nearly had the night before. When she had said it first. But we had been in our bed, alone, post sex and saying it hadn't seemed quite so big and scary and real. But now there was a very good chance she could leave me hanging.

"Love you too," she murmured, blushing slightly before turning away and disappearing onto the crowded elevator.

"Love you? What was that?" Mark asked.

"It was saying goodbye to my girlfriend," I shrugged, following him to the main nurses' desk. "Who I do happen to be in love with."

"That's kind of disgusting," Mark shook his head at me.

"Or perfect," I shrugged. Mark was probably right. I had never been like this before. Even at the height of Addison and I, we never said I love you like that, so casually, to just say good bye to each other. But with Meredith, now that we were finally saying it and free to say it whenever we wanted, it was all I wanted to say. I wanted to follow her around all day at work and say it over and over again. Actually I wanted to stay in bed all day with her and say it over and over again. Definitely in bed. Last night had been amazing and today was going to be hell in comparison.

Especially with Mark as my boss.

"So you two are on steady ground?" Mark asked.

"We are," I nodded, grinning like an idiot. At least it felt like I was grinning like an idiot. "For the first time…ever, we are."

"That's great, Shep. I'm happy for you," Mark nodded, as we headed toward the elevator. "Do you think we could grab that fishing trip to New York now that you mentioned?"

"Oh yeah," I nodded. Okay, maybe I had completely forgotten about it. But I had been caught up in Meredith, and mainly in getting sex with Meredith. And last night had been successful. You can't actually expect a guy to be thinking of his kind of best friend at times like that. "We have to do that soon."

"How about next weekend?" Mark suggested.

"Works for me," I nodded. "I'll have to check with Mer, but I'm sure it's fine."

"You have to check with Mer?" Mark laughed. "Talk about whipped."

"Shut up," I grinned. "It's not whipped. I just can't take off without telling her."

"You would have with Addison," Mark pointed out.

"Meredith isn't Addison," I shrugged as the elevator pinged to a stop and we walked off. "So Chief Sloan, what do you want me to do today?"

"I should make you do rectal exams all day," Mark laughed.

"You do realize I have lives to save?"  
"Oh come on, Shep. If you do rectal exams all day I'll even let Grey assist you," Mark laughed some more. "Actually on second thought, I don't think the hospital needs you two around that much lubricant."

"And what makes you think we're even having sex?"

"I saw the way you two were down there," Mark shrugged. "You two were basically screaming sex. It was kind of obvious. Besides, at the current moment she's most certainly undressing you with her eyes."

I turned to where Mark's gaze was and found Meredith leaning against the nurse's desk pretending to look at some chart, her intern waiting patiently behind her. And her eyes were glued to me, a small smile tugging at her lips, her secret I want to fuck you smile. Mark was most certainly right. She was undressing me with her eyes, and apparently quite intrigued by it.

Our eyes caught and the grin tugging at her lips won and turned into a full smile and I felt my own grin widen.

"Definitely having sex," Mark sighed. "I don't even know if I should let you two have lunch together. Will I ever see you again?"

"Of course you will," I nodded. "We have self control."

"You just had eye sex across a crowded hallway."

"Eye sex being the keyword. We're not going to jump each other at work," I shrugged. "We've never actually had sex at the hospital, well besides that one time but we weren't actually working."

"Derek I don't want to hear about it."

"What do you think I'm going to talk about on the entirely fishing trip?"

"Great. Wonderful."

"And I'm going to need an intern or another resident since you took Meredith away from me," I pouted.

"Fine," Mark sighed and then grinned. "Want a hot one? I found one earlier that has…"

"You took the hot one away from me," I cut him off. The acting chief of surgery really didn't need to be heard talking about the assets of the residents.

"There are other hot girls besides Meredith."

"Sure there are," I laughed, walking away from him. "Just find me one that knows a thing or two about brain surgery."

"Whatever you want," Mark called back.

At least I think that's what he said. I was already heading down the hall in the general direction Meredith had disappeared after our shared smile, or eye sex, whatever it had been. Because I had raised an excellent point in my conversation with Mark. We never had had sex in the hospital while we were working.

There was a first time for everything.

_And I can't believe that I'm your man_

_And I get to kiss you baby just because I can_

**See, nothing but filler. Complete total filler. Meredith is kind of freaking out about the sex and Derek is just all happy and in love and could care less about all the details, just that it happened. And he's convinced that this time it can be this easy. And then they get to work and Mark's in charge as besides Derek he's really the only attending currently. So yeah…Mark is assish and funny to them and doesn't let them work together. Which only leads to Mark and Derek deciding to go fishing together and Derek still being all lovey toward Meredith. Which leads to him following her to find sex. Hehehe. **

**And as long as everything goes as planned this will be updated again later tonight.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	35. Chapter 35

**Disclaimer: The people who actually own the show are currently on strike. Which I support. I completely support. However, I don't own the show, or owkr for the show, so I'm not on strike with them.**

**So yes, this is me updating again. Soon after the last update. Yes, I'm a little shocked myself, not going to lie, lol. And nothing really "important" happens in this update but I feel the need to say that it is rated a little R. R enough that it might make this fic M rated but since most of the fic isn't porny I don't want to do that at all. But yes, this update...if you're uncomfortable reading sex, don't read it.**

**Enjoy!**

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"I'm going to need you to go prep Shepherd's patient in Room 4694," I heard Meredith's voice from my spot hiding in the closet.

"But Dr. Grey…Sloan pulled you off the case," her intern protested.

"Sloan's an ass," Meredith sighed. "Der…Dr. Shepherd and I worked all day on this case yesterday and Dr. Sloan playing chief isn't going to scare me away. Go prep the patient while I find Dr. Shepherd."

"Yes, Dr. Grey," the intern responded and I could hear footsteps echo down the hallway.

God, she was hot when she got bossy.

And she only yelped a little as I snaked my arm out and pulled her into the supply closet with me.

"Derek!" she hissed at me, the second her eyes came into focus in the dim light. "What the hell are you doing?"

"Pulling my girlfriend into a supply closet, what does it look like?" I smirked.

"Der… you can't," she groaned. "Mark's already trying to make our lives hell today, if he finds out…"

"It was his idea."

"It was?"

"Well…indirectly," I shrugged, kissing her quickly. "Beside I have to ask you something."

"Something that couldn't wait for lunch?"

"Well…umm…yes," I nodded quickly. "Mark and I are going to our fishing spot in New York next weekend. Is that okay?"

"Are you asking me permission to go fishing with a friend?"  
"Not permission," I shook my head, rubbing my thumb over the knuckles of the hand I still held. "Just checking. That there's nothing planned and that you're okay. I'm not sure how steady we are and I was just…"

"You sound like me," she giggled softly.

"I do," I laughed.

She giggled a little more before reaching up to kiss me quickly. "Go. Have fun. Make smores and do that manly bonding thing. I'll be fine here without you. Maybe I'll drag everyone to Joe's or something."

"But no getting drunk and sleeping with inappropriate men," l grinned against her lips.

"Oh I think I'm good with the man I'm sleeping with," she laughed, pulling back slightly. "Is that all you wanted to see me about, Dr. Shepherd?"

"I love you," I whispered, having no idea exactly where the words had come from besides the fact I needed to say them again.

"I love you too," she breathed, nestling into my arms. Okay, I hadn't needed to say it again; I had needed to hear her say it again. "So Mark Sloan suggested you pull me into a closet to ask me if you could go fishing and tell me you love me?"

"Well no," I laughed. "He indirectly suggested sex in the hospital, something about lubricant."

"We've never had sex in the hospital," Meredith sighed.

"I know we haven't," I grinned, winking at her.

"Der!" she gasped, pushing me away slightly. "We're…work…we have surgery in…two hours and Mark is chief and I have an intern. We can't just…we're in a closet."

"Excellent observations, Dr. Grey."

I pulled her close to me again and bent my head down to kiss her hard, my tongue immediately demanding entry into her mouth. She groaned softly as her hands moved to my chest. I was sure she was going to push me away but instead her hands fisted around my scrub shirt and pulled me closer. The kiss deepened immediately as I felt her body against mine. I wrapped my arms around her and rubbed along her back.

"You're not getting sex," she murmured as she pulled my shirt over my head.

"It feels like sex," I breathed as she rained kisses over my collarbone, dipping lower to run her lips over my chest hair. "Definitely sex."

"Definitely not," she protested, her mouth falling lower, her tongue sweeping along the flat planes of my stomach. I gasped softly as her hands undid the drawstring of my pants and pulled them over my hips, dragging my boxers with them, leaving me standing naked, leaned against the door.

"This…isn't sex?" I gasped, as she took me into her hand and forced me harder against the door, the cold the door a shock against my ass.

"Not sex," she shook her head, grinning up at me.

And all logical thought stop as she took me into her mouth. Her tongue teased my tip and I could still see the smile in her eyes as she looked up at me. She was damn good at this, but we hadn't gotten around to it the night before. I had missed it. She twirled her tongue around me before drawing me further into her mouth.

"Mer…" I gasped as she pulled back again, starting to suck harder, her movements picking up a slow rhythm of rocking her head back and forth. Her tongue glided along the bottom of my shaft and her movements started to pick up pace.

"God," I murmured feeling my knees start to shake.

I felt my cock hit the back of her throat as my own hips started to thrust against her, forcing myself deeper into her as her moan of pleasure reverberated around my penis.

The world turned black as I emptied into her mouth, smiling as she swallowed it all.

"What…what….was that?" I asked, my chest still heaving as I came back to earth, my body still trembling slightly.

"Living out a fantasy," she smiled, standing back up and pressing her fully clothed body against my sweaty naked one.

"A fantasy?"

"Well it actually involves an elevator but the supply closet worked," she giggled.

I cut the giggle off with a hard kiss, flipping around so she was now pressed between the door and me, her body soft and pliant under me. She tasted like me. And her. God, it was intoxicating. She was intoxicating. "Sex," I murmured against her lips. "We're having sex."

"No sex," she giggled breathlessly.

"Oh sex," I laughed, kissing her again, pulling back slightly as I pulled her shirt over her head, smiling at the black bra I had watched her put on this morning. I took it off quickly and took a nipple into my mouth as I worked on getting her out of her pants. "Definitely sex," I breathed against her chest.

"Derek…" she gasped softly.

"Mer…" I groaned softly, leading her hand to my already growing erection. "I want you."

"Okay…sex," she breathed, tugging her panties down over her hips.

I grabbed her hips in my hands and raised her up, keeping her back and ass pressed hard against the door. I pushed myself into her slowly, watching as her eyes widened with shock and then close slowly, pleasure etching itself across her beautiful features. The slow thrusts quickly picked up pace as I pushed her harder and harder against the door, my face buried against her chest as I listened to her heart beat hard, her breath come quickly. She moaned against me, demanding more, demanding harder and I gave it, as hard and fast as I could, smiling as I felt her tighten around me. She called my name as the orgasm ripped through her.

I followed close behind.

"Wow," she breathed as I put her back down.

"Wow," I nodded, pulling her sweaty body against mine to kiss her again.

"I think…I forgot…sex, I like sex," she giggled breathlessly.

"So do I," I laughed, brushing a kiss along her neck. "My office at lunch."

"Der…we're not doing this," she sighed. "We're not going to only have sex from now on. We said…"

"Meredith…I know," I breathed, kissing her quickly. "Office at lunch and then I'll take you to the diner tonight and maybe we can rent a movie."

"That sounds good," she nodded, burying herself into my arms. "I don't want to ever move."

"Neither do I."

"But we have work…surgery soon," Meredith sighed, pulling away and passing me my scrub pants. "At least I think soon. I lost track of time."

"Good," I laughed, watching her get dressed as I pulled my own clothing on.

"But this was…definitely fun," she smiled at me.

The second her clothes were back on and her hair was fixed I pulled her into my arms again to kiss her deeply. "I love you."

"I love you too," she grinned, kissing me quickly. "I could get used to this I love you thing."

"You're going to hear it a lot," I warned, laughing softly as I opened the door.

"Good," Mark said from the other side. "Now that you have that out of your system can we get to saving some lives?"

_When you get close babe - I still get weak_

_Cuz in these arms - is where you belong_

**So I have nothing really to say. Except for in this fic they never had sex at the hospital (yes, I know they have sex at the hospital on the show now...and well everywhere else for that matter) and I thought it was important they did. Because it's hot, lol. Really...no deeper reason than that. So yes, sex. And then a funny Markie line to tie it all up.**

**Might update later today...definitely something tomorrow.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	36. Chapter 36

**Disclaimer: I do not like Rose. I barely know Rose but I already know that I don't like her. Which says something. And if I owned the show it would mean that she'd probably be smushed by the rolling ambulance or something this coming week. Sadly, I don't own the show.**

**Sorry it's been a few days...if you read the one shot I just posted you will probably understand why. I was busy writing that when I should have been updating this. But here is an update. And it's kind of sort of filler but it's cute and funny filler so I am quite certain that it is all okay. **

**Enjoy!**

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"You should stay home," Meredith sighed, following closely behind me as I headed down the stairs at her house.

"Mer you are the one that told me I could go," I pointed out.

"No I…okay, maybe I did but I'm taking it back," she groaned. "Come on, Der. It's Mark. Mark who slept with your wife. He deserves to be blown off once. So we can go back upstairs and pretend we're not here. And he will…you really don't have to go."

"Meredith…"

"He really deserves it," she frowned. "He was an ass. He is an ass. He tried to get into my pants, did I tell you that? I turned him down but he asked."

"He's Mark," I shrugged.

"But still…blow him off. It would be fun. Really fun. Revenge even. You're a guy. You must love revenge. Revenge is really good. Definitely good," she rambled.

"Mer…Mer…" I sighed, turning around to grab her. "Not that it's not adorable but you need to breathe. Why the freak out?"

"Oh…" she frowned, looking down at the ground instead of at me. "I'm uhh… goingtomissyou."

"What?"

"I'm going to miss you," she murmured, not looking up at me. "I know its three days. And it's short and three days. And it's lame so you don't actually have to say anything…"

"I'll miss you too," I grinned, before dipping my head down to kiss her.

"You will?" she breathed as she pulled away, nestling herself comfortably into my arms.

"Definitely," I nodded, kissing her forehead. "Even if it's just three days. I'll miss you."

"Good," she sighed, wrapping her arms tightly around me. "But really, go. Go have fun with Mark and don't miss me too much. Go."

"You were just begging me to not go."

"That's before I knew you'd miss me," she giggled, resting her head against my chest.

I sighed and wrapped my arms tighter around her, breathing in deeply to smell lavender and morning Meredith. I had no idea why she was even up. It was five in the morning and she actually had the day off. But she was up and she was clinging to me as if she really didn't want me to leave. Months ago we had been together but spent days apart. Months before that we hadn't even been together. But now, weeks after we had started to figure this out, she was clinging to me because I was leaving for the weekend.

"I love you, Mer," I murmured, pressing a kiss on the top of her head.

"I love you too," she sighed into my chest.

I got the distinct feeling she wasn't planning on letting me go anytime soon.

Not that I minded all that much.

"You're going to go to Joe's with your friends," I pointed out.

"But you won't be there," she sighed.

"It's a weekend," I frowned, tilting her head up to look at me. "And I'll miss you like crazy but it's just a weekend. We need to both at least try to enjoy it."

"I know," she sighed. "But…sex."

"No, you don't get to talk about sex," I groaned. "I'm leaving. To go to the bushes with Mark. You can not talk about sex."

"Oh I can't?" she asked, smirking up at me. Before kissing me hard, her tongue quickly slipping into my mouth as she pushed me against the wall. This was most certainly her I want sex kiss. I had become well acquainted with it over the last couple of weeks. Except for now was really not good timing.

My shirt was half unbuttoned by the time I heard the door open.

"Is that all you two ever do?" Mark's voice interrupted us.

"Mark!" Meredith gasped, pulling away from me and trying to shift her shirt quickly to cover up the breasts that had been fully exposed.

"Mark," Mark smirked. "It's not that I don't respect it, guys. I do. I'm all for the sex everywhere, all the time. It's just…aren't you two supposed to some great cheesy love story? I didn't know cheesy love stories came with this much sex."

"They do," I laughed. "And we were just saying goodbye."

"Shep, that was more like a hello."

"We say goodbye in interesting ways," I smiled, kissing Meredith's cheek quickly.

"Well are you actually ready to say goodbye or is there some ritual or something?" Mark groaned, looking at both of us.

"I think you interrupted the ritual," Meredith giggled, leaning against me.

"And I think I'm good to go," I grinned.

"Should I step outside while you do something gross and couply?" Mark grimaced at us.

"No, we're good," Meredith laughed, turning to rebutton my shirt.

"Remember I'm not taking my cell with me," I reminded her, pushing her hair behind her one ear. "It's just me, Mark and the wilderness."

"I know," she nodded, giggling softly.

"Also remember, no sleeping with inappropriate men."

"My legs are closed to the second you get home," she giggled, kissing me quickly.

"I'll miss you," I sighed, running a hand along her cheek.

"I'll miss you too," she breathed.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

We kissed gently, letting the kiss linger slightly before I pulled away and picked my bags up off the floor. "See you Sunday night, Mer."

"See you," she grinned. "Bye Mark, have fun."

"Bye Meredith," Mark nodded before leading me out the front door, not pausing with me as I stopped and gave Meredith one last parting smile. She looked amazing. Her hair was a mess and she was wearing my Columbia tshirt and sweat pants and she looked breathtaking.

Hell I didn't want to leave.

I mouthed a quick I love you before disappearing through the door.

"Are you ready to do this?" Mark asked as I walked down the stairs.

"I'm ready," I nodded.

"And you lied, Shep, that was gross and couply."

**So there we go. Mark and Derek are off on their fishing weekend. And Derek and Meredith are entirely concerned about missing each other desperately. Because in the year they've been "together" they've never actually gone that long without seeing each other and now that things are finally going well...they hate parting ways. And of course Mark was all...Mark about it.**

**Will update tomorrow.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	37. Chapter 37

**Disclaimer: The people that actually own Grey's Anatomy gave us Rose for Christmas. Which basically tops the list of worst Christmas presents ever and I think we'd all love to return her. We can't. So me, who doesn't own Grey's, decided to give you this to make up for it.**

**Sorry! I know it's been ages since I last update but life got a little crazy with school and family and everything else. It's just been a whole bunch of hecticness. So I am so so so sorry. If you're still reading this, thank you for the patience. Thank you so much. And here is an update now. And it's a good one, or at least I think it's a good one. It's not Mer/Der...but it's Derek and Mark, which less face it...just as fun.**

**Enjoy!**

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I stared at the placid water in front of me and tried to pretend I was smiling, or at least enjoying myself. I was enjoying myself. I was in the bush, with Mark, in our spot. I was drinking beer, bonding with my best friend, catching fish, enjoying nature, I was having a good time. I was having a great time. I wasn't sad I came, I was happy. It had been definitely a good decision to come. With Mark. We felt like us again.

And I missed Meredith liked mad.

Sleeping beside Mark last night had been entirely wrong.

I missed her. I had been gone just over twenty four hours and I was missing her like mad. I missed the way she smelled, I missed the giggle, I missed having her there to talk to. It was lame and pathetic but I missed her.

"Shep, you look like someone just killed your dog," Mark sighed. "Actually you look exactly like you did after that bastard ran over Rex."

"Sorry," I murmured, attempting to smile at my friend.

"You're miserable, aren't you?" he asked.

"No," I quickly shook my head. "Not miserable. I'm having a good time, a great time. It's good to be out here again."

"And you're missing the little lady like crazy," he sighed.

"Yeah," I grinned sheepishly. "Don't worry, I know it's pathetic. I do. I just…I miss her. A lot."

"That is pathetic," Mark sighed.

"I'd love to argue that but yes, I am aware that this is entirely pathetic."

"What the hell has she done to you, Shep?" Mark sighed. "I remember when you couldn't wait to get out here. Now you're some pathetic sniveling man who can't be away from her. I get it, she's great. Really great. But seriously?"

"I wish I had an answer," I shrugged. "But…I don't know."

"You don't know?" Mark frowned.

"No," I shook my head. "Meredith is just…she's Meredith. And she's…I honestly don't know what she did. Or even when she did it. I didn't expect to miss her this much."

"Stop talking."

"What? Why?"

"It's sickening," Mark sighed. "I brought you out here to sit in a bush and drink some beer, be a man. Now I'm stuck listening to you snivel about your girlfriend."

"I'm not sniveling about my girlfriend."

"See this? This is exactly why I don't do that stupid relationship thing," he shook his head. "I don't want to be some girl."

"I'm not acting like a girl," I frowned.

"Yeah you are, Shep," Mark nodded. "Meredith is probably acting manlier than you are right now."

"I love her," I shrugged.

It felt good to say that again. I hadn't said it since I had left her house, our house, the day before. And even realizing how good it felt to say the words about her to someone else felt entirely lame. Mark was right, I was acting like a pathetic woman. If Meredith was here she'd be laughing at me. Of course if Meredith was here I wouldn't be having this problem. I should have brought my cell phone, why had I not brought my cell phone? I never did bring it camping but I should have made the one exception. Because I really wanted to talk to her.

"What's it like?" Mark suddenly asked.

"What's what like?" I frowned.

"You and Grey," Mark shrugged. "That love thing or whatever it is. You didn't have it with Addie. So what's it like?"

"Oh," I sighed. Mark wanted to know what it was like. Mark. The manwhore. Who had probably never even really thought about falling in love wanted to know what it was like with Meredith.

I didn't even know what it was like with Meredith.

"Come on, Shep, you know you want to go on and on about her," he groaned. "Spill."

"And you won't call me a pathetic wuss?"

"Okay..well…I will," he nodded. "But I still want to hear. I'm your best friend or whatever…just go."

"It's…perfect," I shrugged. "I know you want more than that…but with Mer, it's…I'm not sure what the words are. It just…it feels right. I'm doing a horrible job at explaining it. Because…I don't think you get this till you feel it yourself. But it just…I'm happy. Really happy. And, I don't even know."

"A…that doesn't make any sense and B you really are a pathetic wuss," Mark shook his head at me.

"You won't get it," I shook my head. "Not until you find it for yourself."

"I don't know if I want it for myself if it's going to turn me into a pathetic wuss," Mark laughed.

But something sounded off about his laugh.

"Mark?" I asked, pulling my line out of the water. "Do you want what I have?"

"No of course not," he shook his head quickly.

"You should know…that stuff doesn't work on me any more. Meredith is the expert at those kind of answers."

"I guess," he shrugged. "I mean…you and Meredith…it makes me think."

"Seriously?"

"Yeah," he sighed. "You're happy, Shep. Happier than I've ever seen you and I've known you a hell of a long time. It just…the way you two were when we left, all that love and shit shining in your eyes or whatever. It makes a man think, that's all."

"You're not happy?" I frowned.

"I didn't say that," he protested quickly. "I'm just not happy the way you're happy. Even if it's sickeningly happy."

"You'll find it," I nodded.

"Maybe," he frowned. "What if I don't?"

"Then you can spend the rest of your life living vicariously through me," I laughed. "Mark, seriously, you'll find it. She's out there. You're just going to have to stop being a whore."

"What?"

"Stop sleeping with everything in a skirt."

"That's…crazy talk," Mark laughed. "If finding that thing you two have involves that, I think I'll pass."

"Mark…"

But he cut me off. "Hold on…didn't you and Grey start as a one night stand?"

"Well…yes."

"And yet I have to stop having one night stands in order to find that?"

"Mer and I are complicated," I tried to explain.

"Save it, Shep," Mark sighed. "I'm not actively looking for…happily ever after. I was just wondering…just in case. I'd ask how you knew but I'd probably get an equally lame non answer."

"One morning…" I smiled. "We were in our spot, not telling you where it is…watching the sun rise over the ferryboats. She giggled, I looked over at her and I just…knew."

"That's sickening. Can we please change the subject now?"

"Fine," I sighed. "But while I'm thinking of it…we need to leave a bit early tomorrow. I have an errand I need to run in the city."

"I told you I am not going to see Mom, I don't need her giving me shit about the Addison thing…"

"It's not about Mom," I shook my head quickly.

And then shut up. Because I didn't want to tell him what the errand was actually about. It hadn't even been a planned errand but somehow talking to Mark I had thought of it and I was here. I needed to take care of it. Now. I had finally started to figure things out.

Just one thing left to do.

_If you knew how lonely  
My life has been  
And how long I've been so alone_

**So there you go. This update wasn't actually planned but was actually Mark in my head wanting to know. Because Mark's not just a manwhore, he's a manwhore with deep feelings. So even though he sleeps around he wonders what it feels like to have something like Derek has, something that is all about love and happiness that he's never really experienced. And Derek in my head felt strongly that he could go on and on about how much he loves Meredith and how much she means to him. So yes, that's where this came from.**

**I will definitely be updating tonight when I get home from work.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	38. Chapter 38

**Disclaimer: This update is one of those things that remind the general public that fanfic writers don't own the show. Because I've read this kind of thing in a lot of fics...and yet the people that own the show would never think to use it. Sigh.**

**Oh my dempsey, it's true...I am indeed updating again. Yeah, I can't believe it either honestly. But yes, another update. And this one is kind of big. Or will lead to something big. This isn't actually much more than filler but important filler, and I'm probably officially not making any sense so I will leave it at that. Thanks anyone who is still here reading!**

**Enjoy!**

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"Tiffany's? You dragged my ass out of the bush to take me to a jewlery story?"

"Yes," I nodded, staring at the store that stood in front of us. The big huge life changing store that until the day before I certainly hadn't planned on going to.

"Seriously?" Mark groaned.

"Seriously," I nodded.

"If you wanted to go to a jewelry store why didn't you just call one of the sisters?" my best friend asked. "Why the hell drag me?"

"Wonderful plan," I nodded. "I'm pretty sure the point of this trip was to get in and out without any of the family knowing. If I called a sister about this the entire family would know within seconds."

"You have a point," Mark nodded, staring at the store with me.

"Besides, you complained last time when I didn't bring you with me for this," I sighed.

"Last time…hold up, you're…"

"No," I shook my head. "Not yet, it's too soon. Way too soon. I'm just…preparing. Or something."

I hadn't come to New York for this; it hadn't even crossed my mind. I had come to New York to go fishing with my brother. That was it. That was all. And then I had stood at the lake and realized how much I missed her after being apart for two days. Two days and I was left aching with the need to see her again. It might be sad and pathetic but coupled with talking to Mark about how it was with her, it only led to me realizing one very huge thing.

If I wanted to marry her I needed a ring.

"Preparing?" Mark frowned. "You're buying a ring to prepare?"

"Yes."

"That seems…when are you planning on doing this?"

"I don't know," I shrugged. I hadn't been even thinking of this until the day before. "I guess…I want to marry her. I really want to marry her. So whenever it feels right."

"So like you and Addie?"

"Not like me and Addie."

Proposing to Addison had been a mistake. I had admitted that to myself nearly as soon as the words had come out of my mouth. And Mark was the only person who actually knew the truth behind the proposal. She had been harassing me for months about what our next step was because apparently marriage had been the next logical one. And finally I had snapped, I had been sick of the nagging so exasperated I had asked her to marry me.

We went ring shopping the next day.

Together.

Proposing to Meredith, whenever it happened wasn't going to be anything like that. It was going to be the complete opposite of that if that was even possible. It was going to involve one knee and the perfect ring, and cheesy declarations of never ending love. It certainly wasn't the next logical step. After everything we had been through I wasn't even sure if there was a next logical step. I just knew I wanted to promise her forever.

And today I wanted to buy a piece of that promise.

I certainly was the pathetic wuss Mark claimed me to be.

"Grey doesn't strike me as the Tiffany's kind of lady," Mark pointed out, dragging me out of my thoughts.

"Have you learned nothing from the sisters? Every woman loves Tiffany's."

"I don't know if Mer counts as every woman," Mark shrugged.

"She does," I nodded firmly. I had thought this all out last night when Mark was sleeping beside me. It kept me from missing the snoring too much. "Meredith wouldn't want anything flashy that screams that she's marrying a rich doctor. But she'd be perfectly happy with something from Tiffany's."

"If you say so, Shep," Mark shrugged.

"I say so," I nodded, walking into the store, Mark trailing behind me.

We poured over rings. They were too big, too garish, too not Meredith. Mark kept groaning with frustration. The sales lady kept smiling and asking me questions about Meredith, as if finding out about my woman would give her a better idea of what kind of ring I was looking for. Except for I had no idea what I was looking for as I didn't think I could find a ring that would capture my Meredith and how I felt for her.

"So have you two been talking about marriage?" the woman asked as she pulled out another tray of rings.

"Well not really," I sighed, shaking my head. "We…we've been together a little over a year and it's been complicated but we're figuring things out. We know its forever."

"Derek, please…act like a man in public at least," Mark sighed.

"No," the woman shook her head as I glared at him. "It's cute. Really cute. We get all kinds of guys in here planning on proposing. And you're…cute."

"Thank you," I grinned.

"This is our Lucida ring. It…" the woman smiled, handing me yet another ring to look at.

"This is it," I nodded, smiling at the ring. The stone was small. And yet big enough to make it clear that it meant something big. And it was simple. It would work into her busy life, it would work into our lives.

It was Meredith.

I felt Mark move behind me and swoop down to look at the ring I was now staring at. "I have to hand it to you, Shep, that is it."

"Are you sure, Dr. Shepherd?" the woman asked. "We have much fancier rings, rings that are more in the price range of a man in your position."

"No…this one," I breathed.

"Are you sure?"

"He's sure," Mark answered for me. "Derek…seriously, that's the exact kind of ring I pictured Meredith with."

"You pictured my girlfriend's ring?" I frowned at him.

"You buying it, not me man," Mark laughed, clapping me on the back. "Proud of you man."

"Thanks," I grinned, before looking at the woman again. "I'll take it. And I need it engraved."

"What would you like it to say?" she asked.

"Forever."

Forever. I was about to be the proud owner of a tiny piece of mine and Meredith's forever. We had talked about it vaguely. We had hinted at it. We both knew this was where we were headed. Except for we had never done anything to make it concrete. Until now.

Forever.

_I've got this vision of a girl in white_

_Made my descision that its you alright_

**So Derek Shepherd bought an engagement ring. And seriously go to the Tiffany website and check out the Lucida ring, it's gorgeous and exactly what I want whenever it's my turn. But the point is, he has the ring. Not that he plans on using it anytime soon...it was just a first step. A step Derek in my head insisted that he needed to make everything more real, to cement the fact that him and Meredith did indeed have a future together. So now he has that piece, that piece to say exactly where this is going. Eventually.**

**I hope to update later again tonight...comments might help, hehehe.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	39. Chapter 39

**Disclaimer: I have today off. I finally have a day off work and it feels good. Because with Christmas and everything...lots and lots of work. So is the joys of retail. If I owned the show I wouldn't be working retail. I'd be writing...well I'd be on strike but you get the point.**

**Another update!! Shocking, I know. And let me just preface this update by saying that I never meant to write this update. Ever. It wasn't the plans when I thought of this fic, but suddenly they were in New York and Derek insisted that this happens and that he had to come here, that he needed to do this more than anything and before he did anything else. So I let him have it.**

**Enjoy!**

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I didn't want to get out of the car. I wasn't even sure which had driven me to come here. I never actually came here. When I lived in New York I'd make excuses and do anything else to avoid coming here. And then I had moved to Seattle and it hadn't been an issue. But I honestly couldn't remember the last time I had voluntarily came here. And yet after finishing at Tiffany's, the little blue box packed safely in my luggage, it had felt like the next logical place to go before jumping on the plane.

"This is a bad idea," Mark sighed beside me.

"Why?" I frowned.

"Mom comes here all the time," he pointed out. "Like at least once a week. If we're avoiding her coming to Dad's grave is a stupid idea."

"Yeah, well, I needed to come visit," I sighed, getting out of the car.

"Can I ask again why?" Mark asked, following me through the grave stones. "Because I seem to remember numerous yelling matches between Mom and you about not wanting to come."

"I want to tell him about Meredith," I shrugged.

"So we're risking being caught by Mom so you can go on like a woman about Meredith some more?"

I paused briefly before nodding. "Yes."

"This is beyond stupid," Mark groaned as we reached Dad's grave.

Maybe it was but something had compelled me to come here. And looking at Dad's grave I couldn't help but be happy I came. It really had been far too long since I had been here. It always brought back memories of a rather painful childhood, but that didn't bother me too much today. My dad needed to hear about my Meredith. The flowers on the grave, daisies, looked fresh so chances are we had missed Mom's weekly visit. We were safe. This was good.

"Hey Dad," Mark said from behind me. He hadn't know my dad that long, only a year before he died, but he was such a part of the family it only seemed natural that he called him that anyway.

"Hey Dad," I echoed, moving to sit on the ground in front of the grave, staring at the name Michael Shepherd and the dates that were to close together. "Sorry I haven't been here in so long. I'm sure Mom's told you all about me moving to Seattle and why."

"That would be my fault," Mark cut in. "Sorry I slept with his wife, Dad."

"He's not sorry," I laughed softly, looking up at my best friend for a second. "But that's okay. Seattle is…amazing. I met someone. Meredith."

"And this is the part of the program where he turns into a girl," Mark sighed. "This I am sorry for Dad. I tried my best with him. But apparently he's a woman anyway."

"I'm not a woman," I shook my head quickly. "I'm just…Dad I love her. A lot. Like you loved Mom, I think. She's…amazing. She fits me perfectly and…I honestly don't even know what to say. I'm not good with words. But she's…I bought a ring, Dad. I want to marry her."

"It is a nice ring," Mark cut in.

"I know you wouldn't have liked Addison," I sighed, ignoring Mark's commentary even though I was thankful he was there. He had a way of making the situation seem less depressing. "Kath told me over and over again that you wouldn't have liked her. But Meredith…she fits me, Dad. It's like…she was made for me. I know…I sound like a woman, but I love her. A lot."

"I think I'm going to be sick," Mark sighed.

"We've been through a lot, Dad. But still…she's with me. I don't even really know why. It's insane. But she is. And I want her forever."

"She'd kick his ass if she heard him talking like this," Mark volunteered. "She really is something else."

"She is," I agreed. "Dad…I wish you were here to approve. And feel free to give me a sign somehow that you do. Because this…it feels right this time. I wish you could meet her. I wish you could be here to see our wedding and our kids…if she wants kids. I honestly have no idea. But really I just wish you could approve."

"You're seriously asking for approval from the grave?" Mark asked.

"I am," I nodded, before turning back to the grave. "I love her, Dad. And we should go. Because Mom has no idea we came home, and we really don't want her to find out."

"She wants to skin me alive," Mark explained.

"No she doesn't," I laughed, shaking my head. "At least she won't when she find out about Meredith and…god, I love her."

"Pathetic."

"Probably," I agreed. "I love you, Dad. And I'll bring her to meet you when I finally get her to come here."

"She doesn't do family," Mark sighed. "Love you too, Dad."

I brushed the grass off my pants and headed toward the car, smiling as I looked back at the grave. He'd approve. My mom had always told us that Dad just wanted us to grow up and be happy. Happy didn't even begin to describe being with Meredith. Dad would definitely approve.

**So he went to visit his dad. We never hear about his dad on the show, except for that one time when Nancy brought him up briefly. But I really feel strongly that Derek's dad dying really shaped the person that we know him as. He was the man of the house, he grew up with just woman around and it really made him into the guy he is. And I think it's really important that he keeps his dad part of his life, he tells him about Meredith. So there you have it.**

**Will probably update tonight.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	40. Chapter 40

**Disclaimer: I don't own the show. I know I dissapeared for a while but it wasn't because of a strike like the people that own the show had. And let's just hope the people that own the show never dissapear again.**

**Sorry this took so damn long guys. I started a new job and it has me working about 40 hours a week so I'm a hell of a lot busier than I'm used to being. It's just been a tiny bit crazy in my life recently. But here is an update finally. I hope you remember where we were (Derek was in New York with Mark) and I hope this update makes the really really long wait worth it.**

**Enjoy!**

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"Meredith!" I called, walking into house hours later, a huge smile stretched across my face. I was home. I was home with an engagement ring hidden in Mark's luggage as we assumed it would be easier to hide. But it was here. I had the ring.

"Derek!" Izzie ran into the entry way. "You're home. Finally."

"I'm home," I nodded, looking around the now crowded foyer. "Where's Mer?"

"Upstairs," Izzie sighed.

"Why is she upstairs?" I frowned.

"We don't know," Alex cut in, frowning back at me. "She went out yesterday without telling us where she was headed. And she came back, went upstairs and hasn't said a word."

"What?" I asked, running my fingers through my hair. "Shit."

"Shit is right," Cristina groaned. "She won't even bitch to me. She always bitches to me."

"I'll go talk to her," I nodded.

"McDreamy don't waste your time," Cristina sighed. "If she's not talking to me she won't talk to anyone. The door's locked and she won't even let us in."

"She hasn't eaten?" I sighed.

"No," Izzie shook her head. "I tried Derek…but…I have no idea what happened. Usually it's you but you were gone so obviously…"

"I'm telling you he could have still fucked up from a distance," Cristina groaned.

I glared at her quickly before turning to Mark. "I have to take care of this. Are you good waiting?"

"Yeah, man," Mark nodded. "Do what you have to do."

I glanced around quickly at the concerned faces surrounding me before darting up the stairs. Something was definitely wrong. Her friends were worried. And she had locked herself in her bedroom. Something was up and I had no idea what. She wasn't letting anyone in, she wasn't talking, she wasn't even eating. Something had gone horribly wrong in the few days that I had been gone for.

"Mer?" I called gently through the door, knocking on it softly. "It's me."

I was met with silence.

I wanted to break the door down. I want to barge in and demand that she talked to me and told me what was wrong. Because something was wrong and she wasn't telling anyone. She had to tell me. But I couldn't force my way in. She had to let me in. If she didn't let me in everything we had been working through would be thrown out the window.

"Derek?" her voice finally came from the other side of the door. Quiet but it came.

"Hey," I murmured to the closed door. "I'm home."

The door suddenly opened, so unexpectedly that I nearly fell right in. I had a second to look at her. She looked exhausted. She looked heartbroken. She looked worse than I actually remembered her looking in a long time. Probably since before we had finally figured things out. Before I could get more than a quick glance though she had collapsed into my arms and was clinging to me. Not just holding me like a girlfriend who had missed her boyfriend, but actually clinging to me.

"You're home," she murmured into my chest.

"I'm home," I nodded, running a hand over her hair, before pressing a quick kiss on her head. "What the hell did I miss?"

"I…I…" she gasped, as I felt her shoulders start to shake slightly. A tear soaked through my shirt as I pulled her tightly.

"It's okay," I murmured. I didn't even know what was wrong. I had gotten home expecting to be dragged up to our room for sex. I had wanted to be dragged to our room. Instead I got her sobbing into my arms. Which was fine, or it would be if I actually had any idea what had led to her sobbing in my arms. Not that it mattered, I was here regardless, but one likes to know what they're comforting their girlfriend for.

"Der…I…."

"Shhh…" I whispered, wrapping an arm tightly around her and leading her to the bed, our bed. Somehow going away for a couple of days had made everything feel like ours instead of hers. "Just let it out. Tell me later."

She murmured something that might have been agreement before climbing onto my lap, something she hadn't done since that time in my office weeks before. She cried softly, she had never been one for loud ugly sobs, but she clung to me, her hands in fists around the material of my tshirt that was quickly become wet from her tears. I didn't really care though. I rocked her back slowly, murmuring anything I could think of into her ear. It was hard to know what to say when I had no clue what was going on. But at least it was me. At least she had come to me.

Entirely.

"I…I'm okay," she hiccupped as the tears finally started to slow down.

"Want to fill me in?" I asked gently, running a hand over her tear stained cheek.

"Yeah," she nodded, before taking a deep breath. "My… my dad."

"What did he do?" I asked quickly, searching her eyes. "Did he hurt you again? If he…"

"No, no," she shook her head quickly. "He didn't do anything…he…I…I went and saw him. I forgave him."

"You forgave him? For what?" I asked gently.

"Everything."

"Mer…he hit you, and then he…you shouldn't have…"

"No, not that," Meredith shook her head. "For…everything else. For leaving me and not being a dad. All of that. I forgave him. Which is…insane and I don't know why I did but it's…you're right. I'm me because of him and what he did and yeah, I forgave him."  
"You forgave him," I breathed.

"I did," she nodded. "Am ...I…that was stupid, right?"

"No definitely not," I shook my head quickly. "It's actually amazing. And a hell of a lot more than he deserved."

"It wasn't for him," she murmured. "It…it was for me. I needed to because I…this it my life now and I had to let him go."

"Good," I nodded slowly. "Do you want him in your life? Ever?"

"I don't know," she sighed. "Maybe."

"We'll figure it out," I smiled, pulling her close again.

"I talked to Lexie," she suddenly said. "That was started this. I was…we were at the bar and Lexie was there with the interns and we talked. And she seems sweet and it made me think and yeah, it's because of Lexie."

"You talked to Lexie?" he asked.

"Probably another stupid thing," she nodded.

"Not stupid," I shook my head. "Just…try not to do anymore life altering things when I'm out of town."

"Probably a good idea," she giggled softly.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah," she breathed. "You…I really…I hate this but I needed you. I really just…I wanted you to come home. I was…it was big, Der. Good but everything and I just…I needed you home."

"I'm here," I murmured. "And next time I go fishing the phone is coming with me."

"Thanks," she sighed as her stomach growled loudly.

"You need to eat," I sighed. "Izzie said you haven't eaten since yesterday. So we're getting you something to eat and then you can talk all you want about your mess of a weekend."

"Okay," she nodded, climbing off my lap. "How was your weekend?"

"It was…perfect," I smiled. "Missed you like crazy."

"Missed you like crazy too," she sighed, kissing me quickly.

"Food," I smiled, grabbing her hand and leading her down the stairs. She was okay. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Or maybe it was but it was better now that I was here. That felt damn good even as I worried about her. But she really was going to be okay this time. She had taken a step. And she had turned to me.

"What are they doing?" she suddenly whispered to me.

"What?" I turned my head to find Mark and Izzie side by side on the couch, apparently in the middle of a deep conversation. "Oh. They're…talking."

"Does Mark talk to girls?"

"As a rule…no, I don't think so," I shook my head.

"Weird," she frowned.

"Very."

She kissed me again, a little longer this time before leaving to go sit in the living room with the other two as I headed toward the kitchen. She really was good this time. I had been terrified because she was Meredith. And last time a parent had upset her she ended up…well I wasn't actually going to think of that. But this was entirely different. She wasn't a ghost, she was my tiny Meredith who crawled into my lap and cried and then pulled herself together.

Every step we had taken had actually worked.

"Omelet," I grinned, handing it to Meredith as I walked back into the living room and handed her the plate.

"Thank you," she grinned, taking a bite as I sat down beside her.

"Ready to go, Mark?" I offered my friend.

"No," he shook his head. "I'm good sticking around here. Maybe I'll just crash on the couch or something."

"Okay," I nodded as Meredith climbed onto my lab, snuggling into my arms as she devoured the omelet I had pulled together for her. All I could smell was lavender as my gaze shifted to the movie someone must have thrown on. This felt good. This felt amazing. I was beyond happy to be home.

Her life could have crumbled again.

And yet she had come to me.

_Nothing in the world could keep me from lying next to you_

**So Meredith talked to her dad and it sent her into a bit of an emotional tailspin. That freaked her friends out because the new and improved Meredith wasn't even talking to them and yes, freaked out. But all she needed was Derek. And I thought it was really important that she had to turn to Derek at some point in this fic as I think one of their biggest problems in the show is that she never really turns to him. So she had to make the concious decision that he was the one that she went to for comfort and support and all those nice things. So there you have it. And Derek is happy.**

**The next update will be up immediately following this one.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	41. Chapter 41

**Disclaimer: Patrick Dempsey looked like sex at the Oscars. I do not own that man. I could only wish that I owned that man.**

**Okay, so nothing to say to introduce this update as I just posted an update and well same kind of thing. So this is completely and pointless filler but it's funny and happy and cute. So...**

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"Are you sure you're okay?" I asked again, as I pulled a chair out for Meredith the next day, balancing our shared tray in my other hand. "You're not just saying you're okay to make me shut up?"

"If that's what I was doing I'd obviously be failing miserably," she rolled her eyes at me as she slipped into the seat, taking the tray from me as I took the seat beside her.

"You didn't sleep last night," I pointed out.

"How...you...how?"

The actual question should have been how would I had not noticed with her rolling around in my arms all night, but I guess her stumbling how worked just as well. Besides it was cuter.

"I share a bed with you," I smiled. "You're not okay."

"I'm," she sighed, meeting my eyes head on. Which was certainly and not very Meredith like at all but I enjoyed it all the same. Quite possibly more. "I don't know, Der. I feel…iffy or shaky and my head is all full. But…it's, I think I'm okay. Or I will be or something. I feel better."

"Better better or better than last night better?"

"Better than last night," she sighed, leaning over and kissing me gently.

"Well I'm glad someone is," Izzie groaned as she slid into a chair across from us.

And so ends any us time that Meredith and I were going to have at work today. Which I actually couldn't complain about as we were in the very public cafeteria instead of my very private office. At least we had some how convinced them to stay out of our equally private bedroom.

"What's your problem?" Meredith frowned at her friend, grabbing half of the sandwich I had definitely grabbed for myself.

"I didn't get a wink of sleep last night," she rolled her eyes. "Someone was being too loud."

Okay there was a very good chance that it hadn't just been Meredith's very full head that had kept her up last night.

I may have had something to do with it.

At least some of it.

"Oh," Meredith blushed ever so slightly. "I'm umm…we weren't that loud."

"You were that loud," Alex laughed, sitting down beside Izzie. "You two sounded like you hadn't seen each other in months, not days."

"No they're always that loud," Izzie sighed. "That wasn't a welcome home thing."

"That's impressive," Alex laughed.

"Thank you, Karev," I grinned ignoring Meredith softly hitting my side.

"What is Shepherd thanking Karev for?" Cristina asked as she grabbed the seat next to Meredith's.

"Alex complimented Derek's ability to make Meredith scream literally all night," Izzie groaned.

"You two still do that?" Cristina asked, looking at Meredith carefully. "Aren't you supposed to be an old married couple by now or something?"

"We're not," Meredith shook her head. "We just…he had been gone and I had a bad weekend and…we weren't loud. We weren't that loud."

"You were," Izzie nodded.

"Sorry," I shrugged sheepishly.

"Nothing to be sorry about man," Alex laughed. "Most men would kill to be able to make their girlfriend scream like that all night. Especially at your age."

"What about my age?" I asked, trying to hold back the grin as I watched the younger man's eyes widen.

"Oh…I was just," Alex shrugged. "You're older and…"

"What are we talking about?" George asked as him and Callie grabbed two more seats at the table.

"Derek's inability to perform because of his age," Cristina grinned.

"Cristina!" Meredith hissed.

"Unless something has changed drastically in the last year I don't actually think he has that problem," George frowned.

"Nothing has changed," I sighed. "Still definitely not a problem."

"Can we stop talking about our sex life?" Meredith asked.

"Oh don't be so sensitive Grey," Alex rolled his eyes. "I'm really interested in knowing exactly what it is he's doing. So what is it?"

"He's not going to tell you," Meredith warned.

"Anyway I taught him everything he knows," Mark laughed, taking a spot in the only seat left at our table, right beside me.

"Sure you did," Meredith rolled her eyes.

"Exactly what does he know?" Cristina asked. "Not that I want to actually know but I do have to say my interest is piqued."

"I've never had screaming orgasms all night," Izzie frowned.

"That's a damn shame," Mark sighed.

"Are we actually going to get details?" Alex sighed. "Because if I'm being kept up all night with sex I'm not partaking in I want details."

"Have you showed her that thing I figured out in high school?" Mark asked me, smirking at my now blushing girlfriend.

This was ridiculous. We were sitting in a very crowded cafeteria in our place of work where we were all respected surgeons having a very open conversation about mine and Meredith's sex life. Our boss could walk in at any minute and hear this, our boss that considered Meredith like a daughter. An intern that considered us their bosses could walk up. Bailey could overhear us. This was stupid and ridiculous and bad. But Meredith was turning a very alluring shade of red that I hadn't actually seen before.

So maybe not that bad.

"No I actually haven't," I shook my head. "I actually forgot about it."

"How could you forget about it?" Mark frowned at me.

"I really don't know," I shook my head again before grinning at my best friend. "Of course I did show her that thing I figured out first year of college. You know when I…"

"Derek Michael Shepherd!"

"Did you just middle name me?" I frowned at my girlfriend.

"I did," she nodded. "We are not discussing our sex lives. No one is discussing our sex lives. They are closed to discussion."

"Actually I think you opened that discussion with all the noise last night," Izzie pointed out.

"She has a good point," I told Meredith, pretending to grimace slightly.

"If we have to hear it, we get talk about it," Cristina shrugged.

"We are not talking about our sex life," Meredith groaned. "And you don't even hear it, Cristina."

"Details," she shrugged.

"We're not talking about it."

I opened my mouth to protest but was interrupted by my pager going off. "And that's my cue to leave," I sighed, getting up from my spot. "Guys, lay off on her while I'm gone."

"Why?" Mark asked.

"Because I asked."

"Fine," Izzie sighed. "But if I don't get any sleep again tonight I expect some details."

"Fine," Meredith groaned, looking up at me. "I hate you."

"No you don't," I laughed, leaning over and kissing her quickly, dropping my voice to a whisper just for her. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"I'm fine," she rolled her eyes. "Go."

"Okay," I nodded, kissing her quickly. "Love you."

"Love you too."

"Where's my goodbye kiss and love you?" Mark asked as I pulled away from Meredith.

"Shut up," Meredith and I said in unison.

"So I'll see you later?" I asked.

"Definitely," she nodded.

I leaned over and kissed her again, letting my lips linger against hers as she let her fingers play through my curls. "Bye," I breathed.

"Bye," she echoed, smiling widely.

"I miss the messed up sad couple that had sex and nothing else," I heard Cristina mutter as I walked away.

I definitely didn't miss that couple.

I'd rather tell the entire hospital about our very active sex life than get that couple back.

I loved the new couple.

**So this update was completely and totally pointless and just a funny little scene to show how happy they are and there's nothing actually anything to say about it besides they're insanely happy and life is good.**

**I will update again tonight.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	42. Chapter 42

**Disclaimer: I am sick with a cold. If I owned the show I'd be having a doctor take care of me. Or well a fake doctor...named Derek. **

**So this took longer than planned, but when does it not? Hehehe. It's not nearly as long of wait as last time so I do think that's a positive. And nothing much happens in this update besides cuteness.**

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Her giggle was the first thing I heard when I stepped in Joe's bar. I didn't quite know how that was, as the bar was crowded and noisy but somehow that sound cut out everything else. Especially since I hadn't actually heard it too much this past week. Not that she was bad, she wasn't. She was doing great. But she was ever so slightly off since talking to her dad. I knew she was going to bounce back, I knew that, but still hearing her giggle was something.

"Hey Doc," Joe greeted me as I walked up behind Meredith and wrapped my arms around her, smiling at the smell of my girlfriend mixed with tequila. I wasn't quite sure why Joe had decided to nickname me Doc of all the doctors that regulated his bar, but he made Meredith giggle so tonight wasn't the night to ask.

"Hey Joe," I responded, smiling as Meredith leaned into me.

"Usual?"

"Please," I nodded to him, swirling Meredith around on the bar stool to face me, quickly kissing her. "Hey you."

"Hey," she sighed, wrapping her arms around me.

"What are you doing here by yourself?" I asked, trying to figure out if I wanted to let go of her and sit down or if I just wanted to spend the rest of my night standing with her hugging me close.

"People watching."

"People watching?" I smiled, accepting my drink from Joe and deciding to use the stool next to her but pulling it closer.

"Well I was people watching. At least I was but now I'm catching up with Joe. Actually now I'm talking to you."

"How much tequila have you had?"

"Two shots, idiot," she giggled, hitting my side gently.

"Just making sure," I laughed as I wrapped my arm around her, smiling slightly as she sighed and let her head fall on my shoulder. "Are you okay?" I asked.

"Yeah," she nodded, her cheek running along my shoulder. "Tired."

"Long week?"

"I don't know…talking to my dad, trying to bond with my sister, all the sex I've had, yeah long might be the right word," she sighed.

"Come here," I murmured grabbing her hand and guiding her off the bar stool, pulling her back against my chest, smiling as I felt her lean into me. "We can people watch together."

"Okay," she giggled as I pressed a soft kiss to her neck.

"So who exactly are we people watching?"

"People, Derek," she rolled her eyes, giggling softly again as her fingers intertwined with mine. "See that booth over there? Blonde?"

"Yep," I nodded, following her gaze.

"Izzie and Mark."

"What?"

"Yep," she nodded, grinning widely. "They came in together about half an hour ago and disappeared back there. According to Joe they're taking in hushed tones and giggling a lot."

"Mark's giggling?"

"Okay, Izzie's giggling," she shrugged. "Mark's laughing or something. Joe said they were couply."

"That's…odd," I frowned.

"Are you okay with it?" she asked gently, squeezing my hand.

"My best friend who happens to be a manwhore and your friend who seems rather sweet hooking up? No I don't have a problem with it."

"It is strange," she giggled. "Speaking of sweet, sickeningly sweet, Lexie is here somewhere."

"Did you talk to her?"

"Yeah," Meredith nodded slowly. "Briefly and just small talk. I'm not avoiding. Definitely not avoiding. I'm over that. I don't avoid, I confront. Not avoiding her at all."

"Mer…" I sighed, pressing a soft kiss on her throat. "It's okay to avoid her."

"It is?"

"Yeah," I nodded. "She's…your sister. Take this all at your own pace, avoid her when you need to. It's all entirely up to you."

"Really?"

"Really," I grinned. "And I'm the last person to lecture you…I went to New York and didn't see any family besides my dad's grave."

"You went to your dad's grave?" she asked quietly, looking up at me.

"Yeah," I nodded slowly. "I…I needed to tell him about you."

"Oh…" she breathed, a tiny smile tugging at her lips.

Silence fell between us as we looked around the bar together, me holding her tightly as she relaxed further and further into me. She didn't look as tired now, she looked more like Meredith, happy and relaxed. It felt good. It felt entirely good knowing that finally my arms around her was all she needed to look ever so slightly happier. Her life was still crap, I knew that. With the family, and the friends messes, let alone being a surgeon, but my arms were enough.

"Oh there she is," she suddenly said, gesturing to where Lexie stood near the dart boards. "Who is she with?"

"I think that's Karev."

"Seriously?" she frowned. "That's…strange. Really really strange."

"Are you okay with it?" I asked, echoing her question from minutes before.

"Yeah, no," she sighed and then shook her head quickly. "I guess, maybe. I mean, she's nice and Alex could use someone. So just…yeah, I'm okay."

"Okay," I nodded slowly. "You don't have to be."

"I am," she nodded, suddenly turning around in my arms to smile up widely at me. "As cheesy as it sounds…no matter what happens recently I'm feeling like…it will be okay. Maybe not great but...okay."

"It does?"

"Yeah," she sighed. "Just…I'm not alone. Even before when we were…things were a mess and I still felt like…but now I don't. I'm not alone. I have you. I'm getting used to having someone."

"Get used to it."

"I am," she smiled.

"I love you," I whispered, cupping her cheek softly, suddenly feeling like it had been far too long since I had last told her that, even though I knew I had said it that morning.

"I love you too," she breathed, before closing the gap between us and kissing me gently.

"You taste like tequila," I laughed gently, before kissing her again.

"Scotch, you taste like scotch," she giggled, kissing me.

The kiss deepened naturally as I pulled her body toward me, groaning softly as her fingers tangled in my curls, her tongue slipping easily into my mouth. I heard a soft mew come from her as I grabbed her ass and dragged her closer, rubbing her body against my growing erection.

"I think we should go home," I whispered, my breathing harsh.

She didn't answer.

She just grabbed my hand.

_Well I know that it's a wonderful world _

_From the sky down to the sea _

_But I can only see it when you're here, here with me_

**So that was kind of random filler and kind of important. It was random in that nothing really happened. Except showing that Meredith really is doing better now that she has let Derek truly and fully into her life. She's had a hard week, but just being with Derek at Joe's is enough to cheer her up in the smallest way and she likes that. That's huge.**

**Next update will be up momentarily.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	43. Chapter 43

**Disclaimer: There are no full sex scene on Grey's Anatomy which makes it safe for any age...nearly. I don't own the show. I do full sex scenes. Which means if you're not 18...don't read this update.**

**So umm...nothing to say about this update. At all.**

**Enjoy!**

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"Derek," she groaned, her hands fumbling the keys as she tried to push it into the key hole. "The door is never opening at this rate."

"Who cares," I murmured, pressing a kiss on her neck, running my hands along her curves. I loved her curves, entirely loved her curves. She was so tiny, so small and skinny and yet she had all the amazing curves in all of the right places, entirely perfect. I had discovered over a year ago that it was impossible to enjoy the curves and not get turned on. Not that I was complaining.

"I care," she giggled but still leaning further into me, moaning softly as my hands smoothes over the curve of her ass. Her entirely perfect ass.

"We could have sex here," I whispered, biting her ear gently.

"Derek Shepherd," she gasped. "We are not having sex on my front porch. People…there's people. I have roommates and there's cars. And no sex. No sex on the porch."

"You want to have sex on the porch," I laughed breathlessly, flicking my tongue where her jaw met her neck.

"Derek," she groaned, somewhere between protest and pleasure.

"Meredith," I echoed her, grabbing her hips and turning her around against my chest. She couldn't move now, besides the very tiny bit of squirming she was doing right now. Squirming that was doing nothing to help her situation. "I want you."

"I want you too," she admitted, a little breathless. "Inside."

"Right here," I order softly, running soft kissing along her throat.

"Derek…" she tried again, but I closed her mouth with a hard kiss. I pinned her back to the door, ignoring the sound of the keys clinging against the pavement as she dropped them. She tasted like tequila and Meredith with some chocolate mixed in. I had no idea where the chocolate came from but the concoction was damn addicting. I wasn't entirely sure that I'd be able to stop kissing her. I also wasn't entirely sure I cared if I could or couldn't.

Which might make surgery interesting.

"Mer…" I groaned into her mouth as she silently mewed into mine, now fully participating in the kiss as her hips rocked against me.

"Der…I…I need you," she murmured as my mouth left hers and wound its way down the column of her neck, alternating between kisses and soft bites. She had always been a fan of the soft bites. "Here."

"Here here?"

"Here here," she nodded, smiling up at me, biting her already swollen bottom lip gently. "Now."

"Mer…" I groaned, pushing my lips to hers again. It was a bruising force but I didn't actually care. I explored her mouth desperately, moaning softy as her tongue brushed against mine, her hips echoing the brush against my erection, that had grown far past uncomfortable in my jeans. My hands tangled in her hair, pulling her head up so my mouth could explore her jaw and neck.

"Now…I need…now," she murmured, her hands moving to the front of my pants and unzipping them quickly. She pushed them down slightly, allowing my erection to slip free and be brushed by the cool night air surrounding us.

I had never actually had sex outside.

Her hand tightened around my length, beginning to rub it gently as I kissed her one more time, my hands finding her hips and pushing her up the wall. I kissed her again as she wrapped her legs around me, letting me pin her to the wall. And I was grateful that for once she had decided to wear a skirt. It made this so much easier. I pushed her panties aside and thrusted slowly into her.

"Derek!" she gasped, her eyes growing wide.

"Mer…" I groaned, moving again, my hands holding her hips as I pushed slowly into her, my breath catching in my throat as I felt her tight wetness surround me.

"No,no," she shook her head. "I need…fast. Please…fast. Hard."

"Fuck," I groaned, pushing into her fully, hard and fast. I heard her grunt in pain and looked up expecting a grimace but instead found a satisfactory smile meeting me. I kissed her hard, my tongue demanding entry into her mouth, my lips bruising against her. I let my hips move how they wanted, hard and fast against her. She emitted a tiny grunt of pain every time I thrusted into her but never asked me to stop, to slow down.

"Derek," she gasped, biting down on my bottom lip as I felt her body contract around me as an orgasm washed over her. The sharp taste of blood hit my tongue but I didn't pause as I thrusted harder into her.

My hips moved quickly and sharply, as my hands dug at her hips. A small part of my brain knew that this was going to leave marks, serious bruises, and that we probably wouldn't be having sex again tonight but I didn't care. She climaxed around me again, her eyes going out of focus as pleasure cascaded around her and her hips bucked against mine, my body still demanding more and harder. She groaned loudly and I wasn't sure if it was pleasure or pain but my harsh movements continued, getting harder and faster as I felt my own body tighten.

I kissed her hard as I pounded into her one last time, emptying into her.

"Are you okay?" I breathed, as she collapsed into my arms, trembling slightly as I held her close.

"Yes…no…I…oh god," she groaned, holding onto me tightly. "I'm…oh…you…"

"I'm sorry," I murmured, rocking her gently, waiting for the trembling to stop. "I should have been slower, gentler. Sorry."

"No," she protested quickly, her voice slightly stronger as she looked up at me. "That was…amazing. Entirely…amazing. Just….sore. But good, definitely…glad you didn't stop."

"Okay," I nodded, hugging her tightly, sighing in relief as the trembling stopped and she started to feel more like his strong confident girlfriend resting in his arms. "Inside?"

"Inside," she nodded, trying to move but wincing in pain.

"Here," I laughed gently, as I swooped her into my arms and picked her up. "I've got you."

_I will love you _

_I will make you_

_I will take you_

_I will... fuck you_

_always love you_

_always love you_

**As I said...nothing to say about that update.**

**I'll try to update late tonight when I get home from work, which is around 11. If not tonight, definitely tomorrow.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	44. Chapter 44

"We should talk."

My girlfriend was insane.

I had no idea how she even managed it. It was the middle of the night, we were lying naked in each others arms, sated and sore from far too much sex. We should be sleeping. Or at least having more sex.

Instead she wanted to talk again.

"We can talk," I nodded, trailing light paths with my fingers along the length of her back.

"I think we should talk about Addison."

My girlfriend was insane and random.

We never talked about Addison. It was some unspoken rule between us. Even in the face of all the talking we were now doing my ex wife was never a topic of discussion. It was danced around, it was avoided at all costs, it just was never discussed. Addison had happened, Addison had ended, Addison now lived in Los Angelas and certainly wasn't part of our lives. At least she hadn't been until my insane and random girlfriend wanted to talk about her at three o'clock in the morning.

At least we had the next day off work.

"What about Addison?"

"Why did your marriage fail?"

"Because I was in love with you."

"Der…" she sighed. "You said…you said it was over long before you met me. Why was it over?"

"Oh…" I frowned, hugging her tighter. "We just…died. Or something. I told you I was absent and…"

"No," she shook her head firmly against my chest. "I know those answers, public Derek or whatever it is. I know, you told me. You told me a lot. But…I…one day I'm going to be your wife. At least maybe. That's the plan, right? I'm not just…I'm an idiot. You've never said and I'm assuming which makes an ass out of you and me and I'm stupid. Ignore me."

"Mer, we're getting married one day," I laughed gently, trying to ignore how happy the words made me.

We were talking my ex wife. Now was not the time to get all happy about the possibility of a new one.

"Oh…that's good and entirely not what we're talking about," she sighed. "You…you were married and it…that wasn't exactly a pretty ending. And I was just…why? What happened? Because if it…we have to make sure it doesn't happen to us because we're us and I want us to be…I'm rambling."

"How you have the energy to ramble at this time, I'll never know," I sighed.

"I ramble better when I'm tired."

"So you want to talk about Addison," I frowned.

"Yeah," she whispered. "I mean…if you want to."

"Yeah," I nodded quickly. "We're doing the talking thing now. That covers everything, including my ex wife and our messy relationship."

"Okay," she nodded.

"So why did we fail?" I sighed, chewing on the inside of my cheek as I thought for a second. I was going to marry Meredith one day. She was going to be my second wife and I'd have to figure out how to not have this one end in divorce. Because I couldn't loose my Meredith. I had even thought about what had gone wrong. I just didn't know how to put it.

"Was it good at the start?" she asked quietly. "Was it like us?"

"No," I shook my head firmly. "Well yes and no. Yes, it was good. I loved her, I was in love with her. I know that. But no it was nothing like us. I never loved her the way I love you. It never felt like this."

"Good," she nodded against my chest, letting me hear the smile in her voice. "What happened?"

"Life," I shrugged. "We met in med school and we were…entirely idealistic. I wanted to be an amazing neurosurgeon. She wanted to be…well exactly what she is. We were going to take the medical world by storm and I guess we figured that was reason enough to get married. Actually…the only reason we even got married was because it was the next logical step."

"That's not a good reason to get married," she murmured.

"I know that now," I nodded. "It won't be why I eventually marry you. But with Addie and I…I actually proposed to her to get her to shut up. That should have been the first sign it was a bad idea to marry her."

"But you did love her."

"I did love her," I nodded.

"How did…how did you fall out of love with her?"

"I don't know," I sighed, staring at the ceiling. "When we got married…I wanted a family. I wanted kids immediately, more than anything. Addison was ready to concentrate on her career and thought we should put off the family thing. I agreed. I could wait a year. And then a year became two and three. We got busy with our jobs and somewhere along the line I stopped asking about kids. I could only hear no so many times."

"Oh Der…" she breathed, running her hand along my chest.

"We got so busy with work we stopped being a married couple, or any kind of couple. One morning I woke up and it just felt…over. When I found her with Mark…I don't actually remember the last time we had slept together, or even really touched each other."

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"Don't be," I shrugged, pressing a kiss on top of her head. "It turned out pretty well for me."

"You did," she nodded, letting silence fall over us as she rested in my arms, breathing softly against my chest.

"I don't regret going back to her," I admitted quietly, even though I wasn't sure that she was even still awake.

"You don't?"

"No," I shook my head. "I hated how I hurt you. I hated not being with you. It was months of pure hell."

"It was," she sighed.

"But I needed the closure," I breathed. "I needed closure with Addison before you. I needed to know I had tried as hard as I could before I actually quit my vows. And I definitely needed to figure out what went wrong, so it doesn't happen to us."

"Closure is good," she whispered.

"It is," I sighed. "If I hadn't tried again with her I don't know how we'd have ended up but I don't think it would have been this good. I might have messed it up again."

"Fine, I'm glad you tried again too," she sighed, sounding like she was somewhere on the edge of laughing.

"You don't have to be," I laughed gently. "I really did hate not being with you."

"So did I," she sighed, moving around in my arms to press a quick kiss against my sore and swollen lips. "I love you."

"I love you too."

She settled back against my chest, nestled in slightly closer as her breathing slowed. I ran my fingers through her hair and smiled as she groaned softly, obviously half asleep already. I loved this the most. After the sex, after the talking, after everything, just her falling asleep tucked in my arms. It was quite possibly the best feeling in the world. I was happier than ever laying here in bed with her. I was warm, comfortable and safe.

Safe.

I felt safe in her arms.

That's why she wanted to talk at these times, when we had tired ourselves out with sex and the day was done and it was just us. Because she felt safe.

That felt damn good.

_I watch you sleeping, your body touching me_

_There's no doubt about it, this is where I want to be_

_You know it's so ironic, I had to lose to win._

**So one of my many annoyances with the show (which I still totally love despite the annoyances) is that Meredith and Derek have never discussed the whole Addie thing, unless you count Meredith yelling at him about it in 4.11. And I really think it's an issue that they need to talk about before they can actually be happy and healthy together. So they talked about it. They talked about what went wrong and why he took her back. And I do think it was good he did. He needed that closure.**

**Next update will be up momentarily.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	45. Chapter 45

**Disclaimer: I am the sick. If I owned the show Derek could nurse me back to health.**

**So this would be more filler. Which I swear this filler is going to go somewhere but I'm just building to that. So enjoy the filler. Or at least try to because there's a couple more bumps before this is all done.**

**Enjoy!**

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"Meredith!" I whined the next morning, leaning oveSor my sleeping girlfriend. Who wasn't fooling me at all. She wasn't my sleeping girlfriend, she was my pretending to be sleeping girlfriend.

"Sleeping," came her mumbled reply.

"You're not sleeping," I laughed, pressing a quick kiss on her neck. "Get up."

"I'm sleeping."

"You're talking."

"People talk in their sleep all the time," she grinned, her eyes still firmly closed. "Sleep talking. People sleep talk."

"You don't sleep talk."

"Just developed it. Better than snoring."

"That's another thing…if you were sleeping you'd be snoring."

"I talk now…I can go back to sno…Derek!" she gasped as I wrapped my arms behind her back and effortlessly swung her off the bed and up against my chest. She giggled loudly, wrapping her legs and arms around me, clinging to me as I carried her from the bed. "I was sleeping."

"Now you're not," I laughed, grateful that she had pulled on some clothes when she had gotten up to go to the washroom. Not that I was sure her shorts and one of my shirts counted as clothes but it would have to do. "We're going downstairs."

"Why?" she asked, still giggling against my neck.

"I'm making you breakfast," I explained, carrying her into the hallway.

"I like breakfast," she giggled.

"What is with the giggling?"

"I'm happy," she shrugged in my arms as we started to head down the hall. "I'm sore and tired and entirely happy. I'm…I don't actually think I've ever been this happy before. It's amazing and scary and really amazing. I'm happy."

"I'm happy too," I breathed, turning my head for my lips to meet hers.

She deepened the kiss slightly, groaning softy as I slipped my tongue into her mouth. "I love you," she whispered as she pulled her head back and rested it on my shoulder.

"I love you too," I smiled, carrying her the rest of the way down the stairs. Not that I needed to. She was awake. She was happy. I had promised her food. Food was a guaranteed way to get my entirely tiny girlfriend anywhere you wanted her. But this carrying thing worked out well for me anyway. I loved holding her like this. It reminded me of sex against the door the night before, and then sex against the wall in the hallway. She had been entirely insatiable. And now she was against me again, her legs wrapped around me and I briefly wondered if she was the only insatiable one.

Oh well, we could have sex on the kitchen table.

That would be a fun and new experience.

"I want you again," she whispered as we arrived in the kitchen, her thoughts echoing mine.

Which might have something to do with my erection rubbing against her.

"I want you too," I breathed, depositing her on the kitchen table.

Sex first, food later.

She grabbed my shirt and pulled me to her, kissing me hard. Her lips were still swollen from the hungry kisses the night before, but that didn't actually seem to bug her as she slipped her tongue in my mouth, pulling me even closer as she let her hips rub against my erection.

"The kitchen table? Nice one, Shep," Mark's voice ripped through my brain.

"What?" I breathed, pulling away from Meredith slightly, still holding her against my erection. Mark and Izzie stood there. Mark smiling at me like he had never been prouder, Izzie looking more than a little perturbed. Not that I blamed her. "What…what are you doing in my kitchen?"

"I eat off that table," Izzie frowned.

"What are you doing in my kitchen?" I asked again, deciding to ignore Izzie's slightly obvious observation and Meredith hiding her face against my chest.

"This isn't your kitchen," Mark shrugged.

"It's his kitchen," Meredith replied, her head coming out of hiding. "The trailer isn't livable anymore, so this is his kitchen."

"Thank you, Mer," I grinned, kissing her head quickly.

"Whatever," Mark rolled his eyes as he started opening and closing cupboards, pausing suddenly as he pulled my box of Muesli out of one. "Apparently this is Shep's kitchen. No one else actually eats this shit."

"He helps with groceries," Meredith giggled lightly.

"Grey, that doesn't mean you should support his disgusting habits."

"He gives me hot sex."

"On the kitchen table apparently," Mark laughed, pulling a box of Honeynut Cheerios out of the cupboard.

"They don't actually have sex on the kitchen table," Izzie said quickly. "Right guys, that was…you don't actually do that do you?"

"Maybe," Meredith smirked.

"No Izzie," I laughed, hitting Meredith's arm gently. "That definitely would have been a first."

"Thank god."

I sighed and watched Mark, who was now clearly searching for a bowl. "Sloan, don't hurt yourself. I'm making breakfast."

"Omelets?" he asked, looking at me hopefully.

"If you get out of my cupboard and help," I shrugged, kissing Meredith quickly before finally pulling away from her and heading toward the fridge to pull out ingredients and hand them to Mark. Who was very strangely in my kitchen. Not that we weren't friends. But my plans had gone from having sex on the kitchen table with my hot girlfriend to making breakfast with my annoying kind of brother.

"Exactly what is he doing here?" I heard Meredith ask Izzie.

"Well…we were at Joe's and there was talking and drinking and laughing and I was drunk and then I woke up and he was in my bed," Izzie responded quietly, obviously not wanting me to hear her and failing at it.

"Izzie Stevens!" Meredith hissed. "McSteamy? Seriously?"

"You're sleeping with McDreamy. Loudly I might add. And on my kitchen table."

"It's my table. And I'm madly in love with McDreamy."

I couldn't actually get tired of hearing that.

The madly in love with part, not the McDreamy part.

"We were drunk," Izzie argued. Except for that wasn't an argument. Because I knew Mark. He was definitely a screw them and leave them. He was like Meredith had been, minus the shower line. He just disappeared. He definitely never showed up in the kitchen the next day looking through the cupboards for something to eat. But I didn't actually think Izzie needed to know that right now.

"Good excuse," Meredith rolled her eyes, looking at me quickly. Her eyes screamed that she knew was something up.

That was my girl.

"We'll just sneak you out," Alex's voice came from the hallway. "No one has to know…crap."

"Crap is right," Meredith murmured.

I looked up to see what she was looking at, hearing the frown in her voice that had been missing all morning. And found Alex's hand resting firmly on Lexie's back, as he apparently tried to guide her out of the house.

"Oh umm…Meredith…hi," Lexie greeted, trying to look cheerful and looking more embarrassed than anything.

"Hi Lexie," I greeted. "Hi Alex."

"Shepherd," Alex nodded in greeting. "Izzie, Mer, Sloan…Sloan?"

"Long story," Meredith rolled her eyes before looking at me.

"Long very awkward story," Mark smirked, watching Alex look between him and Izzie carefully.

This was bad. This was incredibly bad. I glanced quickly at Meredith and found her staring at me, her eyes screaming at me to help. And I wanted to help. Except for Lexie was looking between Meredith and I like she was going to explode. And Mark was staring at Alex like he wanted to kill him for no explainable reason, and Alex was looking between Izzie and Mark in the exact same way. And Izzie looked kind of like how I felt. So I wasn't quite sure how Meredith expected me to help with this. I had no idea how to make this better.

"You two can stay if you want," Meredith suddenly said, looking away from me and at them. "I mean…Derek and Mark…oh umm…Dr. Sloan are making omelets and umm stuff and there's coffee and the kitchen is already full and we never actually have breakfast but we are today because Derek and yeah, you two can stay if you want."

Okay, that certainly hadn't been anywhere near my idea to make this better.

Not that I had an idea. But if I did. That wouldn't have been it.

"We don't have to," Lexie sighed. "I mean, Alex can. Of course Alex can, he lives here and he can stay for breakfast. I just, I don't have to be. I work in a few hours and I definitely don't have to be here. Just enjoy yourself…and yeah…"

So she was a Grey.

"No, no," Meredith said quickly, jumping up to join me where I stood at the counter. "Right Derek?"

"Right," I nodded, letting her wrap her arms around me. "We have enough food to go around."

"Okay," Lexie said, slowly making her way into the kitchen.

"This is bad," Meredith whispered in my ear.

I swung around, wrapping my arms around her and pulling her in close. "You're the one that suggested it."

"I was…it just slipped out," she murmured into my ear.

"Apparently," I laughed softly, kissing her gently. "You can do this."

"We can do this," she corrected, leaning into me. I smiled and hugged her ever so more tightly, running my fingers gently through her hair. She looked up and kissed me again and for a second I entirely forgot that her roommate had slept with my best friend and her other roommate had slept with her half sister. And that all of these people were in our kitchen when I had fully planned on just having sex with my girlfriend and making her breakfast.

"Are they always like that?" Lexie's voice interrupted our kiss.

Almost forget they were there.

"Yes," Mark answered.

"No," Izzie answered at the same time.

"They weren't always like this," Alex explained. "And then something happened and I don't even know what but now they're like that."

"All the time," Izzie sighed.

"But at the hospital…" Lexie frowned.

"They put on the entirely professional act most of the time," Mark grinned. "But the second they're alone…it's this. Constantly. It's kind of disgusting."

"Oh…" Lexie breathed.

I could feel her eyes on us. I could feel all of their eyes on us but I didn't bother moving. Because Meredith smelled like lavender and me and her and sex all rolled into one and her body felt perfectly molded to mine. And I had no idea to move from this spot ever. Or even look at the other people in the room. I just wanted to hold her.

Which felt entirely random as we had been good for weeks now, but still, I wanted to hold her.

Forever.

"So that's enough of the Meredith and Derek show to last a lifetime. Who wants omelets?" Mark asked.

_I have lost my illusions_

_I have drowned in your words_

_I have left my confusion to a cynical world_

_I am throwing myself at things I don't understand_

_Discover enlightenment holding your hand_

**And yes, this was complete and total filler to show their happiness even in the face of some insanity. And that was basically it, nothing else to say. And don't worry, the two ships in the update are just some fun to play with and aren't actually going to be really worked into this fic. **

**I will update again tomorrow...or maybe later tonight.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	46. Chapter 46

**Disclaimer: Shonda has said she has plans to get Meredith and Derek back together and actually have them be a couple and work on being a couple. This settles it. She can continue to own the show and I can own fanfic.**

**Sorry this was a couple of days but I don't think it's been too long of a wait for yay for that. And there's hints of dun dun dun in this update, it's not as fillerish as it's leading to things but still...don't worry too much. **

**Enjoy!**

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The Grey sisters were having lunch.

Meredith and Lexie were sitting together and having lunch and talking. Well, they were talking. They didn't look like they were about to break out a guitar and start singing kumbaya. But it didn't look like World War three was about to break out either. It was somewhere in between. I figured somewhere in between was pretty damn good all things considered.

And Meredith looked happy. Maybe a little on the twitchy side, but still relatively happy.

She was amazing. Entirely amazing. I wasn't exactly sure what had happened over the last couple of months but she wasn't the girl I fell in love with. Actually she was. But better or something. Better wasn't the right word even, she was just different, strong, more resilient. She had gone from being dark and twisty and avoiding to sitting with the sister she didn't know, smiling and looking like just maybe she really was giving the bright and shiny thing a go. This is what I had always wanted for her, I wanted her to be happy, entirely happy. And she was. Or at least she was working on it. My beautifully flawed Meredith was happy.

"Stop staring," Bailey's voice harshly broke into my thoughts.

"I'm not staring," I protested gently, knowing that it was a right out lie. I was definitely staring.

"Fine, you're not staring," Bailey rolled her eyes. "If you insist on staring at least have the decency to keep your mouth closed. This is a hospital, not a meat market."

"My mouth wasn't open," I frowned.

"It was open, you fool," Bailey groaned. "And what has gotten into you. You're staring at the girl like you've never seen her before."

"I bought a ring."

"You did what?"

"I bought an engagement ring," I breathed, feeling the smile stretch across my face.

"You bought the girl an engagement ring?"  
"I did."

"What did you do that for?" Bailey asked, in a voice that made it quite clear she wanted to add an idiot somewhere in that sentence.

"Excuse me?"

"You…Derek, I know you love her. I know you're happy. She's happy. But you haven't even been divorced a year. And a couple of months ago you two were a big miserable. Are you sure you're ready for that?"

"Oh we're definitely not ready," I shook my head, catching the look Bailey was giving me. A look that clearly said that if I didn't elaborate soon she was going to call me an idiot. "I went fishing with Mark. And the entire time I missed her so much that it hurt. I had to do something."

"And something was buy a ring?"

"We were in New York," I shrugged. "And suddenly, I had to cement it to myself. I needed something to say that it's real this time. So I bought a ring. When the time comes…I'll be ready."

"Most people buy the ring when the time comes," Bailey pointed out.

"This was I can be more spontaneous," I grinned.

"You mean you're not planning some huge over the top McDreamy proposal?" Bailey asked, rolling her eyes slightly at the thought.

"Is she the kind of girl that would like that?" I asked.

"How am I supposed to know?" Bailey frowned. "Last year I would have said no. Of course last year I would have never expected to see her giggling with the half sister she ever knew or doing half the things she's done recently. She's changed."

"She has," I nodded.

"You're good for her," Bailey smiled.

"It's not me," I quickly denied. "Mer's just…she's a fighter. She's had a tough go at things but she's…I had nothing to do with this. She'll always end up on top, it's just who she is."

"Shepherd, don't be an idiot. Yes, Meredith got this far without you. Yes, she would have ended up on top regardless. But that…you had a lot to do with that."

"Maybe," I shrugged, watching Meredith frown slightly as she looked at her pager that had obviously gone off. She smiled a quick goodbye and headed toward us, her smile widening as she got closer. "Dr. Bailey. Dr. Shepherd."

"Dr. Grey," I smiled in greeting.

"You're both fools," Bailey sighed.

Meredith giggled slightly before turning back to me. "You could have come and sat with us instead of staring the whole time," she grinned, reaching out to grab my hand.

"I thought you could use some alone time," I shrugged. "How was it?"

"Nice," she said slowly.

"Awkward?"

"Extremely," she sighed. "And now I have to go scrub in with Mark. I'll tell you about it later."

"Okay," I nodded, leaning forward to kiss her quickly. "Drinks at Joe's?"

"Hmm…" she frowned. "Not tonight. Rent a movie on your way home and grab something yummy to make me."

"Sounds good," I nodded.

"Okay," she grinned, kissing me again quickly. "Bye Derek. Bye Dr. Bailey."

And then she was gone again.

"She's happy," Bailey nodded.

"She is happy," I smiled widely. "We're both happy, which is a little terrifying but I'll take it."

"How is happy terrifying?"

"Because it's never lasted for us before," I sighed. "I wake up with her curled in my arms every morning and can't help but wonder when the hell the other shoe is going to drop. This seems too easy. We never get easy"

"It's not easy, you worked your asses off to get to where you are, more than most couples. And yes, right now it's great and yes that's not going to last but it's pretty simple…do you love her?"

"Yes. Entirely."

"Does she love you?"

"Yeah, she does," I breathed.

"When things get hard, you cling to that," Bailey shrugged. "Nothing else matters in bad times, just cling to that. Just hold onto the fact you love her."

"I do love her," I nodded.

"I know," Bailey smiled as her pager went off. "And with that I have to go. Be good to her so I don't have to hurt you."

"If I get that threat one more time…"

"You deserve it," Bailey shook her head, before disappearing down the hall.

I probably did deserve it after all the headaches I had caused before. But there weren't headaches this time. There was smiled and nights spent cuddling on her couch and watching movies. I still wasn't quite sure how we had gotten to this point and I was terrified. Entirely terrified. But I loved her. And I was clinging, no matter what happened I was clinging.

Because Meredith was happy.

We were happy.

_Save the rainy days_

_For another time_

_I'm just here to say_

_Read between the lines_

_I'm so glad that you're mine_

_Cause you make me happy_

**So I'm quite aware of the fact that that was very dun dun dun at the end there. And there is a reason for that but don't worry too much because they are happy and they are in love. And that's what matters. Meredith is slowly working through a lot of her issues and Derek is happy and in love with her and who she's becoming. So don't try to stress about the dun dun dun. I swar it's okay.**

**Next update will be up in a few minutes.**

**Read. Love Review.**


	47. Chapter 47

"I hate her."

I looked up to find my beautiful girlfriend standing in the door of my office and immediately found myself grateful that she had said her. Because her face was kind of red, and her nose was doing that scrunchy thing, not the adorable one, the frightening one and her chest was heaving in anger. I was definitely grateful the anger wasn't directed toward me.

And taking a mental note to never piss her off this bad.

"Who?" I asked.

"Cristina," she rolled her eyes before looking at me. "What are you doing?"

"Oh umm…relaxing," I shrugged.

"Seriously? Seriously?" she frowned. This was bad. Turning her anger onto me was definitely not a good thing. "You're girlfriend, the love of your life whatever that means is having a mental break down and you're relaxing? I'm out there, getting stomped on and you're chilling on your couch reading a magazine. Seriously?"

"I'm not…" I frowned, wondering how to get out of this one alive. "I didn't know you were being stomped on."

"You didn't know?" she groaned, rolling her eyes at me. "You're…you are supposed to be my soulmate. Soulmates are supposed to know. I mean…it's a stupid idea, soulmates are a stupid idea. Really stupid. But since I'm apparently stuck with one you'd think you'd at least know I was being stomped on."

"Mer…what did I miss?"

"Cristina. She's…she's driving me insane. I mean…why can't I be happy? I'm happy. And my life…it's good, Derek. Amazingly good and I'm not at all used to my life being good. But it's really good and Cristina is…she's miserable and she just…she wanted me to be miserable. She isn't…and I don't know…it's, I wish she should shut up. I wish she would just…she's supposed to be my person. Shouldn't she be happy my life is finally going right?"

"Mer…what did she say?" I sighed.

"She said…and it's just…she's driving me crazy. She's miserable…and was I that annoying when I was miserable?"

"You kind of avoid me when you're miserable as it's usually my fault," I pointed out gently, not really wanting to remind her of that right at the moment. It was probably not a good thing for her to be thinking about.

"She asks me questions, stupid stupid questions and she gives me looks and it's like…she's mad so I can't be happy and I can't," Meredith groaned, pausing to take a deep breath, letting her eyes finally meet mine.

"You're cute when you're mad," I grinned since she was finally noticing it.

"Derek!" she groaned. "Trying to be…mad here."

"I know," I nodded, pulling myself off the couch and walking toward her. "You're just pretty cute about it."

"Seriously?" she rolled her eyes. "I'm…mad. And Cristina is…she's supposed to be my person and she's…driving me insane with her anti-Derek non anti-Derek campaign."

"Anti Derek non anti-Derek campaign?" I asked, bring my hands to rest on her hips.

"Yes," she nodded firmly. "She's all…she won't insult you. She doesn't say anything about you at all. It's just…the other things she says or doesn't say actually says more than…"

"Hmmm…" I breathed, ducking my head down to rain light kissing along her neck, smiling as her head fell back, giving me better access.

"Der…what are you doing?"

"Pro-Derek very pro-Derek campaign," I whispered against her neck, before gently nipping it with my teeth.

"You don't need a pro-Derek campaign," she giggled breathlessly, as her arms wrapped around me. "I'm very pro-Derek."

"Good," I groaned, running my tongue along where her jaw met her neck.

"So what are you doing now?" she whispered, her words coming out slightly slurred as I kissed the bottom of her ear.

"Cheering you up."

"Who said I need cheering up?"

"You," I laughed gently. "You came here all needing of cheering up. Plus you were mad. Not at me but mad."

"What about me being mad?"

"It turns me on," I murmured, stepping closer to her as I rubbed my erection against her body.

"Oh…" she breathed, grabbing my face in her hands and pulling me back, forcing me to look at her eyes. They were sparkling now, and growing dark with desire, even though some anger still flashed in behind. "What am I going to do with you Derek?"

"I can think of a few things."

The kiss started gentle but hungry as I pushed her harder into my desk, pushing my body harder against hers, suddenly aching with the need to fell all of her. She slipped her tongue in my mouth and wound her fingers through my hair, deepening the kiss, forcing me harder into her. My fingers tugged gently at her hair and my lips smiled against hers as she gasped in pleasure. She laughed suddenly, softly and breathlessly as she slipped her hand in my pants and squeezed me erection gently.

"Mer…" I gasped, feeling her fingers run gently up and down my length.

She pulled back suddenly, cold air replacing her heat that had been pressed against me and she pulled her shirt over her head, revealing a lacy black bar covering her already heaving chest. Before I had a chance to real drink her in she was back on me, her lips, teeth and tongue exploring the columns of my neck while her hands moved along my pants, desperate to untie them. More cold air rushed over me as she finally succeeded and pulled my pants down to the ground, my boxers along with them.

My back was to my desk and she was pulling my shirt over my head before I started to wonder exactly when she had taken control of this encounter.

She kissed me harder, pushing me up against the desk until I was sitting on it, and she was pulling her pants down over her hips. She joined me then, straddling me as she took my lips again, kissing and biting hard, causing me taste blood as I returned the actions. I pulled her bra off, ignoring my shaking hands as her now bared chest rubbed against mine and her teeth found the sensitive skin near the top of my neck. I took her ass in my hands, squeezing it tightly as she rubbed against my erection, causing me to groan out her name, aching in desire. Her hands found my chest and her short nails ran over my skin as she pushed me back, forcing me to lay down across the desk.

A brief thought flashed through my brain of how odd this was, and what exactly I was damaging.

And then I was inside her.

She moved slowly at first, rocking her hips back and forth, letting her clit rub against my pelvic bone as her body shook with desire and her already mounting orgasm. Her movements quickened as her body tensed further and her orgasm washed over her as she breathed my name.

Her movements changed again as she began to ride me faster and harder, her body still quivering with tremors from her orgasm as my eyes squeezed shut, letting the entire world disappear except for the feel of Meredith moving over me. I felt her body release around me again and my hips began to move on their own, pushing into her as my body ached for something, I didn't know what. She shouted my name as I pushed into her harder and I felt her come around me, felt her quivering body as I pushed one more time, my body shuddering as I emptied into her.

"Wow," she breathed.

"Yeah…umm…wow," I murmured, suddenly finding the English language all but impossible.

"Definitely pro Derek," she whispered, slipping off of me and laying down across my body, cuddling her sweaty body up against mine.

"Good," I smiled as I wrapped my arms around her, not really caring that we were lying together on my desk.

_Come give me your sweetness _

_Now there's you, there is no weakness _

_Cause lying safe within your arms _

_I'm born again_

**So there's nothing to say. At all.**

**Will update tomorrow.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	48. Chapter 48

**Disclaimer: If I owned Grey's Anatomy I'd own Patrick Dempsey. Which would be the coolest thing ever.**

**Sorry this took a bit. You know how it is with work and family and stuff with it being Easter time. Silly silly full time job. But it's here now. And this would be the duh duh duh the other chapter hinted at. And you shall see, it's not nearly as bad as you thought. Or maybe it is but not for our couple.**

**Enjoy!**

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"What are you doing?"

I had no idea what I was doing so I didn't actually bother to look up to answer my girlfriend. I didn't know how to answer her. Kathleen had called and she had…and then I called Mark. And now I was throwing clothes into a bad and I wasn't exactly sure what I was doing. Except for I had to go, I definitely had to go. And I wasn't even sure how to say it out loud, not to Meredith. Not after everything she had been through.

I felt her tiny hand encircle my bicep, squeezing it tightly. "Der…what's going on?"

I could hear the fear in her voice. And I had to tell her. Because I knew what she was thinking and she definitely couldn't be thinking that. She should never be thinking that.

"Kathleen called."

"Your sister?" Meredith frowned.

"Yeah," I whispered, before taking a deep breath. "My mom had a heart attack."

"Oh Der…" she breathed, wrapping her arms tightly around me, letting me fall into them. I had needed this. I needed this desperately and I hadn't even known. Since I had hung up the phone I had been aching for something and I had no idea what it was. Just something, I had needed something. I hadn't for a second even thought of that something being Meredith. Not that I hadn't wanted her, I just didn't think I needed her.

I was an idiot.

"Thanks," I whispered, leaning further into her, smiling slightly as the feel and smell of her overtook me.

"How bad?" she murmured.

"I…I don't know. The hospital called Kath and just said…and she called me because I'm…I have no idea."

"Okay," she nodded slowly as she sat me down on her bed, her fingers playing gently with my curls. "So you're going back to New York?"

"Yeah, Mark and I are going to catch the next flight out," I sighed. "I called Webber and have the next week off work but I might have to take more time off depending on what…if it's…I don't know how long I'll be gone, Mer. I'll call when I can…I'll try every night…"

"Is there enough room in that bag for my stuff? Or should I grab my own?"

"What?"

"Do I need my own bag or can we share?"

"What are you…"

"I'm going with you," she shrugged, before crouching down in front of me and wiping a tear away from my cheek that I hadn't even known was there. "I want to go with you."

"You do?"

"Yeah…I mean, if you…I'm being…I'm making assumptions when you really don't need the stress and it's, it's your family and it might be…if you don't want me…."

I had thought to ask her, in the middle of making plans with Mark the thought had briefly crossed my brain that she should come with me, that it would be…nice. But she was Meredith, my beautiful dark and twisty girlfriend who was certainly less dark and twisty these days, but it was family and Meredith didn't do family. And this was going to be family, really big time family in a really bad situation. Not that kind of situation you bring an already nervous girlfriend home to meet the family in so I banished the thought, ignoring the feeling in my stomach that was telling me I needed her.

"Why do you want to come?" I breathed.

I had no idea where that question had come from when all I really wanted to do was pull her into my arms and tell her how much I loved her.

"Because…" she frowned ever so slightly, wiping another tear from my cheek. "It could be…you have no idea what you're going home to…and you…you might need something. Or you might…I don't…I couldn't stand having you call me in tears and not be able to do anything. I need to be there for you. I need to…and it's crazy and scary and I don't do family but you…I do you, in an entirely non sexual way…well in a sexual way too but the point is…the point is I want to breathe for you, Derek."

"You want to breathe for me?" I whispered, hearing my own voice shake.

"I do," Meredith breathed, running her fingers through my curls.

"If you're…" I sighed, because what I was about to say made me sound like an ass. And Meredith was being entirely perfect and I wasn't. "Mer, I can't…this could be bad. If it is…I can't deal with you freaking out. If you can't handle this…"

"Derek," she cut me off. "Let me be the strong one for once."

"Okay."

"And if I really need to freak out I'll just call Cristina or something," she shrugged, smiling slightly. "I can do this."

"I could…I want you there."

"I want to be there."

"I might…I might need you there," I murmured, looking down at my feet, and hers that were close by.

"You're not used to needing people, are you?" she asked gently.

"No," I admitted quietly.

She wrapped her arms around me again, letting me lean into her. And everything felt better. It shouldn't feel better, it had no reason to feel better, my mom was, I had no idea what kind of condition my mom was in and I was terrified and yet, I felt better. Because Meredith was holding onto me tightly and she was letting me lean on her. She was coming home with me, to let me lean on her, to be there. To be strong for me. I was in her arms when I needed to be most.

And that made everything better.

"So…packing and we can get out of here," she breathed near my ear. "I'll have to call Webber and get the week off but after the year I've had…I think I can get it. I guess I'll pack enough for a week, if I need more I can buy it there. Because it's…New York. So packing."

"Thank you," I whispered.

"Just returning the favour you've done too many times to count," she smiled gently.

"I love you." I loved her so much. My brain wasn't actually working well enough to come up with any words to tell her exactly how much I did, right in the moment. And honestly, I wasn't even sure there was words. But I loved her.

"I love you too," she whispered, her lips feathering against my wet cheek. "Come on, Der…let's pack."

_I said I will hold you up, I will hold you up_

_Your love gives me strength enough_

_So have a little faith in me_

**So to me this is it, this is the last issue that they really have to face before the reach the happily ever after, Meredith and her lack of a family vs. Derek and his very large, clearly tight knit family. And now Meredith has to face that family. Not only does she have to face them, she has to face them during a family crisis which makes it that much harder. But she needs to be there for Derek, so that trumps all.**

**Next update will be up momentarily.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	49. Chapter 49

**Disclaimer: For Easter my parents got me a really cool picture frame that says "Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like no one will ever get hurt." I love it. I also got chocolate. I didn't get Grey's Anatomy so therefore I still don't own it.**

**So I would love to have a good introduction to this chapter but I'm kind of really proud of it and there's not actually much to say about it. Except...well it spells itself out I think.**

**Enjoy!**

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All I could feel was her hand.

The three of us navigated the crowded corridors of LaGuardia, people were all over, shouting and pushing and everything else that made the airport hell. Mark was leading the way, his bag swung over his shoulders as he pushed through people leaving a nice path for Meredith and I to follow closely behind. There was no doubt that we were in the middle of some kind of chaos that made the hospital look calm. My brain was swirling.

And all I could feel was her hand.

She hadn't let go of me. Since she had informed me that she coming with me she had only let go long enough to pack her bag, quickly. Her hand had found my immediately afterwards and hadn't let go since. Even when I had been in the front seat and she had been in the back on the way to the airport. And then through the entire plane ride. I vaguely wondered if it was out of her own fear or comfort me and figured it was somewhere in between. And didn't really care because right now it was all I could feel and it was all I cared about feeling. My anchor in the storm or whatever.

Although now I found myself vaguely wondering if she was ever going to let go of my hand again. Which I wouldn't mind in theory though it might make operating hard.

"We didn't book a hotel," Mark suddenly realized, coming to a halt as I ran into his back.

"We didn't," I sighed, running my free hand through my hair. "We…we have to and I have no idea where we'll stay or…crap."

"It's okay," Meredith's voice was even and strong as she squeezed my hand. "We should go to the hospital first and see how…hospital first. And you two…do what you have to do and I'll call places or something. Mark, you don't still have a place here, do you?"

"No, sold it," Mark sighed.

"Okay," she said, her voice still firm. "Derek?"

"What? Oh no…Addison, when we…I let her keep New York and I kept Seattle. I have no where here. I have no where to stay and I…no definitely…not. No where to stay."

And this had officially entered some really weird place in which Meredith sounded more like me and I sounded more like her.

"Well then…" Meredith sighed, chewing her lip as she thought, her hand still clinging to mine. "I'll see…hotels or something. I mean…if worse comes to worse we can call Addison and see if she kept the New York house."

"You want to stay in the house Addison and I shared?" I asked quietly.

"It's either that or a box, Der," she pointed out, kissing my cheek quickly, her free hand reaching over the rub my chest in a way that had nothing to do with sex and screamed of comfort.

I felt tears bite my eyes, tears that weren't supposed to be there. We didn't know. We had no idea. We had been so busy traveling for the last day that we hadn't heard from anybody, hadn't gotten in touch with anybody. We didn't know and I wasn't going to be one of those people who cried over what might amount to nothing. And I was doing fine. Until my nearly unrecognizable, entirely strong girlfriend had kissed my cheek and rubbed my chest, silently reminding me that she was here, entirely completely here.

And tears bit my eyes.

Mark cleared his throat loudly, apparently noticing the way Meredith and I were looking at each other. "I'm going to the washroom," he announced before disappearing into the crowd.

"Are you okay," Meredith asked, leading me to an empty bench and pulling me down to sit beside her, immediately adjusting so that I could lean into her strength.

I was not going to cry.

I was not going to break down in public.

"No," I finally answered her, my eyes squeezing shut and the air wooshing out of me as her fingers ran through my curls.

"Oh, Der," she breathed, kissing me gently.

"Why aren't you freaking out?"

"What?"

"We're…here," I breathed. "You're going to meet my family really soon. And you're…entirely fine. Really fine, not Meredith fine."

"I could be freaking out silently," she tried to argue.

"You're not," I shook my head. "I'd know."

"Fine, I'm not," she admitted quietly. "I…you're terrified and falling apart and I'm…one of us has to be strong. It's usually you but right now it's me. And I think…I'm not even thinking of freaking out. I'm thinking if you need to go somewhere private to break down, and if we should grab something to eat before we go to the hospital and where the hell are we going to sleep tonight. My head is too busy to freak out."

"I'm not going to break down," I whispered.

"I know," she nodded, belief in her voice. "But still…me being strong. This is me being strong and I refuse to freak out."

"You can freak out a little if you need to."

"No, I'm good."

"You're amazing."

"I love you," she whispered, squeezing the hand that was still interlocked with hers tightly.

"I love you too," I breathed.

And I finally let my body weight sag against her as she let go of my hand and wrapped her arms tightly around me. This wasn't breaking down, it wasn't anywhere close to breaking down but it was something and I needed it. It was easy being in her arms. It made it easy to forget that we were in the middle of a crowded airport and that my mom was in the hospital and I had no idea how bad it was. It was easy to forget that anything existed but Meredith, me and this moment.

All I could feel was Meredith.

_Do you know, that everytime you're near  
Everybody else seems far away  
So can you come and make them disappear  
Make them disappear and we can stay_

**As I said...I honestly don't even know what to say about this chapter. It is what it is and I'm kind of in love with it. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did and I don't just sound like some insanely conceited person, which I'm not. I swear.**

**I will update again later tonight, or tomorrow before I work at 3...depending on comments**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	50. Chapter 50

**Disclaimer: Grey's Anatomy kicks so much ass again. Like seriously so much ass. With all the hilarity and the Mer/Der of it all, yes, it's back to being more than a little amazing. I could only wish to own something that amazing.**

**I'm sorry this took such a seriously long time. Work has been crazy busy recently and half the time I'm stuck working 40+ hours every week. So writing keeps getting pushed to the side, which yes, I know, seriously sucks. But it is here now and I have today off so I hope to get some more of this up too. Hope it was worth the wait!**

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She was freaking out now.

She hadn't actually said anything but her demeanor had changed, she had changed. Her hand was still resting firmly in mine but there was a desperation there now that hadn't been there before. She was clinging to my hand as we navigated through the crowded hallways of the hospital, heading toward the cardio wing. And she was definitely freaking out in complete silence. Which probably wasn't healthy for her but right now I was grateful for it.

I was too busy freaking out silently myself to be any help to her.

"She's going to be okay," Mark nodded firmly, his voice completely void of any confidence.

"Of course she is," I heard myself responding. My voice sounded strong to my own ears but with the way Meredith frowned at me and squeezed my hand tightly I was pretty sure I had come off sounding more like Mark.

"She's fine," Meredith whispered. "She's…it's been a bit and if something had happened, someone would call. Someone would have called with an update and you would know. She's fine. And I'm going to meet her. Which is big but I'm good. Entirely good and she's definitely good. Just…be positive. Which sounds silly coming from me but yep, she's good. Or will be good."

"What was that?" Mark frowned.

"That was a ramble," I smiled lightly, before pulling Meredith into a tight hug. I had no idea who the hug was for, her or me but it felt damn good to hold her close to me. "It'll be okay."

"I know," she murmured into my neck before pulling away, her hand falling into mine again.

"Where's my hug?" Mark frowned.

"You don't get a hug," I sighed.

"What? You get a cute Hallmark moment and I don't? That doesn't seem very fair," Mark shook his head.

"You'll get over it," Meredith smiled slightly.

"Derek!" a voice interrupted whatever else Meredith was about to say as a body hurled itself against mine, wrapping her arms around me tightly. I wrapped an arm around my sister, keeping my other hand exactly where it needed to be, with Meredith. "You came…you…Kath said you were…you came!"

"I came, Sam," I laughed gently, hugging my youngest sister close. "Miss me?"

"Like crazy," she sighed. "And of course you missed me."

"Insanely."

"Good," she smiled as she pulled away. "I am…I can't believe you're here. Kath said you were coming but I didn't actually believe her because it's been a year. Derek, you haven't been home in over a year…and oh god...Meredith, you must be Meredith."

"Oh umm…I must…yeah, I must be Meredith," Meredith responded quietly, her hand tightening around mine.

"Mer…this is my youngest sister Samantha. And yes, Sam, this is my girlfriend Meredith," I smiled proudly. I shouldn't be smiling. My mom was…I still had no idea how my mom was but I was introducing my Meredith to my favourite member of my family and I couldn't help but smile proudly. Because the love of my life had been willing to come for me, to be the strong one for me and I couldn't believe she was here. Even if she was squeezing my hand maybe a little too tightly.

"Meredith!" Samantha smiled, giving Meredith a quick hug. "We didn't think you were coming. Derek said something about you not doing families so we figured you just wouldn't make the trip but wow, I'm so thrilled to meet you."

"Oh…I don't. I really don't do family but well…Der was sad and he…I wanted to….breathe for him and well…" Meredith stammered.

"Meredith wouldn't let us leave the city without her," Mark cut in. "She refused to let Derek go without her and hasn't actually let go of his hand. Well except for their sickening Hallmark moments."

"Mark?" Samantha frowned. "Derek, you brought Mark?"

"He's our brother," I shrugged. I knew this was going to be an issue. Last time I had checked no one but Nancy was actually talking to Addison or Mark. And well me. I knew bringing him was probably going to cause a head ache. But he was family. He was my family. I couldn't leave him out.

"He was our brother till he slept with your wife."

"We've gotten past that, Sammy," I sighed.

"You forgave him?"

"Why?"

"He helped me end a bad marriage," I shrugged and then held up the hand that was entwined with Meredith's. "And well…this is better. Mark inadvertently made my life better."

"There was nothing inadvertent about it," Mark groaned.

"So you two are…" Sam frowned looking between us.

"They're friends," Meredith smiled. "It's…they went fishing and they go out for drinks and stuff. They're friends."

"Oh…" Sam's frowned deepened as she studies us.

"And this is all beside the point…how's Mom?"

"She's fine," Sam shrugged.

"Fine?" I demanded. "How…she…she's just fine? You're entirely okay and you're smiling and shrugging and it's just...fine, she's fine. What do you…yes, I know I sound like Meredith but how can you…Sam…"

"Derek…" Meredith's gentle voice cut through my rambling.

"No one told you guys?" Sam frowned.

"Told us what?" Mark demanded.

"It wasn't a heart attack," Sam sighed. "It was…well no one is exactly sure what is was. They're still running tests and keeping her for observation. It was severe chest pain, which I guess is bad enough but definitely not a heart attack. She's fine and she's back to being Mom."

Relief sagged through my body as I felt Meredith's hand leave mine and her arms slip around my body. I sunk against her, letting my arms go around her waist as I pulled her tight. Last time I had felt this relived I had been told she was alive, completely alive and asking for me. And she hadn't been there to hold me like this, to ground me back to reality and be everything I needed. I kissed her quickly, entirely grateful that she was here now. That she was alive and that in a few months had become strong enough to hold me when I needed her to.

"I told you…Hallmark moments," Mark sighed.

"They're always like this?" Samantha asked, as I pulled back from Meredith, but still held her close to me.

"Yes, we're always like this," I grinned.

"It's sickening," Mark sighed.

"Can we go see Mom now?" I asked, choosing to entirely ignore Mark's comment.

"Oh yeah, sorry," Samantha giggled. "Come on."

As we followed Sam, I felt Meredith squeeze my hand tighter, her eyes entirely filled with fear. I was okay now, or better so Meredith didn't have to be strong anymore. She was my Meredith again. Entirely terrified of meeting my mother.

Not that I could blame her.

I just thought telling her that would be counterproductive.

"Derek! You came home!" my mom greeted me warmly as I walked into the room, Meredith trailing close behind me. "And you brought the slutty intern."

**So it seems that Mama Shep is a little bit of a bitch. And more of that will come in the next update, but really, she's not a bitch. She's just very much a Mama Bear and Derek is her only boy but yes, definitely more of that to come. This update was mainly just filler to show that Meredith did have some nerves and so did Derek about the whole meeting thing. And that Derek was terrified about his mom who is actually okay. And to set up some issues with Markie, as they're definitely not where they are now on the show (you know...gay man love).**

**And yes, I'll be hopefully updating later today.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	51. Chapter 51

**Disclaimer: Grey's Anatomy is back to being amazing. Completely and totally amazing and I wish it was Thursday because I can not wait to see what happens next. I could only wish that I owned a show of this level of amazingness.**

**Sorry this took a bit longer than planned. Work and all that stuff, you know how it is. But it's not as long as wait as last time I assume that's a pretty good thing, or at least a step in the right direction. It was faster. And it's actually kind of filler, kind of not filler as it gives a pretty good idea as to where Derek's mom is coming from.**

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"Mom!" I gasped the second the words left her mouth and I instinctively pushed Meredith behind me. I wasn't exactly sure how hiding her behind me would protect her but it felt like something I should do.

"Do not Mom me," Mom frowned, shaking her head at me as she moved around on the bed, obviously trying to see Meredith.

"If you call my girlfriend that I can Mom you," I protested. "Besides…that's who you are."

"Derek, dear, you know I didn't mean to Mom me in that tone," Mom sighed, sounding entirely overdramatic. "And what else am I supposed to call her? The only time I've heard from you in the past year was last Christmas and you were trying again with Addison. A few months later I get Addie calling me in tears talking about some slutty intern that destroyed your marriage. So as far as I'm concerned, it fits."

Meredith gasped quietly behind me and I tightened my hold on her hand. She was going to run. I had seen far weaker woman run from my mother at far better times. Except for Meredith couldn't run right now. We had been through hell and back and yet somehow she had managed to get here, to meet my family and be her, entirely strong and entirely broken all at once and she just couldn't run. If she ran things would be shaken again. And Mom would never like her. Suddenly it was feeling entirely important that Mom and her liked each other.

Eventually.

Maybe.

"You could try girlfriend, Mom," Mark sighed.

"Mark," Mom groaned looking at him quickly before turning to glare at me. "Were you hoping to finish me off if the heart attack hadn't already killed me?"

"Mark is part of our family, Mom."

"Until he slept with your wife," Mom shot back. "Family members don't sleep with each other's wives."

"Family members make stupid mistakes."

"And you forgave him?"

"I forgave him," I nodded evenly. "He's my brother and I forgave him. And Meredith…she's my girlfriend. She's the love of my life and you don't get to say anything bad about her. Especially when you have never said a word to her."

"She's the love of your life?" Mom frowned.

"She is," I smiled slightly, squeezing Meredith's hand tightly. "I wish you had met her before now, but…she is, Mom. Everything that happened, nothing was her fault. It was me. It was Addison. And it was a lot of other messes but it wasn't her. Do not blame this on her."

"If you love her so much why is this the first I've ever even heard of her?"

"Because…it's been complicated, Mom," I sighed, feeling Meredith's hand slip out of mine and find the spot on the small of my back.

"He made a mess of it," Mark laughed.

"Did I tell you to speak, Mark?" Mom snapped. "Just because my son is stupid enough to forgive you doesn't mean I've forgiven you."

"Sorry, Mom," Mark murmured sheepishly.

"What do you mean it's been complicated?" Mom asked, turning her attention back to me and the amazingly beautiful woman behind me. Apparently I assumed complimenting her in my head would make everything better and easier for her. She was good at reading my thoughts. It should work. Not that I wanted to her to hear all my thoughts, but if she could hear the ones about me thinking she was amazingly beautiful I assumed that would be good.

"It's a long story," I sighed, biting back a groan of pleasure as Meredith smoothed her hand along my back.

"Let me talk to her," Mom demanded.

"What?"

"I assume that she can speak for herself," Mom shrugged. "And as you love her you obviously want me to get to know her, you should probably let her talk."

"You want to talk to Meredith?"

"If that's her name."

"Mom…I don't…"

"Derek…I can do it," Meredith's quiet voice came from behind me, just above a whisper as her hand found the nape of my back, where she had one told me I carry all my stress. I turned slightly, trying to see how she looked and found her eyes wide with fear. And her mouth entirely determined.

There was no way I'd ever talk her down from this.

"Meredith, you don't have to do this," I whispered. Just because it seemed impossible didn't mean I wasn't stupid enough to try anyway.

"I do," Meredith nodded firmly, her hand moving up slightly to play through my curls. "She's your mom. I have to talk to her eventually."

"Eventually being the key word," I murmured.

"Besides…she's your mom and you're you. She has to have a soft and cuddly side if she raised you," Meredith whispered.

"Yes," Derek nodded. "If you get around…that."

"I can do this," Meredith urged, quietly. "Let me."

"Fine," I sighed. Meredith wasn't supposed to meet my mom like this. My mom was supposed to be recovering and tired and not nearly as scary as she can sometimes be. I brought her here assuming Meredith would meet my mother when she was soft and warm and just happy to see me. I hadn't expected this to be what Meredith faces. This was bad. "Just remember…I love you. I love you a hell of a lot. Regardless of what happens in this room."

"I know. It will be fine. And I love you too," she whispered, standing on her tip toes to kiss me quickly.

In front of my mom.

In the history of my life one woman had found the courage to kiss me in front of my mom, and that had been Addison on our wedding day.

And now Meredith was kissing me.

"They do that a lot," I heard Mark explain to my mom. "They really love each other or something. So you probably want to be easy on her."

"Mark, do not tell me who to be easy on," Mom groaned as I pulled away from Meredith. "Derek…Mark, you can wait in the hall."

"No," I said quickly.

"Derek, I want to talk to Meredith in private."

"You're not going to," I shook my head. "I'll stand in the corner and not say a word but there is no way I'm leaving Meredith in here when you're in that kind of mood."

"I'm not in a mood, dear. I just want to talk to the woman that is apparently the love of your life."

"Fine," I sighed. "And I'll be in here when you do it."

"Derek…"

"Mrs. Shepherd," Meredith said, her voice stronger and more sure than I had figured it would be. "Whatever…I'll tell him anyway. It's what we do…we talk, now we talk, so if you….he might as well stay and just hear things first hand or whatever."

"Fine, Derek stays," Mom nodded. "But Mark… hallway. I'll deal with you later."

"Yes, Mom," Mark nodded before disappearing out the door.

"Now Meredith…how did you two meet?"

_I will never let you fall._

_I'll stand up with you forever._

_I'll be there for you through it all._

**So as I said, that was mainly filler getting to the next part...Meredith and Derek's mom talking, which yes is pretty big for both of them. But this was just the set up...Derek trying desperately to protect Meredith, and Mark getting his foot even in it. But there's not much to say about it besides that.**

**The next update should be up tonight.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	52. Chapter 52

No one actually knew how Meredith and I met.

Okay, there was a chance her friends might know, at least Cristina. And I'm pretty sure Mark had put a thing or two together, possibly Burke. But people didn't know. Meredith and I didn't talk about how we met, we never talked about how we met. We hadn't even discussed what stories we were going to go with, because something about a one night stand wasn't exactly the best story to tell my slightly old fashioned mom. Or any children we may one day have. But no one knew the full story.

I had no idea how Meredith was supposed to answer that question.

"Oh umm…" Meredith mumbled, staring at her hands. "We…there was, we had…there was a bar. Before my first day we met at a bar. We talked. That was… we talked and I liked him but I…we just talked. And then he was…he was my boss so yeah….we met at a bar and then at the hospital. That's it. That's all."

"You met at a bar?" Mom frowned.

"Yes. Bar. But we talked. That's all we did, lots of talking. Good talking."

"She rambles when she's nervous," I explained, noticing the questioning look my mom was sending me. "It's cute."

"You. No talking," Meredith snapped, turning around to look at me. "I have this, I can do this so no talking."

She couldn't do this. No one could take my mom head to head when it came to one of her kids and come out on top. Meredith was kind of sort of entirely amazing and perfect and I was pretty sure she could handle almost everything but this…this was going to be impossible.

"So after the bar….how did we end up here? Because I am quite certain my son was married when he met you in that bar."

"He was separated," Meredith corrected, with a slight nod. I was pretty sure that had been the first time I heard her put it that way, or anyone put it that way. "And we…I was his intern the first day. We just…we liked each other and things….he kind of chased me. Well he really chased me because…"

"You weren't interested?"

"I was," Meredith said quickly. That was definitely the first time she had admitted that. "I was…definitely interested. But he's…I'm…I was an intern and he's my boss so it was complicated."

"And he was married."

"I didn't know that at the time," Meredith sighed. "We were just…I liked him, I really liked him. I was falling and he was…I'm not used to what we had…have…but he was just…we kind of fell together. Like things fit. And they just…we fit. And now I'm sounding all cheesy like him, great."

"What did you do when he told you about his wife?"

"Oh umm…" Meredith stammered. "He…never told me."

"He never told you?" my mom asked, eyeing me carefully. Okay, Meredith may have wanted to leave that part out. She would have looked a little bad because of it but I was definitely going to get yelled at now. I didn't like getting yelled at. I was forty years old and one of the top surgeons in the country, getting yelled at by mother didn't seem dignified. There had been a reason I had been avoiding this oh so joyous trip home.

"He was going to," Meredith said quickly. "He was…we were just figuring things out and really…and then she was there. But he was going to. It was…he didn't mean to keep it a secret."

"Okay," my mom nodded slowly. "And when you did find out…"

"I backed off," Meredith nodded and then frowned slightly. "Well I did and then I…I may have begged him to pick me. I'm not…Mrs. Shepherd I never meant to destroy his marriage and looking back…the begging it was bad. Really bad. But I loved him in this big entirely huge way that was…I loved him and I wanted to be with him. But I'm not a home wrecker and I'm not…it was messy. Really messy. But I just…I begged him and he chose his wife. Because he's the guy that chooses his wife. He does the right thing and…he chose Addison."

"He did," Mom smiled slightly. "And yet now you're here instead of her."

"I…I backed off, Mrs. Shepherd. He picked his wife and I…it hurt, I…it hurt a lot but I respected it. I honestly respected it. Because he's Derek and he…he had to try. It was…he needed to try to save his marriage because those vows are big, really big and she was his wife. He had to try to save it and I respected it. I didn't do anything. I was…I moved on, or well, tried to. I dated. The vet… and he was…okay, he was boring but I did try. To move on."

"You did?"

"I did. He was married…and I…my parents got divorced when I was five because of an affair…and my life hasn't been…easy. At all. I know…marriage is big and I wasn't….if he wanted to be with his wife I wasn't going to be the thing that wrecked that. I didn't want to be the other woman."

"So you're saying you're not a slutty intern?"

"I'm not," Meredith nodded, firmly.

"What happened to the marriage?"

Please don't tell her about prom sex, Mer. If you have never heard my thoughts before now would be the time to start. Please don't tell her about prom sex.

"Oh…" Meredith breathed, looking at me quickly. "It was…Derek was done. He was…this is definitely something you should talk to Derek about. Because I don't…we…we didn't get back together right after and it was…but the marriage was dead. Talk to Derek."

"I plan you," Mom nodded. She had been nodding a lot. Which could be good or bad, I had no idea. "Do you love my son, Meredith?"

"More than anything."

"And what are your intentions for him?"

"Intentions? I ummm…well…yeah…"

"Do you plan on marrying him?"

That was definitely direct. The subject had come up before, in really vague non direct ways. But that was my mom. Direct.

"Yes."

I hadn't been expecting that.

"And what about your career?" Mom asked, touching on another subject we had never really discussed. "Addison wanted to be the best, it's one of the reasons they never worked. Are you the same?"

"Oh umm…no," Meredith murmured. "I want…I want to be good. I want…I want to be like Derek…or something. But no…I don't care about being the best. I don't…Derek comes first."

"Good," Mom smiled, actually really smiled. "Are you planning on giving me grandchildren?"

Crap.

Crap.

Crap.

We had never talked about children. I had no idea if Meredith even thought about having children. I wasn't even sure if I still wanted children. I had. I had wanted children at one point. At one point it had killed my marriage. But right now, for the last few months, all I had cared about was having Meredith. Meredith was all I wanted. Children hadn't crossed my mind and this wasn't exactly how I had wanted to bring it up.

And I had the gut feeling that the conversation that Meredith had been handling perfectly was about to unravel.

"Oh well…uhh…" Meredith stammered and I considered cutting in. With what I wasn't sure but something. And then she took a deep breath. "I don't know. I just…I never….my life hasn't been great, Mrs. Shepherd. It's been…kind of crap. And I just…life didn't prepare me for this, for Derek and kids and…I never thought about it. I never thought this would be me. And life is getting better but I don't know."

"You don't know," my mom echoed.

"I don't," Meredith nodded firmly, wringing her hands together. "But…I love Derek, Mrs. Shepherd. I love Derek a lot. It's been a hell of a year…just really bad and chaotic and a mess for both of us but I love him. And he loves me. And he hasn't actually…he's being all Dereky but I know whatever you think of me means something to him. So just…I'm a mess. And I know I'm not what you pictured for him or what…I don't…I'm a lot less than perfect. But we love each other and he…he thinks I'm perfect. And he's…he's definitely perfect. So just…whatever you say to him, whatever you think of me…I love him. And I want him. I know I want him. Forever."

"My son isn't perfect," Mom laughed gently.

"Well no," Meredith giggled nervously. "But he's perfect for me."

"Derek," Mom suddenly said, turning to me.

"Yeah?" I responded, deciding to ignore the pounding of my heart. Because that speech Meredith had just given my mother had been kind of entirely perfect and I would much rather sweep Meredith into my arms and tell her how perfect it was than face my mother right now. Because no one in my entire life had really talked to my mom like that, well besides Dad, and I wasn't quite sure how she was going to take it.

"Did you three arrange somewhere to stay?"

"Oh…umm…no."

"Stay at the house...well you two can stay out the house, I still need to have a talk with Markie," Mom sighed, shaking her head slightly. "But you two are welcome to stay. You can use my bedroom if you want…or the guest room or your room, dear, whichever is most comfortable."

"We can stay at the house?"

"Yes."

Meredith walked back over to me, the confusion I felt echoed on her face. I had expected Mom to say something, to do something, to weigh in on the love of my life. Mom had an opinion about everything in my life. Mom tried to change everything in my life. And all she did was offer us the house. I had no idea what that even met.

"Thanks, Mom," I nodded.

"But first…Meredith, if you don't mind stepping out for a few minutes, I need to talk to my son."

_No one can keep me from_

_The danger I possess_

_You keep me stronger_

_You are the only one_


	53. Chapter 53

She shouldn't have left.

I hadn't left her to talk to my mom alone, and she had apparently returned the favour by abandoning me with my mom. Fine, she was probably assuming that I had been my mother's son for my entire life and one would think that I had some concept on how to deal with her. So she didn't really realize she was completely abandoning me. But she was. Somehow my girlfriend could handle my mom in ways I didn't know how. And now I was alone. Meredith was going to pay, I wasn't sure how, but she was.

"She seems lovely," Mom suddenly said.

"She is lovely," I nodded firmly.

"Why didn't you tell her about Addison? What exactly were you thinking lying to her all that time?" my mom asked.

I didn't actually want to talk to my mom about any of this. When I had jumped on that plane I knew there might be questions, because bringing Meredith with me was huge. But it didn't mean I wanted to talk about. It didn't mean I was ready to share what Meredith and I had with everyone.

Of course with my mom that option wasn't actually my own.

"I was going to tell her," I sighed, moving across the room to sit on my mom's bed. "She was right about that. But before…I was hurting a lot when I met her. I was hurting more than I could admit and I've really only started to figure it out recently."

"So Meredith was a rebound girl, or whatever you kids call it."

"No, yes…I guess she was at first. I was…at the bar and I guess… I was drinking away my pain. And then she walked in. She was wearing a black dress and her hair was. She walked in and everything felt better. I couldn't stop looking at her. So we talked."

"And you slept together."

"I…what…how?"

"Derek, dear, I raised six children, I saw you all through puberty. And I'm not dead."

"Fine, we slept together."

"Why did you chase her when you knew you were married?"

"Because…she took my pain away, Mom," Derek sighed. "She was…actually what you saw, I had never seen that side of her. But she's…I don't even know, but she took my pain away. When I talk to her, when she giggles or just smiles at me, I temporarily forget that anything is wrong. Even after Kath called about you…she hugged me and everything felt okay. I knew I was married, I knew I couldn't fully be with her and things were complicated but I wanted that, I needed that."

"So you ended your marriage and turned that poor girl's world upside down because she makes everything…good?"

"No, I did that because I love her more than anything I've ever loved in my life," I said firmly.

"And you never told her because…"

"I…at first I didn't think she needed to know. It was…it was just supposed to be a quick rebound fling. Nothing serious so I didn't need to tell her. And then…I was in love with her and had no idea how to tell her without destroying everything."

"Derek…she had a right to know," Mom sighed. "She seems nice, and definitely didn't deserve to be lied to. She deserved better than that and you're lucky she even gave you another chance."

"I know," I smiled. "Every day I realize how lucky I am."

"Oh," Mom breathed, falling silent for a second. "She has a backbone."

"She has a backbone," I smiled proudly.

"Exactly how bad has her year been?"

I laughed. I couldn't actually help it. Laughing at that kind of question was entirely incredibly bad but the laughter bubbled from me. Because if someone decided to poll everyone in the world to find out who exactly had had the worst year ever, I was pretty damn sure Meredith would win. And I had no idea how much of it I was supposed to tell my mom.

"It's been…bad," I sighed, running my fingers through my hair. "Her mom had Alzheimer's and this year she died. She died while I was trying to save her. And then her step mom…they bonded and she died. Her dad…that's just a mess. She nearly died twice. Her hand was on a bomb and then she nearly drowned. Plus with all my stuff….it's been…bad."

"And the poor girl is still standing?" Mom frowned.

"I don't know how, but yeah, she's still standing," I nodded. "It's gotten shaky at times but…she's still standing."

"She's strong."

"Extremely."

I didn't have to tell my mom about the times over the last year when Meredith had struggled to be strong. Mom didn't have to know she nearly drowned herself, or that her dad had slapped her or that everything had nearly fallen apart for us. My mom definitely didn't need those details. Because we were good. Mer and I were amazing. We were happy and steady and strong. And Meredith wanted to marry me. So none of that stuff even mattered.

And it was our stuff, Mom didn't need to know our stuff.

"You love her?" Mom asked quietly.

"I do," I nodded firmly. "At home…in Seattle….there's an engagement ring hiding at Mark's. We're not there yet but soonish…I want to marry her."

"It's that serious?" Mom asked, her voice even quieter.

"It's that serious."

"Why is this the first time we've heard of her?" Mom questioned. I had definitely known that question was coming. "You love her enough to marry her and yet you never bothered to tell anyone, except for maybe Sam. I don't even know if you ever planned on bringing her here. I understand it's been a hard year, but if you love her we had a right to know."

"We've had…even outside Addison, we've had our share of problems, Mom," I admitted. "And now…we finally just got on steady ground. It's been hard on us. I didn't want to call home and tell you that I had fallen in love and that I wasn't sure if we'd last to the end of the hour. I wanted to tell you like this, to be able to tell you that I fully plan on being with her forever."

"What kind of problems?"

"I'm not discussing that."

"Derek…"

"No Mom," I shook my head firmly. "Those…Meredith is…she was telling the truth when she said she was flawed and a lot of the problems stemmed from that. I'm not talking about Mer, not like that. That's ours."

"You were never like this with Addison."

"I know," I nodded.

"And now you're looking for my approval."

"No, Mom, I'm not," I shook my head again. "I love her. I will always love her and I'm going to marry her regardless of what you think. I'd just like…something."

"Honestly…I like her Derek," Mom smiled. "I think she fits you. But I need to get to know her better before I can say anything more."

"We're in town for the rest of the week."

"Perfect," Mom nodded. "I'm released tomorrow and you can stay at the house with me. How does that sound?"

Hell. It sounded like hell on earth. It sounded worse than living in the trailer with Addison. It sounded worse than Meredith dating Finn.

"Perfect."

"Good," Mom smiled. "Now go find Markie for me."

_And I will be  
Your prince,  
I'll be your saint,  
I will go crashing through fences  
In your name._


	54. Chapter 54

I was a horrible person.

I was quite certain I was going to hell.

I had to figure out a way to corrupt Meredith some more so at least I wouldn't be going to hell by myself.

But I was definitely going to hell.

Because Mark, my best friend and my brother, was standing at the foot of my mom's bed and about to get entirely ripped into for what he had done. And I was leaning comfortably against the doorway. Because I had told my mother that I wasn't going to leave Mark alone with her, that I was going to do the whole protecting my brother thing because I had forgiven him and I needed to be there. I had begged and pleaded and went on and on about how close we were again and everything else that I thought would keep me in this room.

I had even sent my own girlfriend, the love of my life, to go get coffee.

Just because I needed to be here to see Mom wipe the stupid smirk of Mark's face.

I was going to hell.

"My son is too forgiving," Mom sighed, eyeing Mark carefully, almost as if she was waiting for him to break. I know I was.

See? Definitely horrible person.

"He probably is, Mom," Mark nodded.

"You had sex with his wife," Mom pointed out. "According to Nancy, you had a relationship with his wife while she was still his wife."

"I did, Mom," Mark nodded.

"What exactly were you thinking?"

This might be a bad idea. I had no desire to relive this conversation, not that we even really had this conversation at any point. But we were past this. I had somehow managed to forget what Mark had done. Or at least stop caring because I was too damn happy to care about what had gotten me to this point. But none of that actually meant I wanted to hear him rehash exactly how he had ended up in bed with my wife.

Even if it did mean watching Mom beat him down.

"I don't actually know what I was thinking, Mom," Mark sighed, taking the seat on the bed that had been mine not too long before.

"Because you weren't."

"I…that's probably true," Mark admitted quietly. "I thought I was in love with her, Mom. Derek was…well, you know exactly what he was doing. He was being an ass and putting his job before everything. It left Addison and I alone a lot. To talk and to…"

"Fall in love?"

"Yes, no…I don't know," Mark sighed. "She was there. And we…things spiraled out of control. After…I think we had to convince ourselves we were in love because it was the only way we could justify what we had done."

"Which was break my son."

"I wouldn't take it back, Mom," Mark said firmly.

"You…what?" Mom demanded.

"Look at him," Mark groaned as he turned to point at me. "He's leaning against the door looking like the happiest man in the world and she's not even around right now. It's entirely disgusting. The trailer and the fishing and…he wears jeans to work, Mom. And he whistles and shit. If I didn't know better I'd swear to god he's on something. He's happy."

"I know but…"

"He's happy now," Mark said firmly. "Watch this Mom. It's a game I like to play to keep myself amused…"

"A game?"

"Meredith."

I knew he was testing me, I knew he was just using the name to prove a point and I hated helping Mark prove a point. But I couldn't actually help the way I reacted when I heard her name, especially after her conversation with her mom. I felt the grin deepen on my face and could only imagine what my eyes were doing judging by the mixture of smugness and disgust on Mark's face.

"See," Mark said to my mom. "When is the last time you saw him look that happy and that in love, Mom? When has he ever been that happy?"

"Mark…"

"I'm sorry I hurt him. I'm beyond sorry that I hurt him and he knows that. I never meant to hurt him. But the fallout of everything has been worth it. Derek is quite possibly the happiest most in love person in the world, Addison is in LA going after who the hell knows what and me…well I'm still me. But I played a part in Derek's happiness and I'm not about to take that back."

"Mark Jeremy Sloan, would you stop talking and let me get in a word edge wise?"

"Sorry, Mom," Mark murmured.

"You were an idiot. I don't care how well it turned out, and apparently it did, what you did was entirely wrong. Derek and you have been attached at the hip your entire lives and you turned around and did this. A part of you had to know how you could be hurting him and you didn't care."

"Mom…I…"

"No, there's nothing you can say to that," Mom shook her head. "You don't sleep with your best friend's wife, your brother's wife, regardless of how much he's not around."

"I know, Mom."

"Apparently you don't," Mom snapped.

"I'm sorry."

"I know," Mom sighed. "And apparently that's enough for Derek. Because he is happier than I think anyone has ever seen him. So he forgave you."

"He did."

"You're my son, Mark. Or basically. There's nothing for me to forgive…I'm never going to be able to look past what you did, but…the Shepherds don't kick people out of the family."

"They don't?"

"They don't," Mom nodded firmly. "If Derek forgave you, so has the rest of the family. But don't do this again. If you even think of touching Meredith it won't be a question of being kicked out as I will see to your death."

My mom was serious. One might think she was joking but she was definitely serious. She would kill him.

"I would never touch Meredith," Mark said quickly. "She's entirely Derek's. And I'm pretty sure she'd cut it off if I even tried."

"She would?" Mom asked.

"She definitely would," I grinned. "Mer is the one woman that doesn't fall under Mark's few charms."

"Only because she's so in love with you she doesn't even notice other men," Mark argued.

"You have a point," I nodded.

"Mark, you can stay out the house," Mom suddenly cut in.

"I can?"

"Yes. Feel free to crash in your old room."

"Thanks, Mom."

"I'm still not happy with you."

"I know."

"Now go," Mom ordered both of us. "I need some rest and you can come tomorrow morning to pick me up so I can start getting to know that girlfriend of yours, Derek."

"Going Mom," I nodded, gesturing for Mark to follow me out the door. "Love you, Mom."

"Love you too…both of you," Mom nodded, laying back down in her bed.

"I'm still a Shepherd," Mark grinned as we reached the hallway.

"You're still a Shepherd."

Of course I was completely right, watching that was so worth going to hell.


	55. Chapter 55

Her eyes were wide when we pulled up to the house.

My eyes were probably wide too.

I knew my house was huge. I had grown up with four sisters. And my dad had been a doctor, of course our house was huge. But somehow in the last year since I had left New York the house had grown. Or at least it looked like it had grown. Which was impossible, I knew that, but today it looked quite…large. It definitely was bigger than I remembered it.

Probably didn't help that my girlfriend was gaping at it.

"You…you grew up here?" Meredith breathed, as she squeezed my hand tightly.

"Six kids, Mer," Mark pointed out.

"True," Meredith nodded. But her eyes were still wide as she looked at the house, moving her head as if to take all of it in.

It did kind of look like a house from an after school special or something.

"Are you sure you lived here?" Meredith asked.

"I'm pretty sure, Mer," I laughed gently, letting go of her hand to grab our bags out of the back of the rental car.

"But it's sooo…huge," Meredith breathed.

It didn't look as big this time, coming back from around the trunk and looking at it again. It just felt like home. My childhood home that some weird ache in the pit of my stomach made me think that quite possibly I had missed it more than I had figured I had. I was happy in Seattle, I loved Seattle. And I was too busy being happy to realize that I had missed parts of my life in New York. At least this part of it.

My house.

I had always loved my house.

"I can see why you're in awe, since you grew up in a shoe box," I laughed, grabbing her hand as I dragged her toward the quite large front porch.

"Do you have a room here?" she asked quietly.

"No, I lived on the couch," Derek laughed. "Of course I have a room."

"No, I mean…is it your room still? Have they…is it the way you left it when you moved out?"

"Yeah, Mom left it exactly how it was when I moved out for college."

"Wow," Meredith smiled as I swung open the door. "Can I see it? I mean, obviously I can see it because I'm here and you can't not show it. But well…first. I want to…before you do the weird tour thing, I want to see it."

"Oh okay," I nodded. "Well…uhh…upstairs."

She grabbed my free hand as I led her upstairs, trying to ignore the way my heart was pounding. This was ridiculous. I was forty years old and leading my girlfriend to my old bedroom and I felt like a teenager all over again. Probably had something to do with my mom's odd rule that we weren't allowed to opposite sex in our bedroom ever. So no girl had come up here, not even Addison. It was mine. In a way nothing else had been, not even my trailer and I definitely wasn't exactly sure how to even share it with Meredith.

But I would figure it out.

Even if I only had a few more steps before I had to do so.

"You're nervous," her voice came from behind me as we approached the door with my name still on it.

"I'm not," I shook my head quickly.

"Derek, we basically live together, what do you have to be nervous of?" she asked, giggling softly.

Of course she'd be giggling about this.

"It's just…girls aren't allowed in my room, or they weren't when I was younger," I sighed. "Not counting my sisters…you're the first one."

"Wow," she grinned. "Now let me in."

"Fine," I sighed, throwing the door open.

Meredith's eyes widened further as she made her way into the room, taking in the blue walls and the dark furniture. It was actually exactly how I remembered it. The bed, the bookcase, everything looked like I might have just moved out a day before.

"Derek…it's like…a Derek shrine," Meredith breathed.

"A Derek shrine?" I laughed.

"Yeah…it's just…this room is so entirely…you," she whispered, looking around quickly. "There's…fishing and hockey and it's just…this is you. The books and the pictures…and oh, Der, you have a teddy bear. It's just…the trailer, it's you but it's not and this…this is you. I…it's all over. This entire place…it feels like you."

"It does?"

"Yeah," she sighed, nodding as she approached my desk and picked up a picture frame. "Oh Der…is this your dad?"

"Yeah," I nodded, walking up behind her to find a picture of my dad, Mark and I in her hands. I didn't have any pictures of him in Seattle, except for a small one in my wallet. I had left them all in New York when I had moved. And Addison had put them all in storage. I had nothing. Nothing at all of this life and suddenly it all felt entirely wrong. This was me, this was me that Meredith had never seen and it wasn't right. Before we left I needed to find some stuff to take back with me. I wrapped my arms tightly around her waist and looked over her shoulder. "It's Mark, my dad and me."

"You look just like him," Meredith murmured, leaning into me.

"People did always say he was good looking."

"You're such an idiot," she giggled, running her finger over Dad's face. "Why don't we have any pictures of him in Seattle?"

"I just picked up and left…left all my pictures here. Addison put them in storage here in the city."

"We need to take some home with us," she murmured. "Of everyone. We need your family around there too."

"I was just thinking that," I whispered, squeezing her tightly.

"So pictures," she smiled. "For our place."

"Our place."

"So it can be a Derek shrine too," she giggled.

_Every bit of air you're breathin' in  
A soothin' wind  
I wanna be inside your heaven_


	56. Chapter 56

She wouldn't stop moving.

I had collapsed onto my tiny bed ages ago but she was still buzzing around the room, picking everything up, studying everything carefully. I hadn't even thought she would have cared about this stuff but apparently she did. A lot. She was all excited and moving and non stop rambling about everything that she was finding. It was like she had just discovered Derek-land or something and I couldn't help but hope jet lag would set in soon.

That or I could find an off switch.

"Crap," she murmured, staring at something near my window.

"What's crap?"

"I'm dating the student council president," Meredith groaned, grabbing a Vote for Derek pin off my bulletin board to show to me. "Why did you not tell me about this ages ago…like before you started hitting on me in the bar?"

"Oh…so before you fell madly in love with me?"

"Yeah, that would have been good," she sighed, putting the pin back and studying a picture of me. "You weren't prom king, were you?"

"No," I laughed. "Definitely not prom king."

"Good," she nodded, trailing back toward my bed and hopefully finally stopping. "Because if you were student council president and prom king this would have to be over."

"I'll have you know, I was a rebel president. The staff hated me," I laughed. "I think they just took issue with my motorcycle."

"Okay, the motorcycle thing is pretty hot," Meredith giggled, falling onto the bed beside me.

"I've never had sex in this bed."

"Derek, I'm the first female in this room, I'd hope you haven't had sex on this bed," she giggled, rolling a little closer to me.

"I could have sex in this bed."

"Oh…you could?" she raised an eyebrow.

"It could be fun," I laughed gently, turning on my side to look at her better, reaching forward to rest my hand on her chest.

"Very high school," she nodded.

"I used the couch in high school," I groaned, as I rolled her onto her back, and moved to kneel over her. "The couch and worrying about my sisters walking in and catching me in a very compromising position."

"No sisters," she smiled, running her hand lightly along my growing erection.

"No sisters," I nodded, as I pulled her tshirt over her head, leaving her laying in my childhood bed, her breasts heaving against her black bra.

I had always had a thing for black bras.

"I love you," I murmured before leaning over and capturing her lips, kissing her gently, letting my tongue slowly slip into her mouth as my body pressed against hers. The kiss stayed gentle as I explored her mouth, allowing my hands to move up and down her sides as she moved under me. Her hands moved to tangle in my hair as she deepened the kiss, her hips rocking against me, demanding more.

"I love you too," she whispered, as my mouth left her so I could kiss and nip against the columns of her neck. She groaned loudly as I snaked my arms around her, forcing her body to arch into mine as I removed her bra. My mouth moved lower, my tongue sliding along the planes of her chest as she trembled below me, another loud groan escaping as I took one aroused nipple into my mouth and sucked on it gently. She gasped loudly as I bit softly, my hands working at undoing her pants.

"I like you naked in this bed," I murmured as I finally managed to pull her pants fully down.

"Hmmm…" she breathed, reaching toward me. "I want you."

"Good," I nodded, pulling my shirt over my head.

"Derek…you're…oh," she groaned as I rubbed my fingers along her already wet folds. Her hips rocked against my hand, pushing for more as I stroked her gently, feeling myself grow harder in my pants. I slipped a finger inside of her just as she reached to undo my jeans, pulling them over my hips and letting my growing erection free.

"Fuck…" I gasped as she grabbed it gently, running her hand up and down my length as I thrusted my finger in and out of her, watching as she squirmed around on the bed, her hips rocking up to meet my every thrust. Her body shook as she stroked me hard and I allowed my thumb to find her swollen clit to stroke it gently as I thrusted in and out of her with my fingers.

"Derek…" she murmured as her body spasmed around me.

I pulled back, shrugging the rest of the way out of my pants before pulling her back to me, silencing her tiny pants with a kiss as I slid into her, groaning into her mouth as she continued to clench my penis with the aftershocks of her orgasm. Her hips raised to meet mine with every downward thrust as we clung to each other, kissing each other hard as we moved together. I deepened the kiss and thrusted harder into her, moving my body over hers as she trembled again, gasping my name as her orgasm washed over her, pushing me over the edge closely behind.

"That was…" I murmured, gasping for breath as I rolled off of her.

"Yeah…yeah," she sighed, immediately rolling back to cuddle against my chest. "That…we broke in your bed…yeah."

"I'm glad I waited for you," I laughed breathlessly.

"Me too," she giggled, running her hand along my chest. "I can't believe we're actually in New York together. And in your bed. I never…I don't do this and I never planned on doing thing and now I'm here and I just…"

"I always planned this."

"You did?"

"Yeah," I nodded slowly. "I think I always planned on bringing you home with me one day. So you could meet everyone and…yeah."

"Oh," she breathed. "Can we…do you want to keep up the high school charade or can we stay here like this for a bit longer?"

"We can stay here."

"Good."

I felt her body melt into mine and I squeezed her tighter, smiling as my childhood teddy bear caught my eye. My Meredith was home with me. In my room, in my bed, completely immersed in my life in a way she hadn't been before.

And it felt damn good.

_The touch of your skin just pulls me in  
Every single time_


	57. Chapter 57

Something was ringing.

Meredith was still naked, cuddled tightly in my arms and I didn't have to open my eyes to know sunlight was streaming through the window. And somehow that made me miss the clouds in Seattle. I missed Seattle. And I definitely had no interest in opening my eyes or moving. Definitely not moving. She was all warm and cuddly in my arms and moving would ruin all of that.

And it wouldn't stop ringing.

"Der…you're phone," Meredith mumbled, her breath sending shivers along my naked skin.

"Make it stop."

"You make it stop," she groaned, burying herself deeper into my arms.

"You're on top of me," I pointed out.

"Ugh," she groaned, rolling off of me and grabbing her cell phone, giving me a cute glare. That probably wasn't actually supposed to be cute at all but still, entirely adorable. "Dr. Derek Shepherd's phone."

"Meredith?" I heard a female voice ask from the other end.

"Addison?" Meredith frowned at the phone.

Addison. My ex wife was on my phone with my current girlfriend. Which wasn't actually that much of a problem considering they did know each other. Except for we hadn't actually heard from Addison since she had left for Los Angelas. And now Meredith was sitting in my childhood bed, the one Addison had never seen, entirely naked and on the phone with my ex wife. This wasn't bad, it was…awkward, entirely totally awkward.

"Yeah…he's here," Meredith nodded, rubbing my arm obviously trying to grab my attention.

"Sorry, I called," I heard Addison's voice coming from the other end. "Nancy called me and told me about Mom but I haven't heard from her, so I just thought…"

"It's fine. I mean…it's…this isn't awkward," Meredith shook her head quickly even though I was the only one that could see her. "It's good, it's good you called, you knew her and well…it's okay that you called."

"Okay…I figured he would have gone to New York to be with the family," Addison sighed.

"Oh umm…I…we…we came. Both of us…to New York, we're here and he's…he's here," Meredith nodded again. "You should…he's right here. And now he's shaking his head because he's…lazy. And being lazy and you should…you can talk to him. About his mom and New York and well whatever you want to talk to him about because he was…you were…just, you can talk."

"If he's…I can talk to you…"

"No, no, he's here," Meredith said quickly, pushing the phone toward me, her glare entirely full now. "Talk to your ex-wife."

"Why?"

"Because I don't want to," Meredith murmured, shoving the phone into my hands.

I rolled my eyes at her and quickly grabbed the phone and her hand, bringing her back down to rest her head on my chest. "Hi Addison."

"Derek…hi," Addison sighed.

"Ummm…how are you?" I frowned. This was awkward. No matter how good of terms Addison and I had been on when she left, I had no interest in talking on the phone with her when I had been laying around naked with Meredith.

"Good," came the answer. "How's your Mom? Nancy called and said she had a heart attack…"

"It wasn't a heart attack," I shook my head quickly, smiling as Meredith ran her hand over my chest. "Just chest pains…we're still waiting for test results but they're releasing her tomorrow. She's okay."

"Oh that's good, that's great," Addison responded. "I was worried and I probably shouldn't have been."

"No…it's okay," I sighed. "You two were close."

"We were. So umm…you brought Meredith with you?"

"Actually…she brought herself, I didn't have that much of a choice in the matter," I laughed softly, watching the smile cross Meredith's face. "But yes, she is here."

"You let her meet your Mom?"

"I did. Which actually went…a lot better than I thought it would go."

"It did?"

"Meredith held her own," I smiled proudly.

"So you two…you're good?"

"Honestly…yeah, we are, Addie," I nodded, even though she couldn't see me as I hugged Meredith even tighter. "It was rocky for a bit but now…everything kind of feels perfect."

"I'm happy for you…both of you."

"How are things in LA?" I asked because I actually did care.

"Good, weird," Addie sighed. "It's different, things are different. Sam and Naomi hate each other and the people here are just…it's a lot different than New York and Seattle."

"Different can be good," I volunteered.

"It is," she responded. "You and Meredith should come visit sometime."

"We should?"

"Derek, we finished on good terms. Well we didn't but by the time I moved here we were on good terms and it's LA. Of course you should come."

"Oh…okay," I sighed, watching Meredith frown at me. "We'll see what happens. I don't think Webber will be letting us out again anytime soon after we just disappeared for a week."

"Probably not," Addison laughed. "But when you need a break from the rain, feel free to jet down."

"We will," I nodded. "Have you talked to Mark?"

A silence came from the other end of the line.

"Did he go to New York with you?" she asked after some time.

"Yeah, he's here," I nodded into the phone. "Actually, probably somewhere in the house. You should call him."

"Yeah…maybe."

"Addie, regardless of everything that happened…we were all friends at one point."

"I know…you know what, Derek? I have to go. Tell Meredith I said it was nice talking to her and…we'll talk again sometime."

"Okay," I sighed. "Thanks for calling. I'll tell Mom."

"Bye Derek."

"Bye Addison."

Silence fell over the room as I flipped my phone shut and placed it back on the bed side table, letting Meredith stay rested against my chest. That had been, I wasn't actually sure what that had been. She had been my family for eleven years and I had loved her. A part of me still loved her.

Another part of me had been laying in bed naked with the love of my life when she called.

"Are you okay?" Meredith finally asked, her voice gentle and quiet.

"Yeah," I nodded slowly. "I didn't think she'd call, I didn't even think anyone would call her after…everything."

"Yeah," she murmured against my chest.

"I'm sorry she kind of interrupted," Derek sighed. "That was…she's my ex-wife and she…she was part of the family, I'm happy she called but that was definitely entirely awkward. Sorry."

"Not your fault," Meredith sighed. "Are you…do you…miss her? I'm not jealous. I…you love me and we're in New York and we're naked in your childhood bed. We're good. Just…eleven years and I assume it was…a long time, so it's okay, it's okay if you miss her."

"I miss Addison my friend," I admitted quietly. "Like I miss Burke…actually I miss Burke more but Addison my wife…"

"Not at all?" she asked, and I couldn't miss the hope in her voice.

"Not one bit," I smile.

"Good," she breathed.

"I love you, Mer."

"I love you too, Derek," she whispered, nestling back fully against my chest as her breathing evened out again. I let my own eyes fall close, even though I had no idea what time it was. I didn't actually care that much. I was just happy to be sleeping with Mer in my childhood bed.

_I watch you sleepin, your body touchin me_

_There's no doubt about it this is where I want to be_

_You know it's so ironic, I had to lose to win_


	58. Chapter 58

"Mer, you have to get dressed," I sighed, trying to keep my voice calm. Not that I wasn't calm. Of course I was calm. It wasn't actually bugging me that my girlfriend chose this moment for freak out for the first time since we had gotten to New York. I didn't care that my Mom would be getting home any second and my girlfriend was pacing around my bedroom entirely naked and freaking out. She looked amazing naked, and kind of cute freaking out. I didn't actually care.

Except for that part about my mom being on her way home.

"Yes, Derek, I have to get dressed," Meredith nodded, continuing to pace around the room, her arms crossed in front of her bare chest. "I have to get dressed and I have nothing to wear. Because your mom is scary. Really scary and no one actually bothered to tell me that. So yes, I have to get dressed."

"Mer…breathe," I groaned, falling back onto the bed. "She likes you so I'm not quite sure why you're freaking."

"Did she actually say she liked me?"

"No, but she insinuated it," I shrugged. "She made me promise not to screw this up and she's letting you stay here. She likes you, trust me on this one."

"No, no she doesn't," Meredith shook her head quickly. "She just…she couldn't actually not let me stay here because I'm your girlfriend. She doesn't…this is going to be bad. She can't like me, she barely knows me and what she does know. It's bad."

"Mer, there's nothing bad to know."

"Derek…I…the one night stands and the tequila. We lied to her, we lied to her because we met…we met because I'm a dirty whore. She's going to hate me. If she doesn't already hate me she definitely is going to hate me. She will find out things somehow and then she'll hate me. Parents don't like me. I am not….people don't bring me home and you did and she's…scary, Derek, your mom is scary and she is definitely going to figure out she hates me. There is…this is going to be really bad. And you…you need to stop smirking like that. It's annoying."

"I'm not smirking."

"You are. You have that annoying look you get on your face when you think I'm being cute. And this…this is not cute. This is bad. This is so incredibly bad. She's going to hate me and she's going to ban you from seeing me. She'll kick me out of the house, out of the city and then…then we'll never see each other again."

"Mer…you do realize I'm a grown man, right?"

"Yes," Meredith nodded quickly. "But that…she won't stop just because you're old. I didn't mean old, I meant…okay, maybe I meant old. Because you are. Not bad old, just old, older than me old. Which…that's bad too. I'm like…a kid and you're all old and your mom is going to think it's a mid life crisis or I'm after your money, which I'm not but it's another reason for her to hate me."

"Meredith Elizabeth Grey…breathe."

"You…did you just middle name me?"

"I did," I nodded slowly. "Because you need to relax. You've met her already and you didn't freak out this bad."

"She was sick, Derek. She was…we had no idea how she was but it was bad and you…you needed me to be strong. You needed me so I couldn't freak out but now I can. And I am. Because I'm me. And mother don't like me. Mothers don't even meet me. Trust me, Derek, you do not want me to talking to your mother."

"Mer…I do," I sighed, running my fingers through my hair. "I brought you, didn't I?"

"No, I just…I pushed, which was insane, completely insane. You didn't invite me. You probably didn't…I assumed because we're and you didn't…you didn't. I don't even know why, I should probably just leave and you can…forget any of this ever happened."

"Officially crazy."

"Excuse me?"

"Mer…you've managed to turn a little cute freak out into some crazy thing about me not wanting you to meet my family."

"You didn't invite me."

"I didn't invite you because I didn't think you'd want to come," I sighed. "You don't do families and this was…I want you here, Mer. I know the meaning of the word no, I would have used it. Or at least made up some lame excuse about how it was better I did this alone."

"Okay, you didn't but your mom…"

"My mom talked to you for a few minutes so she has no idea what to think of you," I shrugged. "But it was enough for her to want to get to know you better and that's something Mer."

"But…she could change her mind."

"She could," I nodded slowly. "But you have no idea how many girlfriends and boyfriends she's met and hated with one glance. Her wanting to get to know you is great."

"Okay…" Meredith murmured, chewing her bottom lip.

"And if she does decide she hates you…" I sighed, grabbing for Meredith's hand and dragging her so she stood at the bed in front of me. "I'll be extremely concerned for her sanity. And more importantly, I'll grab your hand and we'll be on the next flight back to Seattle. No more mom or sisters if they can't figure out how damn amazing you are."

"I'm not amazing."

"Mer…I told you what happened, and you who doesn't do families started packing a bag like there was no other choice. Then we got here and you of the freak out waited till now when we know my mom's okay to actually freak out…pretty damn amazing to me."

"When you put it like that…"

"You're amazing," I breathed, wrapping my arms around her bare waist. "And my mom and everyone else is going to love you. Because you make me happier than I've ever been."

"I do?" she giggled softly.

"You do," I nodded. "So my family definitely won't hate you."

"I hope not," she sighed.

"They won't."

"Sorry I freaked."

"I was waiting for it. I loved it."

"I love you."

"I love you too," I smiled. "Now throw on some clothes and we'll head downstairs."

_If I didn't believe in you  
We'd never have gotten this far  
If I didn't believe in you  
And all of the ten thousand women you are_


	59. Chapter 59

Your sisters are on the way over.

The simple sentence had been repeating in my head for the last ten minutes since Mom had gotten home and informed Meredith and I that they were indeed coming over. My very loud, room filling sisters. I had known this was coming the second I had agreed to bring Meredith with me, I just didn't think it would be coming like this. We were supposed to be sad or scared or something besides perfectly fine.

Not that I wasn't actually happy that everyone was perfectly fine.

It just wasn't supposed to happen this way.

At all.

"Derek," Meredith hissed from beside me. "You…you said they weren't…they're not all like…Nancy, are they?"

"No," I shook my head quickly. "They're nice, you'll like them."

"Or I could just hide in the room again."

I shook my head silently as I squeezed her hand. I figured talking would have been a bad idea as I would have ended up saying something to the affect of it possibly being a good idea for her to go hide and an even better idea for me to join her. It would probably be a lot easier to hide under the covers until they were gone instead of having to stand here and have to field all the questions and looks and everything else my sisters were going to throw at me. Hiding under the covers was definitely the better option. Of course I didn't have the option to say that to Meredith.

"Derek…why aren't you talking?" Meredith whispered.

"Freaking out."

"What?"

"I didn't just say that," I shook my head quickly. "Ignore me."

"Derek, if you're freaking out…"

The door opened before she could finish her question, which was just as well as I wasn't exactly sure how to answer what I knew was coming.

"Anyone here?" someone yelled from the front.

Kathleen.

Of course Kathleen had to be the first one. She was the one I was worried about most, she was the one I was terrified about. And she had to show up when I was still fighting the urge to run upstairs and hide. Which was of course something she would pick up on right away. Kathleen had definitely not been the sister I had wanted to see first.

Sam would have been fine.

Everyone else sucked.

Yes, I know that I sound immature even in my own head.

"Back in the kitchen," I finally shouted back, wondering where Mom could have possibly disappeared to.

"Derek!" Kathleen shouted as she suddenly appeared in the kitchen, throwing herself into my arms to hug me tightly. "I can't believe you actually came. We didn't think you would."

"We thought Mom was sick, Kath," I reminded her gently as I hugged her tight.

"I know," she sighed, pulling away and eyeing me carefully. She had a very bad habit of eyeing people far too carefully to be comfortable. Or maybe it was just me she did that too. "Derek, you look like you want to be hiding somewhere else. I'm not that bad."

"Of course not," I protested quickly.

"But you're terrified of me meeting the girl you brought home," Kathleen grinned.

"She's not the girl I brought home," I rolled my eyes, turning around to pull Meredith out from her hiding place behind me. "I brought my girlfriend home. Kathleen…this is Meredith. Meredith…this is my oldest sister, Kathleen."

"Nice to meet you," Meredith murmured quietly.

"You too, Meredith," Kathleen smiled. "I'd love to tell you I've heard all about you but my brother is apparently an idiot."

"He can be," Meredith giggled.

"Oh, I like you already," Kathleen grinned. "Derek has brought home far too many women who seem to think he's some kind of god."

"I've met those women," Meredith nodded. "I'm not one…he's…he's pretty good at being an idiot."

"I really do like you," Kathleen giggled. "Thanks for bringing her, Derbear."

"Oh of course," I rolled my eyes.

I probably should have guessed they would be getting along this well. Looking at them taking I wasn't even sure why I had been nervous. Probably had something to do with not wanting to admit that Meredith actually reminded me of my most annoying sister. That was just beyond top frightening to actually consider. Meredith and Kathleen were getting along.

This should be a happy thing.

And it was.

If it didn't mean I was screwed.

I heard the door open again.

Round two.

"Where is everyone?" Sam's voice came from the front.

"We're in the kitchen," Kathleen shouted back. "I'm getting to know our brother's entirely lovely girlfriend."

"Isn't she great?" Sam asked as she joined us, giving me a tight hug before pulling Meredith into one, even as she talked like Meredith wasn't in the room. Sam had a habit of doing that. "I completely love her and she seems perfect for him. He hasn't actually stopped smiling that much. And Mom…she's not about to say it, but she loves her to."

"Sammie…standing right here," I laughed softly.

"Yeah, I know," Sam shrugged.

"Meredith was just telling me about the new set of interns from this year that seem to think Derbear is some kind of god," Kathleen laughed.

"Oh god…you find them sickening too, right?" Sam asked.

"Definitely," Meredith giggled, smiling quickly at me as she took my hand. "Derek is just…Derek."

"Exactly," Sam sighed. "You should have been around here when I was younger. All my friends seemed to think my older brother was the hottest thing around."

"Well he's not bad," Meredith grinned, squeezing my hand.

"We'll forgive you since you're dating him," Kathleen laughed. "And all of my friends thought Markie was the hotter one anyway."

"Hey…" I protested, pulling Meredith toward me. "No insults in front of the girlfriend."

"But that's the best time," Sam grinned as Meredith giggled some more.

This was good, this was actually amazing. Meredith had gone from pacing in my room, completely naked and completely gorgeous to giggling with my two favourite sisters about me in high school and seeming completely at ease with my family, or at least part of my family.

I figured it was best not to think about the other part.

The door open and closed again.

Crap.

"Anyone here?" Nancy called.

"I think I hear giggling from the back," Jennifer's voice answered.

Both of them.

Of course the deadly twosome had come together. The two other sisters, the two I was sandwiched between age wise, that had a bond closer than I wanted to think about. And one of who already wasn't a very big fan of Meredith's.

"We're all back here," Sam shouted to them.

"Wow, you did mean all," Nancy sighed as she came to the kitchen. "Derek, good to see you finally made it home."

"Neurosurgery keeps me busy," I shrugged, feeling Meredith squeeze my hand tightly, for her benefit or my own, I wasn't sure.

"I'm sure that's all that does," Nancy smirked. "Nice to see you, Meredith."

"You too," Meredith murmured, looking at the ground.

"Jennifer," I smiled, pulling Meredith closer to me, if that was even possible at this point. "Good to see you."

"Derek, don't be ridiculous, right now you're wishing I was anywhere but here."

Yes.

"Of course not, Jen. It's been too long."

"Yeah, of course," Jen rolled her eyes. We had never quite managed to get along. "And you must be Meredith."

"Yes…I'm…yes."

"She's young…."

"No, Jen…and Nancy, before you even start. Stop. Meredith is my girlfriend. I love her. I plan on marrying her. You don't have to like her. I don't actually expect you to. But please, for once just keep your mouth shut."

"Go Derek," Sam grinned.

"We weren't going to…"

"You were. Don't."

Silence fell over us. We had always been like this, three against two. Mom had never understood it, no one had ever understood it but somehow that's how we had bonded. It probably should have stopped now that we were all older, successful doctors at the tops of our fields. And it still hadn't. And now we stood here, staring at each other with my amazing girlfriend that didn't do family stuck in the middle.

This was probably really bad on the Meredith front.

"Meredith….did Mark ever tell you about the time he got Derek to wear a dress?" Kathleen asked.

"Really?" Meredith giggled. "A dress?"

I felt Meredith's hand relax in my own even as she still held it tightly.

It was going to be okay.

_When you think that no one is there to hold your hand_

_I am_


	60. Chapter 60

**Disclaimer: If I owned the show today would be premiere day. Or probably not as the network would make me wait. But I'd be able to watch it so it would be premiere day for me.**

**Sorry this took so damn long. With summer vacation being here, my family has been crazy busy with everything. I feel like I barely have time to breathe but in a good way. Just a way that makes updating a little hard sometimes. But here it is now. And it's cute fluffiness to break up all the drama of them being in New York City. Everyone needs cute fluffiness sometimes.**

**Enjoy!  
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I could breathe again.

Not that I wasn't breathing at home. I was breathing, just not all that well. Which happened when I was just waiting for something to go entirely completely wrong. Everything was going perfectly fine. Meredith wasn't freaking out. My family seemed to love her. Everything was going perfectly.

And I figured eventually the shoe would drop.

But not right now, right now we were strolling through Central Park, holding hands and shopping bag and I could breathe.

"I can't actually believe you grew up here," Meredith sighed.

"Why not?"

"You live in a trailer, Der," she shrugged. "Or you did, you lived in a trailer. On that land with all the trees. And fishing, you go fishing and on walks through the trees."

"You do know we're walking through trees right now," I pointed out.

"It's…different," she shrugged. "This is a park, you don't do parks. And this is…it's New York City, Derek. You don't do New York City."

"I grew up here."

"I know. It seems…wrong."

"I lived in the suburbs if that helps," I shrugged. "Not actually in Manhattan. Well, Addie and I had a place here."

"It's not you," Meredith frowned. "You're…Seattle and ferry boats and fishing and not this."

"I was…different."

"How were you different?" she asked gently.

She was smiling warmly at me, something resembling fear mixed in her eyes. We didn't talk about this. Even when we talked about Addison, we never really talked about my life before her, what had been my life in New York. It wasn't a banned subject, it wasn't even that awkward of subject, just one we had never actually come across. Until now, while we were walking through Central Park hand in hand and enjoying breathing again.

"I wasn't me," I admitted quietly.

"Who were you?" she whispered, squeezing my hand.

"I was…New York," I shrugged after a second. I had never even thought of it like this, never put it into words. "I did what I needed to do to live here. I was the…guy from New York City. I lived and breathed for my job, I entertained. I wore a lot of suits."

"You hate suits," she murmured.

"I know. I hated life here."

"Oh Der…"

"No," he shook his head. "Don't feel sorry for me. I thought I was happy, I really did. It was my life and I didn't know anything different. I didn't complain. So don't feel sorry for me, it was the life I chose."

"But you were miserable."

"I was," I nodded slowly. "I was bored and I had settled into it. I wasn't in love with Addison, I hated my job. Looking back…yes, I was miserable."

"Mark sleeping with Addison was the best thing that ever happened to you," she nodded slowly.

"No," I shook my head. "You were."

"Derek…" she giggled lightly.

"Actually…Seattle was," I sighed. "I got there and it felt like…I was me again, and I didn't even know who that was supposed to be at that point. Just that Seattle…"

"Was home."

"Exactly," I sighed. "With my family, and Addison and my practice…I felt like I had to be something here, I had to fit into this strange mold that I just didn't fit."

"And now…"

"No mold," I shook my head. "I really am the fisherman who lives in a trailer in the middle of no where and cuts into brains for fun."

"Used to live in a trailer," she giggled.

"I miss it," I sighed.

"Seattle or the trailer?"

"Both," I frowned. "I'm glad I'm here, I'm really glad you're here but I miss Seattle. And the trailer…am I allowed to say I hate your roommates?"

"Please do," she rolled her eyes. "I can't kick them out, can I?"

"No, I don't think so."

"That's crap."

Silence fell between us as we made our way further down the path. This really was perfect. It was the most perfect thing I had found yet in New York. Trees and Meredith I knew. Walking through the trees with Meredith I definitely knew. Suddenly New York wasn't feeling so foreign to me anymore, so much like a place I didn't belong. I belonged anywhere Meredith was.

And I wasn't going to say that out loud ever.

She would definitely see to my death.

If I ever thought it again I'd probably see to my own death.

"We should get a dog."

"And random comment of the year award goes to…" I laughed.

"It's not random," she giggled. "We're walking and talking and there are trees, lots of trees. And a path, I mean our path was less…path like but it's still a path. And I miss Doc. So we should…dog."

"We can get a dog," I nodded, smiling widely.

"Good."

"Good."

Silence fell, perfect comfortable silence that made me think of some cheesy love scene from a cheesy love movie that had cheesy love music playing in the background. It felt like we were supposed to be silent. Actually it felt like maybe now would be a good time to propose except for the ring was at home, hidden away until it really was the time.

Something told me she wouldn't like a ringless proposal in Central Park on our one day escaping from the insanity of my family.

"Der?"

"Hmmm…"

"Are you happy?"

And the most insane question in the history of the world goes to…

"Of course, I'm happy," I answer quickly.

"No, I mean…" she sighed, chewing her bottom lip slightly. "Here…you thought you were happy. With Addison and Mark and everything and then he slept with her and then you were…you came to Seattle and everything here was less happy. What if…"

"Meredith, I'm happy," I nodded firmly. "I was content here, I never even used the word happy, but Seattle, with you…definitely happy. Beyond happy."

"Oh okay."

"So we're getting a dog."

Yep.

Definitely happy.

_You can take this world away  
You're everything I am  
Just read the lines upon my face  
I'm all about lovin' you_

**So that's all there is to that, just some cuteness and them talking about New York Derek. Because I firmly believe Derek was very unhappy in New York on some level. He wasn't living his own life, he was just following the line and whatnot. And I felt they needed to explore that to explain Derek's newer, real happiness. So yes, they talked.**

**Next update will be up momentarily.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	61. Chapter 61

The other side of the bed was empty.

That was wrong. The other side of the bed wasn't supposed to be empty. We had fallen asleep wrapped in each other's arms, which had to happen on a bed that tiny. And now she was gone. She was never gone when I woke up. Even when she had to work early and I didn't, we woke up together. Waking up alone just didn't happen any more.

Waking up alone felt intrinsically wrong.

I moved slowly as I got out of bed. She had to be somewhere. She was there when I had fallen asleep. She had definitely been there and completely naked. Which meant she couldn't have actually gotten that far as she didn't even know New York City. She wouldn't have gone out alone, or without even telling me. She was somewhere and it would be best if I ignored the fact I was entirely thrown off by the idea of not waking up beside her. Because a voice that sounded far too much like Mark was calling me pathetic.

It wasn't pathetic to feel weird waking up without her.

It wasn't.

A soft giggle came from downstairs as I padded my way out of my room. Sometimes it was quite handy to have a girlfriend with the world's most distinctive giggle. I had a way of finding her without even trying.

"He had flowers delivered to me at work. I couldn't actually believe it and my best friend was entirely disgusted," Meredith's soft voice trailed up the stairs.

"He learned well being raised with four sisters," my mom's voice followed.

"He did. He's kind of perfect."

I should probably go back up stairs.

Or start making a lot of noise so that they knew I was coming and would stop talking about me.

Except for they were talking about me, they were talking about me being perfect apparently. And it wasn't exactly something I should be listening to but one doesn't get to hear about how they're perfect all that often and it seemed a little silly not to listen to this.

And they were bonding, I couldn't interrupt bonding.

"You both really love each other, I can see that," Mom said, and I could hear the smile in her voice.

My mom was apparently not as blind as I worried she was.

Definitely couldn't interrupt now.

"We do," Meredith answered, her voice taking on soft tones that I didn't often hear from her. "It's been…a complete and total mess for most of the time. But I love him. I really do. And he's…we love each other. We do."

"Of course you do, dear. Derek said something about things being hard but…"

"My life's been crap, Mrs. Shepherd."

"Please, call me Katherine," Mom sighed and from the small gasp that Meredith made I can only imagine she grabbed Meredith's hand. "You don't have to tell me about it if you don't want to."

"No…I…I do. And talking, talking is good. Derek and I…we're working on my talking skills and I think…I mean, we're going to be family. I think. In the future we're supposed to…and I should definitely…talk. You should know. You should definitely know what your son is planning on marrying."

"I know who he's planning on marrying…the woman he loves. That's all I need to know, Meredith."

"But you want to know more."

"Well…I'd be lying if I said I didn't want my son's girlfriend to be a complete mystery to me."

"So talking, I can do talking."

"Whatever you feel ready to tell me."

I had never actually heard Meredith talk about herself before. Ever. She talked about things to me sometimes, and probably the passing comment to Cristina but she didn't sit down and talk about herself. She never did. She wasn't programmed to talk about herself. It was a complete and total battle to even get her to tell me, the love of her life, how she was feeling.

"My life…Derek, he had the perfect life. I know his dad died and that was…that probably insensitive to just say it like that but I know it hasn't been perfect perfect but you love him and his sisters love him. And normal. This is normal. Derek comes from normal. I don't."

"No one said you had to," Mom murmured.

"I know, I know…it's just…my dad left when I was five. My mom was…she cheated on him with…someone. And he left. Really left. I didn't…I never had a dad. When I was five I lost my dad."

"That couldn't have been easy," Mom whispered.

"It…it was my life," Meredith murmured as I fought the urge to run in and hug her. She had this. I knew she had this. "And my mom…she was one of the first major female surgeons in the country."

"Well that is impressive."

"It is. But she was…work came first. Work always came first so I was…nannies, I had a lot of nannies."

"Oh Meredith…I'm so sorry. I never understood the kind of mother that did that," Mom sighed.

"Neither did I," Meredith murmured. "I won't be. I mean…we haven't. I don't know if we'll have kids but if we do, I won't. My job is important, like really important but Derek is…he's Derek and if we have kids they'll be. If we have kids they'll be my world. I can…I don't know how to actually be a mom but if we decide to have…I'll figure it out and no nannies. I promise no nannies."

"I know I've already asked but…do you want children? Regardless of whatever you've been through…do you want children with my son?"

This is what happened when someone eavesdropped on conversations, they were forced to pretend their heart wasn't pounding in their chests.

"I…think…maybe."

Maybe.

She had said maybe.

"You'll be a good mother."

"I…no, Mrs. Shepherd…I…no," Meredith protested quickly. "I didn't have a mother and I don't…I don't even know how to be a mom. I'll be a crap mom. Complete crap. You don't want…no."

"Meredith…you don't need to know anything," Mom sighed. "I can tell, just talking to you, getting to know you, how my son talks about you. You'll have no problem being a good mother."

"Oh," Meredith breathed.

"Derek told me about your mother and stepmother, dear, I'm sorry to hear you've had such a hard year."

"Thanks…" Meredith laughed harshly. "You have no idea how hard it was."

"But it's better now, isn't it?"

"It's…." Meredith sighed and I heard her giggly softly again. "Yeah, it is. It's…life is still complicated and it's a mess. I'm not sure my life will ever be easy but…it's better. Derek and I…we're good. We're happy and he makes…he makes everything a lot better. I love him, Mrs. Shepherd, I do."

I had never heard her more convinced of everything in my life. And I quickly blinked back tears.

Tears that I never would admit were there.

And suddenly I felt my body really fully relax for the first time in possibly months. For the first time quite possibly ever…we were really and truly in an amazing place.

_For once I can touch_

_What my heart used to dream of_

_Long before I knew_

_Someone warm like you_

_Could make my dream come true_

**So I really thought it was important that Meredith and Mama Shep have that talk. I also thought it was important that Derek hear what Meredith had to say but I couldn't see her saying those kind of things when he was sitting right there so he eavesdropped. And got to hear how much Meredith has grown, how she might want children, how much his mom likes her and mainly how sure she is that she loves him. I just thought all of that was...important for them both to know where everyone stands.**

**I'll try to get another update up tonight depending on comments.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	62. Chapter 62

**Disclaimer: I don't own the show but I could see where people would think I did as it's the only reason for having a summer long hiatus.**

**Okay, let me say a huge apology for disappearing like I did. I had a crazy and hectic summer, it was one of those summers that it's now fall and I'm wearing warm clothes and I have no idea where the summer even went. It was busy and gah. Let's go with gah. I mean, it was good just...I didn't have nearly as much time of my own as I wanted to have. Of course I did meet Patrick Dempsey...**

**But yes, life got hectic but things are returning to a more normal schedule now so here is an update is anyone is still interested in this fic. It's nearly done so yeah...enjoy!**

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"Derek, stop eating my fries," Meredith giggled softly, trying to pout as she swatted my hand away from her plate.

"But I'm hungry for fries."

"If you're hungry for fries you might have actually ordered some fries," she rolled her eyes at me, letting me grab one as she tried to stop the giggling. "Instead of eating all of mine."

"But I'd rather eat your fries," I smirked.

"Well you can't," she smiled, swatting at my hand again. "And I have no idea how you can be hungry after everything you ate at breakfast."

"I had a bowl of Muesli."

"Yes," she nodded. "And then you had that muffin and a banana. I didn't have breakfast and I'm hungry. So no fries for you."

"It's not my fault my mom doesn't stock left over pizza and grilled cheese for you," I laughed softly.

"Derek!" she hissed, her eyes opening wide before she turned to my mom, shaking her head quickly. "He's…lying. I mean, no, he's not. He's just…I don't…I sometimes do but most of the time…no. I don't. Leftover grilled cheese is not a breakfast. I know this."

"I thought we were past the rambling, dear," Mom sighed.

"Oh…I'm not," she shook her head again. "I'm not rambling, I'm just…he's…I eat healthy. I do. I'm not…I'm not as healthy as Derek but that's, most people aren't as healthy as Derek. Not that that's bad. He's…you did a good job with him, a really good job. And I'm not…I eat healthy. Sometimes. When Derek makes me."

"You're not a healthy eater?" Mom frowned slightly.

"I am," Meredith said quickly. "Just…crap. I knew I was going to blow this. You were and we were…and now. I'm not what you pictured for Derek. I'm a mess and I'm not the girl you wanted Derek to bring home."

"Oh," Mom smiled warmly. "You're exactly the girl I always dreamed of my Derek bringing home."

"What?" Meredith and I asked in unison.

Crap.

I probably shouldn't has said that too, because now Meredith was frowning at me in a way that made me think that quite possibly she was planning on killing me.

I had fully expected my mom to love Meredith.

I would actually be willing to bet that it was impossible to do anything but love Meredith Grey. I knew my mom would love her. If for no other reason than that I loved her and that she made me happier than I had ever been, albeit a little cheesy in my own head. I knew it was going to be fine. I just hadn't actually expected my mom to say something like that. Because my mom had loved Addison who was so completely the opposite of Meredith in so many ways, and I had no idea what she was really going to think of Meredith for me. I didn't think she was going to think Meredith was perfect for me.

Even though Meredith was so clearly entirely perfect for me.

"What do you mean what?" Mom frowned at both of us.

"It's just…" I sighed, turning to smile at Meredith quickly. "Mer, don't get this wrong, I love you more than…anything but…Mom, she's…kind of is a mess. And entirely beautiful mess but…you said Addison was…"

"Derek, you loved Addison."

"Yeah…but…"

"Addison was a lovely girl," Mom shrugged. "You loved her and you were happy. At the time…that's all I was going to ask for. She fit your lifestyle, Derek. But she never quite fit you. Meredith does."

"I do?" Meredith asked, her hand going to squeeze mine.

"You do," Mom nodded, smiling warmly at us. "Watching you together…it reminds me of myself and Michael, Derek's father. We were…watching you together is like watching two parts of one whole. You're just…you work together beautifully. I'm probably doing horrible at explaining it and Derek you're far too young to remember it."

"No, Mom," I nodded. "I get it. I know what you mean. We're…I get it."

"Good," Mom grinned widely. "It's really wonderful to watch you together, you seem so happy and so in love. I'm glad Derek found you, Meredith."

"You…but…I'm…mess, I'm a complete and total mess," Meredith shook her head.

"Which, if anything, makes you all that more perfect for my son. Too many things have come far too easily for him so I'm happy to see him actually have to work for something a little. You challenge him, you make him be better than he thought he could. It's wonderful, Meredith. And you're not a mess, you're obviously very strong."

"Strong?" Meredith whispered.

"Incredibly strong," Mom nodded wisely. "With the year you've had, partially at Derek's fault, you have to be strong to be still standing."

"Oh," Meredith breathed, her hand squeezing mine tighter. "I'm…no. I…there's been times, Mrs. Shepherd that…I haven't been strong, you don't know but…I haven't been strong."

"Meredith…there's been times when you wanted to crawl somewhere dark and alone and just give up?"

Meredith nodded mutely, her eyes beginning to fill with tears.

"I know a thing or two about that," Mom sighed. "After I lost Michael, the love of my life, there were plenty of days I wanted to stay in bed and just…die. Derek, close your mouth, I know you've never heard this before but I'm not even talking you. Meredith, there was plenty of days I wanted to give up. Being strong isn't about not wanting to give up."

"But I did," Meredith whispered.

I tried to hide my surprise, I really did. I had never expected her to admit that to anyone but me, even if my mom was apparently entirely enchanted by her.

"There was a day I secretly snuck a packed bag out of the house, and told Kathleen to watch her younger siblings and Mark. I spent the next two hours driving around the city trying to decide what to do because I had no idea how to raise those six children without my Michael."

"Mom…" I breathed.

"Derek, I already said I wasn't speaking to you," Mom sighed, before turning her full attention back on Meredith. "I know there's still a lot I have to learn about you and trust me, I plan to. But the fact you're sitting here, giving my idiot of a son a chance, meeting his entirely too large family…after the year both of you have had…it says a lot more about your inner strength than a bit of giving up ever could."

"Oh…" Meredith whispered.

"Derek was raised by a strong woman if I can give myself that title," Mom shrugged. "I would be insulted if Derek brought home a woman that wasn't just a strong."

"I could…I'd never…" Meredith murmured, wiping a tear off her cheek. "I couldn't raise six children alone, I'm not that strong."

"Now that's just nonsense," Mom laughed softly. "You're the kind of woman who could do anything you had to to survive in this world. And that…it makes you perfect for my son."

"I…am?"

"You are," Mom nodded, standing up from the table. "Now if you'll excuse me, I need to use the ladies' room and it looks like you could both use a moment alone together. When I get back you can both tell me all about life at that hospital of yours."

"Are you okay?" I whispered, letting go of her hand as my mom walked away, shifting my chair so I could lace an arm around her shoulders.

"I…I…I have no idea," she murmured as she leaned into me.

"That was…I don't even know what that was," I shook my head.

"I think she loves me," Meredith whispered, turning to look at me, tears still swimming in her eyes. "I know…I knew you said she was going to love me because you love me and that was…that was good, I was good with that. But that, she…I think she loves me. Because I'm me. She loves me."

"She's a Shepherd," I shrugged, squeezing her tightly. "I think we're genetically engineered to love you."

"I love you," she whispered, a strange urgency in her voice that wasn't usually there. "I love you. And I love…I love this, I love what you brought to my life and what you've done for my life and what you made me and I love you. In a really…all those cheesy things and all that, I love you."

I stared into her tear filled eyes as I blinked quickly, knowing that tears were brimming in my own and hoping to hold them back because I was not going to cry in the middle of a crowded restaurant.

If I had the ring I'd be on one know right now though.

Instead I just kissed her and repeated the words she had just whispered to me.

_I only know that  
I am better where you are  
I only know that I belong  
where you are_

**So yeah, I really felt like Meredith needed to hear those things. I think she needed to hear that the family wasn't just accepting her because Derek loves her but because the family loves her too. I think they both needed to hear those things, to know that they were doing the right thing and that she really does fit him. An affirmation of what they already knew.**

**And now the next update will follow immediately after to make up for the wait.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	63. Chapter 63

"Where is everyone?" I asked Jen as I grabbed an apple out of the bowl sitting on the counter.

"Mom is out doing groceries or something. Nancy had a patient she needed to check on. And Sam and Kathleen took Meredith out shopping," Jen shrugged. "So yes, that means you're stuck with me."

Meredith was out shopping with two of my sisters, my two favourite sisters. And I had done nothing to make it happen. That was actually kind of amazing and perfect. Possibly everything I could have wished for. That was really good. Really really good. Me being stuck alone with Jen wasn't good. It was more like crap.

"I'm stuck with you," I attempted a smile.

I loved Jen.

She was my little sister. She had only been two years behind me in school. I loved her. We had grown up in a tight family and it had always been the six of us against the world. The Shepherds and Sloan stuck together. I had to love my little sister. I couldn't imagine not loving my little sister. I just wasn't clear on how exactly I was supposed to like her.

"I'm not that bad," she rolled her eyes.

"Of course," I smirked. "I love spending time with you. It's up there on my list of favourite things to do."

"Oh how I missed your sarcasm," she rolled her eyes.

"You know you did," I laughed softly as I jumped onto the counter. I hadn't even sat on the counter since my teenage years. "So what is new with you? Things are good?"

"They're the same as usual, Der. Not all of us pick up and start a new life on the other side of the country at this age."

"I had to, Jen."

"Yes, I know. Mark slept with your wife. And you had to leave because of the betrayal and yet you're still friends with the ass."

"That's not why I left."

"Of course it is," Jen rolled her eyes at me. "Your brother slept with your wife and you picked up your entire life and moved to Seattle of all place. Not even considering the other people you left behind."

"Mark sleeping with Addison made me leave, it pushed me over the edge but it's not why I left."

Had I just said that out loud?

The tiny thought in my head had plagued me since I had jumped on that plane over a year ago. It had been toying in my mind when I had bought the land and the trailer and took up fishing every morning before I went into work. The thought had been screaming through the mind when I flirted with Meredith, when I slept with Meredith. It had even been in the back of my mind when I scrubbed in on a case that was even remotely interesting. And now that Meredith and I were happy and in a strong healthy relationship the thought seemed to be constantly there. I was happy. I was so damn happy. I hadn't been happy when I had been here in New York. I had been no where close to happy.

I had left New York because I was miserable, not because Mark slept with my wife.

I just had never actually thought to say that out loud, not even to Meredith when we were having conversations about my past.

And I had just said it my annoying little sister who I didn't even like.

"Then why the hell did you leave?"

"Because when Mark slept with my wife I wasn't sure exactly what I felt but it seemed a lot more like relief than it did anger," I sighed. "I was relieved that finally someone had given me an out from my perfect life."

"An out?" Jen frowned.

"I was miserable," I shrugged. "I didn't know I was, I thought I was happy. I thought that was what my life was supposed to be like. But now...now that I'm where I am I can look back and say I was miserable."

"Okay," Jen nodded slowly. "But…if you didn't know you were miserable how the hell did you leave because you were miserable? That doesn't even make sense."

"Because if I had been happy…Mark and Addison would have been devastating, but they wouldn't have made me move to the other side of the country."

"And now you're happy on the other side of the country?"

"I am," I nodded quickly.

"You really love her, don't you?"

"I do," I smiled, because if I was sure of anything it was that answer. Not even evil bitchy Jen could make me doubt that one. "She's…I didn't actually know it was possible to love someone as much as I love her."

"Does she know you're this cheesy?"

"She does," I laughed softly. "And she gets the same kind of look on her face you have right now. You'd like her, Jen."

"I liked Addison."

"So did I," I shrugged. "I loved her, and I think part of me always will. But Meredith…she's the love of my life."

"I'm pretty sure you're the only man in the world that believes in that crap."

"Maybe," I shrugged. "Jen, I'm not asking you to like her. You barely even like me. But she's going to be part of our family so I'd love it if you'd just accept her. Don't hold what happened with Addison against her, it wasn't her fault. She's just…give her a fair shot."

"She's going to be part of the family?"

"There's a ring in Seattle," I smiled.

"Of course there is," Jen rolled her eyes. "I did miss you, Derek. Going a year without even hearing from you did kind of suck."

"I know," I sighed. "I didn't mean to not call for so long. I was just…building my life up again or something."

"Yeah, yeah," she rolled her eyes. "I know."

"You could always come and visit us in Seattle."

"And stay where, big brother? From what I hear you live in a trailer park," she laughed.

"I live in a trailer on a gorgeous piece of land," I sighed. "And Meredith has a house."

"Well thank god one of you is sane."

**So that was kind of random filler, just a little insight into why Derek left. Because I firmly believe that anyone who picks up and moves like Derek did had most than one reason for wanting to be somewhere. Someone with a happy life doesn't do that. They'd stick close to family, throw themselves into work or something not just pick up and move to the other side of the country. And I took the opportunity to show that Derek and Jen do have a bond, even if they spend a lot of time driving each other nuts.**

**I'll update again later...tonight or tomorrow.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	64. Chapter 64

**Disclaimer: I got a good paycheck recently so I bought quite a few things...sadly the show was not one of them.**

**Okay, so this update is a little later up than I said it would be, but still pretty good considering my track record with getting updates up, a couple of days is much better than a couple of months. And this is...well this update is what it is so you will read it and find out what it is.**

**Enjoy!  
**

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There had been a time when I had loved New York City.

I clearly remembered that time existing. It hadn't even been that long ago that I had enjoyed the crowds and the hustle and bustle and the buildings that were far too big. It had been my home and I had never even had a desire to live anywhere else. Even the usual city stench had been welcoming. It was where I thought I belonged.

And now I was here again.

And after a week of being here, I was aching to go home, to get out of the city and just disappear into my trailer with Meredith.

I missed my trees.

"It was so wonderful to meet you, Meredith," Mom murmured as she hugged my girlfriend tightly.

My mom was hugging my girlfriend. My girlfriend who probably should be flipping out, because my girlfriend didn't do families and she didn't do the commitment thing we had found ourselves falling into. My girlfriend should at least be rambling or something, she had rambled a lot when we had first gotten here. My girlfriend should definitely not be smiling and hugging my mom back just as tightly.

But she was.

Which probably made missing my trees worth it or something.

"You too, Mrs. Shepherd," Meredith nodded.

"I told you to call me Mom," Mom laughed softly. "And I expect you here for Christmas. I know it's hard to get the time off work, but I want you here."

"I'll see what I can do…Mom," Meredith said awkwardly.

"Good," Mom nodded. "That chief of yours owes you some time off after the year you've had. Derek, make sure you tell Richard that."

"I will, Mom," I laughed softly.

"I think this week might have been it," Meredith giggled slightly as she pulled out of my mom's arms.

"Nonsense," Mom shook her head. "This week was about being here for Derek, which although appreciated, isn't quite enough. You take a week off at Christmas and both of you come here. I think you both need it."

"We probably do," I sighed as I pulled my mom into my arms. "I'm…thank god it was nothing, Mom."

"I know, dear," Mom whispered, hugging me tightly. "Thank you for bringing her here. I know it couldn't have been easy, but thank you."

"She brought herself."

"Good luck," Mom breathed. "I don't think you need it but all the same. And call me the second she says yes."

"I will," I nodded, as I pulled away, blinking back tears at the casual way my mom had whispered about the ring that was suddenly feeling a lot more real, the question that I knew was approaching. Telling my mom, my mom wishing me luck, and suddenly everything felt more real.

The ring was with the trees.

Maybe I didn't miss the trees so much.

"Oh Meredith…before I forget…" Mom sighed, her eyes doing a softening thing that Meredith swore I picked up from her.

"Yes?" Meredith asked.

"I know," Mom sighed. "I don't know any details but I know you've been through a lot. And from what Derek has said…you're used to doing this alone, going through life alone. I just…you're a Shepherd now, Meredith. You have a family and if you ever need to talk, about anything, I'm always a phone call away."

"I…I'm not…not a Shepherd," Meredith shook her head, her one hand finding mine, her other going to wipe at her eyes.

"Maybe not officially yet, but you might as well be," Mom smiled. "My son obviously plans on keeping you around."

"He does," Meredith whispered, a statement, not a question.

"So I will see you both at Christmas," Mom nodded, wiping at her own eyes. "And Derek Michael, I expect a phone call from one of you the second you land."

"Of course, Mom," I nod. "Love you."

"Love you too," Mom smiled. "Both of you."

"I…yeah…yeah…" Meredith breathed, squeezing my hand.

She was silent as we headed out to the car that Mark had already started for us, having already said his own goodbye to Mom. She was completely silent and tears were streaming down her face. Which was probably expected.

I wasn't sure anyone besides me had ever even said that to her.

Which made me definitely not miss the trees.

Because Seattle hadn't been too kind to my Meredith.

"Are you okay?" I whispered to her as we reached the car.

"No. Yes. I'm…she…I don't know."

I slipped into the back seat with her, ignoring Mark's glance at us. People didn't usually leave my mom's house in tears.

"She…she loves me…." Meredith breathed. "She said that, right? I didn't…that wasn't, because sometimes I think I hear things wrong, I hear what I want or something but she said…she said both of you, right? She said she loves both of us."

"She did," I nodded slowly.

"I…no one, you're the only person that's ever said that to me," Meredith whispered. "I'm not…people don't love me."

"Mer…" I murmured, hugging her tightly to me. "Lots of people love you."

"I know…I'm starting to know but when I was…I was never a Grey. I'm not…it was my last name but I didn't, I've never belonged anywhere. I didn't… Grey was just my last name and I shared it with people but I didn't…she said, I'm a Shepherd."

"Of course you're a Shepherd," I whispered, kissing the top of her head gently.

"I have a family," Meredith whispered.

"Feels good, doesn't it?" Mark asked.

"It does," Meredith whispered, curling further into my arms. "Derek, I…I came because you were…and I needed to be there. I needed to…but I thought. I thought this was going to go badly, like really badly. I did. But that was, that wasn't…I have a family. That's okay, right? I can…I get to keep this family, right? And I know that sounds pathetic but…I'm pathetic, I'm a big pathetic mess and I'm begging to keep a family I've known a week."

"Mer…"

"You can dump me now, I'd get it. I'm crazy and insane and really pathetic and you can definitely dump me now, I won't hold it against you."

"Mer, you can keep them."

"Oh."

She had stopped crying, she was probably smiling but I couldn't tell as she stayed snuggled up against my chest, holding tightly onto me as Mark navigated the busy New York streets.

Meredith was a Shepherd.

I just had to make it official when I got home.

**So yeah, they're leaving New York. And I really felt it was important that Mrs. Shepherd says she loves Meredith because I do think Thatcher used to say it but Mer was too young to remember that, and I don't think it's words Ellis used. I think Ellis did love Mer, I just don't think she was the type to say it all that often, if ever, especially as Meredith got older. So that was huge. As was the family thing.**

**I'll update again later today probably.**

**Read. Love. Review.**


	65. Chapter 65

**Disclaimer: If I owned Grey's Anatomy last weeks episode, as good as it was, would have had more of the Mer/Der sex and less of the Callica sex. Not that I have anything against lesbian sex, just have something against Callica.**

**Sorry for the slight delay in getting this up. It's been crazy busy at my job recently and this is my first time in a while that I've had two days off back to back. So it's taken a bit but here's an update. And while it's just basically filler, I do believe you're going to enjoy it. It's the fun kind of filler, hehehe.**

**So...enjoy!!!**

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"Are we there yet?"

"What are you…five?"

"Sorry. I don't like being in small cramped places."

"You live in a trailer."

"That's different."

"How?"

Silence for a second.

"I can go outside and be in the very open trees at the trailer," I shrugged.

"You can go outside now," she giggled.

"And die."

"Small detail."

"I'm glad you think your boyfriend dying is a small detail," I laughed softly, as I wound my fingers through hers.

"I'd get over it," she giggled.

"I'm hurt."

"I know," she rolled her eyes. "Mark looks like he's about to start drooling or something."

"I don't know how he sleeps on these things," I shook my head, tearing my gaze away from Meredith long enough to look at my best friend who was fast asleep in the seat beside me.

"You hate flying," Meredith sighed. "I didn't know that. You didn't say anything on the way here."

"I was too distracted worrying about my mom."

"Oh," she nodded and then grinned widely, leaning over and kissing my neck gently. "I could find other ways to distract you."

My brain was full of hateful plane thoughts but I wasn't exactly too distracted to figure out what Meredith wanted to distract it with.

"No."

"What?"

She was frowning now. Actually no, she was pouting. In this adorable way she had discovered recently that I wasn't sure how I was supposed to say no to. I hadn't managed it quite yet because her eyes got all soft and sad and she stuck her lip out in the most alluring way. It actually made me fall even more in love with her every time she did it.

"No."

"Derek…"

"Don't use that voice."

"What voice?"

"The voice you use to get your way."

"But Derek…" she murmured, her voice changing, any sense of innocence disappearing as it grew deeper and huskier. "It could be fun."

"We're on a plane."

"I know," she giggled.

"And it has a very small washroom."

"I know," she giggled again.

"What is with you?" I asked. This was not my girlfriend. My girlfriend was getting more into the giggling thing again but not like this, not about having sex in a very tiny washroom on a very crowded airplane. This was just odd behaviour.

"I'm happy."

"You've been happy for the last few months."

"I know but this is…I feel like…I'm insane, that's all. Entirely completely and insane and you probably should just…crazy, you don't even have to…"

"Mer, what is it?"

"I just…it feels…different or something. It feels like something is different now, like we're more real or something," she sighed. "Which is silly and it's…but I have a family. I'm a Shepherd. I've never been something before, I've never belonged somewhere but with you and your crazy family I do and it's big. It's actually kind of huge so I'm happy. And I'm going to shut up now because you're looking at me like I'm crazy and I probably am and it's just...I'm happy."

"Mer?"

"Go the washroom."

"What?" she frowned.

"I'll meet you there in five minutes."

"Oh," she giggled before jumping out of her seat and disappearing down the aisle.

I, Derek Shepherd, forty years old and one of the top neurosurgeons in the country, was about to have a hot dirty quickie in the washroom in an airplane.

I was clearly insane.

Or maybe not insane. Maybe I was just madly in love with my girlfriend, the woman that I was going to marry, who was happier than I had ever seen her purely because my family loved her. She was happy. She was so happy and it was because she was with me, it was because of things I had done and she had done and it was amazing.

And I was happy.

I was just as happy as she was.

The least I could do for her was give her sex in an airplane washroom.

"I love you," she whispered the second I entered the tiny washroom, her soft lips crashing gently against mine.

"I love you too," I murmured, wrapping my arms around her. "This has to be fast."

"Ruin my fun," she frowned against my lips.

"Mer…washroom in an airplane," I laughed, ducking my head down to kiss her again. "It's small and other people are going to need it."

"Fine," she sighed, her hands traveling to my fly and unzipping it quickly. "We can do quick. I can definitely…I can definitely do quick."

She shoved my pants down over my hips as she kissed me hard and my own hands moved to her pants, unzipping them and pulling them down just as far. This might actually be impossible, we were already smushed together and I saw no where that we could go to make this work. But Meredith shimmied slightly and slid her ass onto the tiny toilet, positioning her center directly in front of my erection.

"Are you going to just stand there and look at me or do something?" she asked, raising an eyebrow, her voice low and husky.

"Do something," I murmured before moving forward slightly and slipping inside of her, letting my lips meet hers again as our hips thrust together, immediately settling into a fast and demanding pace. My hands moved to her ass, dragging her off the seat and closer to me, burying myself deeper and harder into her with every thrust as she began to clench around me, her fingers dragging through my hair, the kiss hardening as she released around me.

"Meredith," I breathed as my own orgasm followed close behind.

"That…that was amazing," she giggled breathlessly.

"We just had sex on the airplane."

"Such a brilliant observation," she giggled, leaning into me, her arms wrapping tightly around me. "That was so…crazy."

"At least you realize this."

"It was fun though."

"It was."

"So…" she sighed, chewing her bottom lip as she pulled my pants back up. "I'll go back. And then you come back in a few minutes and we act like this never happened."

"Everyone is going to know it happened," I laughed.

"But we act like it didn't," she giggled, kissing me quickly as she did up her own pants. "Love you, Der."

"Love you too."

And then she gone, leaving me alone in a bathroom that I had just had a very intense quickie in.

She was crazy.

And she made me crazy.

In a good way.

"You really are my brother," Mark greeted me as I sat back down, trying not to laugh at the way Meredith's head was buried in a book like it was the most interesting thing in the world.

"What?"

"Sex on the plan, I didn't know you had it in you."

"We didn't have sex on the plane," I rolled my eyes.

"Really? Where were you then?"

Silence.

"Welcome to the mile high club, man."

_And now I know that there's a link between the two, _

_Being close to craziness and being close to you._

**So yeah, they had sex on the plane on the ride home, because Meredith was too happy to not have sex in the washroom on the plane ride home and that's basically that. **

**Another update will be following immediately.**

**Read. Love. Review.  
**


	66. Chapter 66

I was going to ask her.

Somewhere between Seattle and New York, somewhere over the country and sometime after airplane sex when Meredith had actually been reading her book instead of burying her face in it, I had decided I was asking her to marry me.

Now.

Or well now as in as soon as we got home.

Which was in like five minutes.

I was going to propose to Meredith in five minutes. Or probably ten minutes. I had already gotten the ring from Mark's when I had dropped him off so I had it on me but we should probably at least put our things down. And if her roommates were home we'd have to say a quick hello to them so it really could be closer to fifteen minutes. And I should probably do something to set it up, say something about how much I actually wanted her to be a Shepherd or something, so by the time I said the question it would probably be about twenty minutes from now.

I was going to propose to Meredith, my Meredith, in about twenty minutes.

"Derek…are you okay?" her voice cut into my thoughts, her soft hand wrapping itself around my arm.

"Yeah…of course yeah," I nodded quickly. I was okay. Okay as someone could be when proposing to the love of their life in less than half an hour.

"Oh…okay…" she said slowly. "It's just…you've been sitting here for five minutes staring at nothing when we should probably be going inside or something because we're home and home…you usually go inside at home. Unless you need a Meredith break and want to go to the trailer because if you need a Meredith break that would be okay. I mean… I don't want a Derek break but if you do, it's been a long week…"

"Why are you rambling?" I cut her off.

"I don't…I don't know," she sighed.

"Not that I don't like the rambling," I smiled, turning to look at her. "I love the rambling. I'm just wondering what brought it on."

"I don't know," she sighed again, reaching for my hand and watching them mesh together carefully. "I guess, they're going to have questions and I'm not…I don't know what to say about how I'm a Shepherd because they won't get it but Izzie, she's going to want to know how it went and I don't know what to say."

"So you're freaking out," I grinned, which was probably a bad idea.

It was probably also bad that my girlfriend was freaking out half an hour before I proposed to her. It was definitely half an hour now, freak outs had to lead to a time delay.

"No, I'm…okay, yes, yes I'm freaking out," she nodded. "And you should be happy because I just admitted I was freaking out and I never admit when I'm freaking out so that's…that's good."

"It is," I nodded slowly. "I'm just wondering what brought it on."

"Exhaustion."

"Let's go inside," I smiled, kissing her quickly. "We could both use some rest."

"Definitely," she sighed against my lips, holding me close to her. "I'm better."

"You are?"

"Yeah. You help. With the freak out, you help. You're like…a drug. A big Derek shaped drug."

"You really are exhausted," I laughed.

"Shut up."

She moved out of the car, her whole body slumping in the way it tended to do after a forty-eight hour shift. She was definitely tired. And now was probably a really bad time. Proposing when one's girlfriend was exhausted and freaking out about apparently nothing probably wasn't the best timing.

Even if I was a big Derek shaped drug.

"Maybe we should have just gone to the trailer," she sighed as we reached the door and a crash came from inside. "We don't have roommates at the trailer."

"The bed here is more comfortable."

"Excellent point," she smiled, opening the door so I could drag our luggage inside as she followed closely behind me. "We're home!"

"Thank god," Izzie's voice came from somewhere in the kitchen. "I swear it wasn't me, I had nothing to do with it."

"With what?" Meredith asked, looking at me quickly, her eyes wide with fear.

"It wasn't my fault, it just moved or something," Alex groaned in return. "I wasn't even near it."

"Don't look at me!" George shouted.

"You are all so dead," Cristina laughed.

"Derek…" Meredith said quietly as she put down her bags. "What do you think they're talking about?"

"Do we want to know?" I asked.

"No, not really," Meredith sighed, just as Izzie came storming out of the kitchen, covered in flour.

"What happened?" Meredith asked, grabbing my hand.

"Well…how attached to the flour thing are you?"

"Flour thing?" Meredith frowned.

"Meredith, I swear I didn't knock it over," Izzie shook her head quickly, a light dusting of flour flying everywhere. "I was just stirring the bowl and it was beside me and it fell and now there's flour everywhere but really, it just kind of happened. Please don't be mad."

"There's flour everywhere?" Meredith asked quietly, squeezing my hand a little tighter.

"Yeah…"

"She wouldn't have even been making them if it wasn't for Alex," George cut in as he came into the room. "He completely messed up the last batch…"

"I wouldn't have if you had remembered to set the timer," Alex yelled from the kitchen.

"Oh…you're fighting," Meredith frowned.

"No, we're…we've basically been fighting since you left," Izzie sighed.

Meredith's frown deepened and I squeezed her hand tighter. Definitely not proposing today.

And suddenly she smiled.

"You're fighting," she nodded slowly. "And that's…I just got back from New York, where Derek has a very big family, who I love but there's, lots and lots of people. And I'm tired, actually I'm exhausted and you're fighting."

"Mer…"

"And Derek is…he's my boyfriend and we're probably going to get married eventually and that means, he's the man of the house. And he can take care of this. Yes, Derek can take care of this fight because I need sleep. I need lots and lots of sleep. And Derek…man of the house so I'm just…upstairs, I'm going upstairs."

"But…" I sputtered.

"You can…you do it," Meredith nodded, before kissing me quickly and disappearing up the stairs.

Now I didn't even want to propose to her.

Okay.

That was a big fat stinking lie.

I'd ask her tomorrow.

_All the things you will do  
You know I'm standing next to you  
And darling I will see you through  
The rest of our lives_

**So yeah, Derek is going to ask. But something got in the way, because really, you can't propose right after your friend have a fight and she's tired and all of that. So now it's been pushed back, hehehehe. And we shall see where that goes.**

**I'll try to get an update up tomorrow as I only work early.  
**

**Read. Love. Review.  
**


	67. Chapter 67

**Disclaimer: On Grey's on Thursday Derek did some heavy lifting of boxes. It was sexy. If I owned the show, he probably would have done it shirtless.**

**And for once, I don't have to apologize a billion times for how long this took. Because it took a bit longer than expected but nothing too crazy so yeah, here's the next update, while the last one is still in your heads. Told you I'd try harder, hehehehe. And also...thank you for all the comments, I know this fic keeps disappearing so thank you for sticking with me.**

**Enjoy!**

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It had been three days.

It had been three days since we had gotten back to Seattle and I had stolen the ring back from Mark and started carrying it in my pocket. It had been three days since I had decided that it was finally time to ask her the big question about spending the rest of our lives together.

I started at the tiny engagement ring I held in my hands. She was too busy concentrating on the surgery to notice that I was up here, let alone holding onto anything that would change our futures forever.

It had been three days of trying to ask her.

I hadn't chickened out. There wasn't anything to chicken out of, asking Meredith to promise me forever wasn't scary, it actually felt kind of perfect. Chickening out definitely wasn't the problem. And I wasn't even afraid she was going to say no. She was going to say yes, despite everything we had been through if I was confident of anything it was the fact she was going to say yes to wanting to spend forever with me. At this point, actually asking the question was just a technicality.

No, the asking part was not the problem.

Her friends were the problem.

Our jobs were the problem.

Meredith's weird desire to watch that stupid Borat movie was the problem.

Because I wasn't about to pop the big life changing question before, after or during Borat.

"Since when has the head of neurosurgery sat in to watch a knee replacement?" my best friend's ever so annoying voice came from behind me in the near empty gallery.

"Meredith," I sighed, not looking up from the ring.

"Of course," Mark groaned as he fell onto the seat beside me, his eyes going to the ring box in my hands. "I noticed the stone wasn't on her finger yet. Don't tell me you've chickened out."

"Definitely not," I frowned.

"Seriously, Shep? That's just sad."

"I haven't chickened out, Mark," I insisted.

"Than why is that thing still in a box and not on Grey's finger…or chain or whatever the hell she'll do with it when she's cutting."

"Her friends suck."

"Stevens sucks," Mark smiled lewdly. "Don't know about the rest of them."

"God, you're an idiot."

"What the hell do they have to do with you not having the balls to ask Meredith?"

"I was going to ask her right after we got back from New York," I sighed. "And when we got in they were all in some weird fight about the flour dish and Mer was tired so I had to take care of it."

"Whipped," Mark smirked.

"I was going to ask her the day after that but just as I was getting ready to do we got paged with that pile up. And yesterday we had the night alone at her place, which I had to assume was perfect timing…"

"But?" Mark asked, laughing softly.

"She wanted to watch Borat. How could I ask her to marry me after watching Borat?" I groaned.

"That…would have been classic," Mark nodded.

"Shut up."

"So you're really doing this?"

I sighed without answering, turning my attention away from the ring and to the OR in front of me where my girlfriend, the woman that I was about to propose to, was helping Dr. Torres with a surgery. I loved watching her cut. "Definitely really doing this."

"Okay, in that case…you're making me do the brother thing," Mark sighed.

"The brother thing?"

"Yeah," he shrugged. "Make sure you're ready for this, make sure you know what the fuck you're getting yourself into, some threats and stuff."

"Threats?"

"Derek…you're sure this is what you want?"

"Yes," I nodded quickly, looking back down at the OR, where Meredith had finally taken the time to look up and was smiling brightly at me. That was definitely an easy answer. "I can't actually imagine not having this. She's…I want this, I want forever with her, I want everything with her. She's the…"

"Woah," Mark interrupted me. "Simple yes or no answer, I don't need to hear all the gushy stuff."

"Sorry," I laughed. "Yes."

"And you're ready for this?"

"Yes."

"No, Shep," Mark shook his head. "You can't answer that question that quickly and still be a man. Hesitate or something. We're talking about forever here."

"I know," I nodded, smiling softly.

"You haven't been divorced that long."

"I know."

"And you're just going to jump into forever again?"

"There's no jumping," I shrugged. "I've known it's been forever for a while now. This is just making it official or something."

"Again…simple yes or no answer."

"I said yes and you questioned it."

"Fine…whatever. Congrats."

"I think you have to wait till she says yes to be able to say that," I laughed, looking back down at the ring box in my hands.

"She's not going to say no, Shep."

"I know."

"And if she hurts you…" Mark sighed. "I get to take her down."

"You're going to hit a girl?"

"No, Shep, I'm not going to hit Meredith. She'd probably kill me if I even thought about trying. I'll take her down in other ways. Sneakier ninja like ways."

"She's not going to hurt me."

"I know."

"You'll be best man, right?"

"I'm not answering that question till you ask her."

"I'm asking her soon," I laughed, just as the surgery finished.

She looked up. Her eyes, smiling and shining slightly with the post surgery high, caught mine and a smile spread across her face as she ripped off her mask. She looked beautiful. I hoped that one day I'd figure out how she made a surgery robe and a scrub cap look beautiful but she always did. Entirely captivatingly beautiful.

"You two are sickening."

"What?"

"You're smiling at each other like you haven't seen each other in decades."

"We're happy."

I mouthed for her to meet me in my office before she exaggerated blowing a kiss and disappeared into the scrub room to clean up.

"Shep?"

"Yeah."

"I'm not going to sleep with this one."

"You do and you're dead."

**So there you go, some Derek and Mark. Because Derek and Meredith live a pretty crazy life and nothing has ever gone exactly as planned for them, so a proposal can't exactly come easily and well, who doesn't love some Derek and Mark? I think the world would be a better place if everyone had a little more Derek and Mark, simple as that.**

**Next update following in a few minutes.**

**Read. Love. Review.  
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	68. Chapter 68

I officially sucked.

Two weeks. It had been two weeks since we had gotten back from New York, two weeks since I stole the ring back from Mark's place and I still hadn't actually managed to ask the question.

I was pretty sure God hated me. I must have taken care of myself one too many times when I was younger or something and now God was seeking vengeance. Because I wasn't chickening out. I wasn't. There had been times my hand had even been around the ring box in my pocket, ready to pull it out and ask and then something would happen. Someone would yell or the phone would ring or one of us would get paged and the moment would be gone.

God definitely had some evil master plan that involved me not being able to propose to the love of my life.

Of course tonight I was going to defeat the plan.

Trailer.

I was probably an idiot for not thinking of it before.

There was no annoying friends. And unless there was a major disaster we could ignore any and all pages. My movie collection was at Meredith's so she couldn't suggest some stupid movie that destroyed the mood. I could turn off the phone. It would be just us.

And so many different places to ask her.

Definitely an idiot for not thinking of it before.

"Hey," Meredith greeted me, as the trailer door swung open on her arrival.

"Hey," I grinned.

"So why exactly did you make me drive to the middle of nowhere?"

"It's not the middle of nowhere, it's my house," I frowned.

"Which is in the middle of no where," she giggled as she kicked her shoes off.

"Maybe I wanted my girlfriend alone for the night."

"Thank god," she sighed, flopping onto my bed. "Because I definitely want to be alone with you tonight. Get naked now."

"W…what?"

"Work was hell," she sighed. "Work was terrible actually and the only thought that kept me going over the last hour was about you naked in bed with me. Actually under me, you definitely have to be under me."

But I was going to propose.

"Mer…"

I was going to propose.

"Seriously," Meredith breathed, pulling her shirt over her head. "Naked and under me now."

Priorities.

I could always propose to her after sex.

Which seemed slightly unromantic but slightly more like us. An after sex proposal was definitely more like us.

"Okay, sex," I nodded quickly, pulling at my own shirt.

"Thank you," she grinned, slipping her pants down over her hips and settling back onto the bed. "Now get down here, sexy man."

"Sexy man?" I smirked.

"I'm horny, my brain isn't working right," she giggled breathlessly as I slipped onto the bed, to lay on top of her.

I kissed her gently and thought of the ring in the drawer beside us. I could ask her later, after we were done this because she was deepening the kiss and she was nearly naked underneath me, her hips already rocking up into mine. She deepened the kiss, her fingers tangling in my hair as her tongue demanded entry into my mouth, which I gladly gave. She shoved me gently, rolling on top of me.

"I said I wanted to be on top," she giggled, her hands moving to remove her bra.

Yes, proposing could definitely wait till later.

No one could blame me for this one.

"Okay…top, you on top," I nodded.

She lowered herself again, and instead of my mouth her lips found my jaw line, running soft kissing along it as nipples brushed against mine. She moaned softly, and moved her mouth lower, nipping at the skin along my neck, her hands tangling away from my hair to run along my body, her tiny fingers trailing paths along my skin. She shifted again, kissing my chest, twirling her tongue around my nipple as she let her hands fall lower, working on the button of my jeans.

"Fuck," I gasped, as she took my nipple fully into her mouth, sucking on it hard as she yanked my pants over my hips.

"God, I need this," she moaned against my chest before capturing my other nipple, flicking her tongue gently against it.

"Meredith…" I murmured, tangling my fingers in her hair as she moved lower, pressing soft kissing and bites along my flat stomach. She ran her tongue along my belly button before trailing it along the path of hair that led downward, letting her tongue run along my erection a couple of times before taking it in her mouth, sucking on it gently, her fingers playing along my balls.

"Hmmm…" she breathed, swirling her tongue around my tip before taking me more into her mouth, sucking harder than she had before. I tangled my fingers in her hair as her head bobbed up and down and my hips began to rock into her.

"Mer…" I groaned, feeling my body start to tighten toward release.

"None of that," she giggled breathless, pulling her mouth away from me and running her hands along my stomach and chest as I squirmed against the bed, my body begging for release. Her lips crashed against mine, tasting slightly of me but mainly of her and chocolate which I could only figure she ate on her way here. "What do you want?"

"You."

"Derek, tell me what you want?" she repeated, her voice low, sexy and demanding.

"I…I….want you to fuck me," I whispered, surprised at the low desperation in my voice as my hips rocking into her, my erection rubbing against her thigh.

"I like a man who knows when to surrender control," she whispered before sliding onto me.

She moved slowly, rocking her hips against mine, her hands resting on my chest as her own chest bounced with her movements. My hands traveled to her ass, guiding her over me as her movements picked up pace and she began to tighten around me, her first orgasm quickly rushing over her. As her tremors eased she began to ride me harder, pushing faster and rougher onto me, my hands squeezing her ass hard. She threw her head back as another orgasm washed over her and my brain emptied as my body began to rock into hers, releasing itself into her as a final orgasm rocked through her.

"Wow," she murmured, rolling off of me.

"Wow," I echoed.

"That…that was," she whispered, curling up against my chest, our skin sticking together with sweat. "Amazing."

"Amazing," I echoed.

My brain wasn't working well enough to do anything but echo.

"Love you, Der," she murmured.

"Love you too, Mer."

"Night."

"Night," I whispered, my eyes starting to fall shut. There was something I was supposed to be doing, something really important. Life changing kind of important. Huge and big, definitely something I was supposed to be doing but my brain was pretty full of post sex mush.

Oh yeah, propose.

I could do that tomorrow.

_Take all your big plans_

_And break them_

_This is bound to be a while_

**And now sex got in the way. Because this afterall is Meredith and Derek.**

**I'll try to get an update up tomorrow!**

**Read. Love. Review.  
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	69. Chapter 69

**Disclaimer: There has been a serious lacking of Meredith and Derek on the parts of the people that own the show as of late. Leaving people that decidedly don't own the show, such as myself, to pick up the slack.**

**Anyway, here it is, exactly as planned. I'm getting good at this updating regularily thing again, hehehehe. This is the final chapter, besides an epilogue so I hope you enjoy it and well, I'll have more to say at the end. For now let's just say...men plan and God laughs.**

**Enjoy!**

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"Wake up."

Lavender. Lavender and soft limbs tangled in my own. And something even softer tickling my face.

"Wake up."

Gentle lips brushed against my own as my face was covered with the lavender smelling soft thing and a soft giggle came from somewhere above. A very cute adorable soft giggle.

"Uhhh…" I groaned as I stretched out.

"You're awake!" she exclaimed her voice almost giddy.

"What time is it?" I mumbled.

"Seven."

"It's our day off," I pointed out, stretching again to wrap my arms around her waist and bring her closer to me.

"I couldn't sleep."

"It's our day off," I repeated, finally opening my eyes to find a soft stream of sun coming in the windows of the trailer and my girlfriend's face directly above my own. She was smiling widely. And her eyes were sparkling in a way they only did when she was really happy, a completely beautiful way but it was rare. It was even more rare at seven o'clock in the morning. No one should look that happy at seven in the morning.

"Morning," her grin widened.

"What did you take last night?'

"What?"

"You're awake and smiley and nearly look like a morning person," I sighed, pushing some hair behind her ear.

"I couldn't sleep."

"So you've said."

"I woke up at five and I couldn't sleep so I've been thinking about things and now you're awake so I can talk about things."

"You want to talk about things at seven in the morning?"

"Yes," she nodded, her lips brushing against my nose as she kissed it lightly, her fingers winding through my curls.

"Well…what do you want to talk about?"

"Our house."

"Our house?"

"Our house," she nodded. "I was thinking…I love this land and you definitely love this land and we can't just. But we can't live in a trailer forever and I don't want to live in my mom's house so house, we need a house."

"You want a house?" I breathed.

"Of course," she giggled, pressing a soft kiss along my jaw line. "We need something bigger than the trailer for the kids."

"Kids?" I murmured.

She was walking right into a proposal.

This was going to be easy.

Finally.

"Definitely kids," she smiled widely at me.

"Where…where did all this come from?"

"I'm happy, Der," she shrugged, nestling her head into my neck. "I don't think I've ever…I'm really happy and we're in love and I was thinking, and I want this. I want you and a house and kids and all of that stuff and I want it forever. Which doesn't seem very…me-ish and maybe a little cheesy but I want it. With you. And…house and kids. You want house and kids, right? Because we haven't and…"

"I want it all," I smiled.

She was walking right into it.

"Good," she smiled, before her lips captured mine, gentle and exploring my mouth as she gently tugged at my curls and I wrapped my arms tightly around her. Lavender surrounded me and she tasted like Meredith. Somehow in the morning she always managed to taste more like her and just her than at any other time of the day.

"Let's get married," she whispered.

Way to ruin it, Mer.

"What?"

"Let's get married," she repeated.

Laughter bubbled up in my chest. I tried to stop it, I really did. "Oh Mer," I laughed.

"Okay, laughter," she frowned as she pulled away from me. "Definitely not the response I was looking for."

"We're going to do this right, Mer," I sighed as I rolled out of bed.

"Right…what?"

I ignored her question as I pulled on pajama pants and a tshirt, mentally reminding myself to never let my sisters find out I proposed to Meredith wearing my pajamas. But it had to be better than naked.

"We're doing this the right way," I laughed softly as I pulled the tiny box out of the drawer.

And my heart stopped in my chest.

Well, not literally. Maybe a little literally, a tiny bit literally at least. It probably stopped for a few beats or something. Because I was about to do it. I had been saying I was going to do it for weeks on end and now it was time and I was actually going to do it. I was going to propose to my Meredith and there was no way my heart could beat normally when I was going to do that. This thing that I had been planning for what one could probably consider too long was going to happen and my life would never be the same. Ever.

I didn't care how much I loved her; that kind of felt huge.

Really really huge.

"Right way," she breathed, watching me carefully.

"Meredith…" I started, dropping to one knee beside the bed, smiling as her eyes grew wide and she sat up straighter, clutching the sheet to her naked chest.

I kind of loved that she was naked for this.

"I want to marry you," I whispered. "I want to have kids with you. I want to build us a house. I want to settle down and grow old with you. I want to die when I'm one hundred and ten years old in your arms. I want a lifetime. Meredith…will you marry me?"

"Yes."

There wasn't a moment of hesitation. There wasn't a moment to think about things or for Meredith to freak out which I had completely expected. There wasn't a long rambling answer which I had also completely expected. There was just one simple word and I was pretty sure I had never heard her be more sure of something in her life.

And there were tears as I slipped the ring on her finger.

I really wish I could say they were only her tears.

"Married," she breathed, glancing at the sparkling diamond.

"Married," I echoed, wiping a tear off her cheek. "We're getting married."

"Wow."

"Wow."

"Married."

"You already said that."

"Well…in that case…I think one of us is wearing far too many clothes," she giggled.

And then I was in the bed again, her lips softly against mine, her hands holding onto my jaw, the metal of the ring cold against my skin. As I worked at pulling my own shirt over my head.

Engagement sex sounded like a perfect idea.

_Dancing in the parking lot  
While the band plays inside  
Sweep me off my feet  
Baby, marry me_

**So Derek has been waiting WEEKS to propose...weeks and weeks and weeks. And then Meredith went and beat him to it. Because nothing ever goes as planned and Meredith really wanted to take that step, I think in a lot of ways it has to be Meredith to take that step. So yeah, she went and ruined it the morning after amazing sex and then he fixed it and I think something like this is more like them than anything too big and fancy. So there we have it. The story has come full circle and now they're getting married. **

**Epilogue will be up right after this.**

**Read. Love. Review.  
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	70. Epilogue

"Are you sure the older nieces and nephews are good with watching the other ones?" Meredith asked for what must have been the millionth time.

"Yes, Mer," I laughed softly. "They do it all the time."

"It's just…we're putting them pretty far away from their parents and I don't want any fights or messes or broken plates because if plates break the caterers will charge us and they're already charging us far too much considering there's not that many people there."

"It's outside. I don't think plates break if they fall on grass," I shrugged.

"They break if you throw them at people."

"My nieces and nephews don't throw plates at people," I frowned.

"They might," Meredith sighed, looking down at the table plan that sat on the floor in front of her. "Because I'm trying to plan the perfect day. Me. I'm trying to plan the perfect wedding day and things in my life aren't perfect. Nothing is ever going to be perfect in my life so trying to plan the perfect day is probably stupid, really stupid. So yes, the nieces and nephews are probably going to throw the plates."

"They won't."

"They could. Because we…I don't do perfect."

"This house is perfect," I pointed out.

Meredith sighed and her gaze shifted from the table plan to the large picture window at the other end of the room we stood in, the window that overlooked the amazing view of Seattle. She smiled slightly before shifting to look at me and the smile faded into a frown. "This house is perfect except for that paint color."

"What?" I frowned, looking at the wall I was busy painting blue.

The blue that Meredith had finally picked after standing in Home Depot for hours trying to decide what the perfect shade of blue to paint our bedroom in the house that would have been done weeks before if Meredith hadn't been so indecisive.

"It's too bright," she sighed, chewing slightly on her bottom lip.

"Mer, you said the last one was to dull."

"And this one is too bright."

"I think it looks good, Mer."

"Good," Meredith said slowly.

"Good is good."

"Good is…not it's all wrong," Meredith shook her head quickly, as she chewed more on her bottom lip, staring carefully at the wall. "It's all totally and completely wrong and it's not perfect."

"I think…"

"It's not perfect," she insisted. "It's supposed to be perfect. I need this to be perfect. Because this it's our house and it's our bedroom. This is our bedroom, Derek. Ours. So it should be perfect. Everything should be perfect. I don't, I never did perfect but I never did this so it should probably be perfect. And don't look at me like that, don't look at me with that crazy look or whatever because I know I'm freaking out but…"

"Meredith, breathe," I murmured, putting down my paint brush and slowly walking toward her.

"I'm breathing," she nodded. "I'm breathing and wedding, I'm planning a wedding. A wedding that was supposed to be small but apparently you have a lot of relatives and everyone in the hospital wants to come and see our perfect wedding so it's not small anymore. It's big. And perfect, it has to be perfect. Because it's our wedding. Our wedding, Derek. And our house. Our house and our wedding and our ugly blue walls. This is…I'm not freaking out just it's wrong and it's ours. Ours."

"Meredith…"

"What?"

I was kneeling in front of her now so I pushed the seating arrangements out of the way. They were a waste of time anyway. Shepherds didn't usually do what they were told. "Listen to yourself."

"I am listening to myself," she rolled her eyes.

"No, you're not," I shook my head, running my thumb along her jaw line to hold her attention. "Our wedding. Our house. Our bedroom with ugly blue walls."

"You said they weren't ugly," she pouted slightly.

"They're not, I was just repeating what you said," I laughed softly.

"Oh."

"Meredith, it's ours," I smiled. "Our wedding. Which is big and stressful, I know. But at the end of the day, what does it get us?"

"Forever, officially forever. Married and…forever."

"Us forever, Mer."

"I know," she whispered. "Forever, forever…and I want forever, Derek. I want forever so badly and you…and me. Forever is really good, Der, kind of amazing but…"

"Listen," I smiled softly. "Forever, Mer. No matter how crap the day turns out. If it pours rain and my nephews break every plate and we forget the rings and my hair flops, the day is going to be perfect. Because at the end of the day, you're going to be my wife. And we're promising each other forever."

"That…that was kind of cheesy, Der," she giggled softly.

"I know," I rolled my eyes. "And this house…when we get home from the honeymoon, this is our house, Mer. It might not be perfect. But we have the rest of our lives to make it perfect."

"Till you're one hundred and ten," she whispered.

"Which will make you one hundred and two."

"You want us to get old."

"Together, yeah," I murmured. "I want as long as I can get with you."

"Me too," she whispered, leaning forward to kiss me gently, her tongue slipping softly into the mouth as I pulled her closer. "Perfect."

"What?"

"This… this moment is perfect," she smiled and then rolled her eyes, groaning slightly. "And I'm turning into as cheesy as you."

"You are," I laughed softly.

"Don't tell Cristina."

"Our secret."

"Good," she nodded before kissing me again, her body molding against mine as we deepened the kiss, forgetting about the half painted wall or the table plan that we had pushed the side.

Perfect.

_Each happy ending's a brand new beginning  
Let yourself be enchanted, you just might break through  
To ever ever after  
Forever could even start today  
Ever ever after  
Maybe it's just one wish away  
Your ever ever after_

**And that's it. That's the story of how I fixed Season 3. Which Shonda clearly took a different direction but still, that's how I would have done it if I was Shonda. Not that Shonda did it badly (well maybe she did but it worked out in the end) but still, this is what I would have done. I hope you all enjoyed it and I know it was a long long road, but thank you to anyone that stuck with me. I love you all and your comments make my days so much brighter.**

**My next fic will be started within the next week...The Golden Floor so watch for it!**

**Read. Love. Review.  
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